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Has anyone else had the experience of family traditions each year (ski trip, vacation home, etc.) where the WH continues doing those things with your children, but you are cut out?

I am in a no fault state. There is a large income difference. Nothing will change with his lifestyle, but mine will significantly change. My girls will go on living that life with him & likely the OW.

How do I survive this? Is there anything that can make this better? I do not want to miss out on the experiences & memories with my girls, but he gets to decide this for me. It is so painful.

There is a large income difference. Nothing will change with his lifestyle, but mine will significantly change.

I would say if that's what you're expecting, you need a much better attorney. Yeah, lifestyles change in divorce. But your STBX doesn't just get to skip out with everything and leave you in a lifestyle which is much less than that to which you've become accustomed and keep said lifestyle for himself. Fault or no fault, that's just not what typically happens. Consider interviewing a few more attorneys.

Wait, how does he get to decide for you? Have you talked with some attorneys? Is that what they told you?

You need someone who will represent you.

How do I survive this? Is there anything that can make this better? I do not want to miss out on the experiences & memories with my girls, but he gets to decide this for me. It is so painful.

Financially speaking: As the others have said, your lifestyle should not change substantially while his stays the same. That's the purpose of alimony and/or child support. To give you an idea, my ex (in theory) is currently receiving 54% of our combined income, after you adjust for taxes and for child support/alimony (that ruling is being appealed, but she should maintain a similar lifestyle for the foreseeable future).

Emotionally speaking: I deal with this stuff by wanting my kids to have a wonderful life, which includes a wonderful life with their other parent. I really focus on my love of my children rather than whatever feelings that I have about my ex wife.

I understand what you mean. When I got divorced we had been married for only 9 years. Since it was less than 10 years there was no spousal support and I live in a no fault state. I was a SAHM at the time so the first job I got was 5x’s less than his income. He was making 6 figures. Also, in my state, the max child support is 20% total of his income.

My kids have gone on a lot of trips…. Skiing, the beach, etc. with my exwh and his wifetress ( who also makes 6 figures) so I understand what you are talking about. You don’t have to take your kids on expensive trips. What they will remember the most is the time spent with you. You can find things to do and places to go that are free or inexpensive. I have gone camping with my kids, take walking trips thru the woods, etc. ((homieaintright))

Yes, Courageous. This is exactly what I am talking about - WH replaced me with OW who will now be stepping into & living life with my daughters & WH - doing all of the things that we did as a family.

Since OW is WH’s employee, he had control of her salary - like giving yourself a raise. I will be on my own with significantly less salary. However, his combined income will not be changing much from our combined.

I guess that is life. It feels as though there is no justice, but I guess dignity & respect outweigh any monetary reward, lifestyle, vacation home, or fancy trip.

As you state, Barcher, I should focus on my girls having a wonderful life. If I can focus on their happiness & the love I have for them, then this won’t completely destroy me.

The ow will never be able to replace you. You will always be their mom. My exwh has been married to wifetress for over 8 years. I know that my daughter has spent a lot of time with wifetress but she prefers to be with me.

It will get better.

Courageous, that is horrifying to me. The OW is closer in age to our youngest daughter than she is to WH. The high school babysitter that stayed with our older daughter years ago while I gave birth to our youngest is older than this OW.

It helps to know that there are others out there that live through & survive these situations. I’m so sorry that wifetress is also part of your story. I would not wish this on anyone.

I know that I will always be mom. But now I will be part-time mom instead of every day mom - chosen for me by WH.

From what I’ve seen in SI over the years, many WS are selfish and good parents for only as long as they are trying to impress someone (like their OW). That’s how my xh was. As soon as he would rather b with the OW on their trips -alone- they basically dumped our children. (He tried to blame it in me for a while bc I wouldn’t let them get the kids on my weekends or during my summer break weeks... But the truth was they were getting alot of time with our kids and then told the kids I was too busy for them!!! So I had to start putting boundaries down so I wouldn’t lose my children to my xwh’s thought processes).

Anywsy, it was heartbreaking for my kids when their Dad stopped taking them anywhere, stopped coming to their events, etc. He and OW have a boat, big house, take trips but exclude my children.

Just be there for your kids and really use the time they are with their Dad to work a pt job to get $$ together to do fun stuff with them. Even a drive to a nearby town for go cart rides can be fun!

Homie- Your daughters will love the time they spend with you. Its just time spent, not always what is being done. Yes, fun vacations, trips are exciting, but they are infrequent. The bulk of the time is normal day stuff, like helping with homework, helping with school projects or just volunteering at their school. If your daughters are young, maybe try Girl Scouts and be a troop leader with them. That will be your own thing separate from WH.

My experience is that if you have a great relationship with your kids, and you continue to work at it, you will not be replaced. Period. So I wouldn't worry about that. Build your own memories and your own traditions. Cost is not the issue, its about the tradition and memories.

Lastly, keep it upbeat for your kids. Just know that, this is a horrible experience for them. Yes, it was something that your WH did, he may have chosen this for your family, BUT NOT your kids who also has to deal with this. So make sure you talk to them, but let them know that they should not feel guilt enjoying time with their dad doing those fun things. They didn't want this either. You want them to be happy and to grow up to be healthy adults. So keep the bitterness and your pain with the work you're doing with IC. Yes, its not fair and it sucks for you, but it sucks just as much for them.

I wanted to add that on Sunday nights when my kids came gone from Dads they were extremely grouchy. I thought they hated me. Come to find out they could only process their thoughts and feelings when they got home. They mainly felt that their lives were spinning out of control and that it was so f****d up seeing their Dad with someone else. So just be low key when they get home.

When we first split my friend told me something that has helped (somewhat...as it is a bitter pill to swallow). Your kids are a part of you and your ex. They struggle with being torn between wanting to be with their father and their mother. They would prefer to be with both of their parents but know they can't have that. They feel guilty about being happy when they are with the other parent. As disgusting and horrible it is to fathom, as a mom you really want the OW to like your kids and treat them well. You really don't want you kids to be abused or mistreated.
I have to remind myself that it is what is best for the kids.

The OW is closer in age to our youngest daughter than she is to WH. The high school babysitter that stayed with our older daughter years ago while I gave birth to our youngest is older than this OW.

that is just

I'm really sorry you are having to go thru that.

Based on this post and your thread in JFO you really need to talk to an attorney…
In nearly every state the marital assets (property, wages, savings, possessions (like companies) are divided in an equitable manner. You talk about OW being an employee so I guess your husband owns a company. Well… technically it’s half yours…
You also mention having daughters close to OW in age so I’m assuming a +10 year marriage. Well… one major reason your husband has a successful company, could work long hours and his income is higher than yours is because you were at home with the kids… Like I said: It’s YOUR company. YOUR income. The checking account making the deposits isn’t the issue.

Yes – there will be a change in lifestyle, but not the big one you foresee. It’s not you on your income supplemented with some child support. I wouldn’t be surprised to see you in a debt-free house and your husband making regular spousal support.

Marriage splits the family partnership 50/50. Any less, you need a better attorney. This was a PARTNERSHIP with ongoing expenses going forward. His income and yours will be combined, along with all assets, and then split equally between himself and you, to equally support the children as well. He will be experiencing a life-style change, and you will also, but equally.

As far as the vacations, you will adjust. I remember that sick gut feeling the first time that happened, and I know it is hard to fathom at first. You will come to love that they are experiencing something cool, and you can do something special on your own, or enjoy the freedom of a quiet home while they are away.

You can make other special memories with them where you don't have to appease the cheater in the room at the same time. Do something THEY want perhaps. Some odd-ball place they would like. Cheater probably doesn't think this way so that would be your special thing, in addition to your day to day dedication and living the honest life.

Take care.

(((HomieAintRight))) you will survive this. I didn't think I would survive it either when I left my XWS. There is also an income disparity with our situation, but my peace of mind is worth the pain of leaving and everything that comes with S/D.

My X does extravagant things and buys the kids extravagant gifts. Gifts I could not afford. At times I have felt very depressed about this, but then I realize that I am the person they come to when they have a problem. I am the stable parent. You will make new memories with your kids and you don't need to make a lot of money to do that. I have gone on hikes and to parks and beaches. You will have your own holidays with the kids and they will be just as special.

What does your attorney say about the income inequity (or maintenance/spousal support) in your state?

I have been told by my attorney that everything is straight forward- formula driven. The no fault state defaults to 50/50 custody and 50/50 assets.

Since I have my own career, I will likely not receive any alimony (per the attorney). I was told that it is relative to what the judge makes & not the lifestyle we were accustomed to. This seems odd to me, but is what I was told. Also, any decisions made during the marriage were joint decisions - so if my career came second, too bad - joint decision.

I have been, and fully expect to continue to be, the person who purchases everything for our daughters. This includes clothing, food, personal care items, fees for sports, gifts for coaches, supplies for school projects, gifts for birthday parties they attend, field trip fees, camp fees. Pretty much everything. I understand the view regarding gross / net income and wanting to only ‘give the spouse’ a certain %, however it is not that simple or clean to determine who is actually covering the children’s expenses. Large purchases are ahead - cars, college, weddings.

Was anyone else in a similar situation? Do you pay by % of income on large items? How was this handled?

Survived the first family trip - sans mom. It went exactly as I anticipated it would go. Of the 3 days on the mountain, the girls were lost at some point on two of those days. Other mothers were skiing with my daughters - strangers. One mother had to take my youngest daughter to ski patrol after she was found crying alone on the mountain for 20 minutes - lost.

The only thing I can say is that I am thankful the girls are as old as they are. Their father always went off by himself - so I expect nothing to change.

This is our new reality. The girls get to see his selfishness on full display for themselves. It is unsettling for me to be unable to care for my children & to have to send them with him. And soon ... he will be taking them out of the country without me. Can’t wait.

[This message edited by HomieAintRight at 7:20 PM, Wednesday, March 30th]

How disturbing.

Your daughters need a plan. No matter where they go with him. They need some plan if /when they get separated from him.

They need find my friends app or some tracking app with their dad.

I’d be a wreck if they are going out if the country snd he’s irresponsible like that.

Excellent idea. I will bring this up during mediation & come up with a plan for them.