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So my wife needs attention and I own my own extremely short staffed business. So I have 4 days a month off and work 8 to 15 hour days trying to weather this storm. My wife is a teacher our kids are grown and moved out. So her om is a custodian at her school. She told me he listens and over the 3 months has fallen in love with her and she has deep feelings for him. So here's where I'm at, my wife is a great a mother to my kids as any mother could be. The best. So the om's daughter sent my daughter something that my wife was having an affair and my daughter called her brother that lives near by and the the 2 of them confronted my wife. I stood there and told them it wasn't true because their faces it would destroy them and their relationship with their mother. My kids are now the most important thing in my life and will not hurt them. So I told her she could keep her affair just don't get caught.

Are you sure this is what you want? I am a little confused. You are ok with it?

Is that how you want to live? With your wife having an affair?

Rolling over and playing dead only benefits the affair...

Hurtsnofool,
You didnt hurt your children and the marriage. She did. She is the one that has walked out of the marriage developing feelings for OM.

You cant let yourself live under the same roof with her continuing her affair. This will hurt you.

Will it not be easier to sepearate rather than come home and see her knowing she is cheating on you day in day out while you work extremely hard with your business to make a life?

Great mothers don't have affairs and destroy their children's lives.

Why can't you be honest with your kids? Eventually the truth will come out and they will resent you for lying.

Allowing your wife to have an affair? Hell no! She has her cake and is eating it too.

Is this other man married? If so, secretly inform his wife. Just give her the facts.

Don't tolerate her behavior. Find your self esteem and end this charade now.

You don’t sound too broken up about your WWs A.

First of all, the secret is already out. If you truly believe that your conversation closed the matter with your kids I would think again. They already know, they will no doubt get it confirmed from someone else, and they will most likely be angry with you that you lied to them.

If I were you, I would sit down and discuss with your WW what you want with your M moving forward. If you want to remain M and fix your relationship than do so. That means no more A. If the M is over, then get D. The worst thing you can do is have a pretend M while she cheats.

I’m fairly familiar with schools. If you think that an A between a M teacher snd M custodian will stay under wraps for long, you’re sadly mistaken. It’s also difficult to believe that your adult children don’t suspect that there is something wrong with their parents M.

Once you snd your WW figure out what you want to do, I would tell your kids the truth.

Hurtsnofool

The title is "Here we go again"...

Not the first time this is happening with your WW?

I’m sorry you find yourself, again? Please don’t take this. It’s sounds like your business is taking everything from you and your WW is kicking you while you are down.

it would destroy them and their relationship with their mother.

If they were in a car headed for a cliff, would you have the same attitude? Then why stand by and let it happen, don’t stand for this, protect your family.

You say your kids are grown and have moved out. How old? My two sons are in their mid-twenties and have not taken the revelation of their mother's affair and subsequent abandonment of our marriage to move in with her AP well at all. They are hurt as much as I am, and see the immense amount of pain she has caused to me, their father. They are not speaking to her, and really have no plans to do so yet. WW is the one who has to live with the destruction she has caused to the family dynamic, much like in your case. No matter what happens with my boys, I know they will never remotely have the same relationship with her ever again. She did that, she has to live with it.

I’m very sorry you’re here. Your post raises a lot of questions, and despite the resignation in your final lines I get the sense there’s a lot of pain there.

What others have said is likely correct. Your kids are unlikely to take your words at face value, and the affair will not remain secret (I work in a school; these things always come out).

More to the point, though, why are you willing to live in a sham of a marriage like that? Are you just desperately trying to keep her at any cost? Is there any compelling reason for it? It sounds like so much pain for so little return. You need to value yourself more. She has wronged you. It’s not ok.

Sometimes things are so overwhelming that it’s easier to lay down than to fight or draw a boundary. But in the long run it just causes more pain.

Hi Hurtsnofool, I hope you are treating yourself well.

I stood there and told them it wasn't true because their faces it would destroy them and their relationship with their mother. My kids are now the most important thing in my life and will not hurt them.

My father cheated on my mum (mum found out 5 years ago) and when we all confronted him, he only gave us very minimal details and swept everything else under the rug. My mum decides to continue staying with him, and I could see that she is miserable but she seeks solace in religion and just distractions everyday. Because of this, my relationship with my dad is strained. The main point is that I hated how he was dismissive of our feelings, gaslighted my mum, how he didn't apologize, and how nothing was ever addressed. It will hurt more, and have a long lasting impact if you lie to your children, and they don't know what to believe anymore. If they learn of the truth now, it will hurt. But as young adults (I assume because they moved out), they will appreciate the honesty and then they can then decide how they want to move on with it.

You deserve so much more than this.

Hurtsnofool, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this on top of an already grueling work situation.

I really think you are so over worked and stressed you are not able to make a good choice right now.

For your business, can you limit your capacity to give yourself some breathing room? Not sure what the business is, but take fewer orders or shut down one day a week, have shorter hours, start putting customers on a waitlist, something like that? I see many businesses doing this because of staffing.

As others have said, your kids already know. By denying the truth, you are just setting a bad example for them. Would you want one of your kids to do what you are proposing? Letting their spouse cheat on them while they pretend it’s not happening and work themselves to death? That’s no way to live. You need to be a role model for them. You will damage them more if you live this lie.

You can acknowledge the affair, stand up for yourself, and still be respectful to your wife as the mother of your kids. Your kids may be a bit sad but they need to see you stand up for yourself.

Dont let her do this to you. As someone who has survived multiple betrayals just believe me you will suffer. Your kids will suffer. She needs to work on herself. Prove that she is a safe partner. That means calling it off and working on her issues. No playing. Ask me how I know. Peace is everything. With you, your kids, your sanity.

You are doing your children a grave disservice. They already know their mother is a liar and now you have added a new level of dishonesty to their lives.

Please find a counselor to help you understand and deal with your own trauma.

Avoiding conflict is not a valid strategy to get out of infidelity.

She is not worthy of your misguided protection.

Hate to tell you this,but the word is already out. Your wife is having an affair. It's so obvious that his daughter knows.

And you lied to your kids??!! Man that was the wrong thing to do. You aren't protecting anyone. You are gaslighting your own children.

Also.. good mom doesn't have an affair.

Tell them the truth. They already know they have one parent they can't trust. Don't make it two.

I imagine your kids would prefer to know that at least one of their parents loves them enough to be honest with them and not break their trust, even if it does hurt to know the truth.

Maintaining trust and honesty to should trump protecting their feelings. What you're doing is to akin to your wife not telling you about her affair so you don't get hurt.

[This message edited by Murkywaters at 3:45 PM, Monday, August 15th]

Thecadvice you are getting is pretty consistent. I would encourage you to listen to it. Sometimes it really pays to look at things from a different. I know that right after Dday#1, I blamed myself because aftercare, I'm a husband and father so it should be my fault. Complete bullshit.

First, she is not a good mother. Don't compartmentalize her character. You can't rope off a pissing section in a pool. It mixes...

Secondly, you just taught your kids that it is okay to lie to their faces. Is that a good dad thing to do. Do you think you are sparing them the hurt? What if they lied about their mothers affair? Would you be okay with that?

Thirdly, you are blaming yourself for her A. Let's see. My H works very hard to provide for me and my kids, what should I do? Yes, have sex with the janitor. So your wife feels like she is not getting enough attention. I'm assuming she wasn't giving you attention either. Did you have an A? Or did you step up and continue to focus on your commitment to your family?

What if you were not working enough? Would she use that for an excuse?

It does seem like you are detached from the situation, but that may just be the stage you are at. Keep reading and posting. That will help you process. Good luck.

Ignoring and covering for her will likely only make this worse. The kids will continue to talk and they will continue to find more and more out. Helping your kids the best you can means being someone they can rely on to TELL THE TRUTH. By lying you have become one more adult they cannot trust. Please help your children by being someone they can rely on - they are going to need you more than ever.

So an update, 2 months since day today. Really hurts, I've tried to get both of us into counseling but No one is taking new clients, I'm on 2 waiting lists. Reason I'm kinda sitting is I want counseling before I make a life changing decision. I have made bad decisions in the past and I'm currently not confident I can make an intelligent decision right now. Personally I just don't have it in me emotionally to make any major changes. In a perfect world I would have just taken off in my camper until I could figure everything out. My son works with me and there's no way I can dump everything on him. On top of all this I am taking care of my parents mother has dementia and father is just a miserable old man. So I have too many people relying on me to be able to do anything for myself.