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School keeps me way too busy to actually go out and meet people. Hell, I barely have time to walk my dogs! And I really don't want to start anything right now, anyway. But I do want to look around a little bit and see if I can't just see some men who might be worth knowing. You know, just for fun.

So what is a good online dating site? I am probably only going to join one. And what are some good tips to attract actual conversation-worthy humans, not just bots or weirdos?

Hi WarriorPrincess,

OLD is a law of large numbers, unfortunately. You have to wade through a lot of mud to find your diamond

Also expect a lot of rejection, not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because it’s the nature of the game. Don’t let that affect you, and always remember it’s not a reflection on you and your worth. It’s more to do with people chasing new dopamine highs with new faces.

I can’t recommend apps because I am in the UK, except for Tinder which I had a brief stint on and it’s fun if you are just looking for ‘fast & furious’, but rubbish if your goal is meaningful interactions. What I would recommend is that you work on your profile to make it stand out. Humour usually works quite well in attracting the ‘right’ type.

Good luck and...enjoy the ride!

[This message edited by Karmafan at 4:03 AM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

what are some good tips to attract actual conversation-worthy humans, not just bots or weirdos?

I've had some luck with OLD. I've only used one site (Match). No one has ever gotten inappropriate with me as far as sending nudes or anything like that. There are men (and women) who will lie about their age and other things. As soon as I find a lie, I block them.

As far as your own profile, do not lead with your sexuality (cleavage, mini skirts, heels) unless all you are interested in is a sexual fling. That will attract creepers and dick pics, and the men looking for something real will think you have nothing else to offer. I see it as a situation where you're supposed to dress for the job you want. I was casual and sporty in all my photos. No photos of me holding a martini glass in a dress. I did have a photo of myself in a tank and yoga pants (in a confident but non-sexual pose, to show that I am athletic and take care of myself), in a kayak, hiking out west in cargo pants and boots, a photo of my dog at the beach. Tasteful makeup, and no filters. All photos within the past year, and I dated them.

I'm seeing a man now for the past 3 months. Very intelligent, athletic, successful in his career, emotionally mature, looking for a long-term relationship. He has stated many times that he loved my profile because I appeared confident, honest (accurately date your photos and tell them you don't use filters! Filters are the biggest complaint I hear from men), and I didn't lead with my sexuality. It made him curious to know more about me. It is going well!

Be true to yourself and what you are looking to get out of dating. You will attract what you advertise.

One thing I did, I made a fake profile as a man and checked out the female "competition" in my area. (Man I am dating stated he did the same thing from the opposite perspective, haha) Very few appeared anything like me. Lots of cleavage and filters and pouty selfies. I was confident I would stand out in a good way.

I don't like the whole "it's a numbers game" perspective. My life is too busy to go on 80 bad dates before I find one good match. I like to weed out the 79 bad matches with my profile, (or within the first few messages). It's a time saver.

Most important, just have fun, and don't take it too seriously. If something clicks, it will progress naturally. Let it, and don't overthink anything.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:04 AM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

I would not recommend OLD if your intentions are to meet friends. Unless you are looking for a FWB, which it does not sound like? Logically people “should” be on them to date.

The only app I’m familiar with that has a Friends only section is Bumble. I never checked it out to see how many men were there compared to women looking for friends.

Two of my newest GFs I met on Nextdoor. A random hike/brunch outing. If that platform is used in your area there are all sorts of random topics to engage/comment/debate on.

Candidly, you’re not divorced, right? So I could give you all sorts of answers to your why not question. Most of which you can probably guess and see advised and repeated often here. If you opt to set up an OLD profile you need to state that you are newly separated and that you are only looking for a platonic friendship. Honesty is pretty rare on them-so it’s a good place to start with those details. (And then there are the emotional vampires that will see you as a potential victim or someone they can manipulate w that information....one of the “why nots” to be noted).

I found out on 2 first dates, two after a couple messages and a 1st phone call 5 different guys were separated. No thanks. Would not have bothered if I knew that. Saw a lot of men asking women to be completely single, so it goes both ways.

And yes, absolutely be prepared for rejection.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:29 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

Ahh, I know all about this topic :)

So what is a good online dating site?

If you think you'll mostly be doing this on your computer, I'd recommend Match. OkCupid used to be pretty good, but it's gotten a lot worse in the past year or so in my experience. Match is likely to be the one site/app that will give you the most information about a person.

If you're more likely to be on your phone, then Match is still good, but then there's also Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. Tinder has a reputation, but I actually think it's pretty great. Many people swear by Hinge, and I've had some luck with it.

Bumble has the unique feature of the woman having to begin the chat. Based on what it sounds like you're looking for, that may be the way to go!

And what are some good tips to attract actual conversation-worthy humans, not just bots or weirdos?

Write a profile (don't leave it blank), be genuine, mention some of your interests, use good grammar, and have a variety of pics that show you out in the world doing awesome things!

Selfies are cool, but a profile comprised of *only* selfies is kind of a red flag. Make sure your pictures look like you and aren't more than a year or so old, and I'd also generally advise having at least one full-body picture if you're actually planning to meet people in real life.

I'm over on the dude side of things, so I'm not as inundated with people looking for casual hookups as you may be. I'm really not sure what your best bet is there other than taking the time to really think about the profiles you're engaging with. You know, be discerning.

~

I'm a big advocate of getting on the apps and just scoping things out. Nothing bad can really come from just being there! Seeing what's out there, maybe having a few conversations...I really think that's just a healthy way to start thinking about future possibilities.

Have fun!

I would encourage you to forgo the dating sites and instead join a few forums of things that interest you, like RV or camping pages.

Thos way you meet people with mutual interests and build a relationship from that not from a guy knowing you are there looking for a man.

WhoTheBleep summed it up pretty nicely. OLD can be pretty brutal if you don't go into it with the right mindset. Desperation will get you a lot of heartache and expense (especially for guys like me who traditionally try to pay for the first date). It literally took me years (maybe decades) to get it right...thick skin, short memory, patience during the "lean" periods, make it fun, make it a game.

I've tried a lot of sites, but for me the best were the bigger (and more expensive) ones...Match and Eharmony. I got the best results out of those, and feel like the more options a site has for your profile, the better it is. Rule of thumb I found, put a lot of work into your profile (but stay honest) and only deal with profiles that show they have done a similar amount of work on their own. When you get Susie with some cleavage pics, and the only thing filled out on the profile is "Likes to have fun" (Duh! doesn't everyone?) "Doesn't play games" (which 99 percent of the time means they do) "Honest and sincere" (meaning they aren't but expect you to be) and nothing else, label that one a LOSER and move on. I got to the point where I'd seen so many profiles, the only one's I'd message were the ones that didn't have canned responses to everything. Sticking out is a big advantage in OLD. If you put everything you'd expect in a profile, odds are you will look just like the previous 99 profiles the person has read. Quirky and sense of humor in profile answers goes a LONG way.

It's a numbers game, which is why I prefer the bigger more crowded sites. You aren't going to get the perfect match right away. I mean, I probably have the OLD world record for quickest match to marriage speed (1st profile I messaged turned into my STBXWW) but Eharmony I had probably messaged 100s of profiles in the 2000s and 2010s with maybe 2 relationships to show for it.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 11:17 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

I've tried a lot of sites, but for me the best were the bigger (and more expensive) ones...Match and Eharmony.

Pay sites tend to have people invested in actually finding potentials and less scammers or married folk.

Yeaaaahhhhh, my gem of a cheating xwh I found on eharmony, so I don't think I'll be going there again Worst. date. ever.

I say find some groups for people who share your interests and don't try to 'force' the dating thing. I myself am planning on joining some meetups and stuff once covid goes away and just trusting the universe's timing for meeting someone. Just my experience, but in my life things like that just happen when they are supposed to and me trying to force it to go faster doesn't do anything but fuck me up.

Just curious really, but if you don't have time to walk your dogs and you don't want to start anything right now anyways.... why spend the money on dating sites right now at all?

Mostly I want to see that there are men in Indiana. Nice men, clean men, men with more than 2 functioning brain cells who don't look like they live in a dumpster.

All the people I meet are patients and people from work or school. Of the men I meet, most of them are married. Of the rest, they are either too young, too old, sickly, ugly, fat, or have something wrong with their minds.

When I start looking at these dudes, my WH starts looking pretty good. He is clean, not bad looking not overweight, and other than his stroke, not sickly. I already know what is wrong with his mind. It starts feeling like that may be the best I can do.

So really, I just want to see who else may be out there.

Get comfortable with yourself.

DO NOT for one second consider he is the better option, he is an abusive asshaat.

He has taken zero responsibility for his shitty behavior.

Sometimes it is better to be alone, and it can be a hell of a lot happier.

WP, before I started dating again, I started camping. I joined some Facebook groups to gain knowledge on camping. I ended up "meeting" two men in one of the groups. We ended up messaging back and forth quite a bit. It was never romantic and nothing ever developed. One kind of faded away, the other one is on my friends list now. I wasn't thinking this at the time, but in hindsight, simply chatting with a new man was a very good way to reenter the world as a single woman. As I never would have talked with these men while I was married. It wouldn't have been appropriate to me.

So if you are just looking to see what is out there, but not quite ready to date, join an interest group and be open to conversation with a man (or men!). You'll know what's what soon enough, and it won't feel like dating with all that uncomfortable pressure.

ETA: I see tushnurse mentioned this above. She's pretty spot on from what I've gathered these past few years.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:02 AM, May 13th (Thursday)]

If you just want to see who is out there, then why are you concerned about what your DATING profile should look like? You may find the unicorn that just wants to casually chat, but I rather doubt it. Frankly, he may be on there for the same reasons as you or he is really married, completely fake w no intentions of ever meeting a woman IRL, or just gathering likes from random women. Most of those options do not sound appealing to me. You will also find a lot of profiles stating they are not looking for a penpal. Again, makes sense on a dating site.

I agree with the suggestions of joining common interest groups.

One of my GFs has made it her goal to engage w 3-5 new men a week when the opportunities present themselves out in her normal day. To get comfortable. We were at lunch one day and as we are leaving she stops at a single man’s table w a dog. Turns out the pupper was a seeing eye trainee and my GF has volunteered at the training center. Instant 5 min convo.

Nothing more, but interesting to watch how it worked that time!