I am not sure if this is the correct forum to post this on. Sorry in advance if it is not.
I have always been one to believe that everything was forgivable to a certain degree. My therapist always says that you forgive someone for yourself, not for them. That forgiving them takes away the power they/the situation has over you. I understand that way of thinking. Sounds very logical. But, I reached a point that I do not think I will ever be able to forgive my XWH for this.
To start off, I am officially divorced. (As of September 12th) I was going to come on here and talk about how relieved I was and how well things turned out for me in the divorce. How so much has changed since DD on 10/14/17, but how so much has not changed. How I represented myself (with the direction of one of my bosses) and am so incredibly proud of myself for how much I fought for myself and my kids. How he had a great family law attorney representing him and I did it on my own. I will do that soon. I will come on here and give you all the details. Promise. But first, I feel like there is something A LOT more important I need to share with you all.
This past summer, I took my kids to Jamaica. If some of you remember, I picked Jamaica because it was the place my XWH promised the kids and I he would take us, while he was trying to win us all back with his fake ass promises. Well…..he ended up doing the same crap to us, yet again, and thought it was ok to take his mistress there….then come home with souvenirs for my kids, like it was no big deal. 
My daughter was so heartbroken. Anyway…..I took them and we had an amazing time. It was my favorite vacation with my kids to date.
Those that have been following my story, also know that I had a niece that was battling cancer for the last 8 years. 
She was 11 years old. (She is my XWH’s only brother’s daughter) I remain very close to his side of the family. They have all been amazing to me and he barely speaks to them. He continues to isolate himself from everyone because they will not support what he has done and want nothing to do with the OW. In the beginning of this year, we received the devastating news that our niece was getting worse and her doctors told us there were no further treatment plans available that she qualified for. So in January, his brother called my XWH and told him. He asked that he step up and contact his niece/goddaughter more. She missed him and needed him. That we were not being given much hope and did not know how much time we had with her. (Quick background……there was always a very special bond between my niece and my XWH. Before the A, we both spent a lot of time with his family. My nieces and our kids are very close. She really did love him very much. After the A, he basically neglected everyone, including the kids. Even after he stopped being around the family and never visited her, she still loved him and asked for him to come see her.) Nothing really changed after his brother called him. I believe he texted her a couple of times. In May, she got much worse. She began having issues breathing and needed an oxygen tank almost 24/7. My sister-in-law made the decision to call my XWH again and tell him she was getting even worse and he needed to step up. She told him that his niece would cry because he never visited her or communicated. She felt like he didn’t care.
We created a bucket list with her and spent the summer doing as much as we could with her. My niece had a heart of gold. Her dream was to open up a shelter for children so they had a place to go and feel safe. Her last project was developing a "backpack project" where she teamed up with her yoga instructor and collected backpacks and school supplies for children in need. She struggled every day just to do things we take for granted…..eat, breathe, live. Yet, she found the strength to help others. We lost her on August 24th. 
My children and I were literally in flight back from Jamaica when she took her last breathe. When our plane landed, I turned on my phone and saw the multiple text messages and voicemails from our family. I was devastated, but managed to hold it together for my kids until we got to my in-laws to tell them. I still do not know how I did not lose it on the plane or in the airport. I just didn't want to tell my children in an airport that they had just lost their cousin. My daughter and her were best friends. She is beyond heartbroken.
It has been almost 1 month and it still seems surreal that she is gone. This last month has been extremely difficult for so many reasons. After she passed, I was told by my brother-in-law and sister-in-law that my X never made any effort to be there for their daughter or them. Even after their phone calls. He went to visit her once in May and that was it. She passed away in August….and he hadn’t seen her since May. She would try to Facetime him sometimes and he wouldn’t pick up. He would sometimes take days to call her back. He would ignore text messages. Towards the end, she stopped trying because she really was so hurt by him. The last time he tried calling her back days after she had called him, she didn’t even want to pick up anymore. She just started crying.
The morning after she passed, by SIL and BIL Facetimed me. I had reached out to them the night before and told them when they were ready to talk to me, I was there for whatever they needed. I was also very concerned about their younger daughter and wanted to know how she was doing as well. They both began venting and telling me the details of what had happened between my X and their daughter. I knew they had both called him and knew he wasn’t being the best at supporting them. But I was not aware of the extent. I honestly thought he was at least picking up calls or responding to messages. I even thought that he had gone to visit her a few times this summer. I just never asked because it was a very sore subject for all of us. I honestly never knew how to even bring it up to them when we were together and I certainly was not going to ask my niece if her uncle was reaching out to her. I can’t even describe how I felt when they gave me the details. I couldn’t even breathe I was so angry.
Gets worse……as I am Facetiming them, my X texts his brother telling him he wants to stop by their house. My BIL responds "I am not ready for visitors". My X responds "I am not a visitor, I am your brother"……and my BIL ignores it. My BIL said "He is not my brother, he is a visitor." They really were very angry at him and were not ready to speak to him. They needed time and that should have been respected. They had just lost their child and were trying to keep it together for their younger daughter. Well….my X did not care. He showed up at his parents crying and playing victim about how he can’t believe she was gone and then drove to his brother’s house. My SIL and BIL were civil enough to let him in and speak to him calmly. They did not scream. My BIL told him that his daughter would not want him to scream, even though he was extremely angry at him. They basically told him that they do not need him around. Their daughter needed him and he choose not to be around. They forgave him, but are done. Of course…..he tried to speak in the mist of it and my SIL cut him off and told him that "He was in no position to speak at all. He was going to sit here and listen." Apparently, he was trying to make excuses that the family had "cut him off and he was uncomfortable around everyone." My BIL told my XWH " You are not understanding the extent of what you did to my child. She was dying and you were not there for her when she needed you most. She was your niece and your godchild. You are my only ‘brother’ and you choose to not be there for any of us. My kid was dying and you never checked in to see how I was doing. How my wife was doing. How my younger daughter was doing. How your children were handling their cousin dying. I have to do something that no parent should ever have to do. I have to bury my child and after years of you neglecting us all, now you want to play hero and be here. MY CHILD DIED THINKING YOU DIDN’T LOVE HER. As a parent, I don’t see myself recovering from this. You can’t go back and make things right with her because she is gone. I just hope you don’t continue to do this crap to your children because you are blessed. You have 2 healthy, beautiful children. My niece and nephew are amazing." He started crying when he left. Then he hugged his brother and said "Sorry…..one day when I get the chance, I will tell you about my problems" YEP…..you read that right! I seriously couldn’t make this crap up if I tried.
So my X of course attended the arrangements. He sat there crying. He apparently told his parents that his brother was very harsh on him and should not have said the things he did. He was "offended." 
Had a bunch of co-workers and "higher-ups" come. Acted as if he had been there all this time and was on great terms with all of us. He really put on a show! Like he had been there for his brother all this time. Meanwhile, he hadn’t seen our niece since MAY!
Needless to say…..services were done and he is basically back to his old self. Our son had his first soccer game this past weekend and he didn’t show up. (Hasn’t been to a game in more than 1 ½ years.) I honestly thought he was going to begin showing up because he asked me about his games and when they were going to post them in the app during the days were saw each other for the services. (Even though he has the same access to the app that I do.) Why even ask if you are not going to go? Barely communicates. School started…..has never even asked anything related to our kids’ teachers, school, etc. Same crap. I honestly don’t expect anything different from him. Even after the show he put on at the services. We all knew it was an act and short-lived.
I was getting use to the way I felt about him. No expectations. Feeling indifferent. He got no overnights in the divorce. Only got 2-3 hours a week with our son. He didn’t fight me for more time. Tried to fight me on the alimony and child support....but no extra time with his kids. He clearly doesn't want the responsibility of being a father and wants to be a father only when it is convenient for him. Now, he gets to do whatever he wants and be with his mistress, living a carefree life. And honestly, I really don't care about that anymore. At least my children get a stable life with me. I really was getting use to our new lives. BUT…..after I found out he was ignoring our niece’s calls and making no effort to be there for her, something in me changed. Yes, he has done this to our kids and neglected them. But this was a child that was dying. She spent 8 years of her 11 year life fighting for her life. I am devastated. I don’t even want to see him anymore. EVER. My SIL told me that she literally feels repulsed being in his presence and I feel the same exact way. I can’t even stomach him anymore. Who behaves this way? How could someone live with themselves doing this to a child? I don‘t think this is something I can forgive him for. Worst part is….I have to raise my children with this man. I need to figure out a way to live knowing my kids’ father is inhuman and this breaks my heart in so many ways.
[This message edited by Mari104 at 7:05 PM, Thursday, September 22nd]
