SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife (A 45f) and I (45m) have been married for nearly 20 years. We have two kids (15 and 13). In November of last year, my mom suddenly died. This was very hard on all of us, my wife included. I went into a deep depression that lasted until I started taking anti-depressants this summer. When I was in the worst of the depression, I was distant and barely able to focus or do day to day things. I also developed severe anxiety. My mother-in-law also developed cancer in January, though she has since recovered well. A started making a point to see her once a month for dinner.

In June, I started taking anti-depressants. They worked well and I started climbing out of the depression pit. In July, A went to see her mother the day before A's birthday. Something seemed wrong, since A told her mom she would be there for dinner around 5 and left our house around 7am. Midway through the day I became convinced that something was wrong. I checked our phone bill and saw that A had been talking for hours to a number I didn't recognize for several months. I still didn't have any idea what was going on, though. When she came home (very relaxed), I asked her where she had gone and she said she had walked around a mall for a while. This didn't add up, as no one can walk around a mall for 7+ hours, but I trusted her and decided not to make a big thing and ruin her birthday.

Flash to the end of August. We went to the beach with my sister-in-law for a week, and when we came back A had Covid, so we slept in different rooms while she was recovering. She mentioned that she wanted to see her mother again the coming weekend after she got better. For some reason, I decided to look at the phone bill again, and I saw that she had been on the phone for hours in the middle of the night while so sick that she couldn't get out of bed.

I confronted her. She admitted that she had been talking to a guy (J) that she knew a long time ago. I asked if she had seen him in person. She said yes. I was already reeling and so I asked if they had had sex. She said yes and my whole world burned to ash in a second.

It turns out that she had been seeing him since February. All those trips to her mom's were to have sex with him (she would visit her mom afterwards). She also told him she loved him.

I feel like my whole world is gone. I never doubted our relationship and I always thought we had a great marriage because we never fought and tried to give the other person everything they needed. But I guess I couldn't give her what she needed for three months after my mom died and she jumped into bed with someone else.

A says she wants to work it out with me. She's already told him that they won't have any contact again, and she had started therapy to stop seeing him before I found out. I want to work it out. I don't want to give up our life. But I am so hurt. I know most people get angry, but all I feel is pain. I don't want to sound like a romance novel heroine, but I cry for hours every day.

This is just so hard though. For mother's day, she said she needed to get away for a vacation by herself. I said, "Of course!" I was so happy that I could help her after I had been so distant. But he was there. It hurts so much that she didn't even try to get me to come so we could reconnect.

Thank you if you've read this far.

I am sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library and the pinned threads. You have now seen that your WW is capable of lying and deceit to betray you to have sex with another man. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. Accept no blame. Millions of people every day feel unloved, ignored, disconnected in their marriages, but they never cheat. The truth is that she cheated because she wanted to do it.

You both should be tested for STD’s. Take your time in deciding what you want to do. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a long time. Eat healthy, exercise, get sleep. You have undergone a trauma and you need to be strong. Your WW needs to take a hard look at herself and it would be wise to look into counseling to deal with her brokenness and her demonstrated lack of morals and lack of integrity. She can not regain any trust if she does not face her weaknesses.

I do recommend, as many do, telling the OM’s wife of the A, if he is married. She deserves to know the truth as do you. Watch your WW’s actions not her words. Have her write a no contact letter and a detailed timeline of her A. You decide how much you need to know.

Do not do the “pick me” dance. It never works. You can’t nice her back. You can’t control her. You can only control your own actions. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:03 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)]

You’ve clearly had a difficult time. There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to reacting and dealing with infidelity and it’s still too early for knee jerk reactions. You have to think about your needs and what works for you before making a decision to reconcile. I know you don’t want to give up but you have to ensure A is fully committed to reconciling before you even try.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this after losing your mum (I was in a similar situation after losing my dad). One thing you must not do is blame yourself or beat yourself for the infidelity. We rely on our partners support when such things happen and sadly A had let you down and been selfish. Continue to tell yourself "this is not my fault". It’s easy to blame ourselves and sometimes our partners use this as an excuse, but it’s a poor and selfish one.
Give yourself time to think and don’t be pressured into making any decisions. One thing I know for sure is that whatever happens you will survive this and you will be a better person for it. Much love to you and remember, be kind to yourself.

There is one thing you should do right now. It doesn’t matter if you want to reconcile or divorce, it’s the same response. You have to at least mention divorce as a possibility.

Your wife doesn’t think what she did was all that bad because she did it for so long. It wasn’t a onetime thing that freaked her out.

If you go straight to working it out your actions will signal that you agree with her that it wasn’t bad.
Like many long married couples your value to her is family, stability and security. She needs to know that her actions put all that at risk.

For six months she had two men supplying her needs. You for the above and the other man for excitement. Life was fantastic for her. She would have liked that to go on forever but now she has to choose between the two of you. She knows that it’s easier to find someone to provide no strings attached sex that what you provide. So she picked you.

From experience she is going to at least keep in contact with the other man no matter what she promises (100%). Her allowing you to monitor all her devices is symbolic and will cause you work. She will know not to use those devices. No matter what you’re checking they can use other methods (burner phone).

Several things:

You spend a long portion of your post setting up reasons why your wife might have felt the need to go fuck somebody else.

You had nothing to do with it, neither did her mother's illness, nor any other reason outside of she wanted to screw this guy, she felt entitled to it, and she didn't care about lying to you or what it would do to you.

***

Second, anger is not usually emotion #1. The first emotions/reaction are generally shock, sadness, self-blame, rationalization, and also what you appear to be doing, believing someone who has selfishly and willfully lied to you in the most hurtful ways.

Maybe she visited her mom after each cheating session. Maybe/probably not.

Get used to the understanding that there are a ton of things you took for granted that will prove to be lies.

Another very common reaction is to instantly want reconciliation. Learn all you can before you make that decision.

She will lie about the extent of EVERYTHING. There are ways to learn more truth including polygraph tests, data recovery, and surveillance - all the things you never have thought would ever be part of your life-scape.

I'm very sorry for your losses. Good luck to you.

This is not your fault.

You were mourning the death of your mother. A loving wife doesn't respond to that by fucking another man. Just..no.

What work is she doing to become a safe person?

Have you both been tested for stds?

Have you told his wife?

sorry you had to find us, but this place is a great resource of folks who understand what you are going through.

Some practicalities:
1) Get STD tested RIGHT AWAY. Full panel- tell your Dr what is going on. They have heard it all, don't be embarrassed. Make sure your WS (wayward spouse) does the same before you have sex without protection. Far too many people here have picked up nasty STDs.
2) Get exercise, eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, and really try for plenty of sleep. These will help your body and your mind, and you need to keep your head on as straight as possible.
3) See a lawyer without telling your WS. Not to file, but to understand what D (divorce) might look like. Knowledge is power and understanding your rights and what that might look like will help you to feel grounded and in control. It will prevent her from being able to throw untruths or threats if she starts to panic.
4) Get some support IRL. Do you have a best friend, family member, clergy etc that you can confide in? You are on the worst roller coaster ride that exists, and having some support will really help. An IC (individual counselor or therapist) can REALLY help you figure out what you want and need when you are trying to understand the chaos your life is in. Also, it’s nice to have a safe place to speak freely of fears, hurts, concerns, etc. Do not go to MC (marriage counseling) at this time- your marriage is not and was not the problem.
5) Do not accept ANY blame for her cheating. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. Was your marriage perfect? Probably not, and you each own your part of any issues there. But she had many options if she was not happy (conversation/confrontation, MC, separation, divorce, etc) instead of cheating but she CHOSE to cheat. You had a rough year — we all have rough years - and she was supposed to be there for you during that time. She failed there.
6) Read the posts in this forum with the bullseyes posted at the top and throughout (scroll through a few pages to find some) and read in the healing library. Great helpful stuff there.

What is she doing now? Do you have 100% transparency on all devices? Has she sent an NC (no contact) letter to her AP( Affair Partner)? Does she work with him? If so, she needs a new job ASAP. How do you know she is not continuing the affair (A)?
(Ands that she wanted time to herself is really really suspicious…. I mean that is a HUGE red flag. Sorry but it really is).

Hang in there and know that as much as this hurts— and we know how badly it hurts - -you will get through it. There is another side and you will get there. It does take time— years, actually, but you will get there.

-BB

Thanks for your replies.

To answer a few questions:
1. She's let me see her phone with no complaints.
2. She's been in counseling since June. It was originally to try to stop (didn't work) and is now to work through her own issues.
3. She can't be continuing the affair in person at this point. She turned on tracking in Life360 (she had turned it off to hide her tracks). He's far enough away from where we live that it would be obvious. She does not and has never worked with him. I have no way of knowing if she's talking to him outside of her phone, of course.
4. She swears they were safe the whole time, but...
5. I have no way of contacting his wife. He told A that they were in the middle of a divorce but I don't know that I believe either of them.
6. She has been open about everything as far as I know, even when the answers were terrible.
7. She hasn't seen him since July, but she was planning on seeing him the next weekend when I confronted her.

As to the alone time thing, it wasn't a huge red flag for me. I'm somewhat introverted and need time alone. She had previously gone on this trip with no cheating; at least none that I know of. I believe her that she didn't do anything the earlier time; I don't know why she would lie about it now.

I am starting individual therapy to get through this.

Oral sex is never safe. Std tests immediately.

Do you have all passwords to her phone email, social media etc?

Is she answering all of your questions with honesty? No anger?

What is her reason for the affair?

You do have a way to find his wife. You know his name. Find him on Facebook. His wife wil be listed. You know the town he lives in. Google his info..there's his wife. Your wife knows his address. Ask her.

The cheater ALWAYS says the sex was protected. They also Typically say the AP and their spouse were getting divorced, or in an open relationship. They do this to protect the AP.

What consequences has she had?

It would be a good idea to run message retrieving software on her phone. Then you will see when the last time was that she spoke to him.

1. She's let me see her phone with no complaints.

That's good. However, it's a very strong possibility that she already deleted the stuff that she thinks would send you over the edge to divorce. And it's also a pretty good chance that she is continuously sanitizing or finding other ways to communicate with him.

2. She's been in counseling since June. It was originally to try to stop (didn't work) and is now to work through her own issues.

Therapists are fucking worthless when a cheater doesn't want to make a real change. And when it comes to "treating cheaters" they are of very questionable value even if the cheater does kinda want to stop. Read around; lots of stories of therapists with questionable moral stances on cheating, advising to hold back the whole truth, telling cheaters they did it because their "needs were unmet" and a whole host of other bullshit.

Remember, a therapist needs repeat business to pay the rent and cheaters/liars hate accountability, so a therapist who is getting paid by them is not a dependable source of hard truths.

3. She can't be continuing the affair in person at this point. She turned on tracking in Life360 (she had turned it off to hide her tracks). He's far enough away from where we live that it would be obvious. She does not and has never worked with him. I have no way of knowing if she's talking to him outside of her phone, of course.

Sorry, you need to be more suspicious. You mean he can't travel closer to you to see her? There are a million different ways to make it happen.

4. She swears they were safe the whole time, but...

100% a lie.

5. I have no way of contacting his wife. He told A that they were in the middle of a divorce but I don't know that I believe either of them.

Moe lies or bullshit. Do you have his phone number? his name? I guarantee you that you can have his wife's information by tomorrow. I'll PM you.

6. She has been open about everything as far as I know, even when the answers were terrible.

Yes, like telling you they practiced safe sex. No, she is lying, minimizing, and omitting. It's just that even while doing those things, the answers are still terrible.

7. She hasn't seen him since July, but she was planning on seeing him the next weekend when I confronted her.

The second part is true, the first part is questionable at best.

***

Why did I go through all of that? Because your wife is quoting chapter and verse from the "Cheater's Bible". If you start by being skeptical of everything she tells you, you will find yourself a lot closer to the truth.

The point here is to understand what has been inflicted on you, and then you have to decide if you can accept a life with the person who did this to you.

And if you decide you want to try, she has to essentially undertake the hardest mission of her life, which is to win your trust and respect back.

And even if she does everything 100% correct, then you might, at any time, decide you can't go on.

These are the fruits of cheating.

Any plan to reconcile must require that the OBS be told. It can be done. Tell your WW that you demand that she help you track down the OBS. If the both of you have to go to her house to tell her, do it. The AP must not get away with what he did. Your WW must suffer the embarrassment and shame by telling the OBS and apologizing. This is the least she can do.

This is the first time – and I have been around for quite some time – where I hear of a wayward needing therapy to stop being in an affair.
I have heard of (and support) therapy to fix whatever made the WS think having an affair was such a good idea, but that the AP is so addictive – as opposed to the affair itself – is a new one for me.

And I don’t accept it…

Friend – I see from your posts that you want to save your marriage. A lot of the advice above is spot-on but might not sound conductive to saving your marriage. What I am going to suggest is 100% based on creating the conditions that might save your marriage, and it’s going to sound a lot like the above. The reason is simple: The ONLY WAY your marriage MIGHT be saved is if you have enough assurance the affair is over.

So far you seem to have focused on reacting to her affair and monitoring what she’s doing. Inside you have a fear that if you don’t stay in line she only has to pick up the phone and call OM.

This is what I suggest.
Tell your wife this:

"Wife. I love you and would do a lot to save this marriage. However – I love you too much to hold back on your happiness. If you think OM is the real deal, the white knight, the missing link… go be with him. Go date him, move in with him, plan your future with him, introduce him to friends… whatever. I do not want to prevent you from being happy..
I don’t want to be the safe option, the compromise, the next-best-thing. If I can’t be your husband with all that entails then it’s better that we simply accept that we need to find our happiness elsewhere.
You are totally free to be with OM. Only don’t do this as my wife.
I absolve you of your obligations as my wife. We can start the formal process of divorce soon, and the laws and regulations should ensure we both get a fair deal there.

If you want this marriage you need to tell me so in very clear words. You then need to convince me through words and actions that you are being honest. I don’t want to be your warden so I won’t be monitoring you but rather IF you want this marriage you need to find ways to convince me its only me and you."

Brother sorry for your predicament.
Remember we all advise that cheaters lie, they lie to control the fall out, to save their bacon, as well as to steer the direction of the way ahead.
For Christ sake, you mother passed away and you were dealing with grief yet she found comfort in the arms of a married man.
Using her mothers cancer for a hook ups.
Please this is manipulation big time, as well as fumbling for a reason to justify her actions.
Yes you love her but you can’t just rug sweep the disrespect, the conscious betrayal of her actions so to work towards R.
R is a long hard road and unfortunately she your WW has to do all of the lifting and support you and the family in the healing process. There will be hard truths that you and she needs to raise and address.
Did she say what she thought the result would have been when caught?
Thank one day at a time and trust nothing and verify everything.
Buffer

Insist that your wife prepare a timeline of her affair, including their conversations (subject to a polygraph test).

It's therapeutic for her as well as for you to understand the full extent of betrayal.
And since most cheaters are desperate they lie and minimize or withhold information.
So the polygraph encourages full disclosure.

The facts are more painful in the short run but provide a solid long term foundation for reconciliation.
What you don't know often comes back to haunt you.

Finally, your wife knows the name and address of his wife.

She needs to know he's cheating. It's not likely your wife is the first or the last.

You will feel a sense of control/relief by blowing up his fantasy world.

fallingdown -

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been given excellent advice from some of the best posters here. I know it is overwhelming, and because you desperately want to save your marriage so some of the advice may seem too extreme, or will be the opposite of what you want but PLEASE trust the posters here. They know what they’re talking about. Your wife isn’t who you thought she was. You may be seeing your wife as the loving faithful woman you’ve always thought her to be who made a "mistake" or lost herself for a bit of time, but you have to come to accept, this was no mistake. Your wife made a million choices, all surrounded around deceiving you. Your wife exploited her own mother’s cancer to facilitate this affair.

And you are relying too heavily on what she’s telling you as truth. Cheaters lie. They LIE. They lie lie lie. You can’t imagine why she would keep lying at this juncture because you aren’t the type of person she is. Once you accept this truth, things will get better for you (considering the circumstances.) If your wife tells you it’s raining, even if that very morning you checked the weather service and it said prospect of thunderstorms, you still go to the window and check. Please look up the phrase trickle-truth. Cheaters lie for many reasons, she may want to protect their affair/relationship from YOU, she may still get some of the thrilling feeling by keeping things from you. The lie she is telling you I can say with 100% certainty is, that they used protection. They did not. Maybe once. And she likely knows exactly who his wife is, probably stalks her on social media.

I think one of the things betrayed spouses should do, although it will be very painful, is visit the subforum: Adultery, on the "R" website. That subforum is full of cheaters, who hype each other up on cheating. Read what they tell each other to do when caught. Read their reasons for staying in their marriages after being caught. Sometimes the ask with laughing emojis "how long after being caught until I can restart my affair?" And read the stories on this site. You’ll see common themes of cheaters. And you’ll read the common mistakes BS make. You need to start viewing your wife through the lens of who she is, a cheater who is selfish and saying and doing whatever she has to, to protect her comfort, lifestyle and reputation.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 5:23 PM, Wednesday, September 14th]

Okay, you've had lots of advice about your wife. I would suggest that you think some about yourself and what kind of marriage you want going forward -- with this person or another. What Makes Love Last?:How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayalby Gottman and Silver. As you read it, reflect on the marriage you had and the seeds of betrayal she had already sown. That may help you chart your own way forward.

Sorry this has happened to you man, no one deserves what she's done to you.

So your wife has blown up your life, her kids' lives. For six months she traveled to have sex romps with another man. An incredible amount of deception, lies, selfishness and cruelty. On top of all this your wife is a top notch liar to have pulled this off.

She has a very selfish, dark side to her mate.

No regard for his wife and children. Nope, Mama's gotta fuck this guy. She's a potential homewrecker.

--

Reconciliation... men in your situation have done it, but 6 months of screwing another man, telling him she loved him. You've got quite a challenge in front of you.

Eyes open here - stories like yours, the wife often cheats again, she's got quite a connection to this guy. So don't fool yourself into thinking her cheating days are done because she's told you so. The whole accomplished liar thing comes into play here, and to some degree she's still yearning for this asshole she was/is in love with.

Unless you're some kind of zen master, you've got a train ride of anger you'll be riding on, maybe for years. Consider some individual counselling to deal with it on your end, that anger long term can hurt your health. Hard exercise works for some men to burn off their anger.

She's given you her phone... she's a player brother, cheaters often use burner phones to keep you in the dark. She likely has moves you can't imagine, let's hope she doesn't use them.

Welcome to the land of parole officer. Many men in your situation become experts in spying on their cheating wives, trying to keep their wayward wives behaving themselves. Voice activated recorders, gps trackers, spyware on her computer, playing cat and mouse with her on her phone looking for messaging apps and other evidence, using private eyes, yahoo.

Good luck and strength to you.

Brother how are you doing?

Brother how are you doing?

Every day is different. Some are ok, some are not. I still cry every day (it's humiliating). I still want to work it out. Maybe I'm naive, but I still believe in us. I read all these replies, and I'm sure I sound like a fool.

There's not really any way she could be seeing him right now. He lives 3 hours north of us and she works 1.5 hours south. She has tracking turned on on her phone, so I can see that she goes to work and comes home. I have no way of knowing if she's still talking to him. I've accepted that if she wanted to leave, she could. I've also accepted that if she does contact him again, it will be her decision to end our marriage. The fact that she's stayed so far is at least some evidence that she intends to change.

Sorry I am so blunt - but you need a healthy dose of anger. You're still in a shock, understandable, but you need to act. Get the STD check (both of you) and, at least for now, tak everything she says as a lie. Believe people here telling you that cheaters lie. Because they do. Good luck