SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@brkn_heartd

Thank you so much for checking in. My relative--it's actually my mom. It's so painful it's hard to type. She is doing worse than ever and I am frankly shocked she is still alive and I cried in front of her which I had been trying so hard not to. I had asked him to go out for the night and he was going to, but when I got home from mom I was so upset I laid in bed and cried about mom and didn't want to be left alone. I actually asked him to stay. All we did was watch TV on the couch and I told him not to bring up anything of ours. So we didn't. His presence was comforting at that time, I just needed to feel some equilibrium.

But the past two days we communicated about it and in between trying to say how sorry he is that I am hurt, that horseshit of an apology, he is doing all the DARVO bullshit. So I am talking to a lawyer today. I am just heartbroken and devastated.

You are SO far ahead of where I was at this point girl. I'm clapping for you over here!

Divorce is not the worst thing. The worst thing is staying in a marriage where you feel devalued and unloved and unloveable. The worst thing is wasting more of your precious time trying to bail water from the sinking boat. Early on in my process, I was so scared of getting a divorce but let me tell you that it was the absolute BEST decision I ever made for myself. The mechanics of getting divorced sucked, but as soon as my cheater was gone my life got so calm and peaceful. And whadda ya know, but not being with someone that treated me like crap made me feel so much better emotionally and mentally. Like better than I ever even thought possible.

Get through this rough spot and your life will be so much better than you can even conceive of right now, I promise you.

I am so sorry about your mom too. That would be awful anyways, but is even more so that you're dealing with that on top of all this too. You will get through it though, I have no doubt.

OMG EllieKMAS and everyone here, just thank you. I really need and respond to this encouragement. I feel so alone. Only person who knows besides here is my therapist. I can't speak the words to anyone because I will go to pieces if I try to and then it takes a long time for me to pick myself up. Which I literally cannot afford to do at work.

The question was, who regretted getting divorced. No one did but a bunch regretted NOT getting divorced.

How you get thru this is triage. What is the paramount need right now. The lawyer. Once you have handed over paper work see a dr. You probably need temporary meds for anxiety and depression. Have std tests done. Look in your community for a support group of other bs. If you don’t know how to find one ask someone who runs AA. They might know. You need people in your community to give you support but this forum is always available.

Just remember to do the first thing, then the second and so on. Trying to think about all of it will exhaust you and you are already stressed.

Sending hugs!

You might try a Divorce Care group or similar support group. You will be among people who are grieving in the same way you are, and there will be a lot of practical advice with that.

Cat

You're actually doing amazing and I'm impressed. I love that you are taking your space and just dealing with this. I also commend you for divorcing. You will never regret leaving a cheater. That does not mean that it is easy by any means. I am going through the same thing right now although this is now the second (really 700th) time he's cheated on me. But we separated for a year and then were working towards R. I don't regret trying R. I did a lot of work on myself and I know that I put my all into making it work. But ultimately, I'd wished I'd just walked away.

I was honestly happy the year we were apart. I did sometimes feel lonely like something was missing, BUUUUTTTT... I did also have a lot of joy. You got this girl!

Thank you all for sharing your guidance and histories.

I wrote him a lot of angry texts yesterday, because my voice WILL be heard and it's harder for him to gaslight me via that medium. I spoke to another lawyer yesterday and am processing that information. I plan to talk to a third one and then have my first conversation with my husband about divorcing. Until then, I am holding on really having any kind of 1:1 talk with WH because it is completely enraging and futile.

@ Cooley2here, I am already on the highest dose of the only anti-depressant I can tolerate and have been for years--melancholic depression runs in my family of origin. I am scared to think of what I would be like not on that miracle drug right now. I am afraid to add an anti-anxiety drug but I am considering it.

@Catwoman, thank you for that suggestion. I didn't know there were such support groups.

@ shewp, thank you for sharing this because it gives me a view of what I might be in for up ahead if I don't divorce. A lot of the reason why I don't want to stay is that the marriage overall just hasn't been good but it is SO HARD to give up the grounding force of a family, even in-laws, when you are so isolated. I have work, friends and outside activities, but my family of origin is a band of jackals. They are literally waiting for my mom to pass so they can come after me with lawsuits for their "inheritances" as they did four years ago when my father died.

Even before this recent discovery happened, I felt there was too much sadness/stress in my life. Now it's a pile-on but I will get through one step at a time. Thank you everyone.

I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. That being said one of the pieces of info I have run across is about anxiety. It seems to be the underlying emotion that brings about depression.
Look at what you wrote. You have relatives who want your money. You have a cheating spouse. Either one of those can unearth your hidden anxiety.

I have a friend who went on medicine for depression and her life still went off the rails. The dr changed the meds and she is much better. Something to think about.

I feel like it is too overwhelming for me to say right now, "I want a divorce" even though I do. So In the next few days, I am going to ask my H to just leave the home as soon as possible so I can sleep at night and work on my own healing. It was my home that I purchased before I knew him so I am not leaving. I hope he leaves without giving me too much of an issue although I know that is wishful thinking. If he digs in and refuses, then I guess I will have him served and go from there. I don't want reconciliation given his bullshit. He is not a safe partner for me.

Hi everyone. I hate that I am still here, stuck in the exact same place. I did research and talked to a couple of lawyers but I haven't been able to start the divorce. I'm holding myself back and hate myself for it.

I was obsessed with knowing everything and I finally did actually recover all his texts on Sunday because he's too stupid to know about "recover recently deleted." They were so cutesy-poo and stupid they made me want to vomit. They are both assholes.

But I don't know why I am so stalled here. Has anyone had this problem? I am in therapy because I do have a history of trauma, but I'm wondering if I am going to be stuck in shitty things forever because of that history. Being aware of it and digging into it with her hasn't helped yet.

It's somewhat normal because of the trauma. I watched a YouTube video by Dr. Ramani a short time ago on dissociation that explained that your brain on trauma does whacky things. One thing she was discussing was that your brain can literally get to the place where you don't know what to think, can't think, etc. The trauma is so overwhelming that the brain just nopes out. You may even feel like you're having an out-of-body experience.

It took me over a year to get to the place where I could think about it. I could see that XWH wasn't doing the work to be a safe partner. Around 18 months, XWH crossed a hard boundary and I was done and started the road to D.

Don't be hard on yourself because that just adds to your anxiety. When you're ready, you're ready.

You have very little evidence. Are you sure jumping to divorce may be a little premature. Your extra stress of your relatives condition and the anti-depressants can cloud your judgement.

One of the things that we very seldom actually go into depth about here but we should is the issue of power plays by self-centered people. He might enjoy turning you down for sex, gaslighting you, hiding his phone, and generally just being obnoxious. The problem with this is nobody expects it from someone they love so they’re knee-deep in the crazy and at that point they act crazy. What you need to do, if possible, is detach yourself from everything about him. There’s a term that is used called gray rocking. It means that you are never in the room with him and when you are you’re so dull and boring that he has nothing to play off of. It means that you no longer show any interest in him what so ever. And it means that you don’t allow your body to give messages to him like sighing or shrugging or crying or being miserable because he is still going to get off on that. Just pretend he’s not there if it all possible and stay as far away from him as you can. Gray rocks in the driveway are almost never noticed. That is who you need to be.

Take yourself out of the relationship. Stay gone as much as possible. Use an attorney. Btw, see if you can evict him legally. In my state a cop will provide the paper and then he would have thirty days. If he is a jackass ask your atty what you can do to get him out. A poster on here said she has enjoyed her ex being gone.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:33 PM, Wednesday, February 8th]

kaliom -
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Do you know who the woman is? Does she have a spouse? How long have they been schmoozing? Does that coincide with when he stopped sleeping with you? Regardless this is an EA and PA, when there’s opportunity and you say he was gone for hours with her, sexual activity was involved.

At this point you are in self imposed purgatory. Do you want to stay married to him? If so, it’s time to confront. And inform her spouse if she has one. If not, just ask him to leave and file and if there’s an OBS send them the texts and they can do with that info what they want. Or third option is to keep suffering.

If you do want to stay married, you have to be willing to lose the relationship, otherwise you’ll lose it anyway. But you say that the marriage already wasn’t the best, does he abuse you in other ways? What Cooley theorized, do you think that may be true? In that case I would say ask him to leave without delay.

I’m not a big proponent of reconciliation, infidelity is abuse and if your husband was smacking you around no one reasonable would be encouraging you to stay. But there’s people on this site who have successfully reconciled so I suppose it’s possible. They can give you more advice in that area.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what does your therapist have to say? I know very little, like almost nothing about you, but is it possible you stay just out of familiarity, particularly given your history of abuse, and fear of an unknown future?

You're ready when you're ready.

No shame or weakness in taking your time. You are still reeling, and that's ok. Get some real life support from your close friends. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, stay away from booze.

Hi everybody. I deeply appreciate all the responses and I read them multiple times.

To answer the questions, the OW is single and they have known each other more than a year. Infrequent sex has been a problem for literally our entire 10-year marriage, but it worsened considerably the past few years. He never initiated sex but he refused my initiations with myriad excuses.

The problem with this is nobody expects it from someone they love so they’re knee-deep in the crazy and at that point they act crazy.

It was a striking thing to read but I do think Cooley may be right.

We were in marital therapy some years ago and I told him I wanted a divorce b/c of the sexlessness. He acknowledged the lack of sex, that he knew it hurt me, and that he would do better and also that he would come with me to marital therapy whenever I wanted. But he quit the therapy and the sexual commitment.

When I confront him about this now, he says that "it's two-way" and when I counter that I am not the one who rebuffs sexual advances, he says that it is because we lack an emotional connection and he doesn't like the way I talk to him. That I "attack" him and we have bad communication. But I have never called him names and I barely raise my voice. Yes, of course I have lost my temper a few times in 10 years. He makes it seem like a daily occurrence. He says that he does not trust me because of my temper and because I have said I wanted a divorce a few times.

I mean, aren't these things only human and understandable given the circumstances? I think this is a gaslight and his way of evading accountability, but I admit that hearing these things make me feel bad, wonder if he may be right and doubt myself more.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what does your therapist have to say? I know very little, like almost nothing about you, but is it possible you stay just out of familiarity, particularly given your history of abuse, and fear of an unknown future?

I actually kept going to the marital therapist individually when he quit the MC so she is my IC now. She does agree with staying because it feels familiar with my abuse history. My dad abused my mom, and I was sexually abused by another family member.

She does also say what others have said here about being gentle with self. I just don't understand how I can know this stuff intellectually yet still be so vulnerable to his manipulation and being so stuck here.

I have only told one friend and the MC. I feel so ashamed about the situation I just can't bear to share it on a wider scale.

I thank everyone for their very thoughtful input.

From what I am reading he sets you up and plays "gotcha". Please read the book GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. It’s an old book, never out of print, explaining mind games people play. It’s very eye-opening. When going to marriage counseling with you he was going to give it way too much power, that’s why he quit. You keep trying to make sense of a senseless man. The best thing you can do is get away from him. He is not good for you mentally or physically.

Cooley is right on the money. Your husband is an abusive manipulator. Why don’t you at least ask for a separation? See how you feel with space. And I really think you should start consulting attorneys, just in case.

Thank you both. I am trying, trying, trying to gather the strength to ask for that. If anyone prays, please pray for me. This is so much harder than I thought.

Don’t discuss the divorce with him. Just have the lawyer serve him with the paper. Keep it professional and business-like. It’s an emotional roller coaster, but it is also a dissolution of a legal agreement. Focus there.