This started out as an update on my other dating/not dating thread, but screw it. It's my special day, so I'm starting a new thread. Plus, I'm trying to make it to 1000 posts. Almost there.
Well, it's my birthday and I am having a mini solo celebration between grocery shopping for the week and getting back to my side hustle job. Yes, my life is an adventure. Oh, oh, tell me, am I living my best life yet?
Currently, we are on Province wide restrictions, so we can only sit outside. Nice day for it.
Today I turn 54. And as I reflect back on my life, I try not to throw up in my mouth, just a little. Man, I did not picture myself here. A career professional who works orchard work on the side, plus small job renos, just to pay the bills. It used to be good with a wife and kids and house... Oh well. But I do what needs to be done.
On the bright side, we always seem to have just enough. Last month i had to dip into my tooth fund, broken molar that needs a crown, so I was quite disheartened. My goal is forward. Even if I have to measure it in inches, it's still progress. So when i broke my rule of never touch the savings, I felt pretty defeated. But the next week, i get a call from the orchard guy that he needs work, and he even hired my kids! So now they have a bit of pocket cash and i can begin topping things up. Just hope the tooth doesn't break...
And this is the kicker. As I was leaving the orchard, he gave me a beef tenderloin. I was floored, but it wasnt until I got home that my kids pointed out the price. It was more than half of what I spend on groceries for a week. Hell, I dont even walk by the beef cooler because I know I can't afford the hood stuff.
This gesture moved me to tears. I mean, my life has been shit for do long, I just assume that shit things will be the new normal.but I also feel tremendously guilty accepting charity, so I was spinning all afternoon. I ended up calling my friend who gave me shit for not receiving. It's just so hard to receive help or kindness when it seems I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We had a good laugh talking about some of the shit we did to cope with a tight budget during our divorces. He was so broke, paying alimony, that he would hit up the food bank just to feed his kid and he, even though he taught university. I would be invited out with "the boys" and would eat before I left, so I could tell everyone I wasnt hungry and just nurse a beer. He's doing great now and is my "you can make it" go to guy.
So, just enough money seems to show up just when its needed. Go figure. Lillies if the field I guess. Thanks big guy.
So here I am, drinking the cheapest beer I can find in town and celebrating another go around the sun. Still not thrilled about life, but not hating it either. I'm learning to find peace in being alone and just enjoying my own company. Covid has certainly helped with that. The future scares me and I still shake pretty regularly. My panic attacks are fewer and I see myself as a victim no longer. So that's pretty good for year 3ish.
Now if the divorced could just be finalized so I can send the ex a Skank You card...
