SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What do you know about the ap?
Cartful, just because you are in an at fault state, doesn’t mean that everything will go as it should theoretically. I’m just saying not to pop the champing bottles to early.
But so far. You have dome everything right, from the PI, to telling everybody. Well done.

I am angry but my anger is mixed with my emotions and wanting to keep my family and kids intact. I have come to realize that in doing so I am compromising too much of myself and I need to stop. My plan is to set clear boundaries. I cannot control her but I can control my actions in response to those boundaries being crossed.

We have 2 teenage kids so keeping NC with her is not practical. We exchange kids weekly. But I do need to keep it to a minimum and only discuss kids and finances.

Another thing that's been suggested many times in S.I. is to only communicate via email, at least until you're on more even footing with your healing. It has several advantages - 1, you'll have a record of everything that she says (and of course, vice versa); 2, it'll save you having to talk to her and that will help you heal faster; 3, You are not obligated to read an email the moment it arrives and can wait until you feel like it to read them. There was one member who would only read them every other evening, after work and after she'd finished her tasks for the day so if she got upset, it didn't ruin her day. That, of course, won't work for a BS with younger kids but I'm assuming yours have phones and can text you themselves if something urgent is going on.

And, if you go to the email only route, you might want to create a new email address you only use for this.

I also meant to clarify when I said to get as much as you can in the divorce settlement. I did and don't regret it at all. I keep the money in savings and if XWH ever sincerely needs help, I'd give some back. Better that I'm the caretaker for it cuz he'd blow it all tomorrow, given the chance.

I need to be better with keeping LC/NC with her. It is HARD. She had months to disconnect emotionally and is involved with someone else who is supporting her, going out to concerts, dinners, etc. It just takes time but I wish I can just flip a switch and be done emotionally but it is not that easy.

We often use the word "trauma" to describe what happened to you but I much prefer "injury". It allows you to look at what she has put you through as actually harming you. It takes a looong time to recover from a gunshot, stabbing, car wreck etc.. why do we continue to think our brain can recover faster? It is the part of the body that felt the first blow, but actual pain, nausea, chills, etc. follow, sometimes for months. Don’t expect to heal right away. This is going to be a very long healing and the busier you keep yourself the better. Gyms, hikes, bikes, camping, dancing, friends, family all contribute to your health.

Ever had a wound that grows a scab that constantly itches and you SO WANT to scratch?
Only you know that if you do you will start bleeding. Plus your morbid curiosity will eventually make you peel it all off.
Result? More blood and probably a bad scar.

So what do you do?
Anything other than scratch.
Distract yourself, maybe spray some cooling spray, keep busy, remind yourself that the pain and itchiness are signs of healing.

It’s basically the same. Miss her? Want her? Go paint your living-room, or wax your car, or polish your golf-clubs, or go to a shooting range, or clean the garage, or run ten miles, or finish that DIY project that’s been on the backburner for a decade, or go see a movie, or arrange your finances for the divorce, or list all documents she might be a beneficiary on, or or or…
ANYTHING but dwell on her or what she did and what she’s doing.