SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out earlier this week that my husband has been cheating on me. I suspected months ago but did not have any proof and he kept telling me I was crazy and trying to convince me that I was not seeing things I actually saw. I now have irrefutable evidence and even when I confronted him with this he still tried denying it. This happened years ago but I had no proof so I let it go. At least now he acknowledges that this is not the first time. I asked him to leave and he refused to. He said he is not getting a divorce and he is not leaving. I do not trust anything he says and will never trust him again. I deserve better and I cannot stay in a marriage when the other party obviously does not want to be married. Any advice on where I do from here?

Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us. First have a look around at the great information in the pinned topics above and the healing library. Please understand that none of this is your fault. He made the choice to step outside the M.

Some additional information can help us. How long have you been married?
Any kids?

I do not trust anything he says and will never trust him again. I deserve better and I cannot stay in a marriage when the other party obviously does not want to be married. Any advice on where I do from here?

Cheating is a deal breaker, he broke is covenant with you. He manipulated and gas lighted you and now he refuses to leave. Take control of this and you run the show from now on. Do not allow him to continue to manipulate and control. Take care of yourself first, eating, drinking and sleeping healthy. Yea I know easier said than done, but it will help you think strait.

You are safe here, best wishes on this journey out of infidelity hell.

Welcome to the club that you’d never want to join.

First things first, I’d recommend getting a consultation with a lawyer to see what a divorce would entail in your situation. Different rules can apply depending on where you live.

Things you’ll need to consider: if you have kids - how custody will be determined; child support; spousal support or alimony based on your incomes.

He said he is not getting a divorce and he is not leaving.

Haha! The audacity to think he could decide that any more than you could say anything to stop him from his affairs. He sounds full of it. You don’t need his permission to file.

I do not trust anything he says and will never trust him again.

I already don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and this is just the first time hearing about him. His previous gaslighting and attempts to make you feel crazy don’t bode well for his case.

More members will be along soon, but good luck, OP.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 9:38 PM, Wednesday, August 9th]

Luckily there are no children. I have a grown daughter from a previous marriage. We have been married 13 years. I purchased the house as a sole and separate property. He is not on the mortgage or the deed. He says that he cannot afford to move out. I take care of all of the bills, he makes half as much as me but he only has his credit cards so he should be able to afford to support himself. He is trying to manipulate me and say he will just commit suicide and then he will be out of my life. This is just another one of his mind games. I just need a break from him and his energy which is difficult when we both work from home and live together. No guest room to escape to because we both have to have offices for work. I am literally spending all day and night together unless he goes out of town for what I thought was "business". I can't get away from the one person that made this uncomfortable situation.

I would at least ask him to leave the bedroom to help you get your bearings.

In the meantime good advice so far, but definitely need to make a few attorney appt's for interviews, and get the information on what his obligations are, and what D will look like for you, and ask about getting out of the home legally.

See your Dr get full STI testing this includes a pelvic, and blood work. Let your Dr know what's up. Ask for a referral for a trauma informed therapist. If you are not eating/sleeping let your Dr know too. For many this is the biggest trauma they have gone through in life, and it can set one in a constant fight/flight mode, which is tough on a person.

If you are struggling w/ eating get protein shakes, and make sure you are getting at least 80 grams of protein a day, lake of nutrition will make you more emotionally labile, and difficult to think clearly. If you are not sleeping, then stay away from alcohol even though it may "help" to fall asleep it isn't the good sleep you need now. Let your Dr know they can often prescribe something that will take the edge off and allow your mind to quiet enough to get a few hours a night.

Keep reading here, keep posting here.

Everything above plus if he tries to manipulate saying he will commit suicide, call 911 and report that. That will call his bluff or get him the help he needs. Either way, it’s a manipulation tactic so call the authorities if he tries saying it even once.

Because the home is his residence, it can be tricky to get him out of the house. Laws vary, so be sure to check with a lawyer. You may have to wait until the divorce is final. You can file the papers for D. It isn't solely his decision.

He is trying to manipulate me and say he will just commit suicide

This is a horrible manipulation, I agree with Deena04, call 911 and report it. I have been personally affected by suicide, my best friend and my MIL, the other thing they have in common was they never threatened it.

Look – that he resides in the house might make it more difficult for you to remove him but it’s still possible.
If you are committed to divorce, then keep in mind that decision doesn’t need to be mutual. Its enough that YOU file. It varies state-by-state but generally any property that was attained before marriage is not considered marital property. He possibly has a right to live there as his legal abode – just like you can’t throw out renters without due process. But if you file, and in that filing demand he leaves your property then it’s like you have given a renter an eviction notice and the clock starts ticking down.
When the divorce is finalized and you get your home back it’s inevitable that he move out anyways.

If he tries to manipulate you and threated suicide then ask him to do it cleanly and not in the house…
Nah… Seriously… If he starts threatening suicide then make it clear to him that it’s not what you want, but that it’s HIS issue. What he wants to do and plans to do is not in your control, but the decision to commit suicide is HIS decision and totally out of your control. And then call his best friend, a relative or someone that can help him in dealing with that thought.

The other thing to do if he using the threat of suicide as a manipulation tactic is to call the police for a wellness check on him.
This will either help him or stop him from trying to manipulate you.

He does not need to be in your bedroom. They make camping cots and sleeping bags that you can purchase at any Walmart or Amazon, he can sleep on the floor in his said office. Do not listen to his words, you know they mean nothing. Take action and let him know you mean business.

Speak with an attorney and find out what steps you need to take to get him out and starting taking them. With counsel will come clarity about what options you have, what your financial situation is and will be going forward, and the process generally. I presume you are in a country where he cannot simply "not let you divorce him" - that is ridiculous in most western countries. As your signature line indicates you are in AZ, you certainly can divorce him

His financial situation going forward simply isn't your problem. Him asking that you basically support him, when he has become a cancer to your life, sounds only to be helpful to him, not you. It sounds like you are done so there is nothing stopping you from proceeding with divorce but you. I would advise that even if you aren't sure, talking to a lawyer will help you understand what you would need to do to move in that direction.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:09 PM, Thursday, August 10th]

I forgot to mention that 8 years into our marriage he went to prison for 3 years for mail fraud. Nothing violent just white collar stuff. I stuck by him. When he got out our marriage was better than it had ever been. I felt like I had the partner that I wanted and needed. The problem is he is still on probabation and does not want to rock the boat with the probation office. I totally get that and I do not hate him, I still care what happens to him. Now he is asking if he can stay until his probation is complete. That is 7 more months. I am not sure if I should let him stay or not. I understand that this is his problem not mine but I am not an unfeeling person I care about him. He is afraid that if he moves they will reevaluate how much he has to pay the courts each month. He said he should just violate himself and go back to prison, which is stupid but that would be his decision. Has anyone continued to live with their spouse while going through the divorce process and how did it go?

[This message edited by TrustBetrayed at 7:35 PM, Thursday, August 10th]

If you own the house solely you can force him out.

Get a lawyer. Make it happen.

You do not need to help him with his probation. He can find a place to live and work it out with HIS probation officer.

You have done so much for him. He repaid your kindness by cheating. 😡😡😡

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:52 PM, Thursday, August 10th]

He is afraid that if he moves they will reevaluate how much he has to pay the courts each month.

Really he should've thought about his probation problems before cheating on you.
It sounds like he's a con artist all around--don't let him con you any further.

These are all the consequences of his own poor decisions (of which also sent him to prison so he has form here). I get that you don’t want to punish him unduly but it’s really not your problem.

Dday2 of affair 2. I told my H I was D him and he had to leave. He refused.

I made a phone call and found him a place to stay with a mutual friend. After that he was in his own.

I stripped him of any ability to make decisions regarding our Marriage, kids, etc.

He saw a side of me he never saw. And yes his name was in the deed to our home but I just did not care. And sleeping in a spare bedroom or basement was not an option.

My rage at him necessitated he had to go.

Now he is asking if he can stay until his probation is complete. That is 7 more months.

My guess is that he would want to use this time to hope things blow over with you. The thing that stands out most to me is that if he was really concerned for what he has done to you, he would respect your need for space. But with the little that you have mentioned, it seems that everything revolves around him. He is priority number one in his own mind.

You are already suffering consequences for his actions. Why do you need to suffer more? So that he suffers none?

You aren't being punitive. You have been quite respectful of his situation. It is time that he respects yours.