SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a long time since I joined this board in 2015. I came here in an enormous amount of pain and desperate to save my marriage. I made excuses for XH and tried to explain away his behavior. I used words like "fog" and "midlife crises" to define and understand his nastiness. In the end I came to the realization that he cheated because he wanted to. He wanted to chase the feeling of "falling in love" instead of upholding his vows and taking care of his family.

I ignored his behavior and tried every form of reconciliation I could dig up. I dragged us to two Gottman certified therapists and they both informed me he was not showing any signs of wanting to save our marriage. I took us to Retrouville and he actively sabotaged it, I even showed up to the aftercare meetings alone. I spent $$$ on Divorce Busting coaching and twisted myself into a pretzel to make myself an acceptable and interesting spouse. I thought I had accomplished my goal when, two weeks from a default divorce in my favor, XH begged to try again. So I did. He still did very little to work on himself. I made myself try all his hobbies and listen more than speak. He would have weeks of mediocre behavior followed by nitpicking everything I did and say. At one point he even criticized my way of speaking and walking, apparently I wasn't delicate and lady-like enough.

I decided I wanted another child and we went through three rounds of IVF and I got pregnant with twins. It was vey high risk and I went to a LOT of appointments. I went to a viability scan after a large bleed and beforehand he picked a fight and didn't come. Afterward he stone walled me for weeks. I realized I witnessed this behavior before when I was pregnant and checked his text info. He was sexting a coworker. It was like a switch flipped off and never turned back on again. I showed my cards and texted him he could stay with OW and not bother coming back home. Of course he came home very late that night and tried to apologize the next morning.

I went through my pregnancy without any support from him but plenty from friends. He decided not to come to the c-section and go to work. My closest friend was there instead. I filed for divorce the week my last baby came home from the NICU and held steady. As of Wednesday we are divorced and I am...blank. I feel sadness for my children because despite my best efforts, I couldn't bring them up in a two parent home. But I feel mostly nothing towards him. We are cordial to each other and he appears to want to co-parent in peace but this divorce is still fresh. Only time will tell if he will be consistent.

Would I go back and do things differently? I am not sure, I have these amazing babies and feel blessed. I definitely would've had stronger boundaries and made it clear I would not stand for being treated like crap. I probably would've gone through with the first divorce filing and made him "work his way back" to winning me. In the end I am happy and content, my life is the way I want it. I will continue to work with my ex to keep things as peaceful for our children as possible.

You did the right thing by deciding your children deserve to be in a home without lies and cheating and chaos.

You realized you were in a one sided relationship anyway. It’s good you realized it now.

Hi
We have been through something similar !

H left me while pregnant and put a lot into attempting to reconcile but he now has got OW pregnant so that’s it from my point of view

I am sorry you feel blank but it sounds like life is better after divorce

The end is often a fizzle, but that is okay. Save your energy for those twins.

Congratulations on your new life, officially divorced.

OP how are you

I am doing well, thank you for asking. The first dday I was completely shattered and barely hanging on by a thread. But dday #2 was a completely different experience. I felt cold and still inside. I was in control immediately and had a laser beam focus on my goal, which was to get out of this dead marriage.

When I say I feel blank I mean that I feel meh. I don't have any attachment to XH. The thought of being with me repulses me. I can be cordial and even kind to him but I don't feel any fondness or longing. I am at peace.

I’ve heard getting to "Meh" is the right place to be
On c h u m p lady website
You sound really strong and rather amazing

Hi Takatsubo! As a fellow twin mother, let me give you a HUGE pat on the back for making such clear-headed decisions under such circumstances. My postpartum experience was brutal and I can’t imagine how I could’ve survived it without my husband; the fact that you’re pulling through on your own is quite a feat!

It seems that you’re at peace because you know you did everything that you could. And now with 2 little ones that desperately need you, and after the miserable way he treated you after the birth of your last child, you are simply out of fucks to give.

Feel free to PM if you need to vent, are up late with multiple feedings, and want to commiserate about twin mommy stuff. :-)

Takatsubo, Congratulations on those precious babies! Well done!

From your description, getting away from their father was the best gift you could give them. He chose not to support you in pregnancy of the twins and not even to be there for their birth! He was never going to be the kind of father you'd want in a two-parent marriage.

Thank you for sharing your painful story for doing so serves as a warning for others. I cannot image going through seven years of this hell and yet, after 10 months of my own seedy story, I see how the drama could be allowed to play out over and over, for years.

Kiss those babies for me and allow that love to heal your broken heart.