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So…if any have been following my story, we are now legally separated. Youngest of four sees him twice a week. Three eldest won’t see him or speak to him. He left December 2019.
He is living with OW. Who has moved up in the world from single 30 yr old living in a basement apartment with no car to a house, a car, trips, etc etc….she is 15 yrs younger.
My in laws ( I’ve known them since I was 16) have been devastated and embarrassed at their sons actions. They continue to come visit us and maybe have a dinner with him (no OW). My mother in law stated from the beginning that she would not meet her!
Well….they are visiting again (post Covid)…we are going on a camping trip with them (kids and I). They have a dinner planned with their son on Thursday. I walked by my MIL’s phone and she had texted that they would happily go golfing and then dinner and meet OW!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!
I don’t know what to do! Do I say anything? Do I confront my in laws? Do I let it slide?
They are aware of the hurt he continues to cause…but it’s like they are giving in. Which is what WH wanted all along.
I am enraged!!! Heart broken! F’in pissed!!!!!

Help!

You can't control the INLAWS. You can only control your own personal area. They must see some benefit from capitulating. Maybe he's threatened them in some way, seeing the kids, whatever. Don't get in a tit-for-tat war with them, you'll lose, the kids will lose, the only winner is OW and him.

Just deal with your children and whatever relationship YOU want to have with MIL and FIL. You feed into OW and HIM if you do anything against inlaws. Get your ducks in a row, lawyer, financials, paperwork, make the split permanent.

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 11:10 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

They have a choice. To have a relationship with their son or not. And if they choose she comes along as a package deal. So to keep the peace they gave in and will meet her or have met her.

Doesn’t mean they will like her or have a great relationship with her. But she comes along with their son - and they probably have only two choices. See him and OW or don’t see him.

I understand they (in laws) have now betrayed you. You feel there is no loyalty from them. It is hurtful.

But I suggest you keep the relationships separate. They see you & kids. You don’t discuss him or ask about him with his parents. It’s like he doesn’t exist.

And this way you can keep your self respect and in law relationship intact. It will get better over time. But they have to know they cannot discuss anything pertaining to their immoral lying cheating poor excuse of a son with you. The door has shut and the topic is closed.

Sorry for you — you deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:23 AM, Monday, August 23rd]

Thanks all
I’m trying to see it from their perspective. I am having a hard time because I can’t even imagine one of my kids doing this. Ofcourse they never saw this coming either! I just feel like the betrayals are never ending….
I’m still 😡 I feel like he is getting exactly what he wants…and I am fading away

Do they have other children? If not that might be a reason they have capitulated.

Also they just may not have the strength to stand up to him. Sadly that could be part of the CH’s issues - his parents never told him no.

It is hard to understand their motivation.

They have 2 other children. They have spoken to their brother but they have refused to meet OW! Who knows they may give in at some point too. However they are like brother and sister to me too…I grew up with them….

Having read your posts I think you should be talking to your therapist about detachment.
I know it’s hard. I know it’s 20 years of your life. I know it’s altering the future you envisioned.
But reality is what reality is…

Your comments about how your husband interacts with the kids, how the inlaws are going about it… Well… I think you are allowing your ex husband too much power. You would possibly be better set if you had more of a meh! reaction if he doesn’t meet one child or ignores one more than the other. It’s not your role to time his interactions or shape his relationship with your kids.

I know this is easy to write and probably easy to spot, but extremely hard to change…

I want a fiercer more goal-oriented point-of-view from you. Maybe more mercenary…

Like in your post where he has the home valued at a peak and how that will impact your settlement…
Be more mercenary. It’s not the four walls and a roof that make a home, but the care and loving inside the walls. If he thinks he can get a gazillion for the house then put it on market. Remember you then get half a gazillion… Put the onus of removing the family home from the kids on him, rather than the responsibility of retaining the family home on you.
Don’t forget that IF the home were to sell at a lesser price you can always step in, but with an established market price.

I’m going to encourage you to look at this whole scenario as a task that you can control and manage. The speed, decisions and outcome are not one-sided and controlled by him.

Regarding the in-laws and the OW… IMHO more-or-less inevitable. I think you need to accept it and establish a new relationship with your in-laws. It can definitely be a friendly and even a loving one, but don’t expect to be invited for Thanksgiving along with your ex and his new bride.

The thing is, they live 7 hours away. They have come to visit since he cheated and left and have always stayed here. Have been supportive have expressed their anger and disappointment in him. They chose to spend Christmas with the kids and I. His brother and sister ( who also live at a distance) have not seen him other than a hello. They come and visit the kids and I. His sister just invited us to their house for thanksgiving and for a week next summer. Etc etc…. We have always been a very close family. Kids would be utterly devastated losing them too. One of them even told his theory that his biggest fear now was that he would lose them too….
It makes detaching almost impossible.
He is playing victim with his parents though. Saying I don’t encourage the kids to see him. That I am bitter and angry. Angry that I don’t meet him at the door when he picks up the youngest. Angry that I don’t respond to all of his texts.
I don’t. I don’t bring my 9 yr old to the door. I don’t acknowledge his texts suggesting what I should or should not be doing. Etc etc….
It just pisses me off that they don’t see through his bullshit!

Detach detach detach!

You don’t encourage the kids to see me!

Not my job. It’s your role as a father to ensure the kids want to see you. I’m not doing anything to prevent that happening, but I have no role in making them go.
And then ignore him.

So…in laws are here for a visit. We are camping with them on the weekend while asshole WH takes his OW on a weekend wine tasting trip….
I don’t get much time alone to chat with in laws so tonight I sent an email…weird when they are in the same house but only way I could "speak" without the kiddos hearing. I want them to be able to maintain their relationship with their grand parents. They have been a huge part of their lives.

I felt I needed to explain to them that the trauma of their sons betrayal resurfaced when I back handed ly found out about them agreeing to meet OW when they had promised me they never would. I felt hurt and disrespected. I told them it would have hurt to hear their plans but it would have hurt less knowing the truth.

WH is playing victim with them and they are believing him! Infuriating!

Anyway. That’s the update. Hoping our week together will go okay. I’m pushing through for my kids.