SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok so the plot thickens

My wife was hell bent on getting me to nip up to the shop for something, it was quite late so I suspected something.

Left my phone on audio record and went out for 20 mins.

Came back and came upstairs to listen. My mistrust proved correct again.

Literally 30 seconds after I'm out of the door, on the phone to her new lover.

Talking about money, how they will afford to get a place, love you, hearing your voice makes me feel better.. the full works

Even some spite aimed at me for goodeasure, can't even watch the tv without him pestering me etc.

I listened, took it in, backed up the file and then just told her I want a divorce.....

Ooooohhhhh goooooodddd

She's very cold with me, told me there is no spark, not once has tried to initiate any cuddles or anything even when I was a mess on the bedroom floor the night she told me.

With respect...stop this. Cuddles are the last thing you should want from this woman. She is not an ally in trying to mitigate your suffering. She has caused it and sees it as a tool to get what she wants.

But I'm just too scared to pull the trigger and rip my life apart, even though that is what she has done and is continuing to do.

You are not ripping your life apart. You are in the very early stages of putting it back together. Pull the trigger. He who hesitates is bossed.

The most straightforward advice that has been posted by the other members of this forum with regard to the 180 is exactly what you should be doing. No one could have said it better than they already have:

No more sleeping in the same bed; she can find somewhere else to sleep.

No anniversary dinner; and you tell her and anyone else involved exactly why.

Take good care of your children. They are precious and do not deserve the position their mother has put them in. However, make any consultation with their mother as to their care (and anything else for that matter) as business like as possible.

There are a lot of interpretations about the purpose of the 180. Personally, I have always thought that one of them is to set the betrayed spouse on the road to self-care and self-improvement. Please try to resist the temptation to feel like it is impossible to motivate yourself to start hitting the gym, focusing on work, rekindling past friendships or taking advantage of current ones. You need to try and do these things for yourself. The better you manage your life now, the easier it will be for you when all of this is determined.

You are obviously a gentle and caring guy. I commend you for this...but it's time to get ready to go hard for the sake of your own life!

The best of luck to you!

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're affected by infidelity. It's the worst pain. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you might find helpful. The Healing Library is a great reference and includes the list of acronyms we use, as well as info on the 180.

Please focus on you and your children. The 180 is that you basically treat your WW (wayward wife) like a really bad roommate. Discussion should be about your children and ending the M. The M is already dead because she blew it to smithereens. You didn't fail your family - she did by cheating.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs because infidelity can be the gift that keeps on giving. If you need depression meds or something to help you sleep at night, please talk to your doctor. Sometimes the trauma can get your brain chemistry out of whack and the meds can help get the brain's wiring back on track.

Your depression wasn't the reason she cheated. She did it because she wanted to cheat, then along came opportunity.

By not giving her consequences you are letting the affair thrive . She’s well taken care of, she has the energy and time to live in the fantasy. Show her what life without you looks like.

Stop blaming yourself and your mental health for causing this affair. She could have talked to you and worked things out. This is not good for your mental health at all. If you don’t take care of yourself you will not be able to ensure the well being of your kids. Have you sought the help of therapist, confided in friends and family ?

I'm so glad you're taking decisive action. IF she ever gets her head out of where she's got it situated, you can always revisit the marriage. Even if a divorce does happen, that doesn't mean you can't get back together if you both decide you want to.

Here in the US, a marriage is considered "short term" if it's less than ten years (generally) It's at the ten year mark that judges start to consider alimony. (generally) I'm not sure what it's like there but don't let her stall it. You will want to get on with your life and away from the one she blew up.

What was her reaction when you told her you want a divorce?

Brother, this just sucks. The last month must have been torture. She sounds like a monster. This is clearly an exit affair and you must treat it as such. You're getting great advice here. Triage what is most important. Your kids, your physical health, your mental health, then proceeding on with the divorce. Let her move on.
As hard as that will be, you need to think of your kids. If you're already struggling with mental health, this is certainly going to be painful, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and get your family out of infidelity.
Don't let her bully you. Be matter-of-fact in your communication. "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I don't see things that way" should be your go-to phrases if she tries to engage you about this.
Don't speak with her unless it's about the kids. Any further communication about the divorce should come only after consulting an attorney. Find one that will protect you and your children. If she has somewhere else to go, encourage her to go there until the divorce is complete. Not sure what the laws are in the UK, but it seems to be pretty universal that if you leave to "give her space," then that looks unfavorably on you later during proceedings.
Last, no cuddles, no anniversary, no expressions of love or affection. Be as blank and stainless steel as possible around her. If she wants this momma's boy loser, he can have her. You still have your integrity and pride and the enduring respect of your children. Protect that.
Stay strong.

Well you see now why so much of the advise here is harsh.

Cheaters behave in very predictable patterns that play out very similarly again and again.

It was obvious her love transferred from you to him.

Very likely she thought she could just have a side affair when it started but she fell in love.

Don’t blame yourself. Was she always super awesome and perfect?

I bet not.

But you still loved her. You had real mature love.

She has child fueled lust amplified by the evil nature of cheating. The anxiety fuels that relationship.

She will regret her decision but you can’t wait around for that. It could take years.

Also there is no guarantee she will come back to you. Lots of people don’t have the strength to deal with consequences and would rather try to find someone new.

Now that you told her you want a divorce you have to file.

You are not trying to play games or manipulate her. You are moving on.

The 180 will not work on her if you try to use it as a manipulation tactic. You are authentically moving on.

I still would not reveal your sources. You may need more info in the future.

Did you talk to your lawyer about taking action against him or the builder company you used?

Once again you need to get out of that house as soon as you can. It is forever tainted.

I’m so sorry. I know it easy to spit out advise and much harder to actually be in the middle of the shit storm.

But you really have no choice.

She is not your wife or your friend. Make compromises for your kids but none for her.

Look out for your self. Get everything you can.

You cannot be concerned for her any more. She fired you from that job.

If she face plants that’s tough but that just means you will keep the kids more.

Remember actions and bad behaviors need consequences.

Once again I’m so sorry.

It would be interesting to know how much of your depression could be attributed to your WW.

Before affairs actually begin, the WS checks out of the relationship, to some degree, mentally. It’s very subtle at first, but progresses insidiously becoming perceptible, first, on a gut level. This can have an eroding effect on your mental health. Subconsciously you’re detecting trouble, progressing detachment and you begin to feel unease, anxiety, depression.

When you’re with someone for a significant length of time, you’re mentally wired together to some degree.

I wouldn’t be surprised if some, much-if not all, of your depression was a symptom of the affair, starting with the prelude to the affair.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:15 AM, Friday, December 15th]

Take care of the kids first, yourself second, let the rest wait, you don't have to make. any decisions that you don't want to make.

Don't leave the home, if she wants to leave, let her, but the kids should stay with you at the home.

You basically need to detach, follow sound legal advice. Go at your own speed. Once the secrecy is over, most affairs burn out when reality intrudes.

I’m so sorry that you’re here, but you’re now taking decisive action to protect yourself and your children. Good job!

You’re getting great advice, so I’ll just add one thing (in addition to saying that you should keep following the advice you’re getting): lock down your finances as much as you can. She’s talking to him about how THEY can afford to get a place. You should hear exactly what that means which is that they will try to use the finances meant to support you and your kids to support their affair.

Cancel joint credit cards. Put additional security measures on your joint accounts (like an extra step to withdraw more than a certain amount or a limit on withdrawals without joint approval or at least a notification to you if an attempt is made to withdraw more than a set amount). Shut down your credit from any new applications. Keep an eagle eye on your accounts. You wouldn’t be the first person on here to discover that a large amount of money is suddenly missing or a large charge has been made to a credit account that you will ultimately be at least 50 percent responsible for.

And I’ll second filing a complaint against the construction company and maybe letting his parents know what he’s up to (although I had to chuckle writing that because, really? She’s trying to figure out how she can help him move out of his parents house when she has two children to take care of?) She is truly a peach. And he is just an opportunist.

Filing for divorce should help with freezing her ability to make large withdrawals, but don’t wait.

You’re doing great. I know this feels like the whole world has caved in on top of you, but you’re acting to move forward. Take care of you and your kids. Their mom sure isn’t. And make sure she can’t take them anywhere near this middle-aged, childless, still lives with his parents bachelor. That is not a suitable contact for your kids. She knows NOTHING about his history or who he is.

Welcome fellow UK based friend. So sorry you are here. Well done on getting your ducks in a row.

On the anniversary thing, for our anniversary this year we decided to still spend the day together even though we were splitting. The key differences in our situations were:

- My wife had gone NC (though clearly was hoping that contact would recommence soon once we had split)
- We had agreed to split up, and had paid the deposit on another place
- We agreed to just enjoy each others company, kind of a "farewell". No talk about what had happened or what was about to happen.

I know you are not nearly in that place right now, but I just wanted to give a little hope. In that situation we went for a walk, lunch and a few drinks and had the nicest day together reflecting on our 15 years of marriage. It then in turn became something of a turning point, as I think it woke her up to the fact that I was going to be OK without her, and that I was worth her fighting for. We are now 5 months on from that point and things continue to improve.

There are a number of steps which others have given great advice on before you could even remotely be at this point, but I just wanted you to know that it isn't necessarily all over. Your W needs to figure things out for herself though, and the cliche that I read many times of "You need to be willing to lose the marriage to save it" is so true.

None of this is your fault.

Good luck.

Someone mentioned the Bigger Speech…

Friend – there are some life-rules that generally tend to be 100% reliable. One of them being that you can’t deal with what you don’t acknowledge. In your case then not confronting is not acknowledging…

But then – by your own admission you gave her an ultimatum. You don’t state what that ultimatum was, but I doubt it included allowing her to communicate with OM. Had you posted earlier I would have warned against using an ultimatum unless you were 100% willing to see it through. There are few things as weakening as telling someone "If you communicate with OM again I will leave – and THIS time I mean it".

OK… The Bigger Speech…
Basically it’s an acknowledgement of reality. It is letting her (and later, all stakeholders) know that you are aware of the affair and are refusing to take part in it. It’s a lot like if you come home to your house on fire and instead of wondering if the added warmth might be a bonus or wailing about how your favorite couch is ruined you simply acknowledge that a burning house is an uninhabitable house and call the Fire Brigade and then work on limiting your damage.
It goes something like:

"Wife. I love you and would be willing to do a lot to save our marriage. However I have come to the realization that losing you is NOT the worst outcome. What is immensely worse is SHARING you with another man. The minute you decided to have an affair with another man is the minute where I – at best – was sharing you. I do NOT share my wife.
Therefore, I am absolving you of all expectations I might have to you as my wife.
I know you are still in communications with OM. You are totally free to do so. You can be with him, date him, move in with him, go to the pub with him… Whatever you want. Only NOT AS MY WIFE.

Terminating or relationship and marriage is complex but basically falls into two processes. There is the emotional and the legal. On the legal aspect there are known procedures in place that ensure we are both treated fairly. We need to initiate that process soon to ensure you have the freedom you need to carry on with OM, and to limit our legal commitments to each other since the marriage is ending. I will have a professional handle this from my end, and do not want to discuss it in detail with you.
On the emotional side I need to accept the reality of you having consciously decided to commit to infidelity and knowingly wreck our marriage and family. Our future relationship needs to be as good coparents, but I am starting the process of emotionally detaching from you as much as I can. I have no interest in being friends or in sharing any of your "joy" as you work on your relationship with OM.
For the next days or weeks, we will need to cohabit. I ask – as a favor – that you do NOT have OM in this house and that you be discreet when talking to him or going to him in my presence. But it’s your call – you can be as considerate or as tactless as you decide. But the reality is that people that end marriages also stop living in the same place, so we need to face the future on a basis of reality.

As I said in the beginning: I love you and would be willing to do a lot to save our marriage, but I won’t share you. I am getting out of infidelity. For a very limited time you can let me know you want this marriage but realize that I have been thinking about what’s going on and with every hour and every day I am more content with my decision to get out of infidelity. You would need to let me know in a very clear and unequivocal way and be willing to be totally accountable for me to stop my process of ending our marriage."

And then you go make a sandwich or watch a game or whatever. There really isn’t any need to say anymore.
I’m putting something like 9/10 odds that she will come within 10 minutes and say something like:
"You didn’t pay me any attention and therefore I had to seek solace in the arms of Bob the Builder."
Your response: "I’m sorry you feel that way. IF we were working on the marriage then this is something we could address in MC, but since we are divorcing there really isn’t any need to go there."
THAT is your standard response to ANY issue she raises. It’s not relevant unless she commits to the marriage.

There are some further steps I strongly recommend:
Follow up on your statement. Look up divorce in your area. What will it look like. What’s the process. Start gathering financial info. Stop all joint commitments. Stop talking about the planned break to Spain. Talk to an attorney. Be sensible – its not like you will get everything and she nothing. Be reasonable and realistic.
Don’t hide the affair. Tell stakeholders that you two are separating because she has decided to be with Bob TB. Talk openly about it with no shame. Some say that being so frank will only push them together… Well… IF BTB is Prince Charming and her future soulmate then it’s inevitable they be together. However,… I think that experience strongly supports that BTB is only saying what your wife wants to hear to get her to bed. Chances are that when nothing is stopping your wife from moving in, and then becoming the weekend dad for the two kids… all of a sudden, his enthusiasm for your wife disappears.
One thing to do for certain: STOP all work on the house. Whatever BTB is doing – he is fired. If he’s a contractor working for a contractor… you let his boss know why he’s not welcome.

Be realistic: If this ends in D will you keep the house? Can your wife afford it? If the answer is no, then selling it as-is will probably come out comparably as finishing any renovations. It’s a simple math-problem:
Value of house fully fixed up = 100. Value of what has yet to be finished = 20. Therefore, value of house in present condition = 80ish…

Stop all conversations about the future. Your wife asks you a couple of days after the Bigger Speech about new drapes:
"We don’t need to discuss that since we don’t have a joint future."
On anything that inevitably needs to be finished: "What’s the cheapest option? Formica tabletops? Then Formica it is because we don’t need to do this in any way that we would want. Only need to sell".

Look – the aim of the above speech and consequent actions is NOT to save the marriage. What you are doing is making the affair and its consequences reality.

Experience tells me that it can lead to saving the marriage, but that’s a byproduct rather than the goal. The goal is to end the infidelity. That can really only happen in one of two ways. It ends when you are no longer married and therefore her actions no longer relevant to you. You detach and move on. Or it ends when she commits to ending the affair and working on the marriage. Only then it’s totally based on her free will to end the affair. You have given her freedom, and it’s her decision to remain.

She is deep in a dopamine induced fog. Going toward D may snap her out of it but even if it doesn't, it will get you out of infidelity.

Expose the A to her family asap. And to her friends. This may help snap her out of it too. Why not put some heat on posom and expose the A to the posom's employer and probably to his parents too.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy. I would speak to the builders and get this guy sacked. It is clearly a sackable offence.

If they have any sense they will, if not, tell them you will leave reviews on any form of review site possible about thier employee sleeping with your wife on the job. Tell them you will contact their trade associations and let them know. If they don't sack him do it.

Then her fantasy of a new life with her now out of work lover won't look so rosy.

Tell her parents immediately, pack her bags and ask her to leave. Drop them off at lover boys parents and drag them into it. Get an estate agent round and put the house up for sale as it is.

The shit needs to hit the fan and there has to be consequences. You need to be the one in control now.

Ok so my wife actually told her Mum. No idea why or what she was expecting, maybe approval from her that her actions were ok?

Her Mum is absolutely devastated and because she knows I have been able to confide in her as well as we have always had a great relationship.

There is also a issue with kicking her out to her parents house... Her sister is already there with her two kids due to going through a divorce right now!!!! You couldn't write it could you.

This guy already no longer works for the builder and all of the work is now finished, they have no need to return.

Go to my post and seriously consider what I suggest. It’s making the affair reality.
It’s only by dealing with this through the lens of reality that you will get resolution.

Comments and suggestions like "kick her out" or "make her move out" or whatever are pure fantasy and can easily backfire. In nearly all cases if you "kicked her out" there is a very strong likelihood that the next person knocking on the door is a police-officer ensuring she is safe from domestic abuse while in HER LEGAL residence.

The reality is that a marriage can’t survive with extra, unwanted lovers.
The reality is that she’s fantasizing about him.
The reality is that she is talking to him about "what if" and "how" and "when".
The reality is that once she is FREE to fantasize about him, that the what if is just if, the how is clear and the when is now… The fantasy becomes reality and is no longer exciting.

Irrespective of if the job is finished or not – contact his boss and let him know. Tell him that you are unhappy with knowing you were paying his employee by the hour while he was probably hitting on your wife and having his way, and that you will not recommend his firm for any future work.

I would still have a word with the builders. One of their employees slept with your wife on the job at your house. He was getting paid by you to do this. Get some money back. Go see a solicitor for advice.

I would find out who he his working for now, and speak to them too. Anyone with any sense would not want someone like this working for them.

Whose name is on the house, mortgage, who paid for the work etc?

I think it would be great sending her to her already overcrowded mother's house.
Also, her mother will always look out for her daughters interests first, so be careful.

I want to second Chevette's comment.

In general, not always, (but most often), the parents and siblings of a cheating spouse are at best unreliable support for the betrayed, and more commonly-- firmly entrenched to the cheater.
Although they may be sympathetic to what you're going through, and no matter how strong your relationship is-- their primary loyalty will nearly always be with their biological family first.

Remember, your wife has a narrative she tells everyone to displace responsibility for what she's done. It's straight from the cheaters handbook. Your MIL has already been told how awful you are, how abusive you are and that you're addicted to porn and calling escorts and cheated first, and you're a bad dad with a suspected substance abuse problem, and that one time in third grade, you peed with the toilet seat down.... and all this justifies her affair.

They will offer great advice to you though about how you need to be a better husband and father and should accept responsibility for their daughters choices, and how grand gestures of jewelery and expensive trips will win her back, and how you have obligations to financially support her even if she is having an affair and not to act rashly or quickly, you should just wait it out even if it takes years, just don't do anything to hurt their daughter because this is your fault, ultimately.

I don;t reccomend confiding in her family members at all.
I would go so far as to say your wife already knows every single thing you told your MIL in detail.

You might have great relationships with them, but they will never side against their daughter--- they may pretend to support both sides, but in most cases, it's to manipulatye the betrayed and buy time.

Do not trust the in-laws. they are not on your side.