SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really really need some advice on this situation. I’ve been sick for days. So, Me and my boyfriend have been dating for three years now, we’re very serious and have recently started talking about marriage.

So shortly after we graduated law school, he moves to Texas for a job, which was a whole plane ride away from me so we did an entire year long distance. I moved to Texas to be with him in August of this year.

A few weeks ago there was this big parade festival here where we live in Texas and it can get kind of wild. So while we were there we saw this girl and she starts waving my boyfriend down she’s like "omg hey!" and he introduced her to me but he just said my name , he didn’t say this is my girlfriend.

She proceeds to say "we were at his house last year for the festival," (which is when we were doing long distance so I wasn’t around) and I was like you were? Which was weird to me bc he continually told me last year he was coming to this festival with "the guys". This girl was like yeah well do you know Kenzie? and I said no and she said "oh well that’s why we were at his house because him and Kenzie are friends."

Like we’ve been dating for three years I’ve known him for longer than that and I’ve never heard of a Kenzie before. So, I did something crazy. I went through his phone and I searched the name Kenzie and I did not like what I found.

They have been snap chatting as recently as two weeks ago, and then I got to the text messages…. she apparently lives in a different city in Texas, which is about three hours from here. She was telling him that she was going to come in town for this parade and she wanted to see him and he was like yeah I’m having a bunch of people at my house after you all should come by. So fast forward to the day of the parade and he is blowing her phone up. "Please come over please come over you all have to come over. " He’s sharing his location with her at one point he called her honey, she said "sorry it’s been a long day" and he said "well I have a sweatshirt here you can wear" I mean he was blowing her up, the last text messages that I read was her saying I’m here and he said I’m coming down. And the next morning he said thanks for coming I had so much fun. That was the only text messages that they had.

So I told one of my friend this story and she said "I don’t think he would ever cheat on you, but he’s just a flirty guy." And proceeded to tell me that during our long distance year that he was "just a big flirt."

Things have been great since I moved down and I’ve never suspected cheating until this. But now I feel like he just crossed all kinds of lines that year that we were long distance. What do I do? Am I over reacting? Do I tell him about the texts I read on his phone? I’m second guessing our relationship. Help!!

There is obviously something going on. If you are planning on getting married i am sorry but you can't shove it under the carpet. You would regret it and resentment is already growing. JUST SAY LOUD "IT IS NOT MY FAULT, I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY IN HIS CHOICES" He put himself in this and it is affecting your relationship.

I am honest. I stayed because we had a history of more than 30 years together and he betrayed me after 3 decades. Had he betrayed me after 3 years I think I would have kicked him in the butt.

You're not overreacting.

I think I'd gather my evidence first (take screenshots with your phone and get her phone number) then say to him, out of the blue with absolutely no lead-up, "So, tell me about Kenzie." Gauge his reaction.

I wouldn't tell him that you've been through his phone. Never reveal your sources. I would say, "I've been ruminating on what that girl said at the parade and it doesn't sit quite right with me."

OR you could lie low and keep watching.

"just a big flirt"

Oof. I'm curious if he's a gregarious, flirty guy when you're around, or just when you're not?

So what kinda advice are you looking for?

He cheated.

Now, I'm biased. You know, having been cheated on. But I gave my wife the benefit of the doubt.

I'm going to give you a paraphrased bit of advice I got on another site that is perfect for you right now.

Imagine you aren't you. Your story is from a stranger. Read that story. Do you still believe the stranger's boyfriend? Really? You think that adds up?

Nah. He 100% hooked up with Kenzie.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I would not tell him I went through his phone. If there is/was something there, he will bury it all.

So you never flat out asked your BF about this? I am assuming this girl was saying all this about going to his apartment and this friend Kenzie in front of you? How did you conversation go with your BF after this girl walked away?

Even if this was innocent, I would have a big problem with him never telling me about it.

The sad reality is that now you know who he is. And...if this is what you know went on in secret of you - what don't you know?

What you know is he had an EA. He can downplay it as "flirty" and "possibly inappropriate" and "may have crossed the line" and so on, etc.

If I were a betting person what you know ["flirty" is just the tip of a very big iceberg. I guarantee if rolls were reversed he'd not be OK with it and write it off as "flirty".

Ultimately - he's shown you who he is. What are you going to do about it? Because he is not a safe partner and I am sorry, but don't think he ever will be.

Even if this was innocent, I would have a big problem with him never telling me about it.

This is where I'm getting red flags about him too. The fact that you were never told about this or even who these people are is concerning. He was able to lead a double life with no issues and is able to hide this away from you.

All affairs start with flirting.

Flirting is letting the other person know you're interested in them, or you like what you see.

It's an invitation.

Do you plan and hope that this is your life-partner?
If so, then keep in mind the enormity of that role. If you are afraid of confronting him now and having frank discussions… keep in mind that in the future you will have to talk about children, finances, where to live, if to attend church, how to budget, Ford or Toyota, East-Coast or Texas…
Right now is "easy" and definitely the time you both should a) decide if you want to be life-partners and b) establish the basics of what you two expect of each other.

Regarding this woman. Heck… I would be tempted to reach out and hear what she has to say. Something suggests she didn’t know of your existence, so it might be good to hear from her how far your BF took this relationship. Who knows – maybe she confirms he was the one holding her off.

Ok I have an update. I asked him who Kenzie was. He said a friend from home, and that they used to go to camp together as kids. Then he said why- I haven’t seen her in a few years.

This just really made me mad because he’s already lying.

So, I said that girl that we saw at the parade she was Kenzie‘s friend. She told me that they were at your apartment last year. Why are you lying?

Then he got pretty emotional and was like yeah OK I’m sorry I invited her and her friends over. I was having a party after the parade and I knew she was in town so that’s why I invited her and her friends over. Keep saying nothing happened, that he would never cheat. But he was like really defensive and upset.

I still just had this bad gut feeling about it, so I texted her myself. She also said they didn’t hook up, she said "We’re friends from camp, you need to chill for real. It’s just Friend vibes you have nothing to worry about."

Idk I still feel weird about the whole situation. Also - I said did you even tell her you had a girlfriend? And he said idk I don’t remember if I did…

[This message edited by Yankeedoodle at 10:12 PM, Friday, February 23rd]

Let's make two different assumptions, and go from there:

Assumption 1: he cheated with her and has been for a while without you knowing anything. What would you do?

Assumption 2: he's an idiot who tried to play matchmaker with a female friend and one of his friends. I.e. 'hey bro, know any chicks to invite to this party?' 'Uh, maybe. I can ask.' What would you do?

Bigger used to be in law enforcement, so I hope he chimes in as the SME (subject matter expert). But this:

Then he said why- I haven’t seen her in a few years.

From what I understand, a person who is lying will often add unnecessary details to their explanation, almost as if they have rehearsed what they intent to say when asked.

On a side note, I have had to investigate subordinates in my job, and I always pause for an uncomfortably long time. They often tell on themselves.

He seems to have anticipated your discomfort and framed a response ahead of time.

As well, he probably gave the OW a heads up and they coordinated their response. Another red flag would be the identical nature of the stories, as if they had been practiced, like working from a script.

Your gut is telling you something is up, he has already lied. These should be red flags.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:31 AM, Saturday, February 24th]

I'm not here to say "they coordinated stories" but I will say you caught him clearly deceiving you. You can't trust her or him on this topic. They *could* be telling the truth but the benefit of the doubt is gone.

He lied to you.

He lied by omission when he didn’t tell you last year that he had invited his "camp friend" to come over.

And then he lied when he said he hadn’t seen her in a few years. Wasn’t he standing there when Kenzie’s friend told you they had come over?

Also, "you need to chill for real"? Bite me, Kenzie.

Cut your losses, friend. As a professional woman, you’re most definitely a catch and you can do better.

She also said they didn’t hook up, she said "We’re friends from camp, you need to chill for real. It’s just Friend vibes you have nothing to worry about."

Kenzie can kiss my pink sparkly thong adorned ass!

She's been coached, rehearsed and is throwing it in your face. He flat out lied when questioned. IMHO - dump them both and go on about your soon to be awesome authentic life. You deserve far better than this.

I still just had this bad gut feeling about it....

Idk I still feel weird about the whole situation....

Please trust your gut.

I could just kick myself for all the time I wasted and heartache I did not trust those feelings. All because I sooo wanted to believe my ex.

Kenzie needs to take a very long seat. Wayyyyy over there.

Think about if you had gotten a text from a guy friend's girlfriend? Would you condescend like that? Or would you feel empathy and reassure that person?

To me you have three red flags here. He didn't tell you about Kenzie being there last year. He reflexively lied about it when confronted. Kenzie is a mean girl.

You've got a decision to make. Re-read Bigger's post.

To me you have three red flags here. He didn't tell you about Kenzie being there last year. He reflexively lied about it when confronted. Kenzie is a mean girl.

And he doesn't remember telling her he was in a committed relationship. That's four red flags you know of for certain, even before you get to speculating on more.

He has shown you his true self.

At a minimum he’s a liar. In reality for those of us who are a bit older and more experienced, he’s a lying cheater.

Please please please don’t fall for his "I don’t know crap". It’s a smokescreen. He DOES know. He just doesn’t want to admit the truth.

🚩 he didn’t introduce you as his GF
🚩 he lied about having his "friend" at his home
🚩 he’s lying by omission (bad trait IMO)
🚩 he’s been living the "single" life and doesn’t want it to end

You deserve someone who is not shady. If he’s shady now he’s going to be shady if you are married to him.