SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is it with me 14 years...14 damn years I can't do it I don't know why the hell I keep cheating..I have cannot stop I always find a way to cheat..I want a wife I want my family but somthing is wrong I cannot stop..I do love my wife.but I don't think I am In love with her...I have so many mixed emotions I don't know what to do to help her out..I am start IC this week.
My wife had caught me everytime..I have to see it in her eye everytime I look at her..she is ready for a divorce here and now...I fight to stay together why..am I scared of loosing my house my family...I have so many emotions going through my head I cannot control myself..I need some help as to what I can do to try and prove that I can change but let's face it..14 years somthing is seriously wrong with me

You just laid out that you can't stop cheating and you want to keep being married. Those things don't exist in the same world unless you just don't mind causing your wife pain and putting her under so much stress that it will shorten her life. If you have a shred of care for her, you'd make a divorce really easy on her and be extremely kind on the way out the door. Then you would work on yourself for a good long while to become a more empathetic person. There are plenty of people in this world who want an open relationship, but even in those you can't "cheat". That also requires honesty and communication. You have the option of having casual sex with people without romantic ties for the rest of your life without hurting another person. That is an option open to you. But doing it while married knowing that it causes your wife pain? No. That's not an option.

I want a wife I want my family

A wife, or your wife?

Is your wife included in your family? Why do you list them separately?

You CAN stop if you want to, but you choose to continue to cheat. What have you done to put her first? What are you doing to show her respect after the 14 years f disrespect you've put her through? You say she wants a divorce, so do you have enough respect to honor that wish?

Lostgirl410
As she says I have already lost her..she has put together a few things that she wants from me to help her out
She wants a time line written out of all affairs..she also wants a prenuptial written out by a lawyer giving me 6 months to try and change myself with IC..she also wants no contact with affair person at work and to be notified right away if communication has happened..also to act like we are separated in this house minimum communication me sleeping on couch and a week away from house. She says doing that will help her and that's what I am doing

How come we only hear from you during an emergency? Part of doing the work is becoming more comfortable with being vulnerable and honest with yourself. Doing that on an anonymous chat board is a very shallow entry point in that kind of work. At the very least, learning to be honest with yourself in front of a pack of strangers you will very likely not know if you passed them on the street is the easiest way to begin the work.

So, since this is a repeat pattern in your life, what do you think pursuing other women will do for you? What are you really looking for in all these pursuits?

Insanity is doing the same thing on repeat and expecting a dofferent result. This is your life, not groundhogs day. Theres no do over.

So, what do you really want? And dont say the love of your wife. If you had deeply wanted that, we would all be having a very different conversation right now.

What is it? Are you looking for their validation? The thrill of adrenaline and the dopamine high? Why? What do you lack inside where you cant give that to yourself? Truly, it has nothing to do personally with the women you pick, even your wife. If it was at all personally about your wife, this would have stopped DDay1.

This is about you. What are you hoping to gain in these affairs? Do you even know? Wife aside, the rationalizations of, "I dont get XYZ from her" are bullshit. What do YOU want, why are these affairs such an ingrained part of your personality?

BrokenHeart911

You have to acknowledge at this point that there is something wrong with you. I don't mean that as an insult at all, I mean it in a "please keep seeing that IC until you are in a better place" sort of way. You are simply not safe (emotionally) for your wife to be around right now. You haven't posted much so I don't know much about you, but considering that you've been cheating over the course of a great many years, I am going to assume that you are resistant to change, or perhaps have some doubts when it comes to therapy. Please realize that either/both of these things are excuses, born from a fear of having to confront something ugly. Trauma most likely, at its core. But you may want to start with how you feel about yourself. What hole in your soul are you trying to fill? Do you WANT to be a liar? A cheater? If not, then please... really ask yourself why you do those things then? This isn't about sex. And it's not about your marriage. Neither of those things can take your own dignity from you. Only you can decide what kind of person you are going to be. If you are lying, hiding and cheating, then you can't be very proud of the person you are. Do you feel that's all you deserve? If you have to face your fears and conquer them, does that make you feel that you'll somehow miss part of yourself? That part of you that hurts. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, this needs to take priority in your life, because it will affect every relationship you have moving forward. Your wife, your kids, future dates, jobs, community, and more than anything... yourself.

What you've been doing hasn't been working, and a lot of people keep getting hurt by you. So stop it. Now.

You don't have to be a bad person, and facing and letting go of trauma won't take "you" away, in fact, it will allow the real you to shine. Set your sights on being the most stand-up, trustworthy and caring person you can be. Be a beacon of light, be someone others admire for owning up to your failures and then doing everything in your power to be a better person. And if you learn to regain your self-respect back, then you will never again need to feel unworthy of being a better person, you will love yourself just as you are. People who love themselves never cheat, never lie, never have secrets, because they make sure that they have healthy boundaries in place that keep them from ever having to do those things. They respect themselves too much.

One last tip. When you go to see the IC, tell them your story, but make sure they understand that you need to focus on YOU and what it is about you that prompts you to do the wrong things. In other words, don't get caught up in trying to save the marriage, etc. Fix yourself first, because that's what's needed in order to have healthier relationships moving forward.

I wish you luck. It's good you gave her what she asked for. She gave you a gift, a real gift, of giving you six months to work on yourself before final decisions are made. Use it! Show her that you are serious as hell. Do things you haven't been willing to do, or commit to, before, in terms of getting mentally healthy. Make the effort, and just make a deal with yourself to be open-minded, and willing to look at some parts of yourself that will be ugly to confront and deal with. It's worth it, I promise.

Posting with my WW/OW hat on.

Echoing what previous posters have said. I’ve been here as long as your W has. JM and I have offered multiple times to be available to you and walk alongside you. You’ve never followed up.

I’m going to suggest something to you. You are not some broken beyond repair monster with no hope. You are selfish and have chosen over and over to indulge your own immediate desires. But make no mistake. You’ve chosen that. Every time. You weren’t driving along in your van, hit a pothole and fell into a vagina. You made choices along the way that led to your final destination.

You want to stop lying? Tell the truth. You want to stop hurting your wife? STOP HURTING HER. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain. It really is that simple. Your M may have no hope. That’s the truth. But you still have to live the rest of your life with YOU.

I see so much of me in your posts. I have cheated on my BS multiple times, I have lied, TT, got defensive and angry. While I’m trying to do the work on myself to make me safe and to make my BS safe in her relationship with me, I continue to make mistakes or say something without giving enough thought. I have not had an affair since 2017, but I have subjected my BS to multiple d-days and endless pain with my lies and defensiveness.

You need to stop being wayward, we both do. It does require a lot of work. You cannot half arse it. Trust me on that. Do EVERYTHING she asks of you (again easy to say while sat at a keyboard). It is hard, and it will require you feeling lower than you probably ever have in your life. This has been exhausting and driven me into depression. Everyday life is going to be awful, you’ll feel like shit, you’ll get annoyed because your BS shows anger at you, you’ll then feel shame for both your infidelity and the way you’re acting now. This shame spiral is vet difficult to get out of and even more difficult to not get sucked in again. This is where I am now. I’m not being unfaithful, but I’m still wayward. There are people on her to help you and I. This leads me onto something mentioned above…."you only come on here in an emergency"…wow that hit home, I’m guilty of that too. Days when I’m feeling ok, I barely look at the site. Then I’m back….there are a few posters on here who have reached out to me, on in particular who I’m in contact with outside this forum. They will not give you answers, but will help. Use the help as you see fit, but do the work and stop doing what you’re doing.

Hope this makes sense

MIgander
Because I am just not open to using this site. I am not really open to sharing my feelings.i honestly think it was just the high of sneeking around the rush of the feeling that's why I did the affairs..what I want now is to prove that I can change that I can be the man she needs and deserves..honestly I don't even know what I want from the affairs..I would not wanna leave my wife for these other people. So honestly I can even answer that question.

Bulcy

Thank you it is nice to hear about someone who was in my situation.

HFSSC

I dont wanna cause pain to her really I don't.. I just seem to not have the block that some people have to say hell no...I am not saying that I don't think of my wife during the affair the thought of her and what this is going to do to me always runs through my head..for some reason the affair outweighed the consequences for some stupid reason that I don't know..

Because I am just not open to using this site. I am not really open to sharing my feelings.

Yet you are using it. Not in a helpful way. You use this site as a way to pacify your wife. You use it to manipulate her. You post just enough for her to feel like maybe you are interested in change, but don’t do the hard work that you could benefit from from by using it in a healthy way.

She wants a time line written out of all affairs..she also wants a prenuptial written out by a lawyer giving me 6 months to try and change myself with IC..she also wants no contact with affair person at work and to be notified right away if communication has happened..also to act like we are separated in this house minimum communication me sleeping on couch and a week away from house. She says doing that will help her and that's what I am doing

What is your plan?

You don’t like talking about your feelings and you can’t seem to stop cheating because you enjoy the thrill of the chase. 6 months time is pretty short in the grand scheme of things. I imagine you can keep things together that long so that she can feel "comfortable" again, but then what? One year, maybe two down the road, what happens? You 2 have had 14 years of wash, rinse, repeat.

It’s unfair to her, it’s unfair to your children.

If you want some help to try to prove that you can change, start making an action plan on how to do just that and then follow through with it.

You have some of the best resources right here at your fingertips. Unfortunately, those resources have been jaded by your cries for help (I’m thinking of the story Little Boy Blue). People will be more willing to help you if you show a willingness to listen and apply that knowledge for real change.

for some reason the affair outweighed the consequences for some stupid reason that I don't know..

The consequences have been minimal. Plain and simple. You wait her out and then get back to your "normal".

WalkinOnEggshelz
Yes my wife and I have both come to terms that we know I am only doing enough to pasify her...I am just not a talker
She has laid out what she wants and expects from me.

Email below:

I need the following to NOT file for divorce right now. It's your choice whether you do them.

*continue with therapy for as long as it takes.

* agree to fnd and set up polygraph.

*Get a Post Nup written up by a lawyer.
- you will have 6 months total to make real changes. After that's up if you haven't Divorce goes forward and you do not fight me.

Full written timelines of ALL affairs. Every detail you can remember. Emails used, names of exactly who you had affairs with, anything and everything you did to bettay me. I want it ALL.

Minimum one week away no contact unless emergency stuff. You can talk to the kids if you want. Messenger with Mandi, we can work out details of times and stuff if you want.

Once you return to the house you stay on the sofa. As it stands this is an in house separation.

Usually it's recommended the Cheater finds a new job but I won't ask that. I will demand NO contact with her and IF there is you will immediately tell me.

I would have asked that you post to SI but I think they will crucify you there. If you want to so that on your own expect 2×4's. Also expect that if you are genuinely ready to fix your shit they WILL BACK YOU 100%. They will support you. But again that's your choice to make yourself available and vulnerable to strangers who have been exactly where you are now.

Stop telling me you will change and we will be ok. It's just words. I need actions.

By the way my plan is too follow her plan.

It’s a pretty big list of things you need to do, but none of them require any real change on your part other than some honesty about the past.

I’ll be curious to see what happens after that list has been completed. That’s where real change comes and she will not be able to give you a list to make that happen.

WalkinOnEggshelz
I have already gone and made an appointment with a IC I did that on my own without her asking me too. It begins this week

Time line was written with names and activities with affairs partners and emailed to her..

As for the prenup been looked in cost and place to go..
Also the polygraph looked in cost and location can be done..

I’m curious, what’s different this time? Why do you want this marriage? By your actions, it’s clear that you don’t want it in any meaningful way. I’m guessing that you’re only motivated at this moment because of the disruption a D would cause to your lifestyle.

If you really want to prove yourself, give your wife a favorable divorce. Then if you manage to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat and do change, that would be a good indicator of your sincerity.

ff4152
Yes I agree with you a D would drastically change my lifestyle I believe this separation we are going through now has open my eyes and mind a little now about what we have and what we will loose.
We are separated apart now..I am taking steps laid out by her now..

WS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:04 PM, Sunday, March 13th]