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We are almost a month out from DDay and WS has been waffling back and forth the entire time. AP is an employee of his and they have continued contact throughout. He has been looking at apartments off and on throughout, but then surprised me a week and a half ago by saying he wanted to work on things and commit to trying to save the M. That was short-lived, and within 24 hours he admitted that he made the wrong decision and never should have told me he wanted to work on things. It has been rough here ever since...

This morning I received a text that WS signed a lease for an apartment in our town and moves in at the end of the month. He also mentioned custody arrangements for the kids, child support, etc. I am devastated. D is the last thing I want, and I am still very much in the stage of loving him and wanting to fight for my marriage. I am feeling so lost and hopeless as a result of this new development. Like it really is the end.

I have an appointment with an attorney next month (the earliest they could get me in) and am committed to protecting myself and my children. Financially I am not in a position to make it on my own. WS said he wants the process to be as amicable as possible due to coparenting. He states he is not in a hurry to D.

I guess I am just looking for advice/support from those who have been left by the WS. I do not want separation and it feels so violating to be stripped of choice.

The one you love is not here anymore. The man he is now is no longer the husband you knew. Keep repeating that to yourself until it sticks. Time to start protecting yourself emotionally as well.

Of course he's in no hurry to D. He's got two women vying for him. Remove yourself from this drama triangle. Talk to him about nothing except kids and the separation.

It absolutely sucks to be stripped of this choice. But what would be the alternative? Continuing to live with a man who's pining for someone else? Would you really be ok with that?

Hang in there. Don't make any decisions without having talked to an attorney.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 10:14 PM, Wednesday, April 13th]

It absolutely sucks to be stripped of this choice. But what would be the alternative? Continuing to live with a man who's pining for someone else? Would you really be ok with that?

Rationally, I know this. Part of me keeps telling myself that he is too deep in affair fog to understand the consequences of his actions right now. I keep thinking he is going to suddenly snap out of it and fight for us. Wishful and unrealistic thinking, I know...

I just started implementing the 180 within the past few days and am trying to stick to it. It's so hard. I've also been listening to Andrea Gile's Heal from Infidelity podcast. I know I need to work on pursuing my own healing. I'm feeling lost and without support as my "safe person" is no longer safe or even remotely concerned with how I think or feel about any of this.

SM321,
Ugh, I am so sorry.

Yes, the man you married has left, literally and figuratively. And it sucks.
But now you need to protect you and your kids.
Glad you are seeing the lawyer. Maybe try and see one or two more— and not the one he is seeing.
You need the one who will get everything you and the kids deserve.
Also, while you WH is in the "get along" mood, strike for all you can. Some get nasty later, so strike now.

This is the hardest part, but you have to think of it like a business decision— not personal. Don’t worry about him or his lifestyle. Worry about you and your kids. Gather all your financial documents— google what you need to know. Again, business decision.

And you do need someone in your corner. Who do you have IRL to talk to? IC? Pastor? BFF or sister or mom? It’s time to rally a support team.

You will get through this- it hurts like hell, I know. But you will. Sending strength…

Scaredmama

My xWH left for his AP and divorced me shortly after DDay.

It hurt like hell

We didn’t have a great marriage but nonetheless my heart broke into million pieces. I did the pick me dance, tried to reason with him, and acted as his emotional support buddy when things were rocky between him and AP. I was living on hope.

I was a total mess.

I truly felt I could forgive him and build a better marriage.

I am 8 months out from Dday and I see things more clearly

It still hurts that I was intentionally rejected, abandoned, and discarded after 25 years of marriage

However, I know that he’s not good for me

He’s not good because he didn’t value me enough to be faithful

He chose to cheat

Cheating requires planning, deliberate lying, putting the betrayed spouse’s health at risk, and loving someone else. There’s a lot of energy, love, affection, attention, and $ put toward an affair. That should have been put toward the spouse you!

You are only a month out so everything is so raw. You are probably not able to think clearly, let alone sleep, eat, take care of the kids.

Since he’s determined to leave, let him go

Let him live the life he thinks he wants to live

Don’t hold him back

If he’s meant to be with you, he will return with a truly contrite and remorseful heart

But for now, you need to take care of yourself and the kids

I know this is incredibly hard. You heart wants to hang on. You will cling onto every little nugget of hope he gives you. You will miss him like crazy. I’ve been there. It takes time for your brain to recover from the shock.

What helped me:

1. IC

2. Listing all the things he did that hurt me (lying, deceiving, treating me like I am a piece of trash, disrespecting me, holding another woman, sharing intimate moments with another woman, buying her gifts, telling her he loves her)

3. Listing his bad qualities as a human being (breaking up a family to have sex with another woman, leaving the kids, subjecting the kids to 50/50 share between mom and dad when they should have both parents under one roof, breaking the marriage vows)

4. Listing the FACTS (he left, he bought a new place to live with the AP, he travels with the AP to fancy resorts, he left the kids, he left me with financial burdens, he cheated)

5. Books - I did a lot of reading. These books were lifesavers for me.

Journey from Abandonment to Healing

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

Intimate Betrayal

Runaway Husbands

6. Going no contact-game changer. So so hard but it’s incredible how effective it is.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 4:14 AM, Thursday, April 14th]

I’m glad you got a lawyer. From now on, don’t engage in any conversations with your husband about financial settlements or custody arrangements. There are several reasons for this.

(1) You’re in pain and emotionally vulnerable; you’re not in the best frame of mind to be having these discussions. (2) You don’t know what your rights are or what you’re entitled to based on the laws of your state, so there is no point in entertaining hypotheticals at this point. (3) He could use your love for him, your desire to reconcile, and your concern for your children as a way of manipulating you into settling for less than what you’re entitled under the law.

When he brings the subject up, just politely shut the conversation. "I don’t feel comfortable talking about this before I speak to a lawyer" is fine. If you think that will inspire an argument or rebuttal than just say "I’m really hurt and I can’t talk about this now."

He cannot be trusted and he does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. To put this in perspective, imagine that he is Bernie Madoff and you’re an investor that he screwed out of your life savings. Now he wants negotiate a settlement with you. Do you agree to work with him based on the fact that, up until this point, you really liked the guy and he did make a lot of money for you in the past? Or do you treat him like the betrayer you know he is now and protect yourself?

I’m sorry. I really relate to this. My wife left me and moved in with her AP after twenty years. She said she was unhappy and saw this as justification for lying and signing a lease as well. I felt the same and knew we had fun together and kept hoping she would miss me the way I missed her. It never happened. She’s been gone since January and it it hurts a lot. I’ve received great advice here. I relate to your pain and missing my STBXW. I’m becoming numb lately. I agree that being strong for the kids is important. Unfortunately new and fresh seems to interest my ex more than what she and I had for twenty years. You probably shouldn’t wait and hope he will change his mind. I also relate to the more I tried to convince her, the more her ego was probably fed that two guys are showing interest. Sorry this is happening. It really hits home reading your thoughts. I’m learning to try to let go but believe me I know it’s easier said than done. I totally agree with Daily Gratitude saying it’s a choice to cheat and it requires planning. My ex has said numerous times it just happened and she didn’t think she’d date while we were in marriage counseling. He was a friend and it just happened. I told her no. You and the AP made it happen. You lied and cheated for months and continue to choose him every night since they live together. I hate when people remove blame from themselves. Again, I’m sorry you are going through this. It sucks I know. Good luck and take care.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 7:29 AM, Thursday, April 14th]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. How long ago did your STBXH hire the AP? This seems to have happened at lightning speed.

I am so sorry that you are here. You will get so much support from this site, I encourage you to keep posting as much as you like. Sometimes I use it as my journal.

You are only a month out from DDay, so of course things seem to be happening fast! You haven't even had enough time to fully comprehend what has happened to you, and yet he is appearing to be making decisions and moving forward. Don't necessarily be deceived by that though. He may be trying to look like he is ok, even happy with his choices, but it will catch up with him. If he is anything like my WH, he is trying to push his way forward while ignoring his emotions. It doesn't end well, those emotions don't go away just because he doesn't want to face them. In the meantime, you will be focusing on yourself and your healing and you will be in a much much better, healthier place.

Give yourself grace right now. Give yourself the patience and understanding that you would give your best friend in this situation (many times we are much nicer to our friends than ourselves). Don't expect yourself to be perfect or to be ok right now. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be angry. All of that is normal.

Take it one day at a time and keep posting here. There are many many people with so much experience and wisdom who will help you along the way. You can get through this!

I am so sorry this has happened to you. How long ago did your STBXH hire the AP? This seems to have happened at lightning speed.

It has been beyond fast. She interviewed at the end of February and started at the beginning of March. I was under the impression that she was gay as she had just moved back to the state after divorcing her wife. Turns out AP and WH went to high school together and even had a sexual history I didn’t know about when he hired her. I feel like he willingly played with fire and now I am the one getting burned.

Thank you all for your advice and comments. It’s so helpful to hear from others who have walked this road… I definitely will not be discussing custody or finances until speaking with a lawyer. And I’m saving all text messages etc. from WS.

I have located an IC specializing in trauma and infidelity and have my first session with her tomorrow. I’m nervous but hopeful that she will be a good resource for me. Thankfully, I also have a wonderful support system of family and friends, including many strong women who have walked this road and came out on the other side. They give me hope.

I keep trying to remind myself that the intensity of this pain will fade. That I won’t always feel this way.

He has been looking at apartments off and on throughout, but then surprised me a week and a half ago by saying he wanted to work on things and commit to trying to save the M. That was short-lived, and within 24 hours he admitted that he made the wrong decision and never should have told me he wanted to work on things. It has been rough here ever since...

I can remember my 1st WH doing this...and this happened almost 40 years ago. Hindsight is 20/20. I found out later that when my 1st WH would do this...it was when he and the adultery co-conspirator had been fighting. I didn't know it at the time though and would get HOPE that we would be able to work things out...only to have him then become very COLD to me...after THEY had their makeup sex I am sure .

I didn't have SI back in the 80's...or the internet even. I was a PRO at the "pick me dance" when I found out my 1st WH cheated on me the 1st time...and I WON...he came back to me. ONLY...I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator about 2 years and a baby later . Because the "pick me dance" worked before...I kept trying it. Even though we never lived together again...he would still come around...giving me HOPE...until he found a new "shiny". I was a very SLOW learner . My BEST advice to you is DON'T BE ME .

YOU Dear Lady...are a TREASURE . You may not feel like it right now with that pile of shit your WH has poured all over you and your life. The good thing about shit is...it can be cleaned up! It is MESSY right now for you...and it STINKS. I wish I could tell you that it will one day NOT stink...but I can't. The ONLY way to get RID of that smell is to clean it up and dispose of it. YOU CAN DO THIS...I PROMISE YOU !! You are doing really WELL right now by making the appointment with your attorney and committing to protecting yourself and your children .

I do not want separation and it feels so violating to be stripped of choice.

That is VERY violating . We don't always get what we WANT...but we ALWAYS get what we NEED . I HATED that my 1st H took my CHOICE away...at first. After a bit I was very THANKFUL that he left me the way he did when I caught him with the adultery co-conspirator . I HAD to find a way to take care of ME and our CHILD. I DID...and did it very well . THIS helped me to KNOW what to do when my 2nd H confessed to his A. There was NO WAY I was EVER going to put up with a cheater again. I KNEW I had the STRENGTH to fight...for ME . Once YOU realize this too...NO ONE will ever be able to make you NOT know your worth !!

Your WS thinks of you as a soft landing right now...his Plan B. He THINKS he can manipulate you into fawning all over him when the adultery co-conspirator doesn't. He needs his ego kibble FIX...and if the adultery co-conspirator won't give it to him...he knows you will. One day he will have a RUDE awakening Dear Lady . It might not be today...or tomorrow. You are hurt...and wounded. But you won't be that way forever. Believe it or not...you are getting STRONGER every day . When my 1st WH had HIS awakening...it was only THEN that he saw me as THE ONE . It was too little too late at that point for ME. I have NEVER regretted going for D with my 1st WH...or going for R with my 2nd WH . Here's to NO regrets for YOU !!!

You are hurt...and wounded. But you won't be that way forever. Believe it or not...you are getting STRONGER every day

THANK YOU for this reminder! Yesterday was a terrible day. Today is better. I feel a sense of calm and release that only came from emptying myself and allowing my feelings. Hopefully tomorrow and each day will be a little better.

Hugas(((((scaredmama)))). I was where you are now. I agree with what everyone has said here. Having no choice in ending a contract you both entered into is like having your entire sense of who you are ripped away from you. You will get through this because you have to. It will be hard at times and interesting at times, because you won't believe what you are capable of.

I was so scared. But today, I can't imagine my life being anything but what it turned out to be. I'm happy, self sufficient, and I retired today. I was well thought of in my community doing the job I did. So much so that the local newspaper is writing an article about me retiring. I would never have accomplished any of it if my WH had decided to stay.

The best thing that happens when you stop doing the pick me dance is that you become the best you can be for yourself, not someone else. Hang in there. It gets better.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

This separation will be better for you to heal. I'm waiting to move out and start no contact because I know it is the best way for me to heal.

From reading your story I wonder about some things. The way things happened so fast between your WH and the OW I wonder if he was already thinking about divorce and this woman is just a catalyst for what he already wanted. I don't know, I mey be totally wrong, but it's so absurd and stupid to act so impulsive like he did. I know some people are that dumb and stupid though.

I keep trying to remind myself that the intensity of this pain will fade. That I won’t always feel this way.

Indeed you won't. You are early in the process yet, and I remember those first few weeks/couple months were just a constant state of sad WTF. About 3 months in the rage arrived. While I hated feeling homicidally pissed off every second, I vastly preferred it to the sad - the anger was energizing and the sad just sapped everything out of me. Just buckle in - you're gonna be all over the place for a while and that's perfectly okay and normal. Try not to over-analyze your feelings too much, just feel them and let them pass.

And I know you won't feel this right this second, but IMHO him leaving is the best thing for you. Honestly - I did the 'try to save my M' for 9 looooong months after dday1 and if I had it to do over, I woulda kicked him out and changed the locks on day fuckin 1. With him leaving, the source of your pain will not be constantly THERE making you hurt more. It totally sucks, don't get me wrong, but just saying that I noticed a marked improvement in my mood and outlook after I separated from my xwh.

Hang in there - life does get so much better I promise.

I don't have much to add to the advice but just wanted to say I am so sorry this is happening to you:-(

Hang in there. Take care of yourself even at times you don't feel like it. Expect the journey to being well again to not be an even path. That is normal and it is still progress.

Tell him NOTHING. Nothing at all. Only logistics. Not your feelings, not your plans. He should have no idea you are thinking of divorce until it is happening. Quietly make sure you have some money isolated which you have access to that he does not.

He isn't just lying to and cheating on you. He is doing this to his family. I support the making the list suggestion. It's time to teach your deeper self the facts about what kind of a low-life person he is by doing this. Your innocent self is vulnerable but your mind will have to take over for awhile, with support from the anger you will stoke by reading your list whenever you feel soft.

Seeing a couple lawyers is actually a good idea and maybe you can get into another one sooner.

Take care.

I have an appointment with an attorney next month (the earliest they could get me in) and am committed to protecting myself and my children. Financially I am not in a position to make it on my own. WS said he wants the process to be as amicable as possible due to coparenting. He states he is not in a hurry to D.

I wouldn't agree to ANYTHING until I had interviewed several attorneys. I would give him no off-premises visitation either, not until a parenting agreement with a morality clause could be established. I would give him NOTHING on the soon-to-be newborn until weaning if I could help it, and certainly no overnights until then. He might not be in a hurry to D, but you have to have some protections for your kids unless you want every piece of ass he brings home playing house with your babies.

I know that your preference is to work things out and go back to the status quo, but that's not happening. Instead, your WS is doubling down on betrayal. And sweetie, I don't have enough bad words to describe the kind of guy who flakes out on his wife while she's pregnant, not to mention the wee Littles you've already got. You'd do well to put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you catch yourself thinking "but I love him!", give it a resounding SNAP. You're in shock right now, but it won't be long before you're asking yourself what kind of person is capable of the shit your WH has pulled on you.

For right now, you might not be feeling tough, but that doesn't mean you can't fake it 'til you make it. If he wants to talk divorce, child custody, or anything remotely like that, tell him 'no'. Tell him that you won't be discussing any of that shit until you've had legal counsel. And if he cuts you off financially, that bumps you up to the front of the line so to speak, in that you can then seek emergency orders against him. Go ahead and book a couple of other attorneys so you're not settling with the first one you meet. Many will give you a free or limited cost consult. Don't be afraid to contact some women's legal aid groups too. You can find those online. Just because your WH isn't beating you doesn't mean that you don't qualify as a woman in need. Reach out to as many resources as you can. Family as well. If you're still protecting his secrets, stop. You need all the resources you can get right now.

There will be time for dealing with all the emotional fallout of what's happening. I= know it's a lot and I'm sorry for it.. but you're going to kick yourself if you don't protect your interests and your children from your WH's stupidity. That's probably going to require you to put brain ahead of heart right now. You can do it though. I have confidence in your fortitude.

((hugs))

scaredmama… I am also a scared mama. Our stories are so similar. My WH convinced me to get an abortion after I discovered his affair to "have a new start and save our family"… 3 days after the procedure he left me and moved in with OW.

I was pregnant with twins and while it would have been sooooo hard I regret it a lot. I wish I still had those babies.

Are you still running on denial and "hopium"? I really thought my WH would come back until 6 weeks after he left. It’s clear now to me that is not happening and should not happen. I’m 10 weeks post Dday and I’m starting to accept it. We are finally NC except for kid logistics.

Have you talked to a lawyer? I’m so nervous about how my settlement will go. I don’t know if I. An afford to keep my kids. WH has thus fantasy OW will be the perfect stepmom and a part time nanny will make their lives a dream. He’s threatening me that I will get nothing.

I too was left for the OW. After 36 years. It was another affair. I wasn’t so shocked. But still it’s devastating to be treated so badly by your spouse.

That’s where my head stayed. And it helped. The truth is he is so far gone already, if he’s chosen her. Chosen to cheat. Chosen to leave. Chosen to get an apartment. If he waffles at this point, it’s usually about money and loss.

Your husband no longer exists. Fog doesn’t matter. I kept sight on how low he actually went. How bad he actually treated me. I was his wife!!!! He had zero respect and zero boundaries for me as a human. Much less a wife. He was so caught up in the fantasy , he lost sight of real life.

He could return. It didn’t matter to me. It was too much. He walked out without a word or explanation. It’s been 4 years. We still have not spoken. He’s a coward for cheating. A coward for leaving a spouse and family in this manner. A coward for running. I have no feelings or respect left for him. I don’t need to talk to him.

We are divorced. His AP dumped him shortly after his move. I found humor in that. I sometimes wonder how that fantasy thing is working for him now.

I struggled when my thoughts were of him as I knew him. My feelings way back when. That time is over. That man is gone. Was he ever that guy? Doesn’t matter. He’s not now

Keep your eye on his actions. Let go of your dream of him. It’s hard. It’s reality. Stay present.

He was a repeat cheater When this last one happened. I had plenty of infidelity experience. I hoped he would leave I hoped this was finally going to end And it did. I did not respond as I had in the past. I did not compete or fight to save it. The pain was still huge.

I was done fighting to save us. It makes me sad to consider , that he was as done as me? Was he this empty toward me? He chose very young women. It was all fantasy. There was my truth. Hopeless. I never dreamed this as our later life.
I don’t recognize him.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:31 AM, Tuesday, April 26th]