SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This month is one year since the A and I left. Two days later she met a new guy and moved in with him. The guy she had the A with had a girlfriend that he lived with so going there wasn't an option for her.

I am 38 and she is 31. We had the easiest D in the history of D's. $435 and only one court date, no lawyers. This was also after being together for 14 years and married 10. This was in early June. She tried to get married to her new guy that same day but the judge said it would take a couple of days for the paperwork to get filed. So a week or so later she got remarried. It's so easy for her. Me not so much.

If there was one thing I thought I could do right in this world it was to be a good husband. I wanted to be married or in a long term relationship since I was in grade school. No matter what happened I thought I could fix things. After many A's and trying to fix whatever was wrong, I realized that the problem was never going to go away. It was part of her personality. I am happy with my decision because staying would be accepting an open marriage and that hurts too much.

I dated one girl since then, and it felt so wrong. I find myself missing my ex even though I don't want to be with her. It's kind of like I'm waiting for her to say that she misses me or that she is sorry for what she did. We all know that will never happen.

I don't know how to cook well, so I usually just grab something to eat on the way home from work. We are getting a snowstorm in Chicago this weekend, so I went to the grocery store today after work and bought some things. For the first time ever I started to have a panic attack in the store. I caught myself and calmed myself down before it went out of control, but it caught me off guard. My mind was going back to my ex and thinking about how we would go shopping. It was too much for my mind to deal with I guess. What the hell is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be over this by now?

I'm sorry if I'm all over the place in this post, I just don't know what is going on with me. I haven't been here since the beginning of the A and it helped me through a lot, many times actually over the years because I lost count of how many times we went through that stuff.

Can anyone that has been through this let me know if this is normal or what I can do? I have been having a rough time with this lately and really would like to move on with my life and find someone to share it with one day.

Hi atomman,

I think this is normal. The panic attack, thinking back to your ex... I wonder if it’s like PTSD. You’re healing from trauma. Through her betrayal of you, she forced you to ingest a lot of her poison - infidelity IS abuse. So your whole being is trying to expel the trauma she left you with, and that can affect you physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

I wish I knew an answer; I’m going through something very similar. I feel crazy, my mind is flooded often, and my body keeps having problems. I only hope it stops.

Are there things in your life that help you feel anchored? Even small things? I think because of the trauma bonding, your mind keeps returning to your ex because she represents an anchor of sorts. But this anchor isn’t healthy; this one you need to cut free. You will be able to, bit by bit. In the meantime, let’s find a healthier harbor - or build one.

You are not alone.

Atomman, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or the way you are feeling. A year is really not that long a time to be able to process not only a divorce but a long relationship dotted with infidelity and failed R attempts. You did what you could to salvage the relationship but, as you yourself admit, she could not help herself (narcissist?). But your head is telling you one thing and your heart another...that’s perfectly normal too, although it doesn’t make it any less painful

Things do get better, but it takes time. You need to allow yourself to branch out of the usual routines and mind loops. If you are not ready to date, that’s fine, but there are other ways to move your life forward without making any massive changes.

Also, you don’t mention IC in your post and I wonder if this is something you would consider. Most of us ‘new beginners’ had IC to help us transition to the other side and it sounds to me as though you would benefit from it too.

Again, it’s early days, and before you know, life will feel bearable again and...eventually even exciting! Remember, every end is also a beginning

Agree with above, IC has been critical in my recovery from the infidelity sh**show.

Please consider it. it's really hard to get out of our own heads when we have experienced trauma. An IC Will listen, and talking about it over and over leads to healing. An IC can also give you tools to help you move forward. Show you how to see things from a different perspective.

Hi Atomman,

is this a good opportunity to channel the energy consuming you with thoughts of your ex, with a new hobby....... learning to cook.

Maybe you could find some forums that share recipes, or find an online cookery course, that will hopefully provide you with a small place in time where you are distracted. Hopefully that distraction will start to form larger chunks of time and help you start investing in what you enjoy doing with your time. In time, this will tip the balance more in your favour. As you heal and become stronger you will realise it has been a few hours since you last thought about your ex, then a day, then a week.

I have recently read in one of the forums about breaking down say a salad as a coping mechanism when triggers happen. What would you put in it, where did the tomatoes come from, what do they smell like, what are you going to team them with in your salad. The original post was much better than what I have just regurgitated! However the point remains the same, giving your mind something more complex to think about, will hopefully help you stay in a place of calm until the trigger passes.

For similar reasons I have just downloaded an app to learn French. I was rubbish at French at school. But I do like the thought of having a retirement bolt hole or retirement home there one day. My escape/fantasy!! However every morning I do just 5 minutes on the app. It sets up challenges to do the lessons for 7 days in a row etc. I have started translating messages I send my family into French (using good old google) for a bit of fun. But it provides me with pockets of escapism. I imagine the sun shining on my face, blue shutters on a quaint little cottage. Buying bread at the local bakery..... Can you see how one thing can feed another in helping to change your mindset 'in the moment'.

Hugs and strength being sent your way.

Have a great weekend.

If there was a dish you would like to be able to make, what would it be?

This last year was kind of all over the place and I did try IC right after the A and I was happy to do it, but I only had two sessions and then the person that was seeing me left that office, the pandemic started and after about two weeks, I felt so much better than I had before so I just convinced myself I was ok enough to not need IC.

What a roller coaster. Some days I'm totally fine and then all of a sudden I get sad and miss parts of my old life. Then I kind of get upset at myself for feeling that way. She really wasn't good to me so I feel guilty for feeling like this.

I do have a good amount of hobbies I like doing and that does help a lot of times.

Atom,

I think that we can only handle so much at a time, and over the last year you’ve been putting one foot ahead of another - -all good. So as you heal, things will bubble up. Totally normal. It was a piece that you had not yet dealt with, and now you can feel it, explore it, and let it go.

I also found IC helpful in helping me cope and helping me get really good with being on my own. Because only then will I be a healthy partner for someone else.

Learn to cook a few things- nothing fancy, but healthy and tasty. Saves money, is kinda fun, and builds that confidence.

You are doing okay. remember healing is not linear, and just accept that there will be bumps in the road.

Good to hear that you have hobbies that keep you occupied. I also concur that maybe a few “brush up” sessions with a new IC may be in order.

Re the cooking, I usually take Sunday afternoon and cook several things for the week. A big pot of soup, a casserole, something in the slow cooker, etc. That way I know I have good leftovers for the week and all I need to add is usually a salad.

Are there some favorite recipes you can get from a relative and guidance? So many utube options, etc.

Plus, when you are ready to start dating you will need a few meals in your back pocket to prepare at your place!

Atomman my brother, I feel your pain. Take a deep breath. First things first. Iron sharpens iron. Do you have some Male friends to spend time with, even through Zoom? My just bro lives 400 km away, but we Zoom beer and scotch together about 3-4 times a week. We check up on each other and curiously enough, our sad days alternate. He just ended his last relationship.

Now for the panic attacks. Shit, do I know what those are like. Even went to emergency once. Talk to your doc or IC if you have one. Drugs a d counseling were key for me. Even three years out, I still get them, but they are less frequent and a lot less severe. One thing that helped me is recognizing that I am not my emotions they do not define me. I merely experience them.

Now, as for cooking. Learn to cook. Ladies love a man that can cook. It is sexy foreplay. There are three rooms in which I am very comfortable, the workshop, the bedroom, and the kitchen. I cook well because I love to eat well. Go to a thrift store and buy a recipe book. Try one new recipe a week. Take notes as you cook to tweak it the next time. Get a pallet of 15-20 things you can cook well and you will be off. Watch cooking shows. Joint a class as well. Might meet someone too.

Now for the big advice. Find your purpose or a whole bunch if purposes. A man needs direction and motion in his life. We are built for the hunt, and when there is no hunt, we need a replacement. Have you ever wondered why so many if our guy activities are patterned after hunting or combat? If we dont strive, we die inside.

Having a goal will make you feel better. It will also help you forget the Ex. Chase the very best version of yourself a d the rest will fall into place. Peace brother. You ARE going to do this!

It just takes time.

You will process and grieve at times but you will also heal.

At some point you will start to realize that you are in a new chapter of life.

In the interim I say buy a few easy good cookbooks. Heck maybe take a cooking class online. Join a group around something you like.

Build in some physical movement.

That helps to let off steam.

The first year after breakup was an emotional roller coaster for me.

I would think I had things all together and then wham I would be triggered by something.

I went through all the emotions.

Now several years later I am mostly in my new chapter.

So here is a toast to the new chapter!

Sidenote:

There are Meal kit delivery companies.

You can order the ingredients and recipe and the deliver it to your door.

You can avoid the store! :)

[This message edited by Lavenderrose at 5:45 PM, February 13th (Saturday)]

Hi atomman,

There is nothing wrong with you. This stuff is amazingly hard. Yes, you will question yourself, and your ability to do things. But yes, you will keep going, and yes, things will get better. 100%!!!

Really good suggestions above. IC. Yes, you can cook, and it feels really good to make improvements there one step at a time. Lots of recipes on internet, btw. And buying prepared meals also a good idea.

I don't know what you like to do regarding exercise, but that is amazingly helpful for me. Even just regular walks really help.

Reaching out to people you know and sharing your situation helps. And give something back to those people whom you find are really there for you.

When you have bad difficult feelings, sit with them and learn to accept them. And the same with good ones. Know they both come and go.

One last thing: I really found this book helpful recently: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Maybe it will help you.

Sending support and good vibes!

Hi atomman,

There is nothing wrong with you. This stuff is amazingly hard. Yes, you will question yourself, and your ability to do things. But yes, you will keep going, and yes, things will get better. 100%!!!

Really good suggestions above. IC. Yes, you can cook, and it feels really good to make improvements there one step at a time. Lots of recipes on internet, btw. And buying prepared meals also a good idea.

I don't know what you like to do regarding exercise, but that is amazingly helpful for me. Even just regular walks really help.

Reaching out to people you know and sharing your situation helps. And give something back to those people whom you find are really there for you.

When you have bad difficult feelings, sit with them and learn to accept them. And the same with good ones. Know they both come and go.

One last thing: I really found this book helpful recently: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Maybe it will help you.

Sending support and good vibes!

I have a hard time with jazz music. It’s been 7 years and I can tell you my H knows never to play jazz.

If we ever go out to a place snd it’s playing I have to distract myself. I don’t have a meltdown but I do want to slap my H.

Their first “date” was to meet at a jazz club to pretend to discuss business. 😡😡😡 my H and the OW - pretending to be “friends”.

It does get better — it just takes time.

And yes I had to tell my unaware H NEVER to play jazz in front of me. He’s that unaware at times.

Totally normal - conventional wisdom here is 3-5 years to heal, and unfortunately that seems about right.

I dated too quickly after my divorce, and did not find success. Only the desperate weirdos and users were attracted to me, and the normal guys ran away because I wasn't healed yet.

Wound up meeting current boyfriend at about 3.5 years out; we've been together for 5.5 years and are likely life partners (though as anyone on this site knows, no guarantees!)

I know covid throws a wrench in things, but what helped me heal was IC, exercise (specifically running and yoga), making friends and being social, focusing on my job (I studied for and passed a certification that skyrocketed my career.) Initially I did these things as living well is the best revenge, but in time my WXH became an after-thought and I was just trying to make the best life I could for myself.

Keep at it - you will get there. My IC kept telling me that she'd far rather be me than a cheater when I was despondent that he had a new partner and I was starting over. It took a while for me to buy into that 100%, but it's so true. You've got this.

I threw myself into making new friends when I filed the divorce/separation papers. I got really lucky in that the pandemic had already forced me off the couch and doing yard work and walking and riding my bike - since those were socially distanced things I could do.

I spent much time in mourning the loss of my marriage, but tried really hard to keep myself distracted - sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I went in for a checkup with my doctor and let him know what was going on and he gave me a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety med that helped a lot. He told me to keep doing what I was doing - riding bikes, walking,working out at the gym, meeting new friends.

I kept doing things with friends as much as possible and tried to just meet new people. Dating was not really on my radar because I knew that I would not break my vows, even if she did. I'm glad I waited until the divorce was final because one of my friends and have become more than just friends, with zero expectations other than to always try and have fun. I would tell her that I didn't know how to do the whole dating/relationship thing or even how to flirt. She patiently reminded me that I would know when I knew and that it would be there at the right time.

I'm glad my integrity kept me to my vows until the divorce was final and I was legally single. I'm having more fun than ever in my life and can see that life is not only good, but the best is yet to come.

When the memories and the blues hit me hard, I go for a walk or turn on some loud music or try to cook something or call a friend and talk. I have a couple of really good friends that I can call any time and just vent. If I can't get ahold of them, I write, a lot. But as time as gone on, the need to vent lessens for me. I went to IC a few times and the counselor told me to just keep doing what I am doing.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 2:15 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

What the hell is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be over this by now?

I am sure something is wrong with you (because we are all flawed, amiright?), but needing time to grieve does not mean that something is wrong with you. Far from it.

You know what is wrong? This:

She tried to get married to her new guy that same day but the judge said it would take a couple of days for the paperwork to get filed. So a week or so later she got remarried.

Take your time. Grieve. Learn about yourself. And if that doesn't work, I recommend a lot of weed. (just kidding, sort of).

Thanks for all the advice, it really catches me off guard when I feel like I'm moving forward and then start thinking of the past or missing the past.

I hope things get better with more time.

Your marriage was up and down, manic and calm. Guess what. You get addicted to that. I read an article by a man who missed war. He said it was zero to sixty all the time. Boredom, then abject fear, rage, then boredom. Does that sound like a version of your marriage?

Btw, your wife flitting from man to man is a sign of a serious attachment issue. Seriously. I’m guessing she had a rotten childhood.

Your brain needs help rewiring. I suggest EMDR.

Big hugs. I took a long time to start dating after ex moved out because I was a mess. It was good though, I went from despairing that nobody would want my chubby old ass to being really happy single and ending up in a relationship with someone who still is consistently trying to "win" me 2.5 years later. I was so content single that I didn't want to add anyone to my life who wasn't actively making it better.

Be alone for a bit. Get counseling. Learn to self-soothe and appreciate the peace that comes after toxic drama tornadoes leave your life.

Ohhh yeah and exercise. Life saver.