SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It sucks being back here. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel. I’m so tired. I’m tired of wondering if it will be like last time…. Where I think I know everything about the affair(s) and then something else is exposed. Is it really just an emotional affair? Is it really over? They are coworkers so how do I stop worrying about them working together? Then there’s the work I’m supposed to do. Going back and reading all the topics in the healing library is throwing me back to the first time I came here. I know there’s differences between then and now, but it’s like ripping off a bandage that the wound has already grown over. Then there’s the fact that we really don’t get along right now. He says I don’t communicate, but whenever I try to communicate with him he gets mad. For example we had a total loss of property. The insurance adjuster came and gave me a quote. I tell him about the quote and ask him which direction he wants to go. He wavers and doesn’t make up his mind. Next day I bring it up again, he still doesn’t know. Next day I say ok would you like option A or B and he snaps at me that I’m pressuring him! Well duh. I have to get contractors lined up to submit bids. They can’t submit bids if they don’t know what jobs need to be done, but if I make the decisions he’ll throw it back in my face that I don’t communicate with him. Sooo over this right now. I wish I could just go sit on a beach with my toes in the sand and a drink in my hand.

The cheaters still work together? That’s always a bad idea b/c it allows the cheaters to continue the affair.

Too many Ddays to count? You are stuck in a pattern of infidelity.

Have you had professional counseling for yourself? I suggest it.

I can relate on many levels. My WH still works with the OW as well, but says he is looking for a new job. (It’s been 2 months). I have in my mind given him a 6 month window that I haven't told him about. If he’s still there in 6 months I will start divorce proceedings.

We have agreed to work it out and I’m trying but I have a lot of days that I’m truly just unsure. Unsure if it’s really over like he swears it is. Unsure if I deserve to have to rebuild trust that shouldn’t have been broken in the first place. But I love him so much, I’ve never pictured life with anyone else. It makes me feel weak to stay, like I’m pathetic, but I desperately want us to work out most days. I have no idea which direction we’ll end up at this point.

I’m no professional but the "too many to count" caught my eye.

I definitely recommend IC. I guess everyone e has a decision to make. If ok with a WS then that’s the decision you make but it sounds like you aren’t and also he’s not treating you very kindly. What are you willing to tolerate

Sit on a beach with WiFi and have teletherapy with your IC. Skip the drink.

Honestly, that's what I'd recommend.

I did something I dare say few will manage to do:
I read your profile…
Possibly the longest single paragraph I have ever read, and it’s extremely hard to keep up with all the threads and parts in your story. What is however a big running thread through it all is that your relationship started in semi-infidelity (albeit you had a boyfriend he took you from) and he has a history of coming and going into a relationship with you. Maybe the last years while still being your husband.

Now… I don’t see ANYTHING in his actions that indicate he feels a need to change that.
From the beginning he has been able to keep his relationship with OW, and he won’t change that while he still thinks he can get away with it.

I don’t know the nature of your total loss of property. But… MAYBE this is exactly the opportunity you have to grasp:
Would it be possible to accept the insurance payment and simply use that as collateral in a divorce agreement? Maybe giving him options A and B isn’t the correct path. Maybe telling him that NOW is the golden opportunity for you both to go after what you want – separately.
He can take his half of the marital assets (minus debts etc) and carve out his life with the OW.
You can take your half and create a relationship – at first with yourself and maybe later with someone else – where YOU are the focus and not the third wheel in a marriage.

What is the difference between then and now? It seems to me from stuff you've written that nothing has ever changed. You just keep waiting for him to change.

There is no amount of patience, reading, podcast listening, or anything else you can do that will change him. The only person any of us can ever change is ourselves. I don't believe you when you say you don't know what you want. I think you know exactly. You just don't want to believe that he is someone who cannot give it to you.

Having read your profile, it seems you have the vision of your Knight stuck in your head. Work on ridding yourself of that image. He was never your Knight. He's proven that to you over and over and over. You won't find a real one until you rid yourself of the imposter. It's going to be hard to do that on your own, so reach out for some good counseling to help you get out of this cycle.

We live in a very small town. He had an accident, not 100% convinced it wasn’t a suicide attempt because it was the day after I mentioned divorce. Normally he’s on the road and she’s in the office, but now he’s on light duty and she is training him. He is the only source of income at the moment, as I am in school. So quitting/ changing jobs is not an option for him at the moment.

From 2012-2022 we were really good. Yeah we would have our random disagreements, but we used the tools from MC to get through.
After my youngest was born we never reconnected. My dad passed away when she was 5 months old. I was on Zoloft and my sex drive went to 0. I’ve switched to Cymbalta but with everything going on now it’s a 0 still. I want to go back to IC but I can’t get into anyone until after the new year.

Our barn burned. Kids want a barn to get animals again. He wants a shop (he’s a certified mechanic but hasn’t used that certification for years). If we do a shop, he could quit his job and go NC with OW.

He’s now saying all the right things… that he’s here for me. Whatever I need we can do. That he’s NC except for work with OW… He says he wants to go back to MC, I told him great find one. I have yet to hear anything more about MC.

I’m just so burnt out and pissed to be back here. I keep thinking D, but it’s sooo overwhelming. We have 5 kids and I want to cause the least amount of damage to them. I just don’t know what that looks like yet.

I read your last post. Boy could I really write a book. A novel. A soap opera.

I do not see anywhere in your posts where you have put yourself first. Seriously you focus on the kids and the lying cheating spouse etc etc. w/ too many ddays.

I would be damned if I were you and I would help my H start a business. Let him take out a loan or find the $. Without your help. Without you co-signing anything. On. His. Own.

Your kids have to learn the word "No!" I live in a wealthy area of the US. Big money here. My one kid was annoyed he had to pay his cell phone bill. He was working full time.

I just said "oh well we are not like other families and you need to pay your expenses".

Your kids just have to accept now is not the right time for a new barn. No one wants to be the bad guy but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

Honestly right now you need a support system around you. You have so much on your plate. But yet you don’t seem to be making plans for YOUR future.

I would demand a post nup if I were you. I have one. It’s legal. And it’s useful if I D him for any reason. I’m well protected. Because I learned the hard way.

It’s time to step up to the plate and put yourself first. Divorce doesn’t have to ruin your kids. They will survive it. But an unhappy mom in a lackluster marriage can certainly do more harm than a D.

And if I were you, I’d stop listening to the cheater’s words and focus solely on his actions. Or lack of action lol. It will tell you everything.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:13 PM, Friday, December 29th]

I do have a problem putting myself first. Working on that. I am going to school for me and having someone else watch my baby is HUGE for me. The kids are not being demanding on the barn. We are a family and I was getting everyone’s opinions to take into consideration. I would like a barn too. I was heartbroken when I had to rehome our animals. I know it might seem crazy, but it was therapeutic to go out and milk goats.
I’m just trying to make it day by day. Struggling with that I told myself I would not go through this again, yet here I am. Struggling that as a Christian I am supposed to forgive, but trying to navigate that in the wake of all the hurt.

I know how hard it is to make choices regarding your own future. I was in your shoes.

But at dday2 of affair 2 I made the tough choice that I had no other choice but to D.

I would do my best to make the process as painless and simple as possible. I would allow him free access on visitation. In my heart I was going to be a good person.

I am a Christian too, but I was not going to remain on a marriage with a cheater. I just couldn’t do it.

I am not Saying you need to D him. But you do need to protect yourself emotionally and financially from him. Ensure you can complete your education. Ensure you are not blindsided and devastated by another affair or Dday.

Put yourself first. Your future should look promising and happy. And if he does not bring joy to your life, then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship w/ him.

You don’t want to look back 20 years from now and wished you would have made that hard decision or have a life of regrets when it comes to your H and your marriage.

PS I had trouble putting myself first too. But once I did, i saw changes in myself for the better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:52 PM, Saturday, December 30th]

I totally get it MSS. I'm sending virtual hugs your way. When I went through this, we lived in a small town. We ran a business I had dreamed of having half my life, in an absolutely beautiful community. Divorce meant losing all that and taking it away from my child. But I had little choice. He wasn't going to give up the OW. So I sold the business and moved back to the urban area I hated to keep a roof over my child's head.

Giving up what you know and love right now does not mean it will be gone forever. Try to look at obtaining what you love about your life without the burden of infidelity. You are already to be applauded for going to school. It will give you the tools you need to reshape your dream. One day at a time, as you said, is how you get there. Just keep an open mind.

Five years after my marriage ended and I had to leave that beautiful town, I had the opportunity to come back. I accepted a job with that city, and I retired a year ago after 25 years as the city's finance director. I live a half a block from the historic bed and breakfast I used to own. I have all the best of that old life without the fear, uncertainty, sadness and broken heart that comes with infidelity.

When we say you need to consider yourself first, that doesn't mean you should ignore what is important to your kids. You simply have to operate in a way that isn't reliant on him. If you and your kids want a barn because you want animals, then make a way to do that for the right reasons. But don't do it as a means of making a way to keep WH from the OW. Because if you build a barn and he still doesn't end it, you are going to feel totally swindled. If you build that barn you'd be wiser to build it in a way that earns you money. That way no matter what happens you won't be dependent on someone unreliable.