SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks everyone. I am DEFINITELY not going to jeopardize my at fault divorce position. I have a comprehensive PI report that should make proving her affair a slam dunk case. In fact, evidence is so overwhelming that she may be better off just admitting to it and not risk pissing off the judge with her lies.

Even if we try to R fully, I still plan on following through with at least the initial hearing and separation. Only then would I be willing to talk about anything serious.

I am so sorry.

What I can't figure out is why you aren't angry. I'm feeling really pissed off for you! How dare she. How dare she do this to your family, to her children. Lie to everyone? Cheat all of you? What kind of example is she setting for her kids? She's breaking all her promises, she's taking a giant dump on your marriage and you're still talking about the possibility of R?

I'm really sorry to be so blunt but she's right up there with my XWH in terms of her true character turning out to be so repugnant, I could just spit.

How dare she.

File for that divorce and take as much as you can get. She abandoned you, she abandoned her kids, she abandoned her marriage and her life. She betrayed everyone who loves her. She lied to everyone who loves her. She cheated on everyone who loves her. She has done the unthinkable and I hope she gets nothing at all from you.

Your only chance at any future with her is to throw this imposter out and perhaps someday if your real wife emerges from the dung heap she's made of her life, then perhaps you can talk and see where things go. I suspect you'll have moved on by then and built a happy life for you and your kids but never say never.

She wants an amicable divorce??? Are you kidding me? That's code speak for wanting you to just be quiet and get out of her way.

Please, please, please, let her go. Don't say another word to her about anything. No texts. No emails. Nothing. Anything she needs to talk to you about can go through your attorney. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing your pain. I so regret letting my XWH know how much pain I was in.

I hope I'm not coming across too strong but I'm saying all this in a shocking way to spur you to go ahead and feel what you really feel. She did you wrong and you have every right to make taking care of yourself and your kids your ONLY priority.

And don't cover for her. The truth is the truth. I'm not saying to go out and badmouth her because that's never a good thing. But don't cover up her immorality in any way because while you're doing that and hoping for R, she's busy rewriting history to make you out to be the bad guy and she had no choice but to find love somewhere else. Call baloney on that crap right now - if she wasn't happy, it was her job to be honest about it and do something about it that didn't break her vows.

Do keep posting here and do remember to take care of yourself.

I am angry but my anger is mixed with my emotions and wanting to keep my family and kids intact. I have come to realize that in doing so I am compromising too much of myself and I need to stop. My plan is to set clear boundaries. I cannot control her but I can control my actions in response to those boundaries being crossed.

We have 2 teenage kids so keeping NC with her is not practical. We exchange kids weekly. But I do need to keep it to a minimum and only discuss kids and finances. I have not been doing a good job of this as of late so I need to be better and not let her get the satisfaction seeing me in pain or appear being needy.

Exit

First of all: Everything you describe is actually quite by the book. The only exception possibly being your state takes infidelity into consideration regarding divorce.

You have an attorney handling that issue. Just place it in his hands. Let him get the best deal you are willing to accept. I’m guessing your wife is still in la-la-land and hasn’t realized the consequences of infidelity, or maybe even hasn’t lawyered up.
I’m not going to suggest you take advantage of her – I have this strange belief that what goes around comes around – but the law is there for a reason and if it was an unfair or unjust law it would have been replaced. Just be realistic – her infidelity won’t make it so that you get everything, but it might make it so that you get more than a typical divorce. Or it might minimize or even eliminate support. Or not… Just go with what your attorney states and what you and your conscience are happy with.

On the emotional aspect:
Set her free.
Stop monitoring her, stop asking about her, stop wondering what shes doing… Just do your best to start your new life with her out of it.
Yes – you have two kids, but they are teenagers.
Be careful to never talk disrespectfully about her in front of them. Don’t ask them about her. Don’t question what she does with them. Her time = her time, your time = your time.
Drop off and pickup – they can walk to the curb where you wait. Or they come to your home after school, and leave to her home after school.
I have a friend whose wife cheated, and he managed to not see her for nearly 6 years despite co-parenting. I personally don’t think that’s healthy, I think the goal is not hate but total detachment. But you don’t have to be involved in her life more than you want to.

Have you exposed her huge betrayal with all family and close mutual friends and/or OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse/GF) if POSOM has one ? Specifically do the kids and both sets of parents (if alive) know the exact reason why she moved out ? if not you should tell them immediately and make sure you name POSOM. Nothing kills an A faster than full exposure, exposure typically makes the "exciting, beautiful and romantic" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, typically the more she hates the A, the more she would have AP, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will.

Right now she's test driving POSOM and therefore at this point you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with, so again don't even think about a successful R, right now that is simply impossible while she's in an active A, so move full steam ahead with the at fault D and protect yourself financially, don't jeopardize your D advantage by offering R to an unremorseful and unrepentant proven cheater and liar, let the D process play out and after the ink is dry, if by that time she has come around (that's a very big "IF"), then and only then may you consider giving R a try, or NOT !, think about what you would be getting back, better to move on than be her plan B, don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs, yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health too, do yourself a favor and end this farce of a M, your kids may learn a good life lesson seeing how you handled things.

It sounds like you might consider R down the road, and that’s fine if that’s what you want. However, showing your WW your pain, and any weakness, will definitely work against you in this regard.

She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings. Being self centered and selfish, she is most likely taking some satisfaction in you chasing after her - wow, great, two men want me!

Go grey rock on her. The only interactions should be about the kids, period. Do not engage with her in any way, shape or form about the D. She will say how can you do this to me? How could you be so cruel, etc. Simply tell her all conversations about the D are handled by your lawyer.

Do not engage with her. And, as far fetched as this sounds, under no circumstances engage in any physical relationship with her. She’s not stupid. Engage physically with her and your entire at fault case is ruined

How would it be if you just go ahead and let the divorce go through even if she tells you she wants to reconcile. Then you can decide if you want a lifetime relationship with her.

I had a brother go through what you went through. She left just like yours did. She said, after 22 years, they weren't compatible, blah, blah. After he filed for divorce he found out from his neighbors that his wife and some man would go into his house at noon and leave about 1 hour later. They did not know the man. It is a shame they did not tell him before the separation began. My brother had no clue this was going on.

Anyway, he found out the other man was a traveling jewelry salesman. My brother did the Pick Me dance until it was sickening and family members got through to him to stop it and go through with the divorce.

When the jewelry salesman found out that the married woman he was screwing (my sister-in-law) was now available any time he wanted with no strings attached, he ran for the hills. She then tried to come back to my brother, but we convinced him to get the divorce finalized and then see if he wanted to have a relationship with her. After the divorce he decided he did not want a relationship with her and he was finally through with her. His blinders came off.

The last years of his life with spent with a wonderful woman who respected him and he was happy.

I am sure the same can happen for you.

I did expose her affair to almost everyone. Her father, stepfather, my family, neighbors, etc. Everyone knows. Her father cut ties with her because she brought her AP to his house twice and said he was a friend. He even gave me an affidavit saying that he witnessed them sleeping in the same bed at his house. Her close friends also balked at her actions but she still talks to them. She is very isolated aside from the AP at this point.

I will go through with the D as this will be best for me financially in the long term (and maybe otherwise). In my state, by law she cannot get alimony which would have been around $2,500 a month for God know how long. Affair also affects other things such as custody and asset division but not as much.

I just need to work on emotional detachment. I still think about her daily, what she is doing, is she with her AP, etc. It's hard to cut that completely. Almost impossible at this point. By I am sure practicing NC unless it is about the kids and avoiding her as much as possible will make things better over time.

Oh, and she did lawyer up even before I did. She retained an attorney before she dropped the bomb on me. But her attorney told her to cut contact with the AP immediately and stay NC until the D is over which would be at least a year. With new relationship fog that is almost impossible. Luckily for me, she continued and she got found out. Then her lawyer told her "I told you so" and basically said that she is screwed now.

Does the OM have a wife,or girlfriend?

Reconciliation is hard, even if both are all in and I doubt she will go there. If you do decide to try, get "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". Read it, that is what needs to happen, then give it to your spouse.

Be strong, take care of yourself and your kids.

Good luck!

OM is not married (never has been) but has a daughter that is about the same age as my daughter. My wife has already met her apparently. And while she was blowing my money, she bought them both gifts and stuff. My WW did not expose my children to the OM to the best of my knowledge and that is certainly one thing I will ask of the judge.

I agree that R here would be hard and I'd only consider it after the D is done. I have a feeling that the reality will hit her hard in 3-6 months time. Divorced mom, working full time and barely making ends meet. Her standard of living will go down the tubes and knowing her, that will be a hard adjustment. It's all roses and butterflies now while she has no financial responsibilities and while new relationship adrenaline and feelings are overshadowing everything.

[This message edited by exitaffair at 8:06 PM, Sunday, January 29th]

Just in case she has completely lost her moral compass please check your credit score as well as the children. Hopefully she will be required to pay back the marital funds she used for her affair as well as gifts given to AP and his child.

Good idea. My credit frozen so she can't do anything there. Kids are still minors.

How do you know the content of your wife’s communications with her attorney?
That worries me. She’s hardly that dumb to share her losing hand with you, it’s dubious an attorney would share that info in an e-mail and it’s not something shes going to share with people (like her dad) whom she knows doesn’t approve of her stance.
I do hope you are not monitoring her communications with her attorney. That can cause you more problems than any benefit it might give you. Although a judge might consider infidelity in deciding spousal support, then breaching the client-attorney confidentiality would maybe convince him otherwise…

All the information I have has come from her telling me. I do not monitor her communications nor do I have access to do that. There was a period where we tried to make this amicable and we had days where she gave me closure by revealing details about the affair and some of the advice she got from her attorney like that the attorney hold her to cut contact but regretfully for her she did not.

Well… If she’s that dumb you have nothing to fear. She basically confirmed that she’s cheating, she confirmed she knows it will remove all chances of spousal support. She knows her actions will damage her chance at court. She knows continuing to see him will damage her chances and she shares with you the context of her attorney meetings.
It’s a wonder she can cope on a daily basis.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:57 PM, Monday, January 30th]

Exit
Based on what you share your wife would be a prime candidate for an out-of-court divorce settlement.
She clearly knows she’s not entitled to alimony or support, and that if this goes to court the OM will be mentioned, possibly subpoenaed and officially mentioned in court documents. Plus she will be on record for a fault-divorce.
Infidelity doesn’t affect other factors, such as the division of debt and assets although it can impact spousal support. Seeing as how she’s already acknowledged having lost spousal support then maybe she would be willing to settle for a division of assets that favors you. That favor could be anything from you retaining retirement savings to having first call on the family house or retaining the debt-free rental property. The "favor" can’t be too lop-sided, but maybe a quick and cheap divorce might be exactly what she wants.

I suggest you carry a VAR or at least record all interactions with her with your cellphone to try to avoid the possibility of false DV charges, sometimes cheaters resort to these extremes in an effort to gain some advantage during the D process, especially when they feel cornered or when their D expectations become much less favorable or bleak.

Based on what you share your wife would be a prime candidate for an out-of-court divorce settlement.

She clearly knows she’s not entitled to alimony or support, and that if this goes to court the OM will be mentioned, possibly subpoenaed and officially mentioned in court documents. Plus she will be on record for a fault-divorce.

Exit,

This! I told my WW that I was not going to pay her alimony period. I had her dead to rights on adultery. I said you accept that as part of the Settlement Agreement and I file "no contest" and make things easy, or I file on adultery grounds and drag this through court costing everyone attorney fees and making things ugly and you'll be disqualified anyway. She wisely chose the former. I think the delusion of "affair fog" helped matters there as well.

I was in a position similar to you eight months ago when she dropped the bomb on me about divorce and the affair. She had never expressed unhappiness and in my mind things were pretty good in our marriage. Her walking out the door that day and never looking back was in retrospect the best outcome for many, many reasons. Over the last number of months I've come to see her for who she is and that is not someone I would remotely want in my life. I deserved better and so do you. Best of luck to you going forward.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 8:05 PM, Monday, January 30th]