SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I fell in love with a man and have been living with him for two years. Over these years I have periodically found hints of some emotional infidelity. When confronted he has expressed the desire to stop and we have taken steps to try and repair our relationship - couples therapy, trust exercises, etc.. Unfortunately, it has continued.

Most recently I found that he was sexting more than 20 woman regularly, while I was sleeping beside him, and lying to my face when I asked about the new hints I saw. It has been going on for most of our relationship it seems.

He is such an amazing partner in so many other ways, supportive, kind, strong and so so loving, he would do anything for me. However, I am at my breaking point. I need to make a decision of how to proceed, and even the mention of leaving him forever is making me feel even worse.

I am so sorry you had to find us, but this place is a wonderful resource.

1) Read in the healing library and all the post in the Just Found Out forum with the bullseyes (you may have to page through a few pages).
2) Get to a doctor ASAP and get a full panel STD test—. Lying liars lie, as it turns out. And you need to be certain nothing physical happened. Make him do the same and be sure he SHOWS you the results.
3) Take extra good care of yourself: eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get some daily exercise. These help your body and your mind, and you need your mind right now. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doc.
4) Consider IC (individual counseling) to help you figure out what you need and have a safe place to explore your feelings. What IRL support do you have?

Are you married? Kids? What is your living situation? In the entire duration of your relationship he has been cheating.

What is he doing to help here? Is he in IC? 100% transparency of all devices and his whereabouts?

Keep posting. You will get through this.

@bearlybreathing we are not married, just living together, no kids. I am currently staying with my parents until I figure out where to go.

Yes, he was cheating throughout the entire relationship, but not physically. He was always very transparent about his whereabouts, but he was constantly talking and sending illicit videos, pictures and messages to many other women, often while being in the same room as me. He was also using a dating site.

As of right now, I am unsure of what he is doing as I have decided to separate from him for the time being. We will be meeting again in two weeks to figure out where we will go from there.

So basically, he was pretty good at keeping you fooled about who he really is and what he really wants. I think maybe you're hoping this was some kind of aberration to an otherwise stellar character, but the facts say differently. I think you know that. It's just not what you want it to be.

This is a compulsion/addiction and I think you could consider that he has done this his entire sexual history. If the thought of losing you does not stop him nothing will.

I think you really need to get into IC.

From observation on being on this site for over 5 yrs now, I was reading before I signed up.. You are idolizing a man who isn't the man you see him to be. You've placed a person on a pedestal that is cheating on you the whole time you're together. And not just with 1 women, he's literally sexting with 20 women, that you know of!

He is NOT an amazing partner, he's a cheat, a very manipulative one at that. Do you think those other 20 girls know about you, or the other 20 women whose sexting him. He's a very astute liar, manipulator, and has everyone fool. But he's not the problem, you see, you are. What I mean by that and why you should get into IC is b/c he is what he is, but you deserve better. You just need to understand it, go to IC and help improve your self esteem and worth. Know that you deserve a lot more than that this dude has to offer, and you can't see that right now b/c you're saying he's such an amazing partner, but if he was so great, why are you on an infidelity web forum?

He's not who you think he is. You afraid of leaving a cheater whose gaming 20 other women is NOT on him, but something you need to address.

Infidelity is a form of abuse..So he's an amazing partner..except when he's abusing you..which has been happening from day one.

It doesn't matter that he always told you where he was. I highly doubt you checked on him,to make sure he was where he said he was,every time. Because you trusted him. There are many betrayed wives here who were cheated on,and their husbands "only went to work,amd came home after work every day." They found a way.

Most men don't involve themselves in affairs to talk dirty. They're in it for the sex.

You need to be tested for stds. Him too. Immediately.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:55 PM, Wednesday, October 12th]

If he wants this to work he needs therapy at the least. My exWH did similar things as yours and he never stopped. But he never even felt remorse or regret and often just laughed at me.

If I were you, I'd cut my losses unless he is serious about stopping that non sense and getting help.

He is such an amazing partner in so many other ways, supportive, kind, strong and so so loving, he would do anything for me

He is willing to do anything but be monogamous, loyal, respectful etc.

Stop downplaying his cheating. It’s abusive to you.

You have to decide if you are going to accept him as who he is OR you put more value in monogamy and honesty.

I don’t think he will stop sexting or change.

Therefore you need to decide what you want - this relationship (as is) or you want a relationship with someone who is not cheating on you.

Constantlyafraid,
You are in a tough situation.
A bit of my history…we met in 2008 online.
Married in 2013 after buying a house together.
I was previously divorced and was raising two kids on my own.
I was head over heels with this man and finally (thought) I met my prince!
Discovered 6/24/2018 that he had been with another woman since before we even met.
He previously lived about 3-4 hours away when we met.
He told me that he was an avid hunter and would often go "hunting" 2-3 times a month.
I would even pack him food and he would always come home to a clean home, homemade food on the stove, and me…. Often in lingerie and ready to show him how much I missed him.
I also noticed red flags, but thought I was crazy!
To fast forward to now…4+ years after finding out…we’re still married, but unhappily.
He quickly learned that not only was a devoted wife, but that i quickly revoked all of the wifely privileges he once had.
But that’s me.
Only you can determine your future.
Only you know what you want and need.
Therapy is most important for you alone.
Yes, it’s scary in many ways.
It’s crushing. It’s devastating.
However, what ever decision you make…it’s only between you two.
You are strong and will get through this either way!
Sorry that this happened, but you have the choice of making your life better with or without him!
Best of luck 🤞

When confronted he has expressed the desire to stop and we have taken steps to try and repair our relationship - couples therapy, trust exercises, etc.. Unfortunately, it has continued.

Because it wasn't about you or the relationship.

This is the first thing you need to accept. People flounder in pain and delay the inevitable because they work from this false premise.

An IC can help clear this thinking. Please consider it.

Good luck!

Constantly afraid. I am so very sorry that you have had to find yourself here. But this is a wonderful group of supportive people that have been my total rock for the last 10 months. You have come to the right place.

Please be gentle with yourself. I agree with all the advice given, looking after yourself and IC is a complete must. IC saved me and gave me strength. Out of all the advice I could give IC was my saviour. There are charities if funds are an issue- just please get some support for yourself.

It must be a complete shock for you. A horrible shock, you are likely still in the shock stage. I was for many months. My ex had an EA and I thought he was my best friend and trusted him completely. I have been where you are.

20+ women is extreme. It suggests that he has some very big issues.

Look after you right now. Friends, healthy food, IC. I know from my own experience that it is very hard when you are dealing with trauma. You are in the raw of it right now.

My thoughts are with you and I am sending you strength. Focus on you, and look at his actions and not his words. Xx

He is such an amazing partner in so many other ways, supportive, kind, strong and so so loving, he would do anything for me.

Except not cheat on you. And just saying - "strong" people don't cheat on their SO's or go on dating sites when they are in a committed relationship. "Kind" people don't have emotional affairs. "Amazing" partners don't hurt their partners and give them the horrible emotional pain that comes along with infidelity. "Supportive" partners don't tear their SO's down like that, EVER.

Not married and no kids? Girl, RUN. This doesn't get better.

He is such an amazing partner in so many other ways, supportive, kind, strong and so so loving, he would do anything for me.

Except be faithful. Cheating is indicative of a lack of respect for you, and that's not love. You sound similar to domestic violence victims who say "he's so wonderful, he does xyz, if only he'd stop beating me." Both are abuse. Identifying abusers is difficult because they can be so kind and have all these other excellent qualities, but your partner is still emotionally abusing you. Unless you are going to willingly tolerate the cheating, you cannot stay with this man. I know you love him, I do, and I empathize with that. But the cold hard fact is he is a serial cheater who will not stop, stopping is something he will not do for you.

[Yes, he was cheating throughout the entire relationship, but not physically. He was always very transparent about his whereabouts, but he was constantly talking and sending illicit videos, pictures and messages to many other women, often while being in the same room as me. He was also using a dating site.]

This sounds similar to my STBXH. Except I know for a fact the only reason his affair was emotional and not physical is because AP turned down his request for sex. He also claimed he went on a dating site (lying that he was married with a kid) was to find friends to play sports with and texted his AP while lying down next to our DD while she slept.

Like others have said - and what I used to think about my STBXH (he was 300% supportive and let me have my way with everything and seems to care for DD - minus betraying her mother in the worst way possible), your WS is an amazing partner - with the exception of being loyal and honest. I can also tell you he is likely also physically cheating on you.

Run. You are better than this.

Welcome constantlyafraid.

I'm glad you've taken steps to remove yourself from a harmful situation and take the time to evaluate your next steps.

Just remember that couple's therapy and trust exercises are like putting a cast on the wrong leg. He didn't cheat because of a lack of trust. There's a lack of trust because he's cheating.

This does sound like addictive behavior and it's definitely not something he can stop by learning to trust you more. It's much deeper and more complicated than that.

You don't have to know what you want to do yet. I would definitely recommend getting your own therapist.

To expand on HardKnocks' point: you didn't fail; your relationship didn't fail; he failed. He's the one who needs fixing, and the only one who can fix him is himself. Since he can't get himself to do what he says he wants on his own, he needs help - probably the help of a good IC.

IDK ... R is theoretically possible, but it will almost definitely take him a long time to change from betrayer to good partner, and he may never succeed in changing. Is he so very special that he's worth that much time? Probably not - most of us average, a little above, or a little below.

If you want help processing the feelings that come with being betrayed, a good IC is one way. If you can't break off with this guy even if you think you should, a good IC can help. You're the prize. He isn't. If you don't comprehend that, a good IC can help you see that truth.

But you can't fix this - or any - relationship on your own. He has to do his work. So far, all he has done is use words to appease you. You get to and must decide how much more of your time you'll give him.