SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a process for me to untangle with Stbxwh.

I don’t think I can ever trust another person after this- and I really don’t look forward to dating or meeting someone new.

I’m 42. Can I live a happy life alone for the next 40 years? No sex for the next 40 years?

I’d love to hear from people who’s new beginnings don’t include a love interest! Because I have no interest in love!

Since getting divorced, I have rediscovered how much I truly value being alone. I am very comfortable with my own company (and always have been) and have not really felt any of the lonelies at all. I guess I am of the mind at this point in my life that the people in it need to add to my overall positivity quotient or I am not interested. Life is way too short to keep toxicity in it.

I just never really understood the notion that you have to have an SO to be.... whole? Fulfilled? Complete? I am more than enough just with myself thankyouverymuch. I think that comes from watching my mom do the 'have to have a boyfriend or husband at any cost' thing for most of my life. It was just a parade of assholes for 30 years. I'd rather be by myself than be with a shitty SO.

Maybe I meet someone someday, maybe I don't. I am fine and will be fine either way. In the meantime, I like sleeping like a starfish on my bed and having the whole closet to myself and not having to worry about making decisions having to keep someone else's ego in mind. And watching whatever I want to on the boob tube. And fixing whatever I want to for dinner. And not having to tiptoe around someone else's moods.

Also, and maybe I'm an outlier, but the whole sex thing.... For now, I am FINE without having someone wanting and needing that all the time. My xwh used to like waking me up in the middle of the gd night for it (mind you, I had to be up for work at 5am) and would get ten shades of butt-hurt if I 'refused' him. Yeah, definitely NOT missing that minefield!

I'm turning 68 this year and have had two brief liaisons in 13 years. Both were fantastic and exciting, and it was a nice distraction. Would I like to have a playmate? Sure. Who wouldn't? Am I desperate to find my final soulmate? Uh, nope, not even close.

These days I just choose to focus on enjoying life flying solo and it's now my preferred state.

It was really difficult at first, because as a society we're completely focussed on partnering up. It's like booze, it seems to be everywhere and it's the preferred default state if you believe everything you read and see on social media.

But if you really want a great life, fall in love with yourself first. Someone else may or may not come along, but it won't matter either way if you can just get into loving your own company.

Just my 2 cents as an elder.

Almost everything Ellie said, aside from the sex part. I miss that. Were it not for the pandemic, I likely would have found an occasional friend for that over the past year. Good news is that sex can just be sex. And in the meantime, invest in some toys.

But no, I don't have a great desire to have a mate. I'm completely whole and happy on my own. That hasn't ever been an issue for me. I'd swear that there are just as many fantastic things about being single as there are about being in a good relationship. I'm in no hurry to find someone to date, but I'm not allergic to the idea. I know for a fact that I could handle the next 40 years single if that's how it goes. I'm either going to enjoy the single life or enjoy the partnered life. Neither is a negative.

Although I really really really really really don't want to share a home again anytime soon. OMG I love having my own everything and not compromising on stuff. It's my sanctuary. I cannot begin to comprehend how utterly amazing a man would have to be to change my mind on that.

Im in the same boat. Still no interest in it, not sure I will I am really enjoying life free from relationship complications and spending time with my kids and my girlfriends and family.

Interesting thought tangent on that...

Whoever said that a "soul mate" has to be an SO?

I would argue for me that my "soul mates" (if there is such a thing which I have doubt on and that's a whole nother tangent) are my two best friends. They've known me forever. They've known me during awesome times. They've known me during really shitty times. I can be 100% myself with no filters and no fucks (or a lot of fucks cus I use that word like sentence garnish). For me - those two know ME and love me in a very authentic way, as I do them. To me, that's a soul mate. Looking back, I don't think xwh ever was that for me. And not saying that's all on him either.

It's my opinion that it's detrimental really to expect an SO to be a lover and a best friend and a soul mate and and and... That's an awful high pedestal to put a body on ya know?

Although I really really really really really don't want to share a home again anytime soon. OMG I love having my own everything and not compromising on stuff. It's my sanctuary. I cannot begin to comprehend how utterly amazing a man would have to be to change my mind on that.

Riiiiiight??? I LOVE having my house be MY house. My bed gets made every day, there aren't socks everywhere, no dirty dishes in the sink when I get home from work...

I say if I ever do partner up again - we will buy a duplex. He will have his side and I will have mine. We can do sleepovers and hangout and all, but each have our own space that we can decorate like we want and not have to deal with all that bs

Funny, I was thinking this the other day. On one hand I would like to meet someone and have a partner to have fun with. On the other hand I am doing well on my own, really enjoy loving by myself and honestly, I am not sure that I want to live with someone again. I can’t imagine trusting anyone again nor not being triggered by normal things, like him texting someone 🤣

I guess I will just wait and see what happens.

Echoing the others— get some toys, and learn to relish this life. That will put you in the healthy space to connect with others (or not).

There are times I really want to be partnered up, but the majority of the time and I am SO HAPPY alone.

Not even FWB type situation?

Sometimes I feel I enjoy being solo a little too much! I have loved doing what I want when I want. At this point, I'm not so sure I would be a good partner to someone else. Compromise is no longer my best trait.

Sure, it would be nice to have someone, but at the same time, I'm no longer searching.

Take this time to get to know yourself again. The you without someone always there. You may find you enjoy it.

Not even FWB type situation?

Nah. I’ve only been with stbxwh. Met him as a teenager while we were in college. I am just very awkward around men and don’t think I could let anyone else see me naked after 3 kids!

I have never really ever had male friends either. I don’t get when men flirt with me either lol I’m hopeless when it comes to dating and stuff like that. Just no good. I have great traits- I can make a damn good eggplant parm, I am a great mom, I am a good swimmer, and I am up for almost any road trip or adventure.

But date and flirt and men in general? I am THE WORST.

GGT, there's tons of wisdom here about how to enjoy being alone and yet still having a sex life and exciting flings. But I'd like you to know that having seen a variety of people say over and over again that they'll never date and marry again and can't even imagine it while still in the process of a breakup/D, I actually can't think of anything that points more to a future 2nd marriage than that. The reality is most people date and marry again. Yes, after a D and 3 kids. Yes, who are awkward and shy. Yes, who don't have a perfect body. Because tons of other people out there don't care much about it. You don't even have to be in the top 60% of attractive, interesting, or good people to date, marry, and be happy. Just look at all of our bargin bin XWSes reeling them in!

Take the advice of being comfortable with yourself but also know that any of this "no sex or love for 40 years" crap is a cruel, unnecessary, and unlikely fear that your brain has chosen to focus on to keep you sad and uneasy. You're going to be okay whether it's with Mr. Right or Mr. Right For Now.

GGT - I wish I could get to where you are. Can I live alone and have a fruitful life? Yes. Do I want to? No. I yearn for that closeness and intimacy. However, conversely, the thought of dating again makes me feel ill.

I was in a situation today where I was talking to a guy. He was attractive. Engaging. We had good conversation. Through the course of our chat, we learned that we have conflicting opinions on a topic of a political nature - he said “well that’s unfortunate”. I took that to mean he’d been interested but this conflict of opinion meant it was a no go. My instinct was to backtrack and minimize my opinion in order to continue to garner his interest in me. I realised what I was doing and gave myself a metaphorical slap. But that’s my instinct. I want people to like me.. I need to work on that.

I do 100% agree with Ellie’s comments around soulmates. My soul mates are my best friends. They have been - and will continue to be - with me through thick and thin. They know all the ugly, dark corners of my soul. I’m not sure a partner will ever fulfill that role for me.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 4:15 PM, April 17th, 2021 (Saturday)]

Ok well for what its worth , you are being far too pessimistic - Here is the Siracha plan for you Ggtt .

1. Money . Get a 40 yr plan for your finances - that means plan out your career /education/ 401 k /investments etc now so you have the best shot possible at your best life

2. Home . Get your home to be one of your your soul mates - love your space paint it decorate it keep a garden or serenity room every room should make you want to be in it . I bought large second hand white canvases and painted over them in a base of clay and then J pollocked the fk out of them . I also got a mix of old and new furniture book shelves rattan carpets african face masks etc and for not much inlay i swear my house looks like an art museum if i do say so myself . I dont have guest rooms or drawing rooms i have painting rooms and there is often a bed or sofa in it . I love being in my house it feels like a second skin .

3. Emotional investments :Your friends family pets will probably love you more than most husbands ever love a wife. Lock that down . Pay in when you can . Draw out when you have to .

4. Bodies . Im in my mid 40 s , hopefully i will spend the next 40 yrs on horses skis dance floors yoga mats and paddle boards. If you arent a fan of your body then that tells me you are not challenging yourself physically . Run bike dance get those endorphins in you . I personally dont like involving other people in my hobbies - i love doing all the above alone .

Most of my own life list is a stand alone and doesnt need a man in it although I have to say i somehow lucked out and you shouldnt assume that wont be your story too .

And now to

5. Sex . i personally am one of those “ sex is over rated “types. .But if thats not you - There is a whole world out there when you are single . Everything from toys to Fwb to tinder to sex clubs , name it and someone who looks just like you is indulging in it right now in spades.

The one thing i wish i had done as a single person - learn how to take rejection . I was ok looking and got alot of validation but i never really learnt how to take the initiative because i assumed men had to approach me. Here is my honest advice , when you are ready ....go out there and ask men out with the sole intention of getting good at rejection. You will quickly see that its no big deal . The only way you will live without good sex is if you are too timid to truly participate in the sexual world .Otherwise - the world is your oyster .

[This message edited by siracha at 8:27 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]

SUCH good advice, Siracha. All of those are things I'm either in the process of working on or am already there with. I'd suggest following all of those, Gottagetthrough.

Seriously the first thing I did before I even moved in this house was paint my bedroom the color I always wanted and no one else ever agreed upon. I've yet to meet the man who wanted brown walls accented with sunflowers and brightly-colored art, lol. Make your home yours in every way. It helps a lot psychologically.

And Ellie, I swear my soulmate is one of my dogs, ha ha. You're right on.

Romantic relationships aren't necessities for a happy life. However, life can take interesting turns and you can't say who you'd meet. The more we live our authentic lives and are able to take care of ourselves, the more likely it is that we'll choose wisely with future partners.

Dee i am getting such a kick out of picturing your walls all Van Gogh styled in sunflower against brown :)

And of course I do have Van Goh sunflowers on my wall, ha ha ha.

I haven't been with anyone since my exww. After 3 years, I love being single. I see some people out there chasing this or that. Almost like they're trying to fill a void. Just because.

But I will say that if I was to meet someone naturally, I wouldn't be against dating them if they're was mutual interest and things developed. I'm not going out of my way to date or find someone but if it happened, I would be good with it. Until then, I'm just living my life, doing my hobbies and things I enjoy. Life will work itself out. If I'm single for 5,10,20 years, so be it! Time will tell.

I love reading all of these responses. Thank you