SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short: he had an affair in 2020, we've stayed in contact the whole time (please don't yell or lecture me; I know); he told me it was his biggest regret, he loves me, he wants to be with me, etc. I knew it wasn't completely true or he would have made actual moves to be with me but I wasn't ready to let go (still not ready).

The affair relationship didn't last long and we've had nice times since then. But then in September I found out he was spending a lot of time at a place that wasn't his. When confronted, he said it was a friend - it was totally platonic, etc. I wasn't born yesterday and didn't believe that and he swore I'd meet her - but then I found out who it actually was and he admitted they were casually dating.

Then he changed the story to the romantic part of it was over and it was just a friendship again. Only for me to find out on NYE that, no, it's a real relationship (I mean, I knew that but now I had proof) and that she actually was with him and his family for Christmas.

This doesn't feel like the affair did - this feels like a real relationship and he spends tons of time with her and obviously loves her. I just feel deep certainty in my gut that, not only will they last, she'll get everything I wanted - a good marriage, kids, loyalty.

I know people don't tend to change unless they work on themselves but I really think he's going to be true to her. I know he hasn't really been so far - as of Friday he said he wanted to be with me and he's been telling me he loves me their whole relationship - but now that I know, he's gone totally cold on me and distant. I know part of it is shame - but I think that shame is why he'll be a good partner for her. He's not going to cause someone else this pain.

My therapist is a good therapist and won't back up my hopes that he will lie to her, too. And part of me is glad to finally have this closure - but I'm so upset that he can drop me like this and go be happy with someone new when I'm alone. I was the faithful one! Well past when I should have been loyal, I was. I love him - I shouldn't, but I do, and I thought he had some feelings for me that would have meant he couldn't do this again.

Why does he get a happy ending? Introducing her to his family is major. That's why I'm so sure it's going to work out for them. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. And I am certain there's no one else out there for me. It's not fair. I want to know they'll fail but I also feel badly for hoping that - she's done nothing wrong and seems like a fine person from the very limited info I have.

I just feel so unlovable - and I keep blaming myself for all the times I was insecure or even unkind in our relationship - I didn't deserve to be cheated on but I'm sure she's wonderful and doesn't have my issues so he just will never feel the need to betray her. But if he never cheats again, I was the problem. How does anyone cope with that? I can't cope with that. This man told me I was everything to him and he threw me away, twice. How can anyone recover from that? I can't.

Please don't tell me to block him, divorce him, etc. I know all that and my situation is tricky with a divorce. I just need to know I'm not alone. I feel very, very alone.

I’m so sorry you’re here and in this cycle of pain. Firstly, no one knows what the future holds. If he is faithful to his new partner (and he totally could be) so what? That’s a good thing but he still won’t be a good person because of the way he treated you and continues to treat you.

Gently, let him go. He clearly doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. I’m sorry but that is how it is. You have to focus on you and cut contact with him so you can heal and move on and eventually find someone way better for you who appreciates how loyal and amazing you are.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 12:27 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

How is he describing the relationship between the two of you to the new shiny? You know he's lying to her. And he's enjoying the cake eating, and having two women on the hook. She may be nice, but why is she in a relationship with a married man?

You didn't do anything to deserve this. The cheating is 100% his decision.

Chances are he will do the same thing to her.

Chances are he will do the same thing to her.

Only... then it will probably be you that's the other woman...

Friend - I know you asked us not to say this - but you need to take action. THis isn't sustainable.

He already has cheated on her, if he still says he lives you.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 1:52 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

[This message edited by Disappointment at 4:08 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

No one knows if he will be better for her. Based on my own experience probably not. But it really doesn't matter, although I know it matters very much to you at the moment. The one certain thing is that he is going to do what he wants to do, right or wrong, and there is nothing any other human being can do to change that. Your therapist sounds like a good one. Pondering what he might or might not do is futile. Right now, spend your mental energy on taking care of yourself, even if you are so hurt. It will benefit you in the long run.

Hey Sassy. He’s been stringing you along while he found his next GF. He sounds like one of those people who can’t be alone— has to have one waiting in the wings for him. He monkey-branches from one to the next. I’m so sorry.

You are his plan B. You deserve better. Who knows if he will change- but since he obviously hasn’t done any work on himself in the last three years, I’d say the odds of him truly changing for the better are low. He is cake eating— you are pining for him while he gets the shiny new toy. CLOSE THE BAKERY.

And please know that this is NOT about anything you did or didn’t do. He has any empty void in him that he is trying to fill. And it isn’t about you. You ARE LOVABLE. It is him with the issues.

I know how hard it is to walk away. But as Mary Oliver so beautifully asked:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?[/quote]

Please stop wasting time on him and spend your energy creating a new beautiful life for yourself.

-BB

I know you're in pain and you don't believe this right now, but you need to convince yourself of this: his choices reflect his deficiencies of character; his choices do not result from or determine your value as a human being.

People don't get reincarnated just because they enter a new relationship. Who your husband is now is who he will be, even if he ends up with this woman. I'm sure he was an absolute prince at the start of the relationship; otherwise, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him or still be pining after him now. The shine will wear off this new woman eventually, too... whether or not their relationship lasts.

Now for the past you don't want to hear... but it's extremely important that you do.

You are only married on paper. Your husband lives separately from you and is openly in a relationship with another woman, who he integrating into his life by spending holidays with her and introducing her to his family. The fact that he hasn't officially pulled the plug on your marriage (yet!) doesn't mean that he still loves you or that there's hope for reconciliation... all it means is that he was keeping you on the back burner and biding his time until a time that is most convenient and optimal for him.

If you're still relying on him financially, don't wait for him to pull out the rug from underneath by suddenly withdrawing his support or filing for divorce at a time that is most convenient and advantageous for him. Take advantage of the fact that he is distracted by his new relationship and try to get yourself the most favorable settlement possible. If he's in the honeymoon phase of his relationship, he may be more willing to give you what you in order to extricate himself quickly and make himself seem magnanimous.

Once you end the relationship legally, you will have a much easier time detaching from him emotionally. I know this from experience.

I believe that there if he can lie both to you, and to her, the chances of this being a "happy ending" where he becomes a good partner to her are slim to none.

It appears that from what you’re describing, he is showing some serious character flaws that no new relationship will fix without very, very deep inner work( likely this will not happen). Wherever he goes from here, whether with this woman , or the next, he takes himself and all of his deep-seated issues.

I know this doesn’t take the pain away, but I hope in time you will realize this.

Please focus on your own healing and do your best to let him go. I’m not sure if your particular circumstances, as it sounds as if financially you may need to stay in contact with him, but whatever it is, focus only on that business aspect and offer him nothing else. Do not get sucked into his games and do not allow him access to your personal life going forward.

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. Infidelity and betrayal is the most painful kind of heartache.

You are the prize ❤️

This is my feeling about people like your husband. They are not meant to be in long-term relationships. The reason is because their basic personality is not designed for it. This is the saying I use every time…they take themselves wherever they go. It means that his cheating behavior is going to go right along with him. This is what he is, this is who he is, this is what he does.

Please understand that whoever winds up with him will get the same treatment. Good, kind people do not dangle promises over a bs. They do one of three things…they do not cheat, or they stop cheating, apologize and do the work, or they break up with their partner. They do not continue to make their bs miserable.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:15 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

I dont think you are really looking for advice, since you probably know exactly what you should do. You just can't bring yourself to do it. Sometimes we stay in a place of pain because, although uncomfortable, it is familiar and the ebbs and flows are predictable. It is our normal.

There's an old joke where a guy lifts his arm and says, Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Doc says, then don't do that..

Because of my foo issues, I have a tendency to people please snd fix things. As well, I have struggled with feelings of rejection and being unwanted. My childhood could be a psych thesis or case study. It has taken me much work to get to a better place, but I will always struggle with these issues. But now that I know I have them and can recognize patterns of behaviour, I can hit the pause button and step off the roller coaster.

I no longer accept poor treatment from others and am content to be along. The irony is that those characteristics have made me a better partner and thus more desirable. I am a much better version of me.

I hope you can find your way in this, as where you are at is soul crushing.

He has been breadcrumbing you......

(("Breadcrumbing is when you give an individual just enough morsels of attention to keep them interested or hooked into the relationship (or situationship), without any intention of really committing,"))

..... until either, to him, a better option came along or no option came along (after actively searching) so he can return to you, AKA making you Plan B. Problem with being Plan B, other than the total devaluation of you and the relationship, is it’s an unsecured relationship because the option of Plan A is always out there for these kind of cheaters.

Will he be better? Who cares, you’re not in a relationship anymore and sadly we cannot control what others do, we can only control ourselves. He could be the best him with this new woman or he could relapse. Whatever happens is out of your control and you need to get to a place where, if he is the very best with her, it just doesn’t matter to you. This has been an unhealthy situation for you for too long. He shouldn’t even be able to access you. Go no contact and in therapy let them guide you through this separation properly for your wellbeing. Instead of infidelity help, seek advice on how to walk away from a toxic relationship for good and heal. He has shown you that with you he hasn’t changed.

Should you warn her? In this case since you’re not together I wouldn’t unless the texts take on a sexual nature, but I’m hoping you’ll block him on everything and stop checking up on him ASAP. As it stands he would likely spin it that you’re the insane ex, all he is doing is texting he misses you (could be in a friendship way). This woman met an unattached man and made her choice to date him, let sleeping dogs lay.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 8:23 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

You are so very not alone. These negative feelings come hand in hand with the trauma of being betrayed like this. With or without out him you have a long road of healing. Right now everything is so fresh and the pain unbearable at times, so give yourself a little time before you srart the process of moving your life forward. You will have good days and bad days but you aren't alone in this, there are so many of us feeling this way at different stages in our healing. We are so much stronger than we think we are when we're freshly in this pain, I promise you.