SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...at best, reconciliation is unearned pain and suffering for months/years followed by a "happy" semblance of the pre-affair marriage, with the BS still either playing marriage police or putting up 'healthy boundaries' to protect themselves, meaning even the BSes here who consider themselves happily reconciled still have had to have a reckoning about what they will and will not put up with in their marriage, meaning their WS's affair is forever a part of their life going forward.

I doubt that any of us who have R'ed accept a semblance of the pre-A M - that would be self-defeating, since it would just put us back into a sitch in which an A is in the future.

Healthy boundaries are needed in every relationship. For example, I'd say that one needs to give and demand honesty. Without that, the relationship is pretty weak. My guess is that the Rs that get into trouble are the ones in which honesty is not given and received. I think you're doing yourself a disservice if that's what you accept as R.

Yup, the A is unearned pain and is part of my history for as long as my memory works decently. So is the time I struck out with bases loaded. So is the near-death illness I experienced in 1966. So is the corneal erosion I experienced 2007-2009 (and boy! was THAT painful!). So is R. So are bike rides with son and GS. So is living overseas. So is experiencing things I always wanted to experience and other things that I never knew I wanted to experience. Etc., etc., etc. Life is a mixture of good, bad, in between, and outside good and bad.

You seem to have an image of R that doesn't match what people who have actually R'ed say it is.

I get that you're unhappy. That's important for you to notice. The way out is to attend to your unhappiness, change what you can and want to change, and accept what you decide to keep. Instead, you're telling yourself and others that R sucks. That's not healing. It's just playing what Eric Berne's clients called the game of Ain't It Awful.

Staying together isn't R. R takes work. It takes monitoring one's self - not one's partner(s) - and raising issues that one recognizes on one's own. And it pretty much requires ending R if too many issues don't get resolved.

My reco is to stop thinking you're trapped.

And wow, talk about gaslighting. It wasn't important to me. I formulated a stat backed up by reading through these forums for the last 8 years, that no one has actually effectively countered except for 2 BSes (ignoring WS's "not me" because who knows what the BS in that sitch thinks) to say "well that's not MY experience, therefore it must not be true." In fact, my second comment suggested SI conduct a poll. But folks still piped up to debate it.

I don't get the reference. You do need to recognize that when you state a generalization, one exception blows the generalization out of the water.

To the original poster:
It has been nearly 8 years since my husband’s several month period of cheating with a married employee. It was a horrible episode in both our lives. He has done a very poor job of coming clean and TT is an understatement. With that said, I would still say he has never come anywhere close to infidelity or even the most remote sketchy behavior since that time. Nor was he ever unfaithful before that period of time. At the present time he takes complete ownership for his actions, no blame to share. He is completely transparent with all devices, locations etc. Recently it has started to feel really ridiculous for me to check these things because I never find anything. None of this means recovery is a foregone conclusion. I am still unsure whether I can get the pain down to a level that I can tolerate. My family trauma had been my grandfather cheating and then my father cheating. It was my greatest fear. So I can’t say fully that I will choose to stay. We are trying to sort that out. But as far as his actions to become a safe partner I can’t fault him much. I do think there are some people who will never cheat again. He never relapsed into contact or anything like that. He was always afraid she would come back on the scene and reveal to me the true detail of what had happened, because he had not revealed the physical part until last year. So he was a liar but really just a one time cheater. That is bad enough. But, for people who are hoping that there are more cases of people who cheated once and were done, I would say my situation is an example of that.

What confuses me about many posts on this site is why many BSes even wanted to stay married to their WS in the first place from some of the things I read. If the WS was a complete a****** to you before you found out about the A, why would R even be on the table?

I'm new to this club and it's just hard to process it all. When BSes talk about "love bombing", I don't even know what that is because preA my WH told me he loved me all the time and showed me he loved me all the time so it's confusing. Also, I haven't had to ask him to do any work (IC, accepting 100% responsibility, sharing pertinent information no matter how painful it is for me to hear, reading self-help literature, expressing sincere remorse, etc). I feel like if you have to ask your WS to do work, or your WS is telling you they don't know what they want, or you have to do the 180, why do you want to salvage anything with this type of person who wasn't even a "good" S priorA? And it seems that many of the posters that are quick to recommend D fall into this category.
I take a lot of what I read here with a grain of salt because all of our experiences are insanely different.

I feel like if you have to ask your WS to do work, or your WS is telling you they don't know what they want, or you have to do the 180, why do you want to salvage anything with this type of person who wasn't even a "good" S priorA? And it seems that many of the posters that are quick to recommend D fall into this category.

I only recommend R if the WS is willing to show empathy remorse and put in the work to become a trustworthy partner. There are those here in which cheating is always a dealbreaker therefore they will always suggest D. I advise leaving if I can spot similarities in what I experienced and what they are experiencing. Getting a D is one of the hardest things I've had to do and go through besides the infidelity and emotional abuse. Another thing I realized about myself post infidelity is how I was unable to let it go and I couldn't regain respect back for my partner. I don't know if my reactions would be different with a remorseful spouse because I never experienced but I have a strong sense that I am not cut out for R.

Replying to Trapped, me right here 🙋‍♀️ only had one D day. I don’t feel "lucky" , but did want to push back on that erroneous absolute that no BS exists with only one d day. 🤷‍♀️ sorry, for the thread Jack

Trapped74 – You can’t claim to speak for the experience of ALL BS, even if their experience is not your own, and suggest things like this….

A BS who doesn't separate or divorce immediately becomes a pushover in the eyes of their WS. Which leads to further lies, trickle truths, and DDays.

So to answer the original question: at best, reconciliation is unearned pain and suffering for months/years followed by a "happy" semblance of the pre-affair marriage, with the BS still either playing marriage police or putting up 'healthy boundaries' to protect themselves, meaning even the BSes here who consider themselves happily reconciled still have had to have a reckoning about what they will and will not put up with in their marriage, meaning their WS's affair is forever a part of their life going forward.

…and then claim that YOU are the one being gaslit when you receive pushback from people. I’m a real person and you don’t get to speak for me. Full stop. If you’d said something like, "BS who mean business and stick up for themselves, tend to get better results," – I don’t think you’d have the same sort of pushback. You overspoke and were wrong – own that. I'd also remind you (as a member) that you are posting in the R forum (rather than general).

I responded to your other post that I now see was "trying to prove something", but I will tell you that I do not consider the one single time I received trickle truth to be a second D-day. You might, and that’s fine, but I don’t. Was it a big fucking deal to me at the time, and a serious setback in R? You bet, but it certainly wasn’t in any way equivalent to a new Dday in mind.

To OP:

I try to use this site for information and possible hope but it just makes me feel like no cheater can become a safe partner ever again. It makes me feel a lot worse about my situation.

It seems reconciliation is impossible according to 99% of the users here.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I will tell you from my own lived experience, R is possible and it isn’t miserable years later. That doesn't mean that it will be successful for everyone who wants it, but it was for me. Honestly the main reason I stick around was because when I was brand new, I felt like R felt a bit "unicorn" like too, and what I wanted was reassurance and positive examples. I think a lot of people who are happy with where they are (in either R or D) simply move on because years out, they just don’t think about infidelity anymore.

It makes sense to me that people who have had bad experiences are more vociferous posters. It also makes sense to me that people want to warn others not to make the same mistakes that they made.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 10:40 PM, Wednesday, October 4th]

Sincity, my experience was similar. He never tried to blame me, took full responsibility, sought counseling; no contact immediately, came clean…. Etc. and he wasn’t an ass while cheating. He treated me well (to my face) which I suspect is why I wanted to reconcile. I looked at it as a "his problem" and I wasn’t willing to blow up my life for his problem that he immediately went to work on. I figured I’d stay as a pampered roommate or he’d actually do the work and I could rekindle a relationship. Either way, I didn’t see the pros of splitting up all we owned and built. 🤷‍♀️

OnTheOtherSide - yes, I feel identical as you. It's still early for me, so right now I am just watching and trying to take care of me. I can't imagine moving into an apartment with my kid, giving up my life and my security - I'm sorry if that sounds shallow but it's how I feel. And the biggest part is that I simply still love my husband and I know he loves me in spite of what he has done to us. As long as I see him working on himself and striving to be a better person, I am here for it.

I had zero clue of what my WH was doing behind my back and even looking back, I still don't see any red flags on his part. He was always home for the most part. And even though I know he is 100% responsible for the destruction of our marriage, I know I wasn't the best partner to him (one example is him trying on multiple occasions for years to talk to me about the lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage to which I would respond, I'm not interested in sex and why doesn't he just go find someone to sleep with and I wouldn't care). We both have alot of individual issues to work on and for me, at this moment in time, the thought of reconciliation is "easier" than divorce.

Where are you now in your journey, if you don't mind me asking?

[This message edited by Sincity at 1:30 PM, Thursday, October 5th]

Sincity, Over 5 years out and doing well. It is such a cliche’ and no I will never be grateful he was a cheater, but we are closer and more connected than we’ve ever been. His therapy has granted him the tools to be emotionally more available. No regrets in staying at all. He continues to be remorseful, is an open book, and continues to talk about his cheating on the rare occasion a question comes up. The one advice I would offer anyone working on R is to stick firm to your absolutes, but remember these are still human beings and there is no such thing as a perfect human being. Early on, I struggled with him not being perfect. I’d fly off the handle if he couldn’t read my mind or say and do what I wanted over anything (even non affair related). My illogical thinking was "after the pain you caused, I deserve only perfection from you. You’re not allowed to mess up or ever get angry at me again even when I am being unreasonable". Ya, that was dumb. Finally, I realized I needed a perfect record from here on out on fidelity and I’ve gotten it. Most other imperfections I can handle and he deals with mine. He’s developed into a truly worthy, lovable man.

One thing I’d like to point out in this forum is not the only place to find infidelity support and trying to estimate percentages of reconciled, vs divorced, Vs repeat offenders will not provide an accurate result. I know 10 couples in real life (off the top of my head) who have reconciled (seemingly happy, who truly knows but them?) from infidelity. This includes a spectrum of offenses from a one night stand, to serial cheating, to longterm affairs. Only one has been on this site and didn’t stay long, because in her words it was full of "pitched fork bitterness trying to prove their experience must and will be everyone else’s"🤷‍♀️ Others simply didn’t think anonymous strangers would help them. There are many ways to heal and exit infidelity. This site is helpful to many, but using it for statistics doesn’t seem helpful or accurate.

Reading through some of these comments,and I'm just shaking my head.

Bragging that you've only had one dday,and your WS did the work,took full responsibility, etc.

I realize I am very biased right now. I do. I'm still going to share.

My wh did ALL of that. Every bit of it. Never blamed me. Not one time in 15 years. Has always maintained he was happily married. Immediately went NC. Immediately became fully transparent. He stumbled in the beginning, with giving me details. He didn't want to hurt me,ya know. But he got it together very quickly. He found remorse. He did the damn work. WE were good.

Now I'm staring at dday2.

I'm not a fool. I certainly wasnt just fooling myself. I watched. For YEARS. He was every bit as remorseful as the MOST remorseful wh here on SI. He checked every box.

Yet. Here I am.

Bragging to people who have had more than one dday,that you've only had one..isn't the flex some of you think it is.

And,just because it's been years,and things are great..it doesn't mean he won't do it again.

Which is why every BS needs to work on themselves. Reconciliation is a huge gamble. It may pay off in the next several decades of your life. It may not. You need to be ok if it happens again. Work on yourself. Have a plan. Because years can go by..and you find yourself,again, with a cheater.

Off to continue to execute my plan...

Hellfire, I don’t think any of us were "bragging" or "flexing" about only one D day. I certainly wasn’t. I simply pushed back on Trapped’s erroneous absolute that not one reconciled member here has had only one D day. I am sorry you are in pain again. It truly sucks, but Trapped was simply wrong.

Hellfire,
And I will add that there is no good cheater vs bad. They are all acting horrendously while cheating. Some pull their head out of their asses right away, some
Take awhile, and some never do. I can promise you that those of us (okay at least me, I shouldn’t speak for others) who have a spouse who seemingly woke up quickly do not feel as this is anything to brag or flex about. I can guarantee you I am not now nor have ever been of the mindset "yay me! I have a good cheater". One does not exist. Truth be told, early on I was a bit envious of those who had a souse who left as it eliminated any difficult decisions. Cheating sucks. Period! However, there are a lot of different outcomes.

Bragging to people who have had more than one dday,that you've only had one..isn't the flex some of you think it is.

It's not about bragging. It's about addressing inaccurate overbroad generalizations made by someone who is being explicitly denigratory about about R generally in the R forum, where posts are supposed to be respectful and constructive. I appreciate my experience is not the experience of everyone, I've always been clear on that. My experience is not yours (and yours is not mine). It is not bragging to point out my own experience when someone who has not R'd (and does not know my marriage), purports to speak for what R is like in all cases, including mine.

And,just because it's been years,and things are great..it doesn't mean he won't do it again.

Which is why every BS needs to work on themselves. Reconciliation is a huge gamble. It may pay off in the next several decades of your life. It may not. You need to be ok if it happens again. Work on yourself. Have a plan. Because years can go by..and you find yourself,again, with a cheater.

I agree with this too. All relationships are a gamble, and once infidelity has taken place, it throws whatever odds we think are in place out the window. I think it's an important reminder for anyone here to not put all their eggs in another person's basket because we are the only person in the world whom we control. OP's entire initial post suggests she is aware of this too. She, like many people, have the impression that it's doom/gloom from here on out because certain voices seem louder than others. My post was intended to intentionally counter that, because that's what I needed to hear when I was where OP was. I'm certainly not naive and I never approached R from the perspective that if my husband did X,Y and Z he'd be immune from ever hurting me again. But I get one life, and I am not going to spend the objectively good parts being miserable because a bad thing (that I have absolutely no control over) might happen in the future.

I think I will avoid speaking about R in this forum,for now.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:06 PM, Thursday, October 5th]

Greto

I’m a bit surprised – maybe even pleasantly – to see that you think this site has an anti-reconciliation slant.

I personally don’t think it has. However, one of the most common negative thing mentioned about SI on other infidelity sites is that this is a hotbed for the confused people that think reconciliation is even possible! Strange thing is that you can easily recognize some of those that post on other sites and connect to their profile here, and as you imply many of them are still in their marriage despite thinking R isn’t feasible.

However… Deciding to reconcile and actually doing the work is comparable to deciding to go on a diet and joining a gym and then actually eating according to a plan and hitting the weights five times a week, in-between morning jogs and meditation. A lot of people think that simply having the WS promise to end their affair it is enough and they are in R, when at best they have a book on how to eat cauliflower to get healthy. They still have to read it, cook the meals and eat them…

It IS a lot of work, and IMHO it requires a change in the marriage. The usual suspects – kids, family, finances… - make great incentives but terrible reasons. If you reconcile then BOTH you and the WS need to want it, have a joint goal and then work towards it. Unfortunately getting that vision and doing that work is about as hard as subsiding on forementioned cauliflower diet…

HellFire, I don't think anyone here is bragging. Am I supposed to distort the experience I am having with my WH when I say he appears to be doing all the right things?
I am sorry you are hurting, we all are. My WH taking responsibility for his actions doesn't make his affair any easier for me to swallow. But it is what it is. I cannot predict or control how he behaves in the future, if he will have another affair or if he even still is. It's a chance I have to take for ME. All I can do is be the best version of myself for me and what my WH does is of his doing. I hope and pray years from now I don't have to deal with infidelity in my M again, but if there was a next time, I have to deal with it however I feel best for me. For me, there won't be a second chance.