SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The problem is that I have no way to win this.. .it's like nuclear war... the only way to win that game is to not play. At this point, a "win" is to lose the least.

It certainly feels that way. Life is so darn complicated I too have chosen not to play. Anytime I do it tends to feel like a set-up on his part in making me look like a bad parent.

A pretty significant update, I think.

Good news: My daughter got really sick last week... in fact, her appendix ruptured and she spent two nights in the hospital.

I think that she got scared enough that she started talking to me. She even let me visit her in the hospital for a couple of hours.

Here's to hoping that she doesn't get mysteriously angry at me again.

Barcher, Hope she’s on the mend and glad she reached out to you.

Congrats on the renewed contact. I hope she sustains it. There's nothing like a brush with death to clear your perspective. In the end you're the safe parent who she doesn't spend as much time with. That automatically gives you the short straw. Can you imagine the result if she takes out her anger and frustration on the ex?

In the end you're the safe parent who she doesn't spend as much time with.

This was one of my "ah-ha" moments in the last week or two.

My kids are angry and yelling at me all the time because they're pissed and frustrated... but I am not the one who retaliates against them. Alienated kids yell at the targeted parent because they feel SAFE in doing that. If they were scared of me, like my xWW claims, then they would not yell at me because they'd be afraid to trigger me.

My mother is a raging narcissist. I definitely don't yell at her... in fact, I rarely speak to her these days.

Sometimes I think my kids wanted to scream "This is so f****d up"-especially after spending weekends with their Dad and OW- Instead they took out their frustrations on me.

It’s better now, and I provide a safe quiet place to escape. I think your kids will gravitate towards you the older they get.

It’s awesome your daughter wanted you there.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:18 AM, Saturday, April 16th]

I think that my divorce saga is finally over. We had mediation today and we reached a settlement. FINALLY.

Ironically, I think that our negotiated deal is actually better than what I had offered her (informally) a month ago. A month ago, I offered her $1000 to basically remove alimony ($425 per month). Today, I am paying her $1700 to remove alimony but we also re-negotiated child support so I am paying ~$150 per month less in child support too. Both offers included a waiver that prevents her from ever going back to court and asking for more alimony (no matter the reason).

So, an extra $700 to pay less child support? Score!

I am very surprised that we were able to reach an agreement. Their first "offer" was for $15,000... so they came down a lot. I had literally talked to my attorney about skipping mediation altogether because why pay her for 3 hours of time (~$1000) when the chances of reaching a settlement was miniscule.

I don't know if I am happy but I am definitely relieved that this is over.

p.s. There was a whole lot of projecting going on. Basically, they acted like I have spent the last three years making promises and breaking them (i.e., what they have been doing).

That makes me so happy to read you finally get some good news.

I wonder what changed to make her settle. Actually who cares. She did and now you can move forward.

I'm so happy for you!!!

I think that my divorce saga is finally over. We had mediation today and we reached a settlement. FINALLY.

Congrats Barcher. Sounds like they realized they were screwed on this issue (BF moving in and that impact on her household budget correct?) and it was in their best interest to settle.

Sounds like they realized they were screwed on this issue (BF moving in and that impact on her household budget correct?) and it was in their best interest to settle.

Pretty much. The mediator flat-out said that I had a great case and that I absolutely should win... but you never know with judges and they could always rule in ways that you don't expect. Towards the end, she said that I had a 2% chance of losing, with the caveat that she would have said the same thing about my appeal... which I also lost. The mediator literally suggested that there was a black cloud over my head (as a joke).

I also got lucky because xWW is not very knowledgeable about the law and she did not communicate with her lawyer very well. It used to be the law in my state that living with a romantic partner was not a disqualifying factor for eliminating alimony, but this changed about 4 or 5 years ago. During my marriage, xWW would repeatedly catch wind of some crazy "law" and think that it was actually a law without checking (I like to fish. She would regularly inform me about fishing laws from the late 1970s -- which is super weird because she doesn't fish and she was born in 1976). So, I am sure that she moved in with her boyfriend, incorrectly thinking that she was safe from legal action.

It also helped that she had received a HUGE raise earlier this year, which basically eliminated her need for alimony too. I think her actual salary is now double what she claimed it was at trial (it's not literally double because she lied about her income at trial).

And, the other factor, was that her lies in court were catching up to her. There were probably 10 instances of "he said vs. she said" at trial and the judge sided with me on 9 of them. Along those lines, she testified in court that there was no way that she could manage to work full time, which she started doing the day the judge issued his ruling. It also didn't help her that we had evidence (not rock-solid but convincing) that she was looking to buy a house with her boyfriend prior to trial. She then testified at trial that she was concerned that she couldn't afford the marital home on her own.

I am also realizing how lucky that I am that her attorney got fixated on a super minor issue (forcing me pay the sanctions from the appeal -- I was already paying this) rather than the important stuff like alimony and child support. My attorney snuck in a change to child support at the last moment and somehow her attorney forgot to fight for that with her usually vigor and crazy.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 4:05 PM, Thursday, May 19th]

I truly hope this is the end, barcher. What a journey! It has been difficult to see all the ups & downs, especially because it was a lot of downs.

So happy things are over & things went your way!

Onward and upward! Glad that is over and you can shut the door on all that mess.
Enjoy the peace!

I’m so happy you are finished paying alimony and that the chaos is over!!!!!!!

I truly hope this is the end, barcher. What a journey! It has been difficult to see all the ups & downs, especially because it was a lot of downs.

So happy things are over & things went your way!

Onward and upward! Glad that is over and you can shut the door on all that mess.
Enjoy the peace!

I’m so happy you are finished paying alimony and that the chaos is over!!!!!!!

Thank you!!

I just had a thought... and that I am finally DONE with this site. No, that doesn't mean that I will no longer be around (this isn't goodbye), but I now feel like I am fully out of infidelity, which of course is the goal of this website.

And so thank you, everyone, past and present, who have helped me, challenged me, and who have been annoyed by me since August 31, 2016, the day that I joined this site. And thank you, complete stranger from another online discussion forum, who recommended this site to me in the first place.

I'm so happy for you! It really is a crazy feeling being free! Now go enjoy your life.

Very late to the game here. (Needed to step away for a bit. I'll update in my own thread when ready.)

Barcher, your last update literally brought to tears to my eyes, and I felt my heart swell with joy. I'm so very happy that you've reached the end of this craptastic journey. And a couple of things finally went in your favor!! A couple of pretty important things! I hope you will stick around, poke your head in every now and then. Give advice to those of us still struggling, and just update us on your amazing life in general. Much love to you and GF. :)

Congrats Barcher.
Just now seeing this. Must feel pretty good to have some resolution, and get something more equitable.

Glad you kept pushing.

Just thinking of you today!

Very late to the game here. (Needed to step away for a bit. I'll update in my own thread when ready.)

No worries. I figured as much...

I am glad that you are back, at least for one message.

Barcher, your last update literally brought to tears to my eyes, and I felt my heart swell with joy. I'm so very happy that you've reached the end of this craptastic journey. And a couple of things finally went in your favor!! A couple of pretty important things! I hope you will stick around, poke your head in every now and then. Give advice to those of us still struggling, and just update us on your amazing life in general. Much love to you and GF. :)

Thank you!!!

I still plan on being around, at least a little bit here and there. I have, more or less, used the last five years to assess who I am versus who I want to be. I wasn't all that bad before (no matter what ex-WW says) but I could be better... and I am a lot better... but I still have a ways to go.

Just now seeing this. Must feel pretty good to have some resolution, and get something more equitable.

Thank you!

I am noticeably happier and "lighter" according to my girlfriend. So, yes, the resolution of this mess has been great.

The financial side hasn't started yet. It was supposed to have started in June but the same amount is still being withdrawn from my paycheck.... so that'll be helpful when that time comes too.