SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just discovered this website and so thankful it exists. Not sure where to start but I'll start from the beginning. I just need to know if what my wife says is true.

Seven months ago my wife (27 yrs) and I (31 yrs) worked at the same job and my boss hired his troubled nephew to work there also. I didn't like this guy from the start and after some time, my wife all of a sudden tells me they have a "brother and sister" kind of relationship. I didn't even know how that is possible unless they were spending more time together than I knew about. I then tell her I didn't want her talking with him and she agreed. Shortly after I quit and go elsewhere for work.

Fast forward and my wife is getting home later, immediately showers when she got home and acting very off. I knew something was going on. Then one night she says she's going out and I told her I didn't like that and that I was tired off her going out and leaving me and my five-year-old son at home. She tells me she is going out and she is going to enjoy her evening. I go to sleep but wake up at 0130 and she is still not home. I finally had enough because I knew something was up and I texted her saying I wanted a divorce (maybe overreacted but was tired and fed up)

She texts, not calls back, saying "what because I go out with friends"? You would think if your spouse said they wanted a divorce you would call them. She said she was at a friends and didn't want to come home but she came home and reeked of alcohol. I asked her who she was with and why she wouldn't come home and she said because she didn't want to put up with me about saying how I don't like her out drinking. She passes out because she is so wasted. I was planning on sleeping on the couch and she was in bed. I go in to talk with her but she's out so I grab her phone and see that she made to outgoing calls to this co-worker around 0130. I immediately wake her up and ask her why she would call him. I get the whole "I didn't call him" and "I don't remember that". Seriously, its right there in her call log. I also noticed her Snapchat was deleted and asked her why and she says "I don't know". She keeps denying it all so I leave the house and have her phone with me. I re-download Snapchat and it logged in automatically. I see that she had a group chat with others from work and this co-worker was in there and also tagged as a favorite. My wife had two videos of him on her page but their text thread was deleted.

So I go back home and wake her up and ask her, did you cheat on me, she says yes, I ask with who, she says with this co-worker. I can't believe I had the strength to do this but I said I was willing to work this out if she 1) quit her job and 2) cut all ties with people from work because they are horrible people. She sits there for what seemed like forever and doesn't give me an answer so I leave.

I don't remember at what point, because I hadn't slept in four days, we had this conversation but...

She tells me that one day he approaches her and said he had feelings for her and she responded by saying she had feelings for him and he kisses her and she kisses back. She then says she pushed him away saying this is wrong we can't do this. She claims she cut off all communication with him for two weeks until they understood they could only be "friends".

With that being said, she also admits to all of this: She liked the attention he gave her, compliments, liked her ideas, funny, etc.

Pre-kiss: It was her idea to talk with him via Snapchat even though she knew I didn't want her talking with him. She would delete the app before coming home and redownload it when back at work. She would go out to the bars with this co-worker but always said it wasn't just with him, it was with her other co-workers as well. She admits to talking about personal stuff with him and he would tell her she needed to divorce me. She would send selfies of herself to him via snapchat. She even, on my birthday, had me, my wife and this co-worker go to a bar. I didn't want to seem like an A-hole so I went. All the while by this time they were secretly chatting via Snapchat. Even brought me golfing with him during their secret chatting. She admitted to picturing herself in a relationship with him and had feelings for him and so forth.

Post kiss: She says nothing physical happened after kissing him She says she kept talking to him so that she didn't want to make work awkward and that she enjoyed his friendship. She goes out to two trade shows out of town and I didn't know at the time but I guess this co-worker went as well and was at the same hotel. She claims nothing happened. She continued going to the bars with this co-worker there. Went bowling with him and others. So on and so forth.

I asked her if she would have ever told me she kisses someone else and she says no. She said she hated herself for kissing him but yet continued talking with him. She insists that nothing else happened other than talking with him and kissing him. Oh I forgot to mention the day I found out she cheated on me, she yells in my face that he was her best friend when she has never called me her best friend. She said I lacked giving her my time and attention which lead her to find it elsewhere. I agree to a degree but I did more than she leads others to believe.

Here is my question, I can probably get over the emotional affair and I can get over the kiss because throwing away seven years of marriage and having a five-year-old isn't worth it, but in everyone's personal opinion, can't I trust her that she didn't sleep with this individual?

It's been over a month since I found out, we are trying to work things out and she is working on herself, but here is the catch, she is pregnant and we have been trying for five years. She said the kiss happened months ago and they never did anything ever since. I have had my hard days where I say I can't do this and need to split apart and she does everything she can to prevent that. So is it possible she did not sleep with him? She keeps telling me no but I just can't believe her and its eating at me all day everyday because she had every opportunity but she says she would never cross that line (even though she crosses every other line).

Has anyone else had an EA with a kiss and that be all? Is that even possible?

Note: she also tells me she never stopped loving me and I was still important to her and she was so thirsty for my time and attention she would stoop so low to cheat on me with this guy but tells me she enjoyed his friendship and wanted nothing physical. Not sure if that makes a difference.

Edit, I brought up the polygraph deal and she was incredible hesitant. After a dozen times of asking why, she said “because I did” and I said did what? Apparently she gave him a hand job and she says that’s all. I say ok let’s take the polygraph to make sure and she seems much more willing. Do I take her at her word and believe that’s all? I honestly feel so sick right now. But I figure if that’s it why hide anything else. She said she did it because she wanted to feel needed and wanted. She admits she was basically used.

Edit 2: after I said I set up a polygraph test (which was false, we don’t even have one in town) she admitted everything up to the point of walking out the door to this fake appointment. Kissed, hand job and sex multiple times. For anyone else going through this, she really did do everything they say a cheater does. But now for the tough decision, I’m going to get hate for this but oh well, seeing as I am a Christian, I am called to love my wife the same way Christ loves us. Therefore I am choosing to stay and work it out for the sake of the house we built, our marriage and importantly our five year old son. Believe me, I’m completely broken but my family is more important than my feelings. Who knows if she has changed. I don’t know, but she admitted the worst and therefore I can start to believe what she says. Side note, I don’t know if the baby is mine yet or not, but if it’s not, I will raise that child as if it were my own because that child is innocent and that POS doesn’t deserve to have that child. Those that think this is a terrible mistake, just ask yourself, are YOU worth fighting for? Are YOU worth it? If you think yes, than my wife is worth it. We are not defined by our mistakes. I’ve certainly made plenty of those. Again, I’m in terrible pain, hurt and completely numb. I know this won’t be easy but those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed.

[This message edited by CameronL at 9:19 PM, Wednesday, January 25th]

Whatever your WW is saying is right out of the cheater's handbook. We only kissed once and nothing else. From what you wrote they have ample of opportunity to have sex, especially when they went on the trade show together. She said that she didn't know that the OM will be there, but I bet you they planned it in advance. Your WW is minimizing the truth. There's a lot more to to this story. Please do not rug sweep this and hold her accountable for her actions.

Hi CameronL,

If there is one thing I learnt is that ALWAYS trust your gut. It never fails you. When you know something is off it probably is. If you believe she cheated on you and it sounds like you have the evidence especially coming home late and deleting things then most like she has cheated on you physically with him. I know its hard to believe that she would never do that and cross those boundaries but if the opportunity arises and two people seem to have the same mutual feelings do you think they can stop themselves? You have to trust your instincts. Trust me when I say I should have trust mine. I think alot of others will say the same thing. Its never failed them.

I think also you may need to do a paternity test.

I think we can all have our own opinions and say yes or no on whether she has cheated but you will need to be able to see it yourself. Two adults who have kissed are in the same hotel together and are out of town for two days? Red flags for sure.

One other thing I have learnt is that Cheaters lie and they lie and they continue to lie until they get lost in their lies start believing that these lies are their truths. Keep prompting her and see if her story changes. Most likely she would have forgotten the lies and you will be able to catch her out. I asked a million questions and alot of them were very similar questions. All because i wanted to see if the story changed. If she chooses not to answer it then she may be lying.

I know this is extremely difficult. Right now you need to look after yourself and your 5 year old. Try to stay calm. I know its easier said then done. Also until you have the truth you cannot work on your marriage. You must not rugsweep. Do not brush it under the carpet.

No it’s not possible.

I would bet the farm she slept with him.

This is going to be hard to take but the 1 thing you need is a paternity test immediately.

You have to do it. The sooner the better. You don’t want to be invested months during pregnancy to find out later.

Don’t risk it.

You need to set up a polygraph immediately. She cannot hold on to that secret.

It will tear you apart but she will not be able to return to the marriage if she is holding on to such a big secret.

Such a big secret will always hang over your relationship.

She needs to write out a timeline of the affair immediately. Tell her you will check her against it with the polygraph examiner.

Did she quit her job? That is not optional.

She can never speak breathe the same air or make eye contact with that human being ever again.

This is the tough part. Your marriage and family may be over. You can fight for it but you may have to accept it.

You need to talk to a lawyer. Don’t tell her just do it. You don’t need to file for divorce. But you do need to know what your rights are as not knowing all out options and outcomes can keep you mentally stuck.

Others will be a long soon. I’m so sorry

She was so thirsty for your time she brought him on YOUR birthday.

You wanted her to stay home and she told you basically screw you I wanna go out with my friends.

Sounds like she was trying so hard.

What bulls$&t.

You need to not let her get away with that crap.

Hi CameronL,

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation but glad you found us. You're definitely in the right place.

Please know that no matter what she tells you about why she cheated, none of this is your fault. Contrary to popular belief, people don't cheat because of problems in the marriage or because of lack of attention or not-enough sex or because their spouse leaves their socks on the floor and the toilet seat up, Waywards cheat because they have poor boundaries and they like the dopamine hit/ego boost they get when they receive attention from others.

To answer your question directly, obviously none of us can say for sure whether your wife slept with him or not because we were not there. That said, I think you are probably correct in trusting your gut instinct that there is probably more to your wife's story than she is telling you. The sad reality is that most cheaters lie and it is typical for newly found out Waywards to minimize the extent of their cheating when found out. "It was only a kiss," often turns into "okay, it was several makeouts but no sex" which then turns into, "Okay, we had sex, but it was just once" and that ends up being, "we had sex multiple times." Again, I have never met your wife so I cannot say for sure, but in most cases, adults in physical affairs, who have had access and opportunity to have sex (for example, hotel rooms), do.

It is normal and natural for you to want the answers to your questions. In fact, I would encourage you NOT to commit to R until, at the very least, you are satisfied that your wife is being open and honest with you. That doesn't mean you have to divorce her this instant, but it makes sense not to jump into anything until you have got a lay of the land. I imagine that the fact that she is currently pregnant right now only adds to the urgency of having this question answered, due to paternity concerns. Has she offered to have a paternity test? I believe it can be done as early as 9 weeks doing a simple blood test. A paternity test wont prove that she's telling the truth about her cheating though, it will only establish that you are the biological father of the baby.

Another option that is open to you is to ask whether she is prepared to take a polygraph test. I know that probably sounds like something out of a spy movie or a police show, but depending on where you live, there are private polygraph examiners that will administer a polygraph test. It typically runs you a couple hundred dollars and you get to ask a handful of yes or no questions. Often a WS's reaction to the suggestion of a polygraph is remorseful BS with nothing to hide would jump at the chance to "prove" that they are telling the truth. If she balks or refuses citing the lack of reliability, well, you may have reason to be concern.

Outside of this issue, you mention that your wayward wife is "working on herself". What has that entailed? Has she gone NC (no-contact) with the AP (affair partner)? Has she got herself into individual counselling (IC) in order to work out what enabled her to risk blowing up her family? Has she given you passwords to her email and access to her location/phone/snapchat? FYI, if she has her location turned on in her phone google maps has a way of tracking your historical locations. Might be useful for confirming where she was all those nights she said she out drinking at a bar.

I know this can seem like an awful lot at once and that we're talking about someone you love an awful lot. Please know that we've been through this before and every one of us knows how much this hurts.

I didn

't like this guy from the start and after some time, my wife all of a sudden tells me they have a "brother and sister" kind of relationship. I didn't even know how that is possible unless they were spending more time together than I knew about. I then tell her I didn't want her talking with him and she agreed.

She tells me she is going out and she is going to enjoy her evening. I go to sleep but wake up at 0130 and she is still not home. I finally had enough because I knew something was up and I texted her saying I wanted a divorce (maybe overreacted but was tired and fed up)

She texts, not calls back, saying "what because I go out with friends"?

She tells me that one day he approaches her and said he had feelings for her and she responded by saying she had feelings for him and he kisses her and she kisses back. She then says she pushed him away saying this is wrong we can't do this. She claims she cut off all communication with him for two weeks until they understood they could only be "friends".

These paragrpahs don't align in any reality. She agreed to not communicate. BUt somehow got to the point of kissing him. Then backed off for two weeks. Then when she stayed out to 1:30 and after you texted that you wanted a divorce she calls him (how long on phone? That will be on the bill) but just texts you. That call was likely either to line up their stories or see if she could make the leap to his tree and was rejected.

Please see this for what it is. She was dating him while you were just a roommate and babysitter. That is what makes sense for the details you posted. If she was truly upset that they kissed, she wouldn't be putting herself in positions to cross boundaries again. Instead they continued to date which leads to one of our maxims, adults don't just kiss. Safe to assume they have slept together unless there is definitive proof otherwise.

Paternity test both kids as soon as possible.
See a lawyer.
Limit drinking.
Excercise.
Do what's right for you and your kids without regard to her well being. She certainly didn't have her family in mind when she went down this road.

CameronL, I wouldn’t believe your wife, not one bit. Tell her you’ve scheduled a polygraph and see what her reaction is. If she maintains her story, book one and stick to it.

Unfortunately, this is an A typical story when caught. Only a kiss, then we touched, but over cloths, then handjob, no finishing, etc….

If you’ve read other posts, you have probably seen the same story.

I’m very sorry.

I don't comment much anymore but as everyone has said it is very highly extremely likely that she has had sex with him, especially with that attitude towards you and the feelings she has for him and the many opportunities they have had together including the late nights out and the work trip in the same hotel, etc...

As a general rule always trust your gut. It knows. Also the rest of us here have been through this. We know. We know what cheaters say and what they do and how they act. We have been down this road many times and there are so many common similarities to the point we call it a cheater's handbook. Your wife is reading from the script in the cheater's handbook. There is much more to the story than she is telling you.

My wife denied anything was going on, then said I didn't give her enough attention, that they were just friends, that he was her best friend but she would never do anything, he was like a brother, blah blah blah. Let me just fast forward to the end of my story. She was having sex with him for months and they were meeting up any chance they could and lying about it the whole time.

Those of us who have been through it know how we bargain with ourselves, can't believe it, can't believe our spouse would ever do anything like that, no, never, they couldn't, we just have to believe them, they would never lie to us, would they? Yes, they would, and they will, and they do. A lot.

Forget about the obvious sexual cheating for a minute. Who erases Snapchat but then re-downloads it then erases it but then re-downloads it again? Who can only be bothered to just TEXT you back when you ask for a DIVORCE at 1:30 in the morning but has no problem CALLING their boyfriend two times? But only texts you, their husband? What does the evidence say about where their loyalty lies? What does the evidence of her behavior say about her respect and love for you, or lack thereof?

Anyone can say they love you. It's only words. Who cares. It is their actions and behavior and how they make you feel and how they should be treating you with respect and not doing things to make you feel unsafe and unloved. They should not be putting you in positions to question their loyalty. They should be willing to move heaven and earth to make you feel loved. They should not hide things and lie to you and erase things off their phone and delete conversations and scream in your face that their boyfriend is their best friend. That is not a wife. Hell that is not even a good friend or a good person to have in your life. You deserve better than to be treated like that from the very person who promised to put you above all others and forsake all others.

I understand you have a child so you are willing to tolerate a shit show and believe and hope for the best. But what actual work is being done to confess everything to you. to be open with you, to let you know everything so you can make an informed choice and so that you can even begin to heal your heart?

Anyway, we care about you here. We want what is best for you. We are here to support you in whatever you decide. We are here to help guide you through. Take what applies to you and leave the rest. It is your life and only you can know what you want to do and what you will accept. Most of us never get the full truth. We only get trickle truth if we are lucky. It is exhausting. As you said you did not sleep for four days. All because of her behavior. True love does not behave like that.

I wish you all the best on this crappy journey of heartbreak. Hopefully you are able to find some peace. It sucks. We have all been there. Lean on us.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 4:56 AM, Wednesday, January 25th]

You have hit the tip of the iceberg. If you care to stay with her you need to dig.

Check credit card and bank history. Check cell phone logs. Get a voice activated recorded (VAR) and GPS tracking for her car. A paternity test is also a must.

She has been lying for a long time. She is most likely still lying.

Do not tell her about this site. Sending strength brother. This is the hardest thing you will ever experience in your life.

((((CameronL)))) <--- hugs to you

Did she sleep with him? I would bet anything that she did. Why else would she need to shower when she got home? Why else would she balk at the poly??

She sounds very immature. Nothing you did or did not say or do caused her to cheat, so please do not take any 'credit' for cheating. Is she perfect? No. Did you cheat? Double no.

You don't have to decide anything at this point. You might want to consult with a few lawyers (L) to see what divorce (D) would look like in your situation. Some Ls will give a free initial consult. Don't tell her that you are doing this.

Keep a contemporaneous diary of her excuses and time away from the family. This can be helpful during any potential custody dispute. It can also help you to remember exactly what happened and when, when she tries to gaslight you.

And please take care of yourself - drink water, eat healthy food, try to sleep, get some exercise / movement.

Keep posting, we've got your back.

((((CameronL))))

It’s highly likely they had intercourse, not only a hand job. She’s already lied to you. So yes, get the poly done immediately.

Okay first and foremost, if she’s pregnant just what in hell is she doing drinking to get wasted all the time? Are she and you happy with the idea of raising a kid with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

Secondly, get a pre-natal paternity blood test done. That will probably tell you all you need to know. Then, just to rub it in do a paternity test on your five year old. That just might get her attention to what she has done to your soon to be dead marriage.

I don't have a lot to add, except for the following:

(A) You need to get tested for STDs. So does your wife. What you said about her showering when she got home from work is very suspect. Unless she has a very physical job where she gets sweaty and dirty, was she getting rid of the evidence of sex? Very seldom do cheaters use protection and this guy sounds like a player. Who else would go for a married woman?

(B) Whatever she admitted to, you need to do some basic math and multiply what she said by 10X or 100X. As someone mentioned cheaters lie, then lie on the lies, then lie some more, then create new lies, etc.

(C) Have her complete a timeline in her handwriting. Have her include what you want to learn, such as:

... When did she first develop feelings for him?

... Who made the first move toward the other one?

... You said he told her that she should divorce you; just what did she tell him about you for him to say that? (She does not respect you, because whatever she told him about you was very disrespectful. In the past I have read that women want attention and love from their husbands... a man wants respect from his wife. Without respect your foundation for a successful marriage is weak).

... Whatever they did from a romantic, sexual standpoint. Include a PG version and a XXX version... whatever you feel you can handle.

... Tell her to take her time in completing this timeline to make sure it included everything, Because It Will Be Verified by the Polygraph.

(D) With respect to the Polygraph... Bigger is a moderator here. He used to work in law enforcement and is very familiar with this technique. He has said in the past, polygraphs will not reveal what she did; however, they will reveal if she is being honest. Just know this now... you will never learn all of the details of what they did.

(E) Tell her you are going to DNA test your 5 year old. Tell her that you don't want your name on the newborn's birth certificate without a DNA test. Tell her that her credibility with you now is very low. Watch her reaction.

Lastly, at the top of this page is the Healing Library. Included in the Articles is a very excellent Tactical Primer for those out have just Found Out. Lots of good information. Below is the link.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/tactical-primer/

You sound like a decent guy and we are all pulling for you and rooting for you, regardless of whatever decision you arrive on to do about your marriage. We all want you to survive this and get out of infidelity.

Cameron

Can I paint what might be a worst-case scenario? I really want you to read this, but to not focus on it but rather the other content I’m sharing:
In reading between the lines I see a concern in your post about paternity.

As a married couple in most states/countries you are assumed the father of the child. A single mom or unmarried couple are asked to name the father and even might have the option to refuse to do so. As a married man your name is automatically put on the certificate.

In legalese the word "father" has a different meaning than in "normal" use. There are numerous instances (and we have had some cases here) where the legal "father" – the husband of the wife – realizes his wife was cheating and the child conceived with the OM and he’s been raising OM child. Only to be followed by a divorce and – due to biological paternity – the "father" being refused all access to the child. However – due to "legal" paternity the now-divorced "legal" father is still paying child support.

Generally there is a relatively short period where the father can counter the claim to being the legal father, but you definitely should get legal advice on how it is in your area.

All this to state a major reason for what I’m going to explain below: You need TRUTH.
--

Very often it’s not the affair per se that wrecks the marriage. It’s the lying, the lack of trust, the questions, the doubts… It’s what we call the trickle-truth and I believe it has wrecked more lives than the affair itself.
In a sense it’s better for you to discover NOW – early on – the true extent of your wife’s affair rather than to get tad-bits added on to your knowledge as you go on. It would be better for you NOW to know it they had sex or not.
You imply at doubts about the child’s paternity… Well… the doubts are about 99% likely to negatively impact your relationship with your wife and with the child. To move on you need the TRUTH – be it that you are the father or that it’s the OM because this was more than a hj.

IF the child was conceived by the OM it is better to know and then decide your next steps from there. That gives you the possibility to decide your future based on your decisions, rather than have something forced on you. What that decision should or could be is totally on you – it can be the decision to divorce, it can be the decision to accept the child as your own, it can be the decision of denying OM paternity or whatever. But it’s YOUR decision and not one forced on you by wife or the laws of our society.

I believe that a couple can survive from any infidelity.
This does not equate to all couples having to survive any infidelity. I have seen instances where people have divorced for less than you describe, and I have seen instances where they survive what many might consider worse. But… IF both YOU and your WIFE want to be married and if both of you are willing to do the WORK it definitely can be done.

However, it needs to be from a solid base, and that base is TRUTH.
Two years from now you can’t be holding your child and wondering why it has blond hair and not brown like everyone else. You do not want to be pulling away at the scab of recovery trying to heal your wounds.

So far it sounds like your WW is following the WW handbook. She’s only telling you what she’s forced to tell you. Like first it was nothing, then a kiss, and now a hj.
I can’t tell you if she’s told you the truth or not, but I do sense that IF this is true then you know it only because you could pressure her to reveal this part. Frankly – if you had some extra info you could maybe get her to admit to a BJ when reality might be they had full penetrative sex. Or maybe not – I’m just saying that trickle-truth is the norm rather than the exception.
MAYBE you have the truth.
MAYBE…
At some point the trickle reaches ground-level.

I will suggest the following:

Sit your wife down and tell her something along these lines:
You WANT to reconcile but you worry if you can.
It’s not the truth that you fear, but rather that the truth will be coming out for years and each new "truth" will restart the pain process.
That because you don’t think you have the truth the doubt, lack of trust and loneliness will prevent you from committing to the marriage.
That if there are some major secrets she’s keeping from you it will prevent her from ever being the wife she wants to be and the wife you want.
That you question the paternity, and that if there is even a chance of the child being OM’s it needs to be clear if for no other reason that the child’s health records.
That if she’s keeping secrets it shows she doesn’t trust you. Without trust there really cant be any marriage.
Yes – that contradicts your lack of trust. But a major part of reconciling is for her to help you rebuild trust. You are willing to commit to that work IF you believe you have the truth.

Then offer her this:
If she tells you the absolute truth now you offer an amnesty or clemency period. You will not automatically file for divorce or leave the house or anything like that. You will give your marriage 30 days before deciding the next steps.
The other option is that you carry on with doubt, and that would inevitably end with unhappiness and divorce.

Tell her that once she has shared the truth you are arranging a poly to confirm her "truths". You can share with her that one possible question might be:
"Did you have sex with anyone other than CameronL during the period when the child was conceived?"
Not that will necessarily be in the final list, but she needs to clarify that one piece that I think will be key to your recovery.
Make it clear to her that failing the test would have worse consequences than being truthful NOW, because that would once again show you she has no trust in you. If she trusts you with the truth and if she passes the test it should enable you to commit more to reconciling.

Finally
If the worst comes to the worst and the child could be conceived with OM that doesn’t necessarily prevent reconciliation. But you reconcile from the truth. You don’t have doubts, regrets, resentment because IF you reconcile you do so from a stance of acceptance. That child can be just as equally loved by you as your "own" – as long as you consciously enter reconciliation from truth.

From what you've described, infidelity appears to be the cherry on top of a shit sundae.

It is not normal or appropriate behavior for your wife to be going out with "friends" (I guess she's not even bothering to tell you who she's spending her time with) for all hours of the night drinking and carousing, not returning home, and having long stretches of unaccountable time away, especially when she ha a child.

And on top of all that, she's getting wasted while pregnant! Even without the infidelity at play, that alone should be grounds for an ultimatum: get yourself into rehab now or I'm filing for divorce immediately.

Your focus needs to be on what's best for your son and for this unborn baby, regardless of his or her paternity. You are the only one they have to protect them. Your wife is not a safe partner or a parent at the moment.

Also, I strongly urge you to get STDs and stop having sex with her. She's engaged in extremely reckless behavior and you can't allow her to put your health at risk.

, I can probably get over the emotional affair and I can get over the kiss

Don't think like this. You're basically telling her you would be ok with future affairs.

Ok. So, yes, this was a full blown affair. No need to go directly to the shower, if it wasn't. Also,men don't involve themselves with married women,for an emotional affair. They're in it for the sex.

She feels used,lol? Oh my. So she's the victim? No. As a married woman,she knew what she was doing. If anyone was used here,it's you.

Stop trying to fix this. It's not yours to fix. This is her work. Your job is to watch her actions. What is she doing to become a safe partner?

At minimum, she should...

Get tested for stds.

Write a full timeline.

Be completely transparent. You get full access to all accounts and phone. Passwords included.

Drops all of her party friends. They knew of the affair. They encouraged it. They're not friends of the marriage.

Complete NC with OM.

Finds a new job.

Answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. And no blame.

Takes a polygraph.

Gets a paternity test. As much as this hurts,you need to face reality. You've been trying for years to get pregnant. Then she has an affair, and gets pregnant. You deserve to know if this is your child. And that child deserves to KNOW who their father is.

Do not tell her about this site. She is not remorseful. This is your safe place.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:09 PM, Wednesday, January 25th]

So you said polygraph, and she then admitted to the hand job,and now seems willing to take the test.

Classic cheater move.

When confronted with a polygraph, it's very common for a ws to suddenly admit to more. Something awful. They hope it manipulates their BS into thinking that's it,there's no more,in hopes that their BS drops the polygraph. It's so common there's a phrase for it..the parking lot confession. They then act as if the want to take the test. I mean,if they dont,it's obvious they're still lying. No. Follow through with the test. There's always more.

How far along is she according to her doctors? Not what she says because she lies.

She wasn't lying to protect you and your feelings. She was lying to protect herself from the consequences. You are best off to assume the worst until you have definitive proof otherwise. She hooked up with the scumbag for months. He was bad boy exciting to her, but her logical self wasn't going to leave your M for him. Until you threatened divorce. Good chance that he discarded her when she turned up pregnant. She was just a piece of ass to him.

You have a hard decision to make and you need as much of the truth as possible as you weight that decision.

Have her write out a timeline. That will limit her ability to claim you misunderstood. Let her know this is her last chance to tell you the truth. That you can't promise that you will stay but you will be mch more likely to try if she is upfront now rather than than you finding out more lies later.

Move forward with the polygraph to verify that timeline.

Simple questions should be were you truthful in your timeline of your A with scumbag.

Have you had sex (defined as PIV) with any man other than CameronL since we were married.

Have you had any other sexual contact (defined as petting on up to PIV) with another man since you and CameronL were married.

Get the paternity tests done. On both kids.

Once you the scale of her betrayal from above, you will have to consider if she can qualify as a candidate for reconciliation. Right now she's not. She's still lying to diminish her betrayal which is hardly a sign of remorse.

You also have to consider whether, knowing the scale of the betrayal, you are a candidate for reconciliation. For some what she's already admitted to is enough to be a dealbreaker.

You are looking at 2-5 years to recover from this even if the answers are all yes. And even with both of you doing the work, it may still fail. The fastest, safest way out of infidelity for the BS is to leave.

Best of luck to you. This road you're on sucks balls regardless of where the final destination ends up. Please know that you didn't deserve her betrayal of you and your family.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:36 PM, Wednesday, January 25th]

HI Cameron, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You are in the middle of a hurricane and it can feel like the pain will never end. I want to give you hope that you will be okay again, but you need to brace yourself. Pretty sure you are about to go through trickle truth hell.

At this point, she DOES NOT want to change her current situation and she is scared about what life would be like without you, her safety net. So, she just gives you *just* enough information that makes sense and that she thinks you will be able to accept + get over eventually. She has already done it with just the mildest of prodding. As you go on and the shock wears off, other things will start occurring to you and things she has told you in the past will no longer make sense. Or perhaps you will find additional evidence that will contradict an previous story. She will then just admit just a little more. The problem with trickle truth is that you never know when you know ALL the truth. And the more trickle truth you are subjected to will drastically undermine any future credibility she would have. In her mind, she has convinced herself she is protecting you from pain, but the reality is she is trying to protect herself from the consequences of her shitty actions/choices.

Because no one is the villain in their own story, she will definitely try to somehow justify her choices. She will even re-write history and exaggerate past issues in order to make her cheating seem more excusable. Do not accept this. You cannot make someone cheat, that is ridiculous. Do not make adjustments to yourself to accommodate any of her supposed grievances with you, because you are the prize here.

If you are anything like me, you will desperately want to just go back to when things were good. The problem is, you just can't, it was just an illusion. She has ALWAYS had the capacity to betray you, she just hadn't yet and you didn't know. Your future is forever altered-- whether you and she remain together as a couple or you separate and you build a new life for yourself. As you make decisions about your future, try to think LOGICALLY and not emotionally (easier said than done). I like to frame it like this, "what is the best decision for my future self?" How do you position yourself to mitigate the future damage of your WW's decisions?

It is overwhelming, we all know and understand that more than you know. I recommend making a list and take some control over the situation by taking some action.

1. STD test
2. Paternity test
3. Lawyer
4. etc etc

Keep posting here and DO NOT show your WW this site. She maybe possibly could benefit from it in the future, but in my humble opinion, until you know the paternity of the kids, you need to keep your cards close to your vest and this allows us to give you advice/guidance without her seeing it.

Your future may look drastically different that what you have been imagining, but that is OKAY. Your are going to be okay.