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It’s been a while since I posted on SI. I am divorcing. It has been 5.5 years since his affair. I have spent the majority of this time I therapy. He has spent 0 other than 3-4 sessions of marriage counseling.

His behavior has continued to get more volatile.

I want to keep this as concise as possible. I have done an excellent job of covering, soothing, hiding what happens in my home.

My question is Do you have any experience with listing physical abuse, verbal abuse towards spouse and children in petition? I have one picture of a bruise. Physical abuse is not often perhaps 4-6 times in the course of the marriage. He has been physical with my teen children since November. His behavior is amping up.

I told him I am filing for divorce. I practiced with My therapist for weeks. It went rather smoothly. He has (for him) been okay. He is purchasing a house can’t move into it until mid May.

I live in a state with long term separation required by law.

I have spent twenty years smoothing things over. Pretending, and hiding the truth from myself and others. Currently, I have an amazing support system.

Abuse is my word against his. I have never left or reported. And no one cares about verbal abuse which is way worse.

I felt in my situation life with him having the kids 50/50 would have been worse. Kids are all teens. As of right now he wants nothing to do with kids. Nothing. "I am their mother and an excellent mother".

I know he is a rubber band and he will snap. I truly thought he would cause me physical harm when I told him about coming divorce. He is calm and pointing out how easy he is to do with accounts not drained, peaceful, amicable.

I know if that petition has abuse listed. All the peace goes away. Remember it’s a year separation. I am extremely nervous and do not know what to do. Friends and family say it must be listed. He is master manipulator. No one things he can keep up this peacefulness. (Sprinkled in with his crazy/verbal abuse.

He is a rubber band and he will snap as always.

I think this is a question for a lawyer. And ask if in your state you can record someone without their knowledge. (One party vs Two party).
Security cameras, VARs, that type of thing can be helpful in documenting abuse. Maybe statements from the kids or their ICs?

I am glad you are getting out of this abusive M. You are strong.

Hi, I'm an attorney in a different state, so this is not legal advice. However I do practice family law and I believe there are probably ways to protect you that you do not know about yet. (Could be an order to make your spouse move out, a restraining order, etc.) CONSULT A LAWYER. Ask the lawyer to help you make a plan to protect yourself and your kids. You may also be able to find help through the local court system or there may be a non-profit organization near you to help you plan around the abuse situation (google for "leaving my abuser" or "domestic violence shelter" and see what pops up locally). You are NOT alone in this, but also the advice of your friends and family may not be advice that will work for your situation.

Thank you. I do have an attorney. My petition is written. I need to sign it. Attorney wants to leave in abuse issues. I will consult with him as to why. I have no proof other than my word. My kids would need to collaborate to prove as well.

Thank you. I do have an attorney. My petition is written. I need to sign it. Attorney wants to leave in abuse issues. I will consult with him as to why. I have no proof other than my word. My kids would need to collaborate to prove as well.

Your attorney probably has a solid legal reason for including the abuse narrative in your petition. If you don't know it or understand it already, it is good to ask. Sometimes the reasoning doesn't make sense unless you know how the legal system works, but trust your attorney to know. Also, as a point of clarification, "your word" is what we call "testimony," and testimony IS evidence. Your word is evidence; and older teenagers may also be able to testify as evidence, if required.

Wow. I never realized you had been dealing with that kind of abuse.
I'm so happy for you that you're strong now and doing what you feel you need to do.

Not sure what to tell you about your attorney's advice. If you really feel like it's going to cause more problems though, I'd say advocate for yourself like you would with your doctor. Yeah, s/he's got the degree, but yours are the boots on the ground, right?

((big hugs))

By all means follow your attorneys advice.

Initially I was going to ask you why you wanted to enter the abuse claims. If they had any relevance as to the divorce. False abuse claims are a dime-a-dozen, so entering unsubstantiated abuse claims can (at best) not have any impact or (at worst) have negative impact if deemed false.
However… if your attorney suggests this then DO IT.

I would also ask your attorney on how you can create an official trail of abuse.
As a cop we often got phone-calls where we were asked to note in the daily journal that Mrs. Smith had phoned and asked that we write that her husband Mr. Smith had threatened to hit her / had hit her. The reason for this was to create a semi-official trail showing that Mrs. Smith felt threatened in x times over the last xx months. Didn’t prove anything, but could support an abuse claim if included with other evidence.

Based on what you share about his actions then prepare for a long and drawn out divorce. Make sure that everything done is in accordance to the law. For example: if he’s getting another house make sure marital assets are protected and that he’s not using funds you are entitled to for financing it.

I understand the reasoning behind including it in the petition. I was able to get a good answer from my attorney’s office.

Bigger, yes I absolutely understand how many people claim it. I have zero reports. He was not beating the "snot" out of me. It was accidental pushing, one hit. And once pushing on my eye hard enough to leave a bruise. Along with trying to suffocate me one time. Each of those instances were "my fault". Because I just had to run my mouth. So I turned to therapy pre affair to learn to control my mouth and do a better job at being a good wife. Then he had an affair. I entered more therapy. Had a therapist for a while who was amazing. Stopped seeing her and went back this summer. She advised me to just be quiet. Let him speak, rant, rage, keep myself very calm. No circular conversations, no detailing opportunities, just quiet. So I did. I realized it was not me. And I do not need to endure a personality disordered spouse. Once I started to be quiet. He began getting aggressive with the kids. He wants the angst, arguing, fighting. He thrives on it.

He warned me this morning after laughing sinisterly three times. That I have unleashed him. He is now my enemy and I will pay for wanting a divorce. He will spend every dollar he has to fight me.

In that case, I think you'd do well to call the domestic abuse hotline and get some real help. You've been around long enough to know about VARs and all that, but yeah.. I'd have ring cams on the doors and nanny cams in every room. Build your support network so that you've got people helping you IRL. You're so smart, much smarter than he is. Use what you know.

((hugs))

Thank you CT

He is very good at what he does. After his threats yesterday and today. He texted me. "Sleep well"

Looks friendly. But doesn’t coincide with all he said today.

Appears very passive aggressive, and intended in a threatening and bullying way.

Protect yourself by all means. Listen to your attorneys. Strength to you. He wants to get in your head and have you living in fear for daring to D him. Don’t accommodate him. Good luck.

I was concerned about my post being misunderstood. I am not suggesting you made false claims, but rather the court is weary of false claims. I have a background of dealing with domestic abuse. Its probably dated, but I think the main basics still apply…

What you describe is abuse. Plain and simple. The chocking is especially worrying since that tends to be an escalation signal in abuse.
I STRONGLY STRONGLY STRONGLY suggest you do all you can to expedite the divorce.

Some of the most dangerous times in a violent relationship is when the abuser is losing control. That is when the abuse tends to escalate, and it can quickly escalate to a very serious stage. Please take this seriously: Your husband doesn’t have to escalate step-by-step as in shoving to slapping, slapping to punching and then punching to stabbing. He can go directly from A to Z if he thinks he’s losing control. I hate being melodramatic, but this is where statistically the most serious instances take place.

My suggestions would be:
I have done an excellent job of covering, soothing, hiding what happens in my home.
This stops NOW. Gather anyone and everyone that might have had a clue on what was going on. You want a list of people that can corroborate that your husband has violent tendencies.

Initiate the divorce ASAP.
Many seem to think that living under the same roof is necessary during D. Not so. A judge can decide that one spouse has residence. That gives you the right to deny him entry and/or change the locks. Doesn’t affect his accountability to pay his share or his rights to the financial assets of the home in the divorce process but creates a safe haven for you.
Ask your attorney about this and how to get your and your kids OR your husband out of the same residence.

Contact a domestic abuse hotline, share your story, and ask for advice. They have people that have seen it all and worn out the t-shirt. They are a wonderful source for advice on process, helpful resources, how to report violence and so on. For a couple of years, I volunteered in a first-reaction team for a local shelter. Basically, if a woman felt threatened, she could phone a number and a volunteer would be on-site within 10-20 minutes. Generally, a lot quicker than the police could. The only thing I would do more-or-less was be outside the door so the man (it was always a man beating a woman) would restrain himself. Once I offered the abused woman a seat in my car, but it was basically keeping things calm until the police would show up.

Anybody near-by that can help you? Can you talk to a neighbor and ask them to step in if you call for help? Or do you have a friend you can call and can be there quickly?

The sooner you get the process off to a good start the sooner you have legal tools to keep him distant. The sooner you have those in place the sooner you can call the cops and have him removed before he causes damage.
The sooner you have these restrictions in place the sooner he can start disrespecting them, possibly/probably helping you in the divorce process.

I lived with a father like that.

Something you may not have considered. Don't eat anything that you haven't opened,and cooked yourself. Don't allow the kids to do so either. No gallon of milk,no leftovers,nothing. I say this because my stepfather tried to poison all of us.

Suffocating someone is,IMO, attempted murder. I don't know where it falls,legally. But,the point of suffocation is to cut off someone's ability to breath. If you can't breath,you die.

He sounds like an extremely dangerous man.

Can you get the kids out of there,until he is gone?

Thank you to each of your for your insight. I debated on posting this to SI at all. I am glad I did because it’s a good reminder for me in that I am so used to living this way.

There have been so many odd/ strange interactions over the years with him. Many of which I dismissed because "I sounded petty". IE when my third child was a newborn, we ordered pizza. He would not answer the door because he didn’t have shoes on. I was breastfeeding the baby, had to stop to answer the door. At the time I thought this is so weird. But maybe I am making a big deal of this. He got so irate because I dared to suggest he answer the door without him wearing shoes.

My mother is currently battling cancer. He has decided to not speak to my parents during her cancer battle because they are so mean to him. (His words. So mean to him)

Throughout the marriage he has made implications to me that I am cheating. IE every single week when I change the sheets- "who has been in this bed". Plus other things. I am pretty positive he has cheated 2-3 other times based on when this accusatory behavior starts. He started doing this in September again and I found text messages of the ego kibble nature between him and another woman. Nothing sexual. I didn’t even bring it up. I have enough history with husband to know how excellent he is at twisting and making me seem unreasonable. I could picture his exact script.

A few years ago, I was apart of a group and one of the ladies husband did some sort of physical aggression toward their home. I actually said oh it’s not a big deal. He will calm down eventually. I had and am so tolerant of abuse. I am changing this now.

Even reading suffocating is attempted murder—I think he didn’t mean it. It’s like I cannot believe the worst. Isn’t that sad? He was so sorry the next day. And of course "if only you hadn’t run your mouth" "when you get like that…Glasses, there is no way to control you".

Bigger, I have started telling the truth. My parents know, two neighbors know (one he got into an altercation with…so they believe me). My friends know. My friends started to see the verbal abuse He decides which people he can act abusive in front of. Frankly, I think he believed they would want to drop me if he acted like an a s s in front of them. And now we have lived here all most 5 years. Longest anywhere.

I cannot force him out of the house. It’s coming. My middle child thinks Dad will not do anything serious. He hasn’t seen physical abuse. My oldest has.

One of the reasons I never left early is custody is 50/50 and there was no way I would let that happen. My kids are older now.

I truly do not know what the future holds. I just know I am getting out. I am showing my kids OUT.

I also truly feel no one can help us. If he goes crazy. I cannot get the police here quick enough. I am very little. He outweighs me by almost 200 lbs. I know nothing about weapons. He has lots of weapons. I cannot help us.

First, as others have suggested, you really need to trust and to depend on your attorney. If you don't... then you need to get a new attorney, one that you can depend on and trust. It's just that simple.

Second:

Abuse is my word against his. I have never left or reported. And no one cares about verbal abuse which is way worse.

My ex made up a bunch of physical abuse lies against me and the judge believed her. As in, we responded to her claims with a police report that explicitly stated that there was no physical assault and the judge believed her over me and over the police report (i.e., third-party eye-witnesses who were at the scene). I think that most judge's will believe a woman who alleges abuse because they will look awful if they don't and the abuse continues and the victim ends up in the hospital or dead.

Also, the benefit to you for alleging abuse is not as "big" as you might think, at least in my locale. You can use it to get him out of the marital home and you can it to get a temporary ruling from the judge that might or might not be favorable to you. While that will get you to safe place in life, it shouldn't (in theory) affect the rest of your divorce (assuming that you live in a no-fault location).

Also... get yourself a camera and/or digital recorder so that you can get evidence of any additional abuse that is happening.

Finally, if child custody is going to be an issue, talk to your lawyer about that. If he is physically abusing the kids, then I can't see how that won't affect the custody decision.

If he gets physical with any of you before you can get him out, call 911. They will remove him from the house. They will also seize his weapons,until the court hearing,at the very least.

Barcher is right. Get cameras. Have them on in every room. Carry a var on you at ALL times. That way,if you do have to call the police, you will have proof, even if he didn't leave a mark.