SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you guys do It? My husband says I am not affectionate. Personally, I have a lot of triggers. He hid a lot of things from me and over the years the feeling of sadness and being alone even though in a relationship intensified. I felt like in the beginning I was very affectionate but after all the hurt and lies I have become very guarded. As much as I want this to work I do not know how to bring my guard down. Last night he said the devils working on me because I have signs of depression... which I have been working on. I have 2 little girls and I work from home. Sometimes I feel like the world is just on my shoulders. How do you start showing your affection? I am cooking, cleaning, working and taking care of kids. Mentally I am just tired. My heart hurts from years of lies.. I am trying to save my family. I still have triggers. My husband is emotional unavailable due to his life prior to being with me... He is a great father. Last night he told me he feels like he is just here to provide. But I provide too. I work and make decent money.

What has your WH done to be a safe partner?

He now answers his phone and is always around more. His work requires him to travel, but he has been taking local gigs now. I am not sure what would make me feel safe again... Last night he said all I want to talk about is bills and responsibilities. I just need to live life and leave my problems to god. He said he does not want to talk about those things... I told him that bills and responsibilities have to be discussed in this life and if he doesn't discuss them with me then it all falls on me. which I do not think is fair. one of the biggest issues is that he did time. unfortunately its a long story, but I did not really know how much time until about 2 years ago. Mind you we have been together for 14 years. So everyone was in on the hiding of this previous life. He is emotionally unavailable; at first I thought he was the sweetest guy...about 5 years ago I was destroyed by all the secrets and lies... the truth slowly came out each year, with something new. I do love him and I am trying to rebuild our life. DD was 2 years ago this coming 2/13. Prior to that DD was 8/2018. First DD I was 8 months pregnant, second DD my little one was 3 months old. I know I have experienced a lot of trauma and may have PTSD from his cheating. I just do not know how to fully reconnect. The fighting has subsided.

So, he maybe gave you the truth and he has started to do a minimimum amount of boudry keeping that always should have existed for a married man?

Nothing. He has done nothing to make you feel safe in the relationship. That's why you can't be intimate. He's a stranger and an untrustworthy one.

Your husband needs to stop using Jesus to gaslight you and man up and love you like the Lord loved the church.

2 Pet 3:7
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Your WH should focus on his on issues and his own christian walk. The devil is the father of lies, has your husband dealt with all of his falswhoods yet?

So, he maybe gave you the truth and he has started to do a minimum amount of boundry keeping that always should have existed for a married man?

Nothing. He has done nothing to make you feel safe in the relationship. That's why you can't be intimate. He's a stranger and an untrustworthy one.

Your husband needs to stop using Jesus to gaslight you and man up and love you like the Lord loved the church.

2 Pet 3:7
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Your WH should focus on his on issues and his own christian walk. The devil is the father of lies, has your husband dealt with all of his falswhoods yet?

He has changed a lot. He asks me what he can do for me to feel safe. Honestly I have no idea. I feel so stressed all the time with responsibilities. I feel so overwhelmed with motherhood, working and triggers. I do feel like its gaslighting. I just let him talk last night and then I just cried because I feel so overwhelmed. He said that my depression is starting to turn on him... But I felt like I did not do anything yesterday. A man is supposed to be a provider... but I help out too. So I just do not understand. I know his life before was different.....For xmas he bought me a book and wrote inside. I did not understand the concept, because it was a wedding planner with our story in it. He said to leave it out so he could write in it. But he has not written in it. I guess my question is just how do I start to feel safe? What can I do to get out of this funk. He says my vibes off, but I feel like he is the one who pushed me to that after years of neglect.

Unless your husband is very stupid, he hasn't done the work or figured out what work to do becuase he doesn't actually care. Is he stupid?

A simple internet search would have given him info on books to read and actions to take to repair the relationship that he broke.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald is great, take a couple hours to read.

He *should* be able to find and read something like that on his own initiative,but instead he sounds like a coward hiding behind the Lord and gaslighting you into submission so you can eat the pain he caused forever while he moves on effortlessly.

I suggest you give a hard think about remaining married to a person whose past and present are deceptive and of low character. Past performance is the best predictor of future performance and even Jesus can't change your husband when he won't repent.

This is the blunt truth: R is HARD. It is hard even when the wayward partner is remorseful and does the work. It is not R if that doesn't happen. It is a rugsweep, at best and continuing abuse at worst.

This situation will not get better if you continue to deal with it as you have been.

Although I understand where you are coming from. There are some things I am not sharing. This man is not a bad person, but of course has not made some of the best decision in life. We have a family and have built a home together. I have decided to stay. I have done a lot of work on my self. The problem is that I want to let my guard down or tell him what to do to make me feel safe, but I just do not know what that is. Of course he has done things that I do no agree with and has hurt me. But I still do love him. Everyday I wake up and I try.... he has shown remorse, I just wish he understood emotions

He is either remorseful or he isn't. He is either doing the work or he isn't. Which is it?

If you don't know what the work should look like, how can you be confident he did it and changed? See what I'm getting at?

Feeling safe — not all of us make it back to feeling safe, and I understand why. Our mind is trying to protect us, because we just don’t ever want to feel the level of trauma and pain that arrives with discovering infidelity again.

And here is the thing, you cannot make yourself feel safe. Your partner is responsible for having your back and not causing you pain. Only your husband’s relentless EFFORT to show you safety can help you feel better about the relationship.

You only have control over you and your personal healing, you have to get to a place in your heart and your head where you KNOW you will be okay, regardless of the outcome. This a very hard step, because your instinct is to save your family and keep it as whole as possible for your kids.

You can eventually choose to be vulnerable, which to me is the key to intimacy and affection — when your husband does the extra work.

You’re allowed to be sad.

Infidelity is a real life nightmare that causes long term emotional scars.

You’re allowed to take all the time you need to heal.

You’re allowed to keep those walls up until your marriage FEELS safe.

You recognize his emotional scars before he met you — it’s only fair if he takes a moment to see the emotional scars to YOU that he created with his choices.

It took me….five years to be able to let my guard down again with my wife, and she worked really hard to be a safe partner during that entire time.

Be easy on yourself, it takes both people working hard to rebuild the relationship.

Hi BrokenAngel, I'm sorry you're struggling.

Can you give us a little background on your story? I know you had been uncomfortable sharing previously because of some pushback and perceived judgment you got from some of the posters, but having a bit of background is really helpful to have an idea of where you are at in your journey and to know why you might be feeling how you are. I know you have said you and your husband have been together 12 years and that you have 2 kids. My understanding is that the first 7-8 years of your relationship were not "in-person" (is that fair to say?). Does that mean that the kids were born in the last 4-5 years? I think you had also said the As happened during each of your pregnancies. Are you able to give us a rough idea of your kids' ages/when the As happened? Were they the same or different APs during each? When did you learn about the As? Were they over at the time you learned? What has happened since.

You indicate that there have been years of lies. Was there lying that occurred outside of the affairs? Edit: Upon reading some of your past posts, I gather there was some unrelated lying that occurred about some other pretty major topics at the beginning of your relationship. I imagine that would make healing/building trust/trying to feel safe more difficult. Has the lying stopped?

Look I get it, I have two young children too - I totally understand why you would be motivated to want to keep your family together. Infidelity aside - if your kids are as young as I'm guessing, you're IN IT right now. Do you have help/family support? Is your husband sharing the workload with kids/around the house? That alone, can be a real intimacy killer.

It sounds like you're tying yourself in knots to keep your family together while you're trying to heal. That sounds really hard. You mentioned in a previous post that you're in therapy - that's great. Is your husband putting in an equal amount of effort? You say he is emotionally unavailable due to his life before he met you - are these things he's working on in therapy? I understand he's trying to be a provider but there is so much more than that that goes into being a good partner and father. He owes it to both you and your girls to be there for you all.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:46 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

Hi emergent8,

Yes, there has been some judgement so I have stayed off the site. My therapist advised me too. However, I am not currently in therapy. Things have gotten better, but the triggers still come. Our relationship was in person, but not everyday. Think of it as being with a guy in the military.... So I would see him on weekends and sometimes getting to stay overnight for 7 to 8 years. He came home and I found out a lot of things that were hidden. I signed legal documents showing that I was aware he was inside for a specific amount of time. These documents were approved by officials. To only come to find out he was inside for a lot longer than what I was aware of. When he came home, I let him adjust. Unfortunately he cheated; truths unravelled and I was stalked by his ex. I was 8 months pregnant and our daughter was born sick. Due to all the stress I was under. I gave him another chance, however he is a trucker so he would be "working" . What did I know, I focusing on my baby. He claimed he was not with other people... flash forward I get pregnant again. I ask him to not put me through all this again. I wanted a normal pregnancy. We were doing good at this point. I have my baby in 2021. I find out three months into it that he is on a dating site and he is talking to some girl from years ago. We are in a different state but he has not seen her. I confronted him and told him I was done. He confessed everything. His excuse is that he did so much time that he did not get to experience life. To me that excuse is invalid, because when I met him I did not know he was inside. Until talking to him for a couple of months. I also did not know the length of time. I am trying to save my marriage; we have a family. He wants me to be super affectionatebut its hard. So first affair ( he claims it was not an affair and was trying to make his ex look stupid, which I do not believe) was 2017 fully found out everything in 2018. Second time was 2021. However he disclosed to me about another girl at a warehouse, but then retracted. Claiming it was a one time thing. Now 2024, he is claiming that when we moved to another state he wanted to start over. Clean slate. Have I done work on myself? Yes, my mind does not race as much anymore. I am still in a depressed state, but I am trying to work out. I need to find things I love again. I use to love life. Him, he is closed off. Due to his past he is emotionally unavailable. he does not believe in therapy. He has been shown no love... So I honestly do not even know if he considers my acts of love...love. He wants me to be all over him, we had 2 small children and I basically manage everything in the house and finances. I am so overwhelmed. I do not know how to make him a safe partner again for me. I do not know what I need him to do. He cut off everyone from his previous life. Works and comes home. But I just wish he was more emotional I guess. When I met him he was the sweetest guy. I feel like when he stepped out the world became too much for him and he closed off to me.

My children are 2 and 5. Sometimes I feel like he turns my 5 year old against me. She will see I am upset which I try to hide and she claims mommy runnins things. Of course I do not tell her what is going on. But I am sure when she gets older she will understand. Helping out, he does a little here and there but nothing like what I need. I have no family support. My mom lived here for a little bit, they fought and honestly she gave me more trouble then I needed. She was suppose to watch the kids while I worked from home which did not really happen. Its like I am in overload and he does not understand. Sometimes I am feel like the girls he was with did not have kids or had older ones so they were more put together. He has complained I do not get dressed up but honestly I have no energy. I crave affection but not sexual more of an intimate like how it use to be... so I know the struggle is the kids and the infidelity does not help

I felt like in the beginning I was very affectionate but after all the hurt and lies I have become very guarded.

Mentally I am just tired. My heart hurts from years of lies

Last night he said the devils working on me because I have signs of depression.

I do feel like its gaslighting. I just let him talk last night and then I just cried because I feel so overwhelmed.

For xmas he bought me a book and wrote inside. I did not understand the concept, because it was a wedding planner with our story in it. He said to leave it out so he could write in it. But he has not written in it.

Him, he is closed off.

Due to his past he is emotionally unavailable.

he does not believe in therapy.

It is very hard to read your posts. I was in a relationship like this years ago, where there were promises not followed through on, no belief in therapy, and I was always the problem. I thank god every day that I got out.

The reason I cannot offer you any suggestions for how to let your guard down is that I don't think you should let your guard down. You will be hurt. And guess what? He will for sure tell you that it's your own fault. That's probably why other posters have not offered you suggestions. Why would I help you suck up to someone who is emotionally abusing you? I cannot do that. You are doing everything and he is doing nothing, but he tells you that HE is the one who has it hard. Girl, you know that is not the truth. He is emotionally harming you and gaslighting you. Just read all those statements above! He gets to be emotionally unavailable but hates therapy? Just no. That is not a good man.

How much bad can be in a person and still call him a good man? 20%? 30%? Because he may have a good side, but that does not make him a good man. If he is horrible to you 20% or 30% of the time, then that is NOT a good man. You have too much empathy, and he is taking advantage of that. I can only assume that you grew up with people that did not give you quality love, consistent love, and when that happens, we are not good judges of what to expect from love. (Ask me how I know.) The love your WH is giving you is not good, fair, quality, healthy love. How can we possibly help you to fix that when YOU are not the problem? We can't.

I feel as if you have come here and said, "My husband stabbed me multiple times a few years ago. I have 200 stitches and PTSD from the shock of what he did. How do I act more affectionate toward him so he doesn't leave me?" Girl, WHAT? The question is, "What is HE doing to make you feel safe?!" He needs to be doing all of this:

Therapy!

Reading books!

Transparency with all electronics!

More time at home!

Asking nothing of you emotionally or physically! Giving you time.

Blaming you for nothing!

Continually owning his own atrocious actions!

Consistently helping around the house and picking up slack so that you have time to focus on yourself!

Talking about it whenever you need!

So there is your answer: when he does all of those things, you will most likely start to feel affectionate again. That is how the human psyche works. For all of us. When we feel safe with someone, we can be vulnerable with them. When we don't, we flinch, we recoil, we back up. You are behaving instinctually because you are wise. Why would we help you go against your wise instincts?

He needs to change, not you. You just keep doing what YOU need to do to survive your hard life. It won't always be this hard, but it is right now. So ignore this selfish loser who has a good side and focus on what you need. Love yourself. You are smart, strong, and very capable. Look at what you are surviving! Do not let him bully you into thinking anything less. Take care of your awesome self because you deserve the effort.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:49 AM, Sunday, January 7th]

OwningIt is 100% correct. I would add one thing though. I can relate to your comment about talking about finances. You need to be able to talk about finances with your spouse without feeling like you need to do everything on your own. My EXWS used to do the same to me, and I can understand how that would remind you that his APs didn't have to worry about fiances, little kids, cooking, cleaning.... All the things we do as ADULTS. Everytime your WS tells you what you're doing "wrong", he's telling you why you don't measure up when really, he's not measuring up. No one wants to be a single parent in a marriage. You may no realize it, but your WS has you completely prepared to divorce and be a single mom.

You can't fix this marraige on your own. You can walk on eggshells and do all you can not to start an argument and hide your hurt, but in the end, thats only hurting you and not rebuilding your marriage. This is what your WS wants.

Dear BrokenAngel,

I am sorry you have felt judged. Here is what I can share, for what it is worth.

This has been the hardest part of recovery for me. I asked this same question a few months into my own reconciliation.

Looking back, here is what worked for us:

1) RECOVERY BEFORE RECONCILIATION. Make it clear to your spouse that you BOTH need healing to even consider reconciliation. Hysterical bonding my happen, but time to process is also important

2) SHARE THE VULNERABILITIES. In our case, his affair was rooted in issues about his own masculinity. When I helped him see how the affair devastated my sexual confidence, he was more willing to open up about his own vulnerabilities. INTIMACY is about trust. That has to be rebuilt, and it takes time.

3)CONSIDER YOUR OWN BAGGAGE. The further I got from DDAy, the more I realized that betrayal had triggered some things that actually predated our marriage. The same was true for my spouse. We needed time to deal with that honestly.

My spouse was therapy resistant due to a negative experience in childhood. Instead, we got a cognitive behavior therapy card deck. Each day, we alternate drawing a card. It's helped us both deal with depression (we both have history with it) and it has given us a new language.

Whatever your own story is, don't let others judge you. Your path is your own. You are finding your way. Love, in the wake of betrayal, is an act of profound courage. You are strong. Whatever comes, know that you are strong.

Hi OwningItNow , Although I do agree with you that he does have issues... I am surviving. Do I love this man, yes. Do I agree with his actions... no he is wrong. Over the past year I have worked on boundaries... I have been trying to take care of myself... We have children and I am not going to break up my family. So right now it feels like survival mode, but then again I crave his affection. Its an odd spot to be in. When I read my posts or talk to myself (LOL which I do often), I know its him; however I am not willing to separate without giving this my all. We have been together for years and I will not throw it all away. Now if there is another infidelity, we are completely done. I am trying to gain support and ways to improve our life together. As for what he is doing electronics I have access too, but I think because of his past I just always feel crazy like I need to hire a tech, home time yes he does that, therapy no... talking about it, we have but I just feel like I am never done.

RecklessForgiver- Thank you for the support. Do you mind sharing the deck of cards you use?

We are using Seth Gillihan’s The CBT Deck.

My spouse also grew up emotionally repressed. The affair was a response to his poor emotional intelligence; it was a coping mechanism for depression and a response to the hormonal changes of midlife. While he has hurt me more than anyone else, I have emerged from the first stages of betrayal more sure than before that I know him better than anyone else in his life—and that he is a good person who got lost—who lost himself. The cards have given him, given us, a way to practice how to be more self-aware.

I know that there are voices that judge those who choose reconciliation; I respect that their truth was different than than mine. There marriages were not me marriage.

My truth is this: it is not weak to choose to stay and to choose to love if after all the destruction of the affair, you find you can still love him. To love, in the face of betrayal, can be an act of courage. It was in my case. I am not healed yet, but we are on the path to a better marriage than we had before. But we are on this path because he realized he had to learn to be more aware of his emotions and he’s putting in the work.

Reconciliation is a hard road, but for us, it’s working. We’ve both been doing the work, and that is bringing us together. It is not a straight line to recovery, but …

RecklessForgiver thank you for the information. We are in the same boat. My husband now claims to understand how his actions have affected me but he does not how to show feelings. We have had a conversation where he basically told me he has never been loved before. He now knows he will loose me and he does not want that. I have made it very clear. For such an intelligent man, its hard for me to understand that he lacks emotional intelligence. I blame myself for not making a bigger deal the first time it happen. I just had a new life and I was allowing him to get situated. I did not believe it, because we were so good and I just could not understand where he had the time since he was fresh home. Then I got pregnant and everything unravelled. By that time, I focused on my daughter who was sick. being pregnant and then going into early labor; I just bossed up and I was like okay this little girl needs me.... But this last time, I was like enough is enough. He saw me destroyed before, but I just will never fully understand why he would do that to me. We have definitely had the hard conversations this time around. I am hoping for the best and hoping I can open him up.