SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. So as the title says, I’m once again a BS (45f) and I’ve never been more lost or devastated.

My WH (42) and I have been married 17y and we have a 15y son. WS has had boundary problems our entire marriage. We worked together until it finally blew up in 2018. He had a LDA with "future planning," but they never met in person. He broke it off and went immediately into IC and he has been going until May-ish this year. I immediately went into IC as well and attended until Nov ‘22 when my counselor suddenly passed. We were in MC for a little over 2 years and put all our efforts into R.

Had you asked me the state of my marriage 2 weeks ago, I would have told you it was a long, hard road, but we did it. We had R’d and our marriage is the best it ever was. I was healed. We were healed. He had my most honest, vulnerable and authentic self and I thought I had that in return. I was wrong. I found another woman and he TT’d me to admitting to having EA’s with 3 OW. What is so hurtful is he was still in IC when this started and chose the A’s instead of actually using his IC for support.

I can’t emphasize the time, effort and mental cost I (we) went through to build a new, better marriage after 2018 and it’s a shitter that this is my prize. I am so much more devastated now than I was 5yrs ago. First R, I conceded that our marriage had problems I took responsibility for my part and busted my ass to fix my issues. This time, though, I literally can’t. There’s nothing I can fix. This was 100% HIS choice and I’m really struggling. He threw it all away for people he didn’t even know their names. Just a username on a screen. Never saw, talked on the phone, no pics, nothing. Just unknown persons he carried on with in discord.

He’s "doing the right thing" as far as conventional affair advice goes. NC, deleted discord, back to IC and he’s already attended an SLAA meeting. Which the human in me is glad he reached out, but our relationship is so deeply damaged that it takes my breath away. All I can do is hurt for our son. He understood, at an appropriate level for a 10y, what his father had done and watched with his own eyes as we recovered. Now he’s 15, already experienced infidelity in his personal relationship and really knows what’s up this time. I’m disabled, unable to work, unable to support myself or my son and I’m just so incredibly broken.

He is damaged. You must make a tough choice but one which will get you of infidelity. Good luck. Get a lawyer and start the divorce.

So sorry you're back. It is devastating after investing so much into R.

I would suggest a hard 180, and to get your ducks in a row.

He’s "doing the right thing" as far as conventional affair advice goes.

Sadly, if he'd been "doing the right thing" he wouldn't have been doing what he was.

Can you R again? Maybe, but you know that it's a rough road. You might take the time now to recover, then decide what is best for you to do. You don't have to decide today.

Please take care of yourself and your son.

I’m so sorry. Please see a lawyer and get a picture of what D might look like. You may get more resources than you know. Meanwhile, re-read the 180 and start detaching. You need emotional room to think and decide what you want to do next.

Take care of your health, and make sure you DS has the support he needs.

Please please please see an attorney or 3. Get an idea of what D looks like for you. I'm sure you are afraid being disabled but you should not stay with a broken man that will obviously continue to this time and again. You deserve much better than this.

Thank you all for your advice. I did go immediate 180 when I found out. The brush up was a good idea, though. I’ve honestly gone as far as total grey rock. I’ve had my weaker moments and come close to breaking down. I just feel like he doesn’t deserve that part of my pain right now.

The most conversation we’ve had is how to handle DS. I do believe we are on the same page as a co-parent strategy. I want to really do what’s best for him. D is weighing heavy on my mind. I have insisted on legal separation since d-day and am at the research stage.

I think there’s too much damage to even begin considering R again. I love him, but I just don’t think it’s in the cards for us. I think he white knuckled it until he couldn’t anymore. This isn’t something I’m going to tolerate in my life. I guess I just wanted to get it out there so that I know it’s not me that’s the crazy one.

Cheating is 100% his fault BOTH TIMES!!!

Cheating once can be a weakness in character.
Cheating twice, after an affair has been exposed, is a deliberate, self destructive, manipulative, and selfish choice fully knowing the devastation and pain it will cause.

I'm with everyone else on the 180 and getting your ducks in a row.

As for DS, (you might consider counseling) always remember - if your DS was in the same situation, what would you want them to do? Set an example for DS on what it means to be an empowered and capable individual who can effectively deal with the shit that gets thrown her way, who respects herself and her values, and can navigate through the adversity to rise above and take care of her own emotional wellbeing. That is perhaps one of the most powerful lessons a child can learn.

I figured out how to quote, so that's good.

Cheating is 100% his fault BOTH TIMES!!!

Yes, absolutely. I take zero responsibility for his cheating either time. I spent a lot of time in IC coming to terms with this fact the first time. Nothing I did or didn't do caused this, it was him and his choices alone. I grew and realized that I must own my shit for my half of the relationship. Better communications, boundaries, etc. are all things that need to be examined for a really healthy marriage. I was invested 100%.

Cheating twice, after an affair has been exposed, is a deliberate, self destructive, manipulative, and selfish choice fully knowing the devastation and pain it will cause.

I 100% agree. This is what I'm struggling with right now the most. It was a deliberate act. It was on purpose. He had a world of options and he chose the nuclear one. I have no idea why. Through my self work, I accepted the fact that "hurt people, hurt people," but we were so passed that in our relationship. I trusted him so much that we were in the first steps of building a business together. The betrayal is so, so much worse. I keep telling myself how many times must one scream that they don't love or respect you before you get it through your stupid head.

As for DS, (you might consider counseling) always remember - if your DS was in the same situation, what would you want them to do?

He is scheduled with his counselor for the beginning of Nov. I wish it were sooner, but such is the mental health system. It is a very delicate situation. DS is a gifted child, he skipped 4th grade and goes to a college prep HS where he is the youngest in class. His life is full of AP and college co-op classes. He is under a lot of pressure for a just turned 15yo and how we handle this is going to have a lasting impact on him. Yes, in hindsight, I should have not tried for R and never let WS home and gone through the D when he was 10, but I was fooled. Now he's paying for my choice and it enrages and kills me a little inside. I cannot set either the example that you can treat people you love like garbage and they should keep coming back OR that your boundaries in a relationship don't matter and that it's OK for people you love to hurt you in unimaginable ways. He's an emotionally intelligent young man, knows the implications of what's going on and I refuse to allow his father's choices to mess up his future relationships.

Internally, I don't want to pull the plug. That'd be me admitting defeat, admitting I was wrong about WS, admitting that to a degree I am responsible for the place I am now. I feel guilty, stupid, gullible for purposefully putting myself and DS in this situation.

I'm sorry you are here again and hate to welcome you to the false reconciliation club. While not a founding member, I am part of the welcome wagon no one ever wants to see. You have my deepest condolences and sympathies.

You said:

I am so much more devastated now than I was 5yrs ago.

This is normal after false R especially where the BS has been lead to believe their WP is really into trying to R - I would agree and add that after d-day 2 when I discovered a year later that the A had never really ended, I was so much more devastated - it really wasn't a comparison between d-day 1 and d-day 2 - the destruction was just so much more total. I think SerJR hit the nail on the head with why the second time is so much worse for most than the first:

Cheating twice, after an affair has been exposed, is a deliberate, self destructive, manipulative, and selfish choice fully knowing the devastation and pain it will cause.

My WH's A was different than yours - same person, IRL, married, co-worker, married to a friend - but really none of that really matters much at this stage. The trust, for me, was blown to bits, and if I'm honest, it will never be the same again. While I do trust my WH now (we are not really in R romantically but we have Red our friendship) I know he has the ability to do what he did - so the naivete of our prior relationship is gone and with it, the pedestal I had him on. None of these things are bad really - but getting here was hard and was a lot of his doing. He is all in. It's now me that is on the fence.

All that being said, taking care of yourself, especially in what sounds like a bit of a dependent situation - figuring out what you need to get yourself into a position of independence is key. As for your son, I am not of the mind of staying together for the kids. I was in your son's situation (but I was younger) and the best thing my parents did for me and my sibling was to separate - as a child you FEEL that tension between your parents - you just do, even if you don't know what it's about, and it's a horrible place to be. I had no idea about the A for quite some time - like over a year (until my mom had to tell us she was pregnant as she wasn't going to be able to hide it much longer) - but while I did not know what was going on but it was clear things were not good in our house. There were quite a few outdoor arguments (we lived in the country so my parents would often argue outside while we were in the house so we could not hear what was going on but we knew it wasn't good) or murmurs from my parents bedroom and just a lot of tension and sadness. Your son is older and knows what has happened - but he's still a kid. He's still looking to you to show him the way.

It sounds like you know what you need to do for your and for him - one step at a time - you will get there.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:30 PM, Thursday, October 12th]

AlternateReality,

I don't have any advice for you but wanted to let you know that I am in a similar situation right now. We made it through R after a PA/EA my WH had. I thought our marriage was the strongest it had ever been. I found that WH was having an affair with the woman of a couple we often spent time with. A woman I considered a friend. They say there was no sex involved but I know there was kissing and touching and a definite EA taking place. I am beyond devastated.

Again, I have no advice. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone. Please take care of yourself and your son. He sounds like an amazing young man.

Internally, I don't want to pull the plug. That'd be me admitting defeat, admitting I was wrong about WS, admitting that to a degree I am responsible for the place I am now. I feel guilty, stupid, gullible for purposefully putting myself and DS in this situation.

Of course you do, little sister.
It's because you care.
It's because you care that you feel the loss.
It's because you care that you are afraid and feel guilty.
It's because you care that you give the very best of yourself.
But please know - you can do everything right and still lose the day.
And that's okay.
Because when you stand for your values...
When you stand up for what you believe...
When you fight for what you care for...
There is no possible way you can fail.
Heroes fail in the task, all - the - fucking - time.
What defines a hero is those four or five moments that matter...
Where they don't fail themselves.
It's not a matter of can or can't.
Some things in life you just have to do.
You just gotta make sure not to lose yourself.
You can be at peace with your decision, and with yourself, when you are ready to make it.

I am so sorry that you gave the generous gift of R and put in the gruelling time to repair it all after he broke it, only to have him betray you again. I have no doubt this is many times more painful, because what you have invested now goes beyond the normal investment of marriage - the grace and love required for R is untold.