SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

***LONG POST ALERT***

Hey SI fam,

I haven't actively posted since the summer (although I've been lurking lol). Now that it's been several months and I've found myself sort of in the dating world, I'd share a real update.

Not sure if anyone is still around who knew my AWFUL story, but safe to say I'm still healing.

Highlights:

- Divorce finalized March 2020

- Haven't heard from my ex-husband since November 2018 (Jan 2019 if you count an email he sent that I left unanswered)

- Mistress turned GF started her own business as a life coach helping people "achieve the impossible"

- Approaching 2 years of living with parents (actually grateful how this played out with COVID. I'm grateful that I've been able to provide for the household and stand on top of them to ensure they are washing their hands!).

-Hoping to purchase my first home next year

- Gave myself a 2020 goal of going on at least 2 dates. I've now been on about 10 with 3 different guys (completely blew my mind )

Now that I'm "in the dating world", I am disheartened by how "different" and complicated it is. As if going through divorce wasn't enough.... I was with my ex since I was about 19, so this world is extremely new (and disappointing) to me.

Guy #1: First date guy. Met through a mutual friend and hung out maybe 2-3 times pre-COVID. I liked him, but wasn't head over heels (guarded maybe). Anyway we were supposed to meet up for ice cream one day and he basically canceled on me last minute, never rescheduled and ghosted me. He resurfaced like 3 months later via text. In an effort to be better, not bitter I responded (but like an HR manager lol). He got the hint (coupled with the fact that I deleted him from social media) and went away again. Finally unfollowed me after 3 months of not even noticing I wasn't following him SMH.

Guy #2: Met on social media. Not my usual "type", but in an effort to be more open, I gave him a try. He is handsome, very smart and a gentleman. We communicated on social media for a couple of months before we exchanged numbers and went on a socially distanced outdoor date in the summer. I've only seen him one other time for dinner. We've FT'd and spoken on the phone. He is pretty consistent....until he's not. THIS is where my first trigger surfaced. I started to question why he could go 4 days straight without communication and it would bug me that I'd see him active on social media. I think I might be dealing with some abandonment trauma issues and have heightened anxiety. I know he isn't my BF or committed, so that's how I know it's something wrong with me and my expectations. He's still around. We talk causally and overall I feel like he is pursuing me (slowly though). But I'm not as attracted to him as Guy #3

Guy #3: The unexpected guy. Another one that's not my usual "type", but the chemistry right away was insanely palpable! In the beginning things were really magnetic. The way he simply looks at me made me experience feelings I haven't in a very long time (if ever!). With COVID & lock downs it's been hard, but we managed to go out on a couple of dates when we could and then it transitioned to meeting at his place to hang (I know I know, but things were closed). Although our physical attraction is crazy, my willpower is stronger, so we have NOT had sex. I haven't been with anyone since my ex and realized I don't want to (mentally of course haha) outside of a committed relationship. But it was just a matter of time before SOMETHING happened and one night, one thing led to another and he performed oral on me It was AMAZING!! LOL!! Not just because I haven't been touched in so long and I'm sorry to be graphic, but I really felt like he enjoyed ME vs. just doing it to get to sex (which my ex did). This happened 2x now. He definitely wants more, but respects my boundaries and where I'm at on intercourse. Anyway here is the problem...

I feel like lately he has been distant and short via text. I can't tell if our communication styles are just very different, if now he is pulling away or it's just this project he is working on that has him occupied. For example, I told him a week or so ago I'd be in his area the next day. He text me the next day in the afternoon saying he just got off some calls and asked if I was still around. By chance I was actually not in his area yet, so I told him officially what time frame. He never responded. It upset me bc I wanted to see him and I figured if he was free or wanted to see me still he would've responded and said "okay great" or SOMETHING.

Two hours pass and he texts me "are you okay?" I go "yes are you?" He then says he was checking on me because I never called him or followed up when I was done with what I was doing to come over. I communicated to him that I told him what time and I was expecting a confirmation from him if he was free. I wasn't just going to show up at his place! He acknowledged that it was a "communication breach", apologized and said he would do better about "taking the lead" in those situations to confirm.

Fast forward through a couple of FT's and some dry/short texts from him to Sunday. He reached out saying he wanted to see me, but it never came to fruition. It's been bothering me how short he's. been so I came out and said I feel like he is playing games with me. He said "okay". I said "okay??" He then says "what are we going to do? It's been 5-6 months now and I'm trying to see where this is going" At that point I said that would be a convo best held in person, but if you want my thoughts via text I'm happy to do so.

He said "be my guest". I started by saying I usually don't like sending lengthy texts bc people don't like to read and it can get misconstrued but here we go... Before I could send my thoughts, he asked if we wanted to talk at his table. His living room table is where we're previously had some pretty deep, organic conversations. I responded and said that feels appropriate if that's something he wants to do. He never responded to me... So now I don't know if he was being sarcastic about the table, genuine or still expected me to send my thoughts via text

So now I'm anxious AF and agonizing over our conversation and how he has been acting. He said early on that he is dating to marry, but honestly I don't feel like he has been putting forth enough effort to truly get to know me/court me to even be asking a "where do we stand" type of question. A male friend told me dating is not like it used to be. It's like dude you take 4 hours to respond to me sometimes via text, wth do you MEAN?!

I was really hoping we'd get together to discuss things, but I'm trying to hold on to my dignity and not double tex or chase him. I feel like the past couple of weeks, my text bubbles have been a lot wordier, I've initiated a little more and don't want to come off needy. I don't know if his pursuit has died down, he's playing games now or if he is cutting me off because he thinks we should be further along and we're not. I'm confused. I think it's a mix of my insecurities, dating being different and honestly wonder if he thinks HE is the prize and I should do the work lol.

His career keeps him super busy, but I still feel like I deserve more than the bare minimum. Guy #2 has a career that keeps him busy as well, but I feel like he is better at making time. If Guy #2 goes a few hours without texting, he usually acknowledges it when he responds to me.

Sorry to rant. This is all so new to me. I've been trying to focus on me, self-care and projects I'm interested in, but damn I keep wondering if I'll ever here from him again at this point. I hate waking up wondering if I'll have a text from him and checking social media to see if he has deleted me (he hasn't) UGH!!

Sometimes I just want to give up and go back into hermit mode because it feels like too much.But then I realize meeting these men are helping me uncover triggers and areas where I thought I was healed, but I'm not.

Glad to see things have gotten better for you. I remember your story well.

I think you should set some hard rules for yourself. In the dating world you need to be clear about what you will or won’t accept. Your rules for you so to speak.

If a guy starts acting all “off” after a short amount of time then see the 🚩for what it is. Don’t make excuses or overlook things more than once.

I think guy #3 has some issues and nothing to do with you. His disappearance at times is odd. Could be a million reasons. Maybe he’s seeing more than one person. Maybe he’s got addiction issues. Maybe he’s got attention deficit and has a hard time staying in task or focused. Maybe he’s just a jerk.

I don’t know — maybe you don’t need to have so many issues in a new relationship.

Let us know how this turns out.

BB8 Glad to hear things are turning around for you!

I agree with the 1stwife's post AND I think that IC can be tremendously helpful for someone who might have an anxious attachment. Anxious attachment is one way of talking about someone who has "abandonment issues". Typically us anxiously attached people will find our selves in a relational dance with anxious avoidants who behave in the way that Guy #3 is acting. I hope that helps. If you want more explanation you can always PM me.

Good luck with everything including finding your sparkle again!!

I agree with The1stWife's assessment and thoughts.

I had been with my exhusband since I was 21 (left when I was 37) and had little dating experience before then. So I truly understand your feelings right now.

The best word of advice I can give you is to trust your gut. I've officially dated 3 gentleman in the past 7 years and ignored a few red flags with the first 2. I've been seeing my current guy since August and there have been 0 red flags. It's easy to be with him, easy to chat and I feel like he is completely engaged in his communication with me.

You really DO have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find your prince Enjoy the process :)

I listed to a Podcast recommended here (Breaking the Dating Code) and it was a gamechanger for me, and I credit it with me giving my guy a chance (I wasn't physically attracted when we first met but I was attracted to his mind. That has blossomed and now I can't get enough of him lol)

BB,

I don't like the red flags from guy #3. It reminds me a lot of my STBX. My new rule (if I ever date again) is if they make me anxious and confused, it's a No. I'm no expert but I feel like a safe, healthy relationship with a straightforward person would never cause this kind of angst and confusion. Mixes messages suck.

@The1stWife

Thank you! I really appreciate the fact that you remember my story!! You’re right... I told myself that if I just go with the flow of things, my boundaries and rules would become evident. But I’m probably doing myself a disservice by not actually setting real rules for myself.

What I’m struggling with right now it deciphering if the boundaries and rules I do have are valid or am I not being flexible and understanding enough. Some of my friends/family have told me that my thought patterns seem to still be tied to/influenced by being in a long-term relationship vs. “the real world”.

I’ve been trying really hard not to think about Guy #3, especially since it feels like at this point I’m not on his radar anymore for whatever reason. I feel like I’m just hyper-vigilant of everything these days in fear I will either miss out on someone special or pick the wrong person. Still no word from him (which admittedly I’m down about).

@SallyShrink81

Thanks so much! I honestly never saw myself getting to this point. I went from cursing all men and swearing off love to attempting to date. I’ve actually being doing some research trying to figure out why I’m this way and came across a test that confirmed I have an anxious attachment style. It’s weird because when I was with my Ex, he did everything “right” so I never felt anxious with him (until the affair of course). It’s almost like the trauma of what he put me through made me become this way. I’m going to send you a PM

@twicefooled

As silly as this is to say, I feel like lately I’ve been having a hard time discerning what’s my gut vs. my anxiety. I’m trying to figure out what’s TRULY a red flag, or just people being human and I’m MAKING it a red flag unnecessarily because of my limited experience with dating and fear/trauma from my ex. Thank you for recommending the Podcast! I will definitely check it out. I’ve been watching a few videos on YouTube and reading articles trying to sort through this next phase of my life.

@skeetermooch

The more time that passes with no contact, the more discouraged I feel I hate that I’m obsessing over him, especially when he’s been sending mixed messages. I would love to say if someone/something makes me anxious or confused, it’s a no. But then I start to second guess and wonder if it’s “just me” and my wounds from my previous relationship/lack of dating knowledge allowing me to assess the situation wrong.

****

After all that my ex put me through, I’m surprised I even care as much as I do for someone who’s done very little for me at this point. It’s like I went from saying I’d be single forever to pining for breadcrumbs from the guys I’m interested in. I’ll be 33 soon and I just feel so behind. I think I’m going to look into going back to IC now that I’m in a new phase.

SallyShrink makes a good comment, brokenbride. I wonder if you've read the book by Levine and Heller called "Attached. The New Science Of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love". It provides an easy to read description of the 3 attachment types (4 if you include the anxious/avoidant as one). It does provide a questionnaire to evaluate yourself. Since you've tested yourself you may have read it. I highly recommend it. My IC recommended it to me.

I don't know anything about dating. My first date with my XWW was over 44 years ago and she called me. I haven't dated anyone else since. Anyway, I can't give you any dating advice except this.

If I remember correctly, you are a woman of faith. Stay true to and honour your faith.

Best of luck and good fortune as you move forward, brokenbride.

Hello bb8

I also remember your story well and have rooted for you.

I feel like my experiences and yours are very similar. My xwh is still with ow too. They now live together. I’m nearly 5 years out and it still hurts. I also feel the unfairness of it all that I’m still struggling to find someone yet they are still going strong. Like you I also feel left behind. All my friends are still married. I’m the only divorced one. I really understand the turmoil you are going through and I know a lot of people say don’t dwell on it, I think it’s only human nature to do exactly that, dwell on it.

Regarding dating if red flags are waving then walk away. You do not deserve that anxiety or worry. No one deserves to sit wondering what another person is thinking. As crap as it can feel being on your own (although I don’t mind it as much!) it’s a nicer place to be. You can sleep soundly at night. Then when you feel ready again dip that toe back out there. I promise you with time and IC you will be able to handle everything. Well done for how far you have came! You should be so proud of yourself. We are the same age please feel free to PM to help you feel “normal” if you want to chat. I know people in real life won’t understand what you’re going through but I will!

There is a general trend in the 'starting over' world in general that those that 'can't find' a relationship are left behind or lacking. I don't see that as the case here!

All of us former BS's had to be discerning in deciding to end our marriages where we CHOSE being single over staying in a horrible relationship. Those who had cheaters just leave with no choice, all the more-so, know what that is like and aren't willing to sign up again to become entangled with that craziness.

We are CHOOSING to stay single unless we find a person we CHOOSE to build with. The older I get the more I realize people pair up quite easily, and then after the fact constantly work at justifying why the relationship is good and worth it. By default us BS's aren't willing to do that as easily. This is a place of strength, not being left behind or unfit for pairing up.

Anna123...I think you nailed it! As a single lady, who is dabbling in the dating world, it is empowering to me to be able to 'chose' whether I want to see/date someone or not....I am not lacking or left behind because I am not in a 'RELATIONSHIP.' I am learning to set boundaries, recognize red flags, and be selective as I navigate this dating world in 2020. But I do know people who possess the 'I've got to have a man/woman/partner' mentality or they feel like they are a failure. That desperation leads to poor choices and then, as you so eloquently state "constant work at justifying why the relationship is good and worth it."

Brokenbride, please continue to focus on your self-care and healing-you've come so far, and you should be really proud of your accomplishments and goals that you have set and are working towards.

@steadychevy – I haven’t heard of that book, but going to add it to me 2021 “book list”. I really want to continue working on healing. I definitely am a woman of faith, so I’ve been leaning on that to help. Thank you so much!

@Brokenheart29 – Thank you so much for following my story and rooting for me! I definitely understand the unfair part. A few of my friends who are married recently had some marital problems (where divorce was mentioned). I hope I don’t sound like an awful person when I say this and I definitely don’t wish anything bad on anyone, but the simple fact that they are in reconciliation now and working through things feels like a gut punch. It’s like all I could think of is how my ex-husband DID NOT fight for our marriage or even want to try to work through things. He skipped off into the sunset with his mistress turned gf. It's so reassuring that you understand where I'm coming from (although I'm deeply sorry you do). On the red flag front, I’m trying to discern between what’s actually a flag or just me being anxious/crazy because of my history.

@Anna123 & @Palmetto9213 – I really like this perspective. It’s empowering! I feel like in order for me to truly appreciate this newfound world of choice, I need to work more on trusting myself and healing my self-esteem. I look forward to feeling that level of power over my emotions/perspective. I honestly thought I was there (and maybe I was for a bit), but 2020 has seemingly knocked me back a few pegs in the process. I see so many people either getting proposed to, married or announcing pregnancies. I think seeing these announcements from the most “unexpected” people on my friends list gets to me and makes me feel behind.

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For the past almost 2 years, I worked on getting out of such a depressed and dark place from my divorce, but now I feel like I’m starting to encounter the “aftermath” effects in this new stage in life (aka dating).

Minor update:

Guy #2 – Sent something inspirational to me through FB messenger (still no text or call). Watching FB stories consistently though.

Guy #3 – Sent me a text today that was a “good morning beautiful” + inspirational news about someone I’m a fan of. I responded (later than I normally would since he has been MIA). I didn’t expect him to respond, but hoped he would to keep the conversation active. I don’t like how he is avoiding the way our last conversation left off. Maybe he decided he doesn’t want to date me anymore so it doesn’t matter, but would like to keep me in the friend zone. Trying not to obsess and just let it (and him) go. Whatever happens happens I guess….

I had to embrace the fact that dating is 99% rejection. Realistically, when we date someone it's a 50/50 proposition that you will either stay together forever or break up at some time (kind of dark, but stay with me on this....). That being said, I live my life that makes me and my kiddos happy and fulfilled. I have amazing friends (both male and female - some guys don't like the fact that I have close male friends, and those guys can fuck off because my close male friends were here first lol). I have a career I love. My kids are happy.

Anyone that has a hope in hell of staying with me accepts my messy and busy life. They need to fit my life, my life doesn't need to fit them. I give them the same grace and courtesy. THAT is how I've decided to look for a partner. And I know I don't NEED a partner. It will be a nice addition to my already amazing life :)

Sometimes I just want to give up and go back into hermit mode because it feels like too much.But then I realize meeting these men are helping me uncover triggers and areas where I thought I was healed, but I'm not

Brokenbride, I'm older and I totally get how hard it is to date atm and wanting to go into hermit mode.

After my divorce, I started to date. And like you I also realized that each date or guy I met did uncover triggers...or at least got me closer to what I wanted.

I decided from the day after seperation that i was going to take a year off and not work. Instead I worked on healing myself. I took it on as a full time job.

As for the dating, I was still attracting guys that weren't for me. For over a year I 'studied' dating. Really, I could write a course on it. Especially the online stuff. I initially had no clue how to date online. But I figured it out.

What was useful for me was to really get to know myself, love myself, be very ok with being single, and knowing that I can be single, but I prefer to have someone. But not just anyone. I wanted to meet my guy.

I got really clear on what I did and didn't want in a long term committed relationship. I took 90 days to figure out how to find my guy.

And then I stopped dating for about a month. I was done. Dating fatigue, I had given it a really good shot.

And as it often happens, I met my guy IRL. We've been together for over a year and it's the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

So, all that to say, don't give up. Do get super clear on what you want. Have the courage to say: NEXT, as soon as a guy doesn't treat you with the respect that you may want.

If a guy is interested (depending on his personality type) he will pursue you.

I found it was super important once I got clear, to be very communicative with a guy very early on in the process. I didn't want to waste my time and energy. (Although I did veer off my path for a short while, and that was fun). Overall though, I'm glad I have done so much work on myself, otherwise I would have kept attracting the wrong kind of guy. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

Please stop blaming yourself for other people’s issues.

I am working through healing triggers with an IC. I have been dating a man again now for 2.5 years, but he has no interest in marriage, he says. So I get that the Guy # 3 would want to date to marry, because what else are you doing if nothing is moving forward.

He may need to make sure you are on solid emotional footing, just thinking out loud...

I hope it all works out for you.

You have had sex. Oral is sex. Sounds like he is frustrated with all take and no give. He probably is very frustrated and thinks you are stringing him along.

*Forgive any typos please*

@twicefooled – I’ve been working on focusing more and more on having a fulfilled life without any sort of love/significant other. Just when I think I’m doing fine, something small will trigger me. Like for instance, I went to the store today to grab champagne and saw Valentine’s decorations up. It made me sad a little. Still have some work to do into 2021 to not let things like that stir me.

@GraceLove – Healing really is like a full-time job that I feel most people only get to do part time (in between life, kids, family, work, etc.). I feel like I keep attracting men that are just not “it” for me even though I’m in a better place. Like they say, maybe it’s just the lucky of the draw. A numbers game. I’m so glad you’ve found yourself in a healthy relationship after making it through the dating phase. It gives me a little hope

@The1stWife – You’re right. I really hate that I still do that.

@CoderMom & @Thanksgiving2016 – UPDATE

Guy #2: He still goes from stints of consistency and being inconsistent. Example, he made it known he would like to Facetime the other day when I was free. I agreed and said I would be open in the afternoon. A few hours go by and I follow up like “hey when do you think you’ll be free” and he goes “for FT or in person?” I say both actually. He said he would be free Monday (he would be off work) and completely ignored setting up a FT when it was his idea. I know this may seem small, but since it’s not the first time he’s done that, it annoys me because it seems a little flaky. Sighs

Guy #3: So he never responded to my last text checking on him.but sent me a flirty “Come here” at 1 in the morning randomly through FB messenger. Basically, code for wanting me to come see him/drive to his house. I felt super annoyed and was like “oh hell no!” for several reasons:

1 – he left me on read and we never had our serious talk + I hadn’t heard from him in a week

2 – why send me a message on FB at 1am like I’m some booty call and you have my number!? He doesn’t drink, so it wasn’t a drunk message

I don’t know I just felt slightly disrespected and hurt given the context and his lack of interaction up until this point. If we were in consistent communication and closer, I probably would’ve taken it lighter/and as more of a playful” or “sexy” Come Here. Because I’m foolishly semi-attached, I call myself giving him an opportunity to clean up his act…so the message was on vanish mode and disappeared, so I sent him a response around 9am saying “The message disappeared”, he responded “Come here” again!! I was hoping he would at least say “Good morning” or “Hi, how are you”, anything other than the same damn thing!! UGH. I didn’t respond and I guess I can say I’ve officially been ghosted by Guy #3. If I’m honest, a couple of my friends red flagged him earlier on (based on his inconsistency, short messages and leaving me on read even though I expressed to him I didn’t like that), but I admittedly have been attached since he is the first guy I’ve been physical with in 2 years.

Now I wonder if he was just physically attracted to me and had plans to wear me down but I required too much “work” (aka wasn’t an easy smash). Or made he just has some emotional/mental issues…He deactivated his social media a few times and came back (hasn’t deleted me). I know all signs (and my gut) point to letting him go. After all that I’ve been through with my ex, I’m not sure why this is so hard.

There's a Guy #4...he has the SAME NAME as my ex husband and is super sweet and veeeery clearly into me. Such a stark difference from Guy #3 (in terms of getting to know you questions). But I'm not that attracted to him ...is the universe playing tricks on me???

Anyway, here I am. Officially my third NYE without my ex. At least I’m not curled up crying, so I’ll cheers to that.

Happy New Year everyone!

Here’s to 2021 where guy 2 and guy 3 are not on your horizon.

Progress - you have enough self respect to ignore the “come here” booty call.