SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, Devastated, please check in.

Were you able to get out of the house just for a bit this past weekend?

Thinking of you..

Hello everyone. Thank you for checking in. I am still here. I am reading and rereading everyone's words. I cannot thank you all for taking the time to respond and try to offer help. You all are my lifeline. More than I actually realized.

I will take the time to look into BPD, Graziella123. My doctors seem to think the extremes lows are more from the part of my brain that was compromised when I had the brain surgery to try and remove the two brain tumours I had. The tumours were in two areas of the brain( near cranial artery and on the optic nerve right frontal lobe)linked by a long tail connecting them that weaved through the center of my brain as well. Since a part of one in the right frontal lobe still remains, that area is still affected. Meds are risky, very risky. So many of them can cause brain bleeds or seizures. Every medication must be scrutinized by my neurologist and my neurosurgeon. Unfortunately antidepressants are on the list of dangers. I am on some milder meds, low doses. I cannot say they have really made a difference. They are concentrating on trying to help me sleep. Lack of sleep poses a huge risk as well.

Whatever the cause, the extreme feelings of despair, loneliness, devastation and pain are very real, overwhelmingly real, exhaustively real. I just cant seem to escape them.

I am desperately trying NC. His social media accounts are open and I don't look. He hasn't contacted me in weeks and I haven't contacted him. That being said.........

He posted today all over his social media a video of why men "cheat". It basically states it is because their woman doesn't fulfill their needs. The video talks about how men give women a blueprint of what they need and how to tend to their needs and we as women often don't listen to what they are saying and then we wonder why our men are unhappy and cheat. It further states that women need to learn to listen to what their man is saying they need to stay content in a relationship. It was compared to when you take a job and are given a list of duties and expectations.....you cannot ignore what is said to you and just do your own thing. A woman hosts this video!!!!! My messages blew up from people telling me I made him unhappy and that I should have known he was unhappy. I should have known I would lose him! I had no idea what was going on until my associate told me he had blown up his social media with videos like this one justifying his actions. Videos that women host too to make it seem like even women agree with this logic.

It was like the twisting knife being inserted over and over all over again. I was at work when the messages starting. The tears are flowing. The trembling is back. I turned off my phone but the darkness came racing in like a tornado in my head.

He got what he wanted. Why does he have to continue to embarrass me on social media. Why is it all these people BELIEVE HIM???????????????????????????????????????????? Why is it that all I did was love a man and try to make him happy and now I am the villain????????????????? Why the hell cannot I not just see him for the lying scum he is and let go? Sadly it isn't about just him and I. because he is a member of a large biker community, it has become common knowledge and everyone seems to have an opinion. He has hundreds of friends. I have none. He has support.....I am being beat down. It is killing me slowly...emotionally day after day.

When everyone constantly blames you for the failed relationship you have to wonder was it me? What didn't I see? We were cuddling and planning his birthday getaway minutes before I found the texts. I was oblivious. We didn't fight. We laughed all the time. We did everything together. We were making so many summer plans. I was the love of his life one minute and the toxic bitch who didn't fulfill his needs in the relationship the next. He was "bored". We were "stale". That's what he told his mother. He tells his friends I was misérable, toxic and it sucked the life out of him to be around me. Will this ever end?

It is hard enough that he ran to her while I lay crumpled in a heap of my own tears on the floor.....but he perpetuates the pain continually by being where I may be, by posting sh**, by spreading lies about me throughout his "brotherhood". I never knew so many people, both men and women would stand behind someone who can destroy someone's life as he did mine.

The last few weeks more and more of the things I owned before he and I came together I am discovering are gone. He gave them away as we didn't "need two sets of everything as we were a couple after all, for life. He has taken most everything and now I am finding I have to replace so much.......financially this is killing me. I wanted to take a camping chair and sit by the river.....HE TOOK THEM! I needed a screwdriver.....GONE! He is an ex chef....my knives....GONE! I had a beautiful set of knives before we came together but he had a professional set so he donated mine. This is the story of most everything. It keeps the devastation real...and alive.

I know they are possessions, but every day I go to get something I need only to discover its GONE! Do you know he took all the spices too? His logic is if he bought it, its his. Really...just because you did most of the cooking, I paid for all the groceries! How about the fact you donated all my stuff?????

I needed to post. I needed to read everyone's thoughts. I needed this to not just go drive into a wall on my way home. I need the pain, hurt, embarrassment and devastation to end. Weeks ago the only end I could see was............ I would lie if I said I don't think about it often.........it is or was the easier solution......but I must be slowly getting a little better because HE WOULD LIKE THAT TOO MUCH! IT WOULD FEED HIS EGO EVEN MORE! and he's gotten away with too much already.

This sums up how I feel TODAY......this will never end. The pain seems endless. The hurt more powerful than any feeling of hope.

Here's begging every known force in creation to make tomorrow a better day. :(

If you are in the US, the national suicide hotline number is 988. Memorize it.

That being said, you need to block everyone who sends you those nasty messages, and let your real friends know that you don't want to hear any more about the ex. You also need to block him. Fully and completely. Do not unblock him for any reason. You don't need to see or hear his toxic bs any longer. It's time to rebuild.

I'm so sorry you're suffering, but doing the above will help you so much, emotionally and mentally. Keep posting.

My messages blew up from people telling me I made him unhappy and that I should have known he was unhappy. I should have known I would lose him! I had no idea what was going on until ....

What the actual Fuck? These are NOT friends. These are idiots that you don't need in your life. Consider closing all social media or removing current profile and starting fresh. This is just obnoxious idiocy. You do NOT need this kind of negativity in your life.

Love on your dogs. Spend some time outside, feel the hot summer sun on your skin, feel the cool grass under your feet. Start with the grounding exercises. Find one thing in each day that makes you happy you are still here, it may just be something silly like your dog is happy to be fed, but if you keep building on the positive, and keep the negative energy away, you will start to heal.

Financially the hit you are taking because he got rid of your stuff sucks, but it should also reinforce that he never valued you, or your things. Hit second hand stores, especially in the communities around you that are wealthier, you would be amazed at the good high quality stuff you can get for next to nothing.

Gently, again, please stop focusing on him and focus on you.

He is showing you repeatedly that he's turned into a real D bag, and you are allowing HIS actions to dictate YOUR emotions.

Hey, I get it, we all get it, but you must stay NC which means not knowing what he is doing or saying or posting on social media.

Please understand one thing, cheaters always rewrite relationship history....always. It's not you, it's him.

Are you in IC? I think it would be extremely beneficial, I'd start out with a couple of times a week because you are in so much pain and turmoil.

Anyone who is telling you that you should have known what he was feeling hasnt been cheated on.

never knew so many people, both men and women would stand behind someone who can destroy someone's life as he did mine.

^^^Don't you think it's time to stop allowing him to destroy you and start with baby steps and show him you can live a full and happy life without him? Yes, he destroyed your life as you knew it, but your life is not destroyed. You have so much life to live, I wish you could just open your eyes and find your inner courage and push forward. Just one baby step at a time. Two steps forward, three back sometimes, but forward nonetheless.

As tushnurse said, find something positive, and please, please get out of your environment even for an hour or two this weekend. Bask in the sun sipping a cold glass of iced tea. Anything to give you a respite from all the pain.

Whatever the cause, the extreme feelings of despair, loneliness, devastation and pain are very real, overwhelmingly real, exhaustively real. I just cant seem to escape them.

Yes, these are real feelings, and they're made stronger by your health problems. My reco is to feel the feelings - that let's them go. I know it seems endless, but there will be an end. You have your feelings. They don't have you. You can process them - it just takes more time and effort than anyone thinks it should.

Your H didn't cheat because of something you did or didn't do. He cheated because of his own failings.

Self-talk is key to recovering from being betrayed. My further reco is to teach yourself to keep reminding you that you're loving, lovable, and capable, and that's enough. You are enough. Your STBXH doesn't realize that because he knows he's not enough at this point - that's his problem, not yours.

Focus on your own healing, physical and emotional. That's a great use of your energy.

*****

Have you considered using your SM to fight back? It's possible that posting in a way to demonstrate your strengths and qualities as a BS might help. I'm pretty sure it's not worth the effort, but maybe something like 'I'm single now. My STBXH has cheated and doesn't have enough self-awareness to realize he's responsible for himself' would satisfy your desire to defend yourself.

I think people who have not experienced infidelity gravitate towards the unmet needs fallacy as a way of protecting themselves from betrayal. If they can blame the victim, then they can institute measures which will "affair proof" their own relationships, thus making them safe from trauma. All they need to do is be careful enough and they won't be in our shoes.

There is a whole bullshit industry that has sprung up around this misguided idea.

Hey Dev. Glad you posted, but man your ex is a special extra douchy douchcanoe. What he is showing is that he is shallow and entitled - and the people that agree with him— yeah, they are the same. Does he have the maturity of a 12-year old that he has to post bullshit like that on social media? Talk about insecure and overcompensating. BLOCK HIM and all his shallow followers. They are idiots.

It is not your job to satisfy him or anyone. You could have (and probably did) everything on his dumbass list and he would still be an unhappy victim. Because only he can fulfill his needs. And he’s too shallow to realize that.

And now it is your turn to fulfill your needs, which is harder when he’s crushed your self-confidence. You ARE lovable. You ARE valuable. You ARE the prize. And it totally sucks he is behaving like this.

Start a gratitude list. It feels cheesy at first, but it’s effective in shifting your outlook from the negative to the positive. Three things every night you are grateful for. they can be the same three things or find something new. It can be that first sip of coffee in the morning or the wafting scent of your neighbors lavender when you walk by. It can be the laugh of the kid down the street playing in a sprinkler. It can be the absolute cuteness of your pup when he’s snuggled up to you. The dark cloud is blocking out those glimmers of sunshine but they are still there. Find them. List them, collect them. They may just be momentary glimmers — but when you look for them, you will find more and more of them.

Ever buy a new car and think it is an uncommmon color or style? Then driving around all you see are cars that color and style? That’s what this is- you are tuning yourself to see the little bits of happiness that happen every day..And you will see they start to add up.

I know how much this hurts. You are experiencing TRAUMA on top of heartbreak and health issues. This is hard. But we see the strength and goodness in you. We know you can get through this.

Also- highly recommend thrifting like Tush said. My house burned down after DDAY and I had to replace everything. I had some financial help from insurance, but it was every single thing included my house that needed to be replaced. Thrifting and using NextDoor and FB marketplace really helped me do it on a budget and get better things than I could afford new. It also gave me something to do on the weekends— hunt for treasures at the thrift shops.

Hang in there. Keep posting. Call 988 if you need it. We are all rooting for you.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:58 PM, Thursday, July 27th]

I think people who have not experienced infidelity gravitate towards the unmet needs fallacy as a way of protecting themselves from betrayal. If they can blame the victim, then they can institute measures which will "affair proof" their own relationships, thus making them safe from trauma. All they need to do is be careful enough and they won't be in our shoes.

Wow------this has provided some very much needed perspective.

What the actual Fuck? These are NOT friends. These are idiots that you don't need in your life. Consider closing all social media or removing current profile and starting fresh. This is just obnoxious idiocy. You do NOT need this kind of negativity in your life.

I have thought about this many times.....just can't bring myself to actually do it......yet...although my head tells me it would be beneficial

That being said, you need to block everyone who sends you those nasty messages, and let your real friends know that you don't want to hear any more about the ex. You also need to block him. Fully and completely. Do not unblock him for any reason. You don't need to see or hear his toxic bs any longer. It's time to rebuild.

This statement is powerful. I know it is true. :( Knowing and being able to do are two very different things sadly. I am just so frozen with inability.

Don't you think it's time to stop allowing him to destroy you and start with baby steps and show him you can live a full and happy life without him? Yes, he destroyed your life as you knew it, but your life is not destroyed. You have so much life to live, I wish you could just open your eyes and find your inner courage and push forward. Just one baby step at a time. Two steps forward, three back sometimes, but forward nonetheless

This is my goal.......old goal...to sleep....i give up on that....new goal to go an hour or more without crying......

Self-talk is key to recovering from being betrayed. My further reco is to teach yourself to keep reminding you that you're loving, lovable, and capable, and that's enough. You are enough. Your STBXH doesn't realize that because he knows he's not enough at this point - that's his problem, not yours.

I try this.....but honestly I hate myself so much right now I do not see anything worthy.....I have zero confidence left

It is not your job to satisfy him or anyone. You could have (and probably did) everything on his dumbass list and he would still be an unhappy victim. Because only he can fulfill his needs. And he’s too shallow to realize that.

And now it is your turn to fulfill your needs, which is harder when he’s crushed your self-confidence. You ARE lovable. You ARE valuable. You ARE the prize. And it totally sucks he is behaving like this.

Start a gratitude list.

This is great advice as well.........I will try my best to do this

Also- highly recommend thrifting like Tush said. My house burned down after DDAY and I had to replace everything. I had some financial help from insurance, but it was every single thing included my house that needed to be replaced. Thrifting and using NextDoor and FB marketplace really helped me do it on a budget and get better things than I could afford new. It also gave me something to do on the weekends— hunt for treasures at the thrift shops.

More great advice. I have never been a thrifter but it is something new to try. Something to do on weekends to get out. I am so very sorry about your house and your trauma. I feel foolish in comparison. I know my pain is overwhelming but I know everyone here has experienced it and I feel so selfish crying about my unhappiness when everyone has gone through it. :(

You are all my lifeline........I read your words continuously. I appreciate every single word written. It does help...when I am at rock bottom ---I read.......it keeps me occupied......occupied keeps me from doing something stupid again.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 7:41 PM, Thursday, July 27th]

I did some morning affirmations. On YouTube, there are some I AM affirmations that you can try. I experimented with a few. There was one that made me cry, but they were release tears rather than sadness tears - if that makes sense. It was about 10 minutes long, and I did it every morning for several months.

When my thoughts would spiral or I'd start obsessing, I would meditate. I have access to Headspace through work, but there are free options out there. What meditation helped me to do is to bring my thoughts back to my self and I would concentrate on breathing. Sometimes it took a minute and sometimes it took 20.

Sleep was an issue for me, too. For awhile, I took anti-anxiety meds which were supposed to help me sleep so I could sleep a few hours at a time. I had nightmares for a long time. From a suggestion from SI, I found a sleep meditation journey by Lina Grace, also free on YouTube. I still use it when I have trouble sleeping or wake up in the middle of the night.

If you're having trouble blocking him or certain friends, have somebody else do it for you. Give them your phone for a few minutes and have them block away. Yes, it hurts but you'll heal faster.

And Dev, do not compare your pain to anyone else’s. There’s no scale and it all sucks equally. Your pain is no more or less - it’s just pain. All our circumstances are a bit different but we all felt the pain.

Hi, Devastated, the weekend is here, I hope and pray you find something, anything, to get you out of the house, do something for yourself. Remember, one baby step at a time. An hour this weekend, two next weekend, set a goal for yourself and try your best to stick to it.

He's out living life while you are miserable. Time to move on from misery back into living.

Sending a huge virtual hug..........

My Dday was 10 years ago. My xh was happy with OW for about 8 months then the fighting began. She’s been miserable with him all this time but stays for the $$$. I know this bc I’m actually friends with a neighbor of theirs, and her hairdresser, and a teachers aide at her kids school. Also my kids stopped going there bc she was yelling at my xh, hitting him, and locked him out of his own house on Fathers Day weekend!! Her kids moved in with their Dad-the OBS. When I see xh and ow out they look so happy. But all these people telling me the other side definitely helps!

Your xh is a piece of crap. What decent person would put on fb why men cheat. What a fkn loser. Do you know there was a person on this site years ago who’s husband seemed so happy with the OW, but he actually murdered the OW while she slept? What you see and what is real are 2 different things.

I think your husband is a very sick person and someone above was looking out for you to get you away from him. Please get any help you need. -I personally walked into a Mental Health facility and said I need help now. They put me in the 2 week outpatient program and it saved my life.

We care about you here, keep posting. ❤️

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:09 AM, Saturday, July 29th]

Just checking in on you tonight, Devastated.

Hoping that you are finding some positive distractions and are meeting some small, but achievable, goals for yourself.

Whenever you read this my supportive way to challenge you would be to have you think of 1 thing you appreciate about yourself and then 1 thing you appreciate outside your window.

I'll go first.

I have big hands (for a woman) that have served me well in life. They open jars and rub own my temples and neck quite well when needed. I appreciate my strong hands.

Outside right now I can see trees blowing gently in the breeze as the sun sets. It's almost dark and really calm and cool outside. I really appreciate those trees against the backdrop of the sky.

I wish you some time to thrift this weekend and hope you find some treasures.

Raising a salute to you, dear woman!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 4:33 AM, Saturday, July 29th]

Hey Dev. Check in when you get a chance…

I have been up for 48 straight hours. The meds didnt work. The sleeping pills I hide and kept, didn't work. My eyes refused to close. My mind refused to turn off.

I have imagined pulling my car into my garage closing it and leaving it running with the windows closed. I imagine drifting peacefully to sleep to the sound of the engine without thoughts or images of him and some woman in my head. I can relish in the fact that I will no longer cry, no longer tremble, no longer feel so hopeless. No more tidal wave of emotions. No more utter debilitating pain. Just peace.....floating on a cloud surrounded by fallen fur babies. I think I may have smiled at these thoughts.

Yes....I called the crisis line. I cried for the hour as I talked with them. Then I reached for my computer to post.

I received a visit from the next woman in my WH life when I was least expecting it. There she was. A blonde younger woman who proceeded to tell me I was a piece of sh** for making such a wonderful, caring loving man out to be a monster. She demanded I stop spreading lies and go "end my pathetic existence". She proceeded to tell me that it is not his fault I was incapable of satisfying him and giving him the love and support he needed. She informed me that he has the support of all of his friends and family and that everyone "in town" knows what a liar and spiteful bit** I am. She accused me of still chasing after him after he made it clear he was done with me and much happier without me. She told me I would never fool anyone and people are laughing at me. She told me I was a pathetic excuse for a human being and that I was "lucky to have had him". She went on and on and on. I was so frozen in shock, hurt, disbelief that I stood there like a mannequin. I didn't even defend myself because I hate myself so why would I be shocked that everyone else does too??

My home.....is no longer a place of safety. It is no longer a place I can hide. This absolutely pathetic existence has just taken another turn. It keeps getting worse. I must somehow deserve it. What other explanation can there be? Everyone loves him. Everyone blames me. It must be me. As his happy new life gets happier, I fall further and further down. The hole is deep. It is dark. It is bottomless......and I just keep falling and falling and falling.

Haven't slept in 48 hours....I haven't stopped crying for even a minute either. My eyes are swollen shut. I cannot breathe and my legs won't hold me up anymore.

That cloud is looking damn good. I think I need to call the crisis line again. All I want is some peace. I just want to not be able to think....about anything ever again.

What am I grateful for? ...................Inside........my dogs love me regardless. What do I see outside......I see squirrels playing in my tree, chasing each other. They are carefree and at the moment safe from danger. I do love animals.

Hello I am new here but I really feel your pain come through your post. Please don’t end your life. You are worth so much more and it will get better I promise.

I went missing, checked in to a hotel to end my life and got sectioned in the psych ward for 3 weeks. So glad I didn’t go through with it. I even had electro shock therapy and still fell for false R and affair going underground.

Anyway, enough about me. I promise things will slowly get better. It sounds like your environment is toxic. Do you have to stay there? Could you move location and work remote? Do you need to work? My gut feeling is get the hell out of there. Get away from him and toxic people.

You have not slept in days. Your mind is lying to you — it is exhausted and lying to you. It’s considered torture and forced confession in law enforcement for that very reason. So don’t trust it right now.

CALL THE HOTLINE as often you need.
Get back in with your doctor - you need sleep.

And as for that AP—- FTG. What a low life. I would trust your dogs’ opinions over hers every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Broken people lash out at others to try to make themselves feel important. She is so broken that she had to confront you — she is pond scum.
And why are they mad that you are telling the truth? Because they don’t want to face the consequences of their own actions. they have been living a lie for so long they can’t handle the truth. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Happy people don’t attack other people. Happy people don’t need to hurt others to feel good about themselves. She is not happy. She "won" the booby prize of the year. It’s really pathetic.

I am sorry she confronted you. I am glad you didn’t respond— you can’t win an argument with stupid, and she is stupid. All WS lie about their BS— it’s part of their internal justification and external justification. They would say the sky is not blue if they thought it would justify their cheating. The louder they yell, the dumber they look. Anyone who listens to their baloney is equally stupid AND will be believing the next stupid gossip soon enough.

Keep taking care of you. Keep taking care of your pups. Get the help you need from doctors to get through this. Post as often as you want.

(There is a thread in the Separation/ Divorce forum where you can write what you want to your WS== just let it out. It might feel good to use.)

..

I'm glad you checked in, Devastated but was not expecting one of his flying monkeys to show up.

Please continue seeking help. You are worthy, Dev.

Jayjay and Bearly have given you some good advice. Hang in there, Dev. Honestly, it was about a year before I got to the point where I realized that the pain wasn't going to be the death of me.

She is so trashy. I wish you could step back from this a moment and see what a trashy loser this woman is. She needs to take from you (your ex, your happiness, your peace) in order to feel good about herself. One day you will look back and see it all so clearly. You will be glad she took out your trash, and showed you exactly what she and your ex really are. You just need time and distance to see it.