SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Fold123! I know that this doesn't feel like this at the moment, but honestly he's done you a huge favor by acknowledging his limitations. And setting you free in that process is a gift. I get it doesn't feel that way right now, but he's cut to the chase of what might have taken you years to appreciate. In a sad way, it may be the bravest thing he's ever done to admit his limitations and deficits and not try and pretend he's something else.

My Ex became so unstable in the aftermath of my initiating the D process (which happened because he was still in contact with the OW, still lying about it, and still oblivious to the consequences that I was pretty clear about ) , that ultimately I decided to relocate to my home country. I had no family in the UK and I knew that realistically, I would be saddled with the majority of childcare. My kids were older, and the international relocation was extremely stressful but I'm a thousand million times happier being home. And it served to protect my kids from their father's continued shenaningans which have been pretty relentless. My kids have adjusted and thrived here. They still see their dad but he's so difficult and lacks empathy for them (or anyone) that for short visits, it's just about tolerable. They have also had a shitton of therapy which has helped them enormously. As have I. I joke that my therapist is really my co-parent

I bought my house sight unseen (I had a great realtor, and a close friend who viewed it) and even though it's not perfect, it's been fine. Better than fine, really, it's quite lovely. I would recommend renting near your friends and taking things slowly. I also retrained and had enough resources to manage that and I'm full time employed with flexibility in a career I love. Negotiate further education support in your financial settlement if you can include it.

My Ex was very much a local celebrity in a way and the gossip and shame of what went down was excruciating. That shit would have followed me everywhere. I'm so glad to have escaped it. You will be too. You will begin to piece together who your STBXH really is in the next few years and will be able to connect dots that you haven't been able to before. That is why you haven't been entirely surprised by his decision. You have already had an inkling of his (ahem) lack of character (which is an understatement) but you haven't been able to get the mile high vision of him because it's all to close still. You will. And you will see that this will be the best thing for you and your kids.

Make lists, prioritize the kids needs and work your way through them. You can do this. It will be hard, but once you get out from under the mess that your STBXH has created, you and the kids will be so much better off. Big hug.

ScaredSoul:

Yes, it is a possibility. If it happens it would not be for two years. A year to finalize the investigations and about a year average on the docket. Maybe it is a martyr move, maybe it is just the move of somebody who is weak.

I do recognize the stress he is under. He has lost almost everything and is set to continue to only lose. I gave him six weeks of grace to manage the career fallout and the legal situation. All the while I was only getting wooden words and little action as far as what I was dealing with or what he was willing to do to show me he wanted to try to make it work.

The unfair difference is that while he is under a lot of stress, it is all due to his own decisions. I am under a lot of stress, different kinds of stress. And none of it is because of decisions I have made. It is because of his decisions.

Brokenhearted:

Thank you for sharing your story and insights. I am really sorry that you were placed in such a difficult situation, and that your husband betrayed you and kept in touch with the AP. It is so damaging when the lies keep coming or are discovered. When you know for a fact you just can't trust the person you trusted the most. It sounds like you made the best decision for yourself and your kids to leave the UK and go home. I am glad you have good friends who helped you get housing situated, and hopefully surrounded you with support as you got your feet under you. I am thankful your kids have been helped by therapy (you too) and that you are much happier with it all in the rearview. I know very well the sting of the "celeb" aspect and the negative attention that comes from it all. It is the main reason I just want to gather the kids and run as far as I can.

I know, on some level, that it is best to know all of this now. That he is incapable of stepping up and doing the right thing, and that it would only be a road of more distrust going forward. We did not have a perfect marriage, no one does, but we were happy. He agrees too. I just don't intellectually understand how somebody who loved his wife and kids would cheat and then walk away from the mess. Maybe I never will. A perfect understanding of what went wrong is a booby prize anyway, isn't it?

I have a long list of to dos. I have already changed my retirement account beneficiaries to the kids, just need to have them notarized, and I have rewritten my will/trust paperwork to change designations. I hope to get that updated in the next few weeks once I get an appointment in the system. I have researched everything from retitling the car to my name only here and then steps to retitle, reregister, and translate my license in the new state. I have a list of every place I need to get records printed (dental, medical, vet, etc.) before leaving and have started pricing out renter and auto insurance policies. I am hoping to tackle as much as I can in the next few weeks until I have a clearer picture of when I can leave and where I will go.

I am left with so much pain and so much fear. I don't know how I will do this on my own. How I will afford everything. Who will hire me. How I will manage the mental health repercussions of all of this for the kids and for me. All I think about or see anywhere I turn is happy couples, happy marriages, intact families. I know it is not always as it appears, but I am so sad that I will be part of the percentage that failed. That I have to wear the scarlet letter of D, that I may be alone for the rest of my days. I just feel ashamed.

Fold, I bought a white car a couple years ago. It seemed like the day I drove off the lot, every car on the freeway was suddenly white. Everywhere I looked, white cars. Now, obviously nothing changed other than how I was viewing things. Right now you see the couples with kids and the old couples holding hands. And it hurts. I get it- I felt that too. What you aren’t seeing are the couples who dine together but don’t say a word, or it’s all superficial. The ones who don’t want to be together, the ones who are in the same boat we are. Right now you are just actually attuned to seeing the ones that have what is on your brain. This will fade over time.

Get the biggest A-hole lawyer in town, and make sure that you, your future, and your kids are taken care of . You are correct that we BS have to deal with all the fallout for something someone else did. It’s what it’s referred to as the shit sandwich — we didn’t make it but we have to eat it.

You are not a failure. Your M is not a failure. Your WS failed the M and he failed you and your kids. Big difference.
And with the organized and logical approach you are taking, I am certain you will be fine. Keep your on the prize (you and the kids happy and away from this toxic mess) and you will get there.

(PS I grew up in military household and everyone knew everyone’s business on base. Getting away will be good.)

Keep moving forward, and be sure to take care of your emotional side. You need an outlet for all the stress and anger and hurt. Are you in IC? Working out at the gym? Venting to a good friend?

I'm so sorry you're hurting Fold. This is brutal. All infidelity is brutal but the legal stuff and complete upending of your life (and your children's lives) is dizzying. I, too, wonder at your ability to stay upright.

But as usual, you are doing great. If you aren't in IC (can't remember) please consider it. Your moving forward is smart and necessary but you need to grieve and process as well.

I hate to play the "let's assume this and that" game but my first thought was that he knows more will come out during this investigation and trial. If that's true, he may be cutting and running because he knows you won't be able to reconcile with him after that. If that's even a tiny bit true, all the better that you will be far away.

My heart really does hurt for you, but I truly believe you are going to end up really, really good. Your strong and smart. You got this.

I wish you a good night's sleep and five whole minutes of laughter, somewhere, somehow.

Bearly: you shared a good metaphor and I know that you are right. I know not everyone in the world is happily married, blissfully enjoying their little families. It just feels that way wherever I turn it look. I saw a husband, wife and kids around the same age as mine at a store today, laughing and holding hands and all I thought was "I’m soon not going to be married or have a husband and my kids won’t have a family like this family has." I know there are all types of families of course but it just seems so glaring right now: this is what you had and no longer have and your kids won’t be part of a traditional family again. It hurts so much.

I am in IC. I have had two zoom sessions and the therapist seems to be a good fit. I am trying to do a workout each morning, just light, and I’ve been going for a walk for an hour or most nights if my spouse is home when the kids are asleep. I am physically not well but trying to treat myself better.

I have a few people I can rely on to talk to who know all the details but nobody local anymore as the one local confidante moved a few weeks ago. The nature of the legal portion is tricky and we’ve been advised not to disclose to more than a couple people. And my spouse isn’t really talking to me, doesn’t want to talk about the deep things and I don’t want to do small talk. Other than the bombshell conversation yesterday. I think he is just trying to block it out, or trying to minimize conversation because it can get emotional or hard, but it feels really hurtful. I feel like a stranger on the street would stop to ask me if I was ok if they saw me crying or walked into the house and found me with my head sunk down on my desk, but he doesn’t. There is no attempt to comfort or support. To ask how I am or if I need anything. Even if I rebuffed it, I can’t because there is nothing there. That’s why I am posting here so much because I’m holding it in so much. My time is when the kids are eating lunch and I can go to the bathroom to cry for five minutes or write a post here. Or take a walk when they are in bed and he is home to watch them where I can cry silently in the dark. I’m low on outlets and high in emotional needs right now. It’s a devastating place to be.

TheEnd: thanks for your message. You always say such kind things and I know it is always from a good place. I appreciate the vote of confidence even and especially when I am feeling incredibly incapable and floundering.

Maybe there will be more to the legal situation, maybe not. I’m hoping to be far away, away from the military community, when it all comes out. Physically. And I will spend between now and then trying to figure out how I can shield myself from the scrutiny and fallout so I don’t crumble more than I have already. Otherwise the outcome is not in anyone’s control.

Tomorrow each of us will retain our family law attorneys. I pray that by the end of the week I will have a clearer picture of when I can leave, legally. I just want out of here and I need it. I feel such a physical pull to take my kids and run and hide with them under a blanket far away.

Just thinking here-My parents moved us 5 states away when I was 6, my sister was 3. I’m sure it was in the works for a while, we were clueless, but they put a very positive spin in it. I just remember them being excited, so we were excited. Since they didn’t show draining, crying, emotions, etc, I didn’t know how to feel, and I assume I was good with it. They could have told me how my grandparents were broken hearted, I was never going to see my friend again, etc, etc, but they were very positive. I’m just saying your children’s home is with you. Wherever you go, they will be good because they have you and they can still see their father. (My older brother died when I was 2, and I totally remember the trauma. I think a child who can see a parent it might not be as traumatic. (However, my parents weren’t divorced, so maybe someone on here whose parents divorced when they were young can give you insight on that. )

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:27 AM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Wherever you go, they will be good because they have you and they can still see their father.

But realistically, how often can they see him if they are across the country?

Fold, does your jurisdiction even allow you to move the children that far away without the other parent’s consent? My state does not, but I certainly don’t know every state’s law about that.

I am so sorry you are here Fold.

FWIW, you sound very strong and poised. It's clear you understand the relationship dynamics and you are trying to be realistic with what your WH is capable or not capable of based on what you know from years together. You are not allowing the words to cloud the reality of what you see in his actions (or lack of appropriate action).

You have put into words what I have been experiencing over the course of my entire relationship including 6 years of R. We are back here not because he cheated again, but because his inability to do the hard work required in life and marriage has him considering abandoning his job, and by extension, abandoning me. Once again, only after being confronted on this cowardly behavior, he is saying all the right words. In the past, i've wanted to believe him so badly that I have been unable to maintain my conviction. This behavior of acting out to such a degree that it leaves me feeling betrayed and fearful again is so contradictory to the words. After so many turns on this not-so-merry-go-round, I am out of trust and patience. But he interprets my boundaries as me leaving him or not supporting him.

I hope you find strength in your conviction and the knowing that you will get through this. Being in limbo is torture. It's stressful. It certainly doesn't help improve the relationship. It just gives the WS time to sweep things under the rug and wait us out until we aren't so emotional anymore.

does your jurisdiction even allow you to move the children that far away without the other parent’s consent?

Most states don't.

You will need to discuss this with your attorney, of course. If he gives permission, make sure he signs a legal document saying so.

Then,I believe you will have to establish residency for 6-12 months,before you can file for divorce.

does your jurisdiction even allow you to move the children that far away without the other parent’s consent?

I'm interested to see what Fold's lawyer says about this. I can't imagine the court requiring a military ex-spouse to remain near the duty station, especially when the WS's duty station could so easily change. My H and I lived on Camp Pendleton when he was in the USMC. If we had split and I had been required to stay in Oceanside or nearby, there's no way I could have afforded it. Southern California is expensive.

I also can't imagine Mr Fold asking this of Fold, but who knows.

I agree that it’s not something reasonable to ask of Fold—but in my opinion, it’s just as unreasonable in the reverse for one parent to ask permission to move the children all the way across the country, ESPECIALLY when the other parent is military and can’t follow at will.

I despise my H but I know I’m stuck in [State] for, basically, life, because of our permanently dependent disabled child—I’d never take his children away from him and I’d never give him permission to take them from me.

The difference with military is that the duty station isn't really a "home base," if that makes sense. Military personnel typically change duty stations every couple of years, including 1-3 year assignments overseas - sometimes accompanied by spouse and family and sometimes not. What's Fold supposed to do, follow him around the world? Better for her to settle the kids somewhere permanently and let him follow when he detaches from the military, which has the potential to happen sooner rather than later, unfortunately.

When my parents divorced, my Army dad went to Germany for three years, and Mom took me and my sister to Dallas. It sucked, but that's how it goes.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:08 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Well, true. I can see how the military would make it a special circumstance in her favor.

Homewrecked: thanks for sharing your story with me. We have moved a lot because of his job so moving is not new to the kids if they can properly remember. My 4 year old lived in 4 different countries before she had even turned 4. And kids are resilient. When the time comes I will hype it up (closer to godmother, closer to grandparents, there will be snow). We will make do and make a new home. No other choice and I’d hate for any residual stress to flow down if I can mask it.

Darkness: It’s a good point and also my main concern. I spoke with my attorney today (started process to file today) and he said I can relocate before the divorce is finalized and we can rush a separation agreement, custody order and support agreement so I can move with the kids. It is relief that I can begin to sort out a timeline.

My STBX supports us moving. He knows I need to start over and do it before the school year begins. He is committed to the financial support we have drafted and agrees he will begin every other weekend visitation, if desired, once signed by the court. Best case scenario is that he remains in our current state for about a year and can move to the city I am going to as is his plan. Worst case his freedom is gone and he can’t. I’m supportive of him spending time with the kids as he can. In between we will do Skype and they can talk by phone.

I know it sounds very abrupt and atypical, but he normally traveled for work about 70-75% of the time and always has since they were born. So all of us are used to him being physically with them just 5-7 days a month on average. In some regards visitation will be similar to what they’ve know.

Hellfire: Just posted a reply about the ability to relocate and in short the answer is yes. We are getting a separation agreement plus custody and child support agreements drafted this week. My WH is completely on board with our moving; he’s planning to assist with it (organize movers, drive my car across country while I fly with kids/pets). He knows I have no support or community here, that I need to settle before the school year begins, and to be honest, he has been so detached from confronting how he is wronged me I think he will have relief that the physical reminder of who he wronged won’t be sharing a bathroom with him any more. He of course will miss kid stuff, but it is a decision he supports. And the court will support it too (according to my attorney as we are on the same page).

Our divorce should be finalized by mid-August. I don’t legally have to stay where we currently are until it finalizes, and can Zoom in for the hearing. We live in a "rocket docket" state. Pretty much the only helpful part of this entirely horrid situation is that I can begin to put the legal aspects in the rear view quickly.

Darkness and Scared: I appreciate your input. I know it is tricky and it may look like I am taking them from him. I have considered that and the possible repercussions too. But I also know that he is in total support, maybe because he is just used to being a PT in-person dad due to his usual travel schedule (70-75%) or that he knows he really can’t ask me to stay after all he’s done to make this an untenable situation for me or that sadly he just wants to keep putting himself first and focus just on himself even if it means he doesn’t have access to the kids he has had for the last several weeks (the longest time he has spent home since we started a family by far). It’s just an atypical scenario, but I totally appreciate the concern and get why it sticks out as going a bit against the grain.

I appreciate you explaining your situation a bit more—it makes total sense and I can see how it’s a reasonable solution all around. I will say I do hope your STBX steps up once his legal issues are resolved and not only exercises his parenting time but builds actual relationships with the kids. It would be very unfortunate if he just slinks completely away from them and further damages them by adding abandonment to the shit sandwich.