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A month ago, I (34M) discovered my wife (33F) of 6 years is having an affair for god knows how long. Her AP is her college friend and also a coworker. I knew this guy personally and met him a few times during social gatherings. He is single.

I am utterly devastated. The last time I felt close to this level of pain was when my grandma died during COVID. She was the closest thing I had. I was a troubled kid with a lot of anger issues, and understandably, my parents were angry at me most of the time. I had done many stupid things in my teen years. My grandma was the only one who had my back all those times. I loved her more than anyone, and losing her gave me an unforgettable pain that has been surpassed by the pain of my wife's affair. Around that time, my wife had a miscarriage and lost our first child. So yeah, double pain for me.

Miscarriage led my wife into depression, and lockdown made it worse. So, I worked from home for a year while simultaneously managing household chores to help assist my wife. She had left her job during pregnancy. That added to her stress. I was there for her emotionally and physically as much as she needed throughout that year. We both went to therapy. We both read books to heal. I took her to my grandma's village house for a change in environment, peace, etc. All these activities worked. She was getting back to her old self. I was healing, too. Also, every year, I go to a yoga and meditation center for a week or two to meditate, manage my anger, and have more control over my emotions. I have been going there for the last nine years. I took my wife too for the past 4 years. It helped us immensely that particular year.

So, after a year and a half since her miscarriage, she felt healed and recovered and decided to go back to the job field. I thought it was a good idea. So, I encouraged her to go. She then joined a firm with a help of her college friend's recommendation. He also works there. I thought we were past our difficult times. All of that changed a month ago when I made a horrible discovery. I was furious. I immediately left home and stayed at my friend's house for a few days. I was scared of losing control over my anger.

I feared I might do something stupid. I wanted to confront her. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him. I wanted to kick my wife out of my house. I was thinking of many ugly ways to do them. That really scared me. So, I called the yoga center and informed them that I was coming there to stay and meditate for 30 days. I felt that was my only safe place. I had to control my anger to avoid doing something that I might regret later. I wish my grandma was here. She would definitely have some sage advice for me. She knew how to handle me and save me from my own anger. Meanwhile, my wife was panicking and desperately calling almost every hour. I told her that I wasn't in my right mind and needed time and a safe place away from her to calm myself down and get some clarity on what to do next. I didn't talk to her about her affair. I didn't ask her any questions regarding it, although she was very desperate to ‘explain’ everything. I didn't want to hear any of it. Not then. Not now.

So, I came to the yoga center and have been staying there for the past 27 days. I told my wife to call me only when there's an emergency, and I asked her to respect my safe place. Fortunately, she has been cooperative on both.

Right now, I am doing better. I won't lie, the initial days here were pretty rough on me, but pretty soon I found peace and calmness in my erratic and disturbed mind. I was trying not to think about my wife's affair until today. But, since I will be leaving my home after the next 3 days and have to decide what I want, I started thinking about everything that happened. I am trying to decide which course I should take and, most importantly, what I actually want. I am really struggling between what I want and what is good for me. I am confused and frustrated. So, we need help, insights, advice, etc.

I have a simple question for both those who chose R and D. What did you realistically expect from the choice you made?? And how did you make that choice?? How did you know this was what you wanted? ?

How bad is this betrayal? Although it's been more than a month since my dday, I have not spent a single day with my wife since then. So, I don't know how painful and difficult living with her will be.

I loved her. still do. But I am scared of her. I am scared of who she might have become. She is scared of the whole truth of her affair. I am scared it will destroy me completely. How did you all deal with this fear of the unknown??

And we don't have children.

Sorry for this long and chaotic post. Any advice is welcome. 🙏

[This message edited by twinflamed at 3:00 AM, Saturday, February 17th]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too, wish your grandma were here to comfort and advise you.

My choice was to D. I was very young (We got married when I was 19.) He just kept cheating on me, and I had had enough. I was very young and good looking and couldn't see myself at 20 or 30 years down the road dealing with the same issues but without youth on my side. I loved him very much. I did not want a D. But I felt I had no choice. What I expected from the D was peace, and the chance to start over.

It didn't happen right away. To be fair I had a lot of growing up to do. But today I am married to a good and faithful man, and my ex husband can't keep a woman, probably because he is a serial cheater.

I wish you the best.

I am sorry for your pain but applaud the steps and choices on how to put yourself first during this traumatic experience. Very smart move.

I don’t think you can decide right now whether to D or not. You don’t know how your wife will react to seeing you. You don’t know her mindset.

She could be completely remorseful and very sorry for what she did. She could do everything she can to try to make amends.

But that doesn’t mean you can (or should) accept that. You may be unsure of how you want to proceed. You may think you can forgive her and stay married, only to later decide you tried your best but you cannot stay married to a cheater.

You could also return home and realize she’s not sorry and she’s blaming you for her affair. That it is your fault (which is not true but typical cheater behavior btw).

I think you need time to figure out what you will do. It may take a few days or weeks or months. Don’t pressure yourself.

I can tell you I was certain I was D my H after his last affair 10 years ago. I had everything in place. I even told him I was D him. But somehow in 30 days he managed to give me reason to consider another option. My counselor at the time helped me to see things I just wanted to ignore. I didn’t want to see he was doing everything possible. I didn’t want t to let go of my rage and anger.

Anyway we have happily Reconciled. It was not easy. But then again neither is Divorce.

For some people cheating is a dealbreaker. I thought I was one of those people. But I learned that I really didn’t know myself like I thought I did.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:46 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

And, we don't have children.

My advice is to RUN! You dodged a bullet.

If you attempt reconciliation, you need to find out,at least,the basics of the affair. And make requirements of her. Full transparency, full access to the phone,and all accounts, std tests, she has to be no contact with om,and she needs to find another job. That's the minimum.

I reconciled. He did the work that is talked about here. Was remorseful. All of it. I'm not an idiot. I know what he needed to do. And he did it. He was genuine in his efforts. Guess what? I just had another dday. He's been cheating again. After over a decade of reconciliation.

I used to believe,if a ws did the real work,and was truly remorseful, the chances of them cheating again were slim to none. Now I know that's bullshit. My new thoughts on reconciliation is, if they did it before, they're much more likely to do it again. Sometimes the work sticks. Sometimes it doesn't. I am not alone in this. We get quite a few members, who return to the forums,after years of "reconciliation," because their cheater cheated again. So now I believe, the work they do..works..until it doesnt,and they're presented with the opportunity to do it again. Only, the next time, they're smarter. They know how they were caught before,so they know how to get away with it better than before.

You have no kids. The marriage is relatively short. Trust will never be 100% again. IMO, it's not worth risking your mental health..or your life (stds are a real thing)..on someone who could abuse you like this.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:10 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

I did not want a D. But I felt I had no choice.

This is where I am struggling. How do I know that I don't have any choice? In your case its understandable because your ex was a serial cheater. What if this was my wife's only affair? How to know whether I have a choice or not? What if she does it again? Most of the recent stories in JFO are pretty much "I am back" kinda stories. I don't want to be back. I want it to be resolved one way or other (i.e. R or D).

Also, I am extremely sorry for what you went through. But, I am beyond happy to know you made it through. I needed to hear that its possible to get through it. Thank you so much.

I don't want to be back. I want it to be resolved one way or other (i.e. R or D).

Either way you look at this, I wouldn't expect a solid "resolution". Both directions will be hard, with ongoing challenges. But looking at what Gutpunch said, the absence of children is a huge factor. With no children, divorce can be a much cleaner break. IMHO, reconciliation is a never-ending long-haul, even in the best of situations.

There is no guarantee. None. It's a huge gamble. For some it pays off. For others, it pays off...until it doesnt.

Even those who "only" have one affair. Even those who do the work. Even those who seem remorseful. It's a huge gamble.

There are some amazing former waywards here. I have tremendous respect for them. So it's possible.

But..in MY opinion, there's a reason the wayward forum is one of the slowest,least posted on forums, on this site.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:34 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

Do you really know anything right now? Serial cheater or not, whether or not she loves this other man, or has other deep connections? The advice is usually, don't offer R right away, get an attorney, demand full disclosure and effort, get an std test.

I followed none of the advice myself, my WW painted her issue as a pursuit for sex after she lost a parent, truth is she had a long term EA that continues. I offered R right away, did not get an STD check for awhile (she had given me an STD), did not hire an attorney (that has cost me $), WW "disclosure" was a joke and massive manipulation of me.

Please tread carefully, read the advice, and be very careful of your rose colored glasses. You'll see a lot more clearly once you stop viewing them as a source for information. You've been lied to and manipulated for an extended period of time, she's no amateur at pulling your strings. Be wary, it is not the time to extend trust. Trust has been broken, it takes time, transparency, and honesty to even begin to restore trust.

I am sorry for your pain but applaud the steps and choices on how to put yourself first during this traumatic experience. Very smart move

Thank you for your kind words. Ever since I realised the devastating affects of my anger and impulsive behavior 10 years ago, I have been following these steps to control my rage in such moments of crisis. So, I just followed these same steps after DDay.

But that doesn’t mean you can (or should) accept that. You may be unsure of how you want to proceed. You may think you can forgive her and stay married, only to later decide you tried your best but you cannot stay married to a cheater

THIS is what I am struggling with. Thank you for identifying my problem and putting out here in a simple and easily comprehensible way. I was finding it difficult to understand this particular problem of mine.

Before I could make the call whether my wife is safe for R or not based on her post-dday response and behavior, I need to know whether I am safe/capable for R. I just dont want to turn into something that I dont like while attempting to R. Even if my wife is 100% remorseful and an ideal candidate for R, this will not work if I am not the right candidate for R. So, how do I know if am capable for R? How did you know that you were capable?

You went through two infidelities of your H and still survived and thrived through R! That is inspiring and courageous. I just hope that I have half of your strength and patience. Thank you.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity has been the most painful experience in my life, including the death of my mom and my in-laws. It takes years to heal, so give yourself some grace during this time.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful, as well as a few that have been "bumped" for you to read. Also, the Healing Library is a good resource - plus, it contains a list of the acronyms we use.

For me, I was in a very long M with additional issues. After reviewing the M, thinking about what I wanted and needed from my M, I had decided that I was going to D. I hadn't totally decided when my XWH (wayward ex-husband) confessed to inappropriate contact with another lady. That was the hard line I'd drawn in the sand, so we D. Initially, I was afraid because I didn't know what the future held, but knew that I deserved to be treated better than the way my XWH treated me. Frankly, I should have left a long time ago.

It's tough because the AP (affair partner) was somebody I knew, too. I should have been able to trust both, but they are both broken people.

Keep posting, and know that you'll eventually make it through this.

My advice is to RUN! You dodged a bullet.

I chuckled at this statement. You wont believe this but I did actually RUN on DDay. When I was leaving for my friend's house, my wife became hysterical and tried to stop me from leaving. So, I literally had to run to my car.

My reco is to think in terms of 2 basic questions:

1) What do I want?
2) What will I do?

If you want R, you also have to answer: Is my WS a good bet for R? Will they do the necessary work?

It's very important to remember that you're not in a race. You're dealing with questions that will, I hope, affect decades of your life. You want the best possible solution, even if it takes longer to get to it.

I wanted R from the start. I didn't commit to R until I saw my W working for R consistently for 90 days - and I think it might have been better to watch for longer than that before committing to R. Thirty days of yoga and meditation is a good start, but it's only a start.

My expectation for R was an M in which both of us were happy and satisfied. I think we've made it. I can't say that either of us are happy and satisfied with ourselves, but we're happy and satosfied with each other and our M.

The fact that I no longer trust my W blindly is, IMO, an improvement. The idea that any person can be trusted blindly is an illusion, and the fewer illusions one maintains, the better, IMO.

If your W said she and om are twin flames, R probably won't be easy - but R & D are about the future, not the past. If you both want R and will do the work, R is possible. If one or both of you doesn't want R or to do the work, R is impossible.

Whatever you choose, though, you can heal, survive, and thrive. You can process the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body, and IMO that's where you should channel your energy right now. Let yourself heal; once you start on your healing - and you've started already - you'll find it easier to make decisions, and you'll make better decisions, too.

Just a passerby with an observation.

Your wife did not Burn you with her twinflame.

Cheaters will latch on to anything to justify their behavior, and the whole concept of a "twin flame": is just that--- something they convince themselves is a viable explanation to justify the depth of their betrayal, and to write off their unparalleled selfishness as some cosmic fate that couldn;t be avoided or denied.

it's bullshit.

Do you know how many of us betrayed have heard the same old song and dance of the twin flame lie? It's pretty much a chapter of the cheater's handbook.

My first wife pulled this same garbage on me. She was obsessed with the idea that her AP was her twin flame and that they had a pre-mortal soul contract--- a directive straight from God himself, that they needed to create "Love" and bring forth it's energy into the world through their sexual encounters. It was a divine mandate. She had hours and hours of youtube watch history on the subject.... and some of it was freaking bizarre.

I just want to say--- please don't give any credibility to the idea that AP is a twin flame. Doing so elevates the relationship above the degenerate backstabbing marriage murder that it really is.

Before I could make the call whether my wife is safe for R or not based on her post-dday response and behavior, I need to know whether I am safe/capable for R. I just dont want to turn into something that I dont like while attempting to R. Even if my wife is 100% remorseful and an ideal candidate for R, this will not work if I am not the right candidate for R. So, how do I know if am capable for R? How did you know that you were capable?

I don't really think you can be assured you will be capable of R until you proceed down that road. However, here are a few signposts that might encourage you to try R (these do not include your WW's remorse/actions etc, they are only about you since that is what you asked)

Do you still love her?
Was your marriage pre-affair a really good one? If so, then it might be worth saving, if not, why try?

R is a rollercoaster no matter who you are and no matter if it succeeds or not. You can't escape the ups and downs and the immense effort required to make R work. Some couples get there in a year, some it takes far longer, some never get to true R and stay together anyway (bad choice usually) and some never get to R and end up splitting years later.

It seems like you don't know much about what happened in the A yet because you left immediately, is that true?

If so, you'll want to read up on how to get the information you need from the WW when you return.

You may simply think about this in cost-benefit terms. You’re still young and so is she. You have no children. You both work. You haven’t been with her for decades.

I really don’t want to sound callous, but if you’re struggling with controlling your anger, this isn’t ideal in general. The triggers will really do a number on your emotions. She clearly turned to self-destructive behavior when she was struggling. The work that would go into both of you being safe is considerable. Also, virtually every other woman in the world will not have betrayed you. Is it worth the effort? Only you can know for sure.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 7:16 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

We can't give you the answers you desire yet. No one knows this early in. The best you can do is know whether or not you want to give it a go. If that answer is no, the path is clear and slightly easier. If it's yes, the answer should be really just to not D yet. In that case, give it a day, a week, a month and revisit the question. Sisoon is correct in that it takes both parties being willing and capable of R. You can't make that determination while apart.

I reconciled. He did the work that is talked about here. Was remorseful. All of it. I'm not an idiot. I know what he needed to do. And he did it. He was genuine in his efforts. Guess what? I just had another dday. He's been cheating again. After over a decade of reconciliation.

That's cruel and horrible. I am sorry your R failed. I wish you get out of this mess safely and peacefully.

Your post made me very anxious and uncomfortable. Not because you were wrong or insensitive but because I find it very depressing. It's depressing and frustrating to know that there is no guarantee even if they do the necessary work and are genuinely remorseful. It's so cynical. I feel helpless thinking about it. I feel uncomfortable knowing that I can't do much to prevent the damage to my life yet again if I choose to R. Instinct of self-preservation is making me very anxious and fearful of the unlikely prospects of R. I just hope your case is not the dominant trend. I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for the insight. Very helpful.

There is no guarantee. None. It's a huge gamble

True. Very true. Most gambles fail because they are rigged by nature. R with serial cheater is a rigged gamble. I would want to know if it's rigged if I want R.

There are some amazing former waywards here.

It will be very helpful to know how and why these former waywards were able to succeeded while many failed but I don't think I am ready yet to visit the wayward section.

With no children, divorce can be a much cleaner break.

I got your point but currently the decision of ending this 8 years relation and 6 years marriage seems a very tall order for me. I wasn't prepared for this. It's so sudden and such a drastic change in my life one that I never wished for. Like others have pointed out, I need not rush to make the decision. I need time to get comfortable with either options before I make the decision. I just hope it doesn't take too long. Thanks for your post 😊.

Do you really know anything right now? Serial cheater or not, whether or not she loves this other man, or has other deep
connections?

I read through few text conversations they had and saw her calling him her 'twin flame'. I had no idea what twin flame was until I Googled it and found that its much worse and messed up than 'I love you' and 'soul mates' in the context of affairs. The love connection in the context of twin flame transcends multiple lives of the people involved. It's messing me up. I feel I would have been little fine if she had used the usual "I love you" in her texts. She never called me her twin flame to describe our relation. Although, in past she did express her wish to marry me in all her future lives. I guess she wants me as her husband and him as her AP in all her lives. That's f*d up, right?? Anyway, other than this and few other things I don't know much about her affair.

The advice is usually, don't offer R right away, get an attorney, demand full disclosure and effort, get an std test

I haven't followed through any of these advices yet, except offering her R. I only recently came across this forum and have gone through pinned threads and healing library. They are gold mines. They have been immensely helpful and has made my understanding of my situation more clearer and better. I feel more confident and secure now.

Very sorry to read that your cruel wife has given you STD. That's abboring and shocking! I pray it's nothing serious. 🙏 I pray for your well-being, sir.

It takes years to heal, so give yourself some grace during this time.

Thank you. I have been very mindful of this requirement.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful

Yes, I have gone through those threads. They have life saving insights and informations. I feel much better now.

After reviewing the M, thinking about what I wanted and needed from my M, I had decided that I was going to D.

 
This is what I am planning to do but I am stuck at figuring out what I want.

It's very important to remember that you're not in a race.

Thanks for reminding this. I need to slow down.

My expectation for R was an M in which both of us were happy and satisfied

.
That's pretty much my expectation too.

I can't say that either of us are happy and satisfied with ourselves, but we're happy and satisfied with each other and our M.

Doesn't our self satisfaction affect our marriage and our partner? Isn't that the reason most cheaters cheat? If your wife is not happy with herself and is not self-satisfied, then doesn't she carry the risk of slipping again?? How did you both deal with that possibility?

The fact that I no longer trust my W blindly is, IMO, an improvement.

Ok. This surprised me. I didn't know this is an improvement. Not trusting blindly partner can also be seen as an untrusting and always suspecting behavior. How do you walk this thin line? How can one display reasonable and appropriate behavior when it comes to trusting such a partner without coming off as suspecting and controlling?? I know it's too early to talk about trusting and all in my case, but, your statement caught me off guard.

If your W said she and om are twin flames, R probably won't be easy

Oh God.. I was afraid of this.

You can process the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body, and IMO that's where you should channel your energy
right now. Let yourself heal; once you start on your healing - and you've started already - you'll find it easier to make decisions, and you'll make better decisions, too.

Ok this sounds very useful but I don't know how to do it. How can I heal while going through this mess? I don't think my wife will confess everything on day 1. I fear I will wake up every morning to new discoveries and revelations related to her affair for the next many years. If that's the case, than how can I heal enough in appropriate time to make the better decision?

I am sorry I asked too many questions. It's just I am too anxious and nervous to meet my wife when I get back to my home. I feel like I should know everything and be fully informed before I confront her. I don't know what kind of person and situation I will be dealing with. I know I should slow down a bit.
Thanks for your insightful post. Very helpful.

If I have this right, you don't know if she moved in with the AP, will be waiting with divorce papers and the sheriff, has gotten a restraining order against you, or drained the financial accounts and sold everything.

You don't know if she quit her job, or checked herself into a mental institution, written a complete timeline for you, has sought IC, has reached out to your friends and family, or much else.

Under those conditions, showing up at the door will be a major mistake. While I agree that you should do what you need to avoid trauma, you have also given her a golden opportunity to set you up big time. You have to get some idea where things are before you can even begin to think of R or D. Seems to me that you would be better seperated until you can sort out some basic information.

You can ask the police to do a civil standby while you retrieve what you need from your home. You really need to think your reintroduction through.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 8:05 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

I haven't posted anything in quite some time but for personal reasons, I feel compelled to throw in my two cents today. Briefly, I was betrayed by my ex-wife three years into the marriage. I was subsequently encouraged and guilted into forgiving and staying with her. Three years later we had a son and three years after that I caught her with the husband of a very close couple. Several decades have passed and the echoes of that marriage and betrayals still reverberate in my life. Once you have children, you are likely stuck to some degree with the ex-wife, at some level, for the rest of your lives. Please be cognizant of this eternal connection if you decide to reconcile and have children.

While you are understandably extremely distraught at this moment, there will be a time when you will be able to look rationally at your WW, marriage, and options. Yes, people should always look closely at options before committing to R.

So what are the analytics, stealing from a concept from sports? You are still young. You have no children and your marriage is relatively short. Knowing nothing about your financial situation, I suspect that you won't get hurt very badly in that regard if you pull the plug now. You certainly are young enough to recover. How about twenty years from now if it happens again? Not so good for you at that point in your life. Children further complicate a subsequent split.

If your goal is to still be married to someone and have a family, what do you bring to the table in order to attract a quality mate? Are you a good-looking guy who has game? Will you be an excellent provider? You do have anger management issues. Basically, people many times decide to stay after being betrayed because of fear that they won't meet someone comparable or better. It is a bad reason, but, nevertheless, people do make that calculation. It comes down to confidence and one's dedication to making themselves to be the best they can be. If you are the type of guy who has women dripping all over you, it might be a little easier to pull up anchor. Of course, this is a sliding scale. None of this makes sense right now because of your emotional status. But one day......

Any way you slice it, you have been fucked over big time by the one person in your life who should have your back. That's a lot to swallow. As you can tell, I am not a fan of R. But that is me. I'm jaded. Once the dust clears and sufficient time passes you can make your own choice. Your choice, if you decide to reconcile, should be fluid. If you are unhappy and a sufficient amount of time has passed, don't keep kicking a dead horse like I did. Move on.

Finally, I think for those who still wish to not give up completely but can't reconcile the marriage, a divorce with the possibility of rekindling the relationship after the dust has settled can be the way to go. Given relatively few entanglements between the two of you at this moment, that may be something to look at down the road. I wish you all the best in navigating through this horrible journey that you did not ask for or deserve.