SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My boyfriend (42m) of ten years told me (38f) two months ago that he had another affair that’s been going on and off for the past two years (the first one was two years into our relationship with his best friend. It lasted a year and after a lot of work we got through it). He promised he’d never do it again but here we are. We’d been having issues and in couples therapy for a while. At the beginning of 2022 our therapist suggested a trial separation which I didn’t want but felt I didn’t have a choice because he wanted it. I managed to get him to at least agree to not sleep with anyone else while we worked through it. A couple of months later in April I found out I was pregnant and of course was extremely happy. He was away for work so I ended up telling him over FaceTime. He was scared and shocked but excited. We obviously stayed living together and didn’t separate which made me happy. I knew we had issues and I knew being pregnant wouldn’t just magically take them away but I did believe we could make it work.
He came to every drs appt with me except one as he was again away for work. Because of the pre-existing issues our relationship wasn’t perfect, he was some what distant but I kind of got used to it. He didn’t want to have sex with me because he said he just isn’t turned on by pregnant women (im not mad about that, i do understand it’s not everyone’s thing).
So I gave birth in Jan of 2023 and he was there by my side. Three months postpartum he breaks down and tells me he can’t do it anymore, that he doesn’t want to be with me (Great time to tell someone this, fucking asshole). I was livid, felt completely lost and confused, neither of us are from this country so we don’t have any family here, no support system. Because of the baby (I’m presuming) he tells me we don’t need to rush anything, nothing drastic needs to change but he just can’t be with me. That he needs his space. I’m post partum and completely beside myself but trying, I tried my best to hold space for him (while working a full time job from home as I never got maternity leave and looking after the baby). It goes on like this for months and then eventually mid 2023 he decides to start sleeping in another room. This was really hard for me, it hurt a lot but there wasn’t much I could do. So whenever the baby would cry at night time he would come into our room to change the baby and bring it to me (not ideal situation to be in).

In August we go back to his city in another country and stay there for a month. He’s distant again but he’s always bloody distant so what’s new.
Then in Oct he tells me that he’s having a really hard time coping and just needs some time away. A solo fishing trip. I agreed only because he said how much he needed it and I could see his mental health declining. He goes away for a week into the wilderness with barely any reception and because he’s having alone time I purposely try not to contact him. That week was incredibly hard for me, our baby didn’t sleep, I was burned out, while trying to juggling a ft job and not sleeping myself. It was really hard – with no help at all. He comes home, nothing out of the ordinary. Still sleeping in the other room.


He travels a lot for work going back to his home city so flew back again in oct and Nov for work. It’s always hard when he leaves as I’m alone with the baby and dogs to walk.
 December comes and we fly back to my home country for Christmas, he leaves early and goes back to his home country to be with his family for NYE.

And then once we’re all back home in the some country in Jan 24 he opened up and admits to having a two year long affair with a woman in his home city that started at the beginning of 22 (he says it’s because there were needs that just weren’t being met in our relationship for a long time and an opportunity presented itself and he gave in. He said the communication that he experienced with this person was like nothing he’d experienced with anyone before – an area we’ve always struggled with). This woman is from his home city so it was a long distance affair. Unfortunately he flew back often for work and they would see each other then and then he’d have an emotional affair with her when he wasn’t there).

He said he ended it when I found out I was pregnant but then we’d have issues and for some reason he decided that through our anger and resentment for one another I wanted to have the child alone (never that case) so that made him go back each time. He said he ended it multiple times and after a while she’d always make contact and he’d eventually go back to her. The joys. I think out of two years the longest they went without talking was a couple of weeks.
He said there was a span of about 10 months they didn’t see each other and then last august when we flew to his home city – yes he decided to lie to me while staying at his family home and say he’d to go into the city a few times for work and would need to stay there (his family live in the countryside) so he was sleeping with her and staying at her home while I was in the same fucking city – a very big low point.

Then his week away in oct solo fishing turns out was that but also included her. They went away together for a week! He completely abandoned his responsibilities as a new father and to me. He told me he was sleeping in his rental car the whole time.
When we flew back to my home country for Xmas I think this was a big turning point for him. He said it made him begin to wake up and realise the gravity of the situation he’d gotten himself into.

Unfortunately when he left us early and flew back to his home city for nye this also included him looking after her dog for the week as she was out of town and apparently had no one else – wtf.
He said he flew out before she got back and she was furious that he didn’t stay to see her.

So apparently for him he never intended it to go on for so long. He said he never should have started it in the first place. That he became scared of her in that she was always threatening to tell me. So he would try to ease the situation. He got himself so deep he didn’t know how to get out of it and he didn’t want me to find out from her. And how would he tell me while I’m pregnant or post partum. It sounds like he told her we were broken up and that we were just living together (despite our issues we both agree now that we’ve very much still been together and that’s why he feels like he’s cheated). They told each other "I love you" – makes me sick to think that.

He said because it was long distance and he went months without seeing her it was "out of sight, out of mind". Despite talking and no doubt having phone sex.

He said it was like a quick fix. A Band-Aid. For her it sounds like it meant a lot more. She messaged him mid January after he told me. He said she was threatening to tell me again and he said "I’ve just told her".
She also sounds a little mentally unstable tbh. She messaged me afterwards. I really don’t want to be caught up in this drama but I decided to reply to take back some of my power. I’m very proud of what I wrote. I took the high road and put her in her place in a respectful way. Made some things clear. I got a very nasty msg back from her (not surprising).
She then went on to msg by boyfriend and say that she just had a miscarriage. That was a tough pill to swallow but the way it came up and the timing of it make it hard to believe unfortunately. My boyfriend also said she’d been away over Xmas and nye partying in Mexico. She said she’d found out Dec 20th that she was "pregnant" and he says he doesn’t believe because of how often she brought up wanting to be a mother so going on a bender doesn’t really align with wanting a baby – to even think about these things is hell. (To clarify he told her he did not want children with her and wouldn’t commit to what she wanted).

Sooo here we are. If I didn’t have a child with him I’d be out the door. But I do. And I think he’s in shock. I think he’s coming to and realising the gravity of his decisions over the past 2 years.
This is so much to deal with. I believe his honesty now. He’s been completely open and honest about everything (I think anyway). I can see that he’s definitely been in a depressive / mid life crisis for the past two years. He’s been apologising for everything. He’s also upset at himself as having a baby is the biggest thing for both of us and he really fucked a lot of it up not only for me but also for himself.

Words are cheap. Actions matter, and not just future actions. Past actions.

There is a resistance here to generalizations, so I must be careful in my wording. On the balance of probability, something can be more likey, though not absolutely certain.

Past behaviour is the most likely indicator for future behaviour. It's why we have a concept like credit history. Yeah, you've been shitty with finances your whole life, but now super-promise that you will make only wise financial decisions moving forward.

Your WH has shown you a possible pattern of behaviour. Sadly, he will likely continue this behaviour unless the core character faults are addressed. Now, I'm not one that believes that people often change. Some do,but it takes an amazing strength of character that most people do not have. I'm not in the anbody can be anything they want camp.

So what do you do? You should be cautious and measured in how you move forward. Dig into his past to see if there is anything else (there probably is). Don't believe a word he says. Cheaters will often swear on earth and heaven that they have told you everything until.they having. Lather, rinse repeat. Often it's when a BS draws a hard line and files that a WS has their Damascus moment.

It takes a special wayward to have the strength to turn things around. If they were common, they wouldnt be special.

Congratulations on your baby. I'm so sorry that you've had to join us here because infidelity sucks. First, please be sure to read the pinned posts at the top of the page, as well as those with the bull's eye icon. Second, the Healing Library is a great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. Please don't do couple's counseling right now. They are there to help heal the relationship. We have a saying that the betrayed heals the betrayed, the wayward heals the wayward, and then heal the M (marriage) - or your relationship in your case - together. The couples counselor may blame you for part of his A (affair). The A is 100% on him.

There's a book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald that is a good blueprint for him to follow. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. The first book is for him, but feel free to read it, too.

Focus on you and your little one right now. If you have problems with anxiety, depression, sleep, see your doctor for some meds. It really is important that you recover from the shock of your dday. Then, think about R (reconciliation). Your WBF (wayward boyfriend) has a lot of work to do to become a safe partner. Watch his actions, as many cheaters lie a lot.

This man showed zero concern for you,or his unborn child.

There are stds that can cause an unborn child to be born with physical abnormalities. Or they can kill an unborn child.

I notice he takes no responsibility. It's your fault. Her fault. Bit not his.

A good father doesn't expose the mother of his child to deadly stds. He doesn't expose his child to deadly stds. He doesn't risk the child's happiness, or family, for his selfish needs. A good father sets a good example.

Run.

So sorry you were hurt so badly, and during what should be a joyous time.

He is not remorseful. He has not taken responsibility for his CHOICES. (He did not "give in"- he chose to be with her.)

Has he changed jobs? How will he be a safe partner and father?
What is HE doing to change to a safe partner and to help you and your child?

Can you move closer to your family where you will have more support?
Is he being transparent?
Is he digging into his "whys"?

Who do you have IRL to talk to ? IC may be helpful as you figure out what is next. And maybe start getting your ducks in a row in case you need to separate or D. Does your job support you? Could you leave if you needed to?

In the meanwhile, make sure you got the STI/STD testing and do not get pregnant with him again. And don’t buy a house or anything hard to unwind. Under the best R circumstances. It takes years.

Read in the healing library, read the posts with bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum, and read read read. And post more when you are ready.

Again, so sorry you had to find us.

I have tried to find a word that describes what he has been doing. Creeping out of your life does not quite fit. Oozing out of your life does. You have very little left of him in your life. What you have is a hologram. There is nothing there.

Your are going to ruin your health trying to make him grow up and be responsible. You are basically spitting into the wind.

What you just wrote is heartbreaking. You are a new mom and he can’t be bothered. Please, please look after yourself by leaving him. You will have a much better life without constantly worrying about where he is and who he is with.

There is an old saying…he would rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. You are with a person who lies and cheats. You deserve so much more than this.

He’s not a partner. Not who he has been or is now. You deserve better.

Only you can determine what you will tolerate. You’ve given him grace once and he chose to do it again.

One thing you both seem to agree on is that he’s the prize. He not.

Words mean nothing. He’s been completely honest, great. Then he can keep doing that… complete transparency on all devices, and NO rationalizations.

Infidelity was a bandaid for his ego? That’s not a why. He just ripped your shared life together to shreds and compromised his integrity again. What is he going to do to become a partner worthy of you considering staying with him. Apologizing is the starting gate.

Take some time. Review your options. And hold him accountable. R is hard when both parties are committed. You can’t do his work for him.

Thank you all for the advice. I realize in reading your words of wisdom that in my anger I probably didn’t elaborate on how he sees his affair.

I’m not making any excuses for him. He has taken accountability in that he after two years finally admitted it to me. He has answered every single question I’ve asked. Although he’s said he was in part afraid to end the affair due to her threats of telling me, he has said he chose to continue because of the connection they shared. He admitted this was communication and sexual. Hard to hear but I appreciate the honesty.

I didn’t really elaborate on him as a father, despite being an asshole partner he is an excellent father. Incredibly present and has been since day one. The stds factor was a concern of mine right of the bat and we’ve had lengthy arguments about it. He feels horrible from hiding it from me but said he was aware of the dangers and had regular std checks (not ok on any level and to make that decision for me - fml).

Definitely not rushing into any decision. I do have a therapist already so have a weekly session which helps a lot. My family are in another country ont he other side of the world so that’s not really an option.

One day at a time 😔

He’s also having a lot of personal realisations about lying and all fo his selfish behaviours

I will add one thing that is pissing me off and I’d love some advice on how to try and help him understand. He’s also discovered in the last two years during personal therapy that’s he’s poly. So that in itself is a whole other conversation we have to have and how that would look. I’m not poly and not signing up for that so if we decide to R then it’s a monogamous relationship only.

So because of his poly beliefs, he’s always seen love and sex differently from most. I’ve never judged this, I really don’t care as long as it doesn’t affect me.
But him having affairs and lying absolutely does.

I’m trying to explain to him that having an affair makes me feel like this relationship is not safe or secure when he does things like this. But he disagrees saying despite what he’s done he has always been a safe and secure person for me and that he would do anything for me. I think this feeds into his poly side as to why he can’t see how the affairs create this kind of turmoil and lack of security in the way I feel.

I’ll speak to my therapist about this to see if she has a better way of me wording for him but I’m kind of at a loss to get him to see it from my point of view.

He absolutely wants to R and start from scratch. Despite all of this mess ironically our communication has never been this good in our entire relationship. So as horrible as things are on some levels they’re also the best they’ve ever been 😵‍💫

Still not an excuse to cheat. If he made the decision to be exclusive, then it doesn't matter if he's poly.

You have no idea how many times we've heard the cheater say their ploy, which is really just an excuse to cheat. They aren't poly (which takes a lot of work to keep the relationships above-board), but want to have sex with whoever they want.

He's a selfish jerk.

He’s also discovered in the last two years during personal therapy that’s he’s poly

^^^his excuse to cheat.

IMO he will never be a faithful partner. He's already had two affairs that you know of. Cheaters lie. All of them. He's saying some nice words but his actions during your relationship speak volumes.

He's a manchild.

I think the question you should address with your therapist is why you would continue to tolerate his nonsense?

If you were my daughter or sister, I'd advise you to run and never look back. I fear you are going to have a lifetime of heartbreak if you stay with him.

But he disagrees saying despite what he’s done he has always been a safe and secure person for me and that he would do anything for me.

He knows damn well that lying and sneaking around is wrong. He also knows that lying, manipulating, risking your health and breaking your heart DOES NOT MAKE HIM SAFE.

On what planet is crushing another person "safe?"

From what I understand about poly, honesty is the bedrock of that lifestyle. Open and clear communication with ground rules and trust. He gave you none of that.

He's manipulating you.

Everyone who answered you is correct. Do some reading on the poly lifestyle. Lying is not supposed to have any place in a true committed poly relationship.

He is 42 years old. He is not going to change. Heck, I left my husband who was 26 at the time because I knew he also would not change.

I agree with the others that you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak if you continue this relationship. I'm so sorry you had to find yourself here, but you will have support here and also caring advice that may sound harsh at times but is meant to help you see the truth.

I want to focus on an extremely practical issue:
Paternity and accountability.
You state he’s your boyfriend – as in not spouse or common-law or married husband.
Is his name on the birth certificate?
Is there a child-support decision in place?

Talk to an attorney and get those factors 100% lined up.

His poly crap… I call bull on that.

We are common law spouses, I just use BF because the state we live in doesn’t recognise it. But yes he is on all of my child’s legal documents.

When he opened up and confessed everything he mentioned that he realized he’s never grown up and that he has literally become all of his male role models he had around him growing up - who lied and/or cheated (on his mother). And he said said having that realisation has been a tough pill to swallow but a much needed one. He realised and actually acknowledged for the first time both out loud and to himself that he has mastered the act of lying. He realised how good at it he actually is. And that he doesn’t want to be like that, he doesn’t want to teach his child those negative traits and he also doesn’t want to be known as a guy who actually does this.

He’s very good looking and he said from a young age people would assume he was the cheating type so I think he said in his late teens he said to himself "fuck it, I guess I’ll just be who they all think I am".

I didn’t hear him talk like this the first, I didn’t see him start to go back to the very beginning and see where it all started and how it has led him to this point. Whether we choose to eventually R or not I do care about him being the best person he can be as he’s the father of my child and I do want her to have a present and stable one. So I will absolutely put myself and healing journey first but I do want to support him while he navigates his own (it’s who I am which I probably why I stayed with him after the first time and the fact that I love him).

In regards to his poly, he has said he’s not using it as an excuse to lie or cheat. He understands that cheating is bad and has no place anywhere but that realising he identifies as poly has helped him understand part of the reason why he cheats and can have two ongoing relationships at the same time. Which I’ve reminded him that this was and never will be a poly relationship. He said part of the reason he was able to love her was because he is poly and is capable of loving more than one person at once in which I reminded him he had no business even entertaining those ideas - i found out two days ago that it started off as a two month emotional affair before it became physical. I think this should probably be dug deeper into during a couples therapy session at some point.

We definitely had relationship issues leading up to him starting this affair. We’d been in couples therapy for year, it wasn’t working (I now actually feel like that therapist made things worse tbh). We both wanted to come out the other side with better communication and we came out with the therapist telling us that nothing had changed over the course of a year and that we should seperate. That was a horrible day.

It sounds Iike she was introduced to him by a mutual friend on IG and they began friendly chats here and there. Hes an artist so when he flew to his home city for a period of 1.5 months for work, he said it was about 3 weeks in that he needed some help with prepping for an audition and no one else was available and so he asked her. It sounds like that then began doing outdoor activities here and there and then he said for a week before them having sex they began talking everyday and flirting and discussing relationships and sexual history and stds etc. Hard to hear knowing he knew what he was doing and planning it no matter how in denial or not he was.

It’s also hard to hear him recount our relationship during that time. I remember doing everything I could to try and save it and he recalls it as us just planning to separate and he just didn’t see how we were ever going to work (he has said he absolutely should have never of started it, even in the moment he was saying to himself what are you doing, you can’t do this to her but his ego and needs had the opportunity to be met so he evidently went with it). So his memory and recollection is all focusing on the negative which ultimately supports the reasons behind starting the affair so I had to point out to him yesterday that in all our relationship issues there was also a lot of great stuff and I appreciated him stopping and saying yes you’re right.

Our communication has always really sucked. We’ve just never been able to have healthy adult conversations without one or both of us being triggered or reacting or running away. I’m not denying my part in the issues. Neither one of us had healthy childhoods and real relationship models to look up to. Essentially neither of us ever learned how to be in a healthy relationship. This is a huge need of his - to communicate and I will give him benefit here, he tried for years and I was often the immature one losing my shit or running away (having a child completely changed this and nearly everything about me, I’m a very different person now). Touch is a huge need for him and since we had intimacy issues I know I wasnt giving him that just like I wasn’t having my needs met (the difference is I didn’t start an affair to have them met, he did).
For years he said one of the things that really attracts him to the person he’s with is physical activity and seeing them push themselves - I used to be like this but then got hit by a car and found myself in a legal battle and to had essentially stop all physical activity due to a bad back - this lasted three years and it impacted our entire relationship especially being physically active and intimate - thankfully back is better now). Not saying this to make excuses for him just a little more context and ownership on my part for the relationship leading to where it did and the needs on both sides that went unmet for a long time.

So I know at 42 the likelihood of him changing is low. However I do see some things coming out of him that I’ve honestly never seen before. Please don’t take that as me saying omg I finally have him back let’s just get on with it. Absolutely not, I’m not rushing into any decision right now, I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to understand as much as I can about this affair and why it happened and what it meant to him and where he sees himself now and in the future.

I know I’m not personally ready to make a decision. Thankfully I’m financially independent so I’m not relying on him for anything, I just want to make sure that the decision I ultimately make is because I made it being well informed.

He said he believed he would never cheat on me again. When I asked him how he feels about that now he said that he feels horrible and can’t believe the amount of pain he’s caused. He can believe he did it because he did do it but he’s actually having a hard time wrapping his around the fact that this is what he’s done and the extent he went to to lie. He said he is only human but said he sees things differently and understands that’s not the way everyone would see it. Meaning he would essentially choose forgiveness and look at the reasons as to why the affair happened.

He’s said that the only silver lining is that he believes he’s actually learned the lessons he’s needed to in order to make him wake up and realise he can’t keep living like this. He said he wants to change. That this is what unfortunately has made him want to be a better person. To which I said thats great but I’m so over your learning curves costing so much. There are healthier ways to learn things. Which he understands and completely agrees with.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice, I very much appreciate it 💜

[This message edited by Mag24 at 4:38 PM, Thursday, March 28th]

You posted that he acknowledged that he has never grown up and his behavior emulated all of the male role models he had in his life.

That is a very profound and telling statement.

And that could be what your child emulates as well.

He can be a great father. But do you want your child seeing you together as parents while dad goes off on these polyamorous relationships. Is that the behavior you want to have your child see?

Kids are very perceptive. You need to establish your boundaries and relationship with your BF so that you are showing your child what a "role model" really is.

Don't rush into anything but make yourself a promise. Put it in writing. That if he ever cheats you in any way ever again, that you will be done with it. Don't let yourself grow old while wishing for your loved one to change for you.

Maybe he will, but don't stake your entire life on it.

Op I’m sorry but I think he is a liar.

Ask him how often he had the std checks done and where did he go to have them done. Then (and only then) ask to see evidence of all the std checks he had done to protect you when you were pregnant. The doctor will have the records. If it’s true it’s an easy thing to prove.

If he blusters and stalls it’s yet another lie to save his sorry ass. I wouldn’t be shocked if there’s a thousand reasons why he cannot obtain them. Can’t remember where he went or did them anonymously or in a different town/country/planet or accusations of not trusting him or he did them under the name of a long lost relative or the clinic burnt down. I hope I am wrong and he takes you in the car to get them immediately. It’s an easy win for him to prove he is now being truthful.

I am not convinced he is remorseful.

If he is truly poly (I’m not convinced) then surely he would have asked you to join the party acquire yourself a lover. Instead he was happy to lie and indulge while you remained faithful to him. Polys and swingers don’t lie. It’s fine to be poly but it’s not fine to say ‘hey I want to be monogamous with you’ when he isn’t. That’s not poly - that’s cheating.

Sorry but I’m not convinced. I think he’s not digging and he’s not a safe partner. You deserve far far better.

Everyone is skeptical about his excuses. Lots of men and women think about sex with other people. If they treasure their loved ones they don’t act on it. Being poly is a cop out.

You want desperately for him to be a changed person. How do you change your personality. It can’t be done without deep and intense therapy and there is no guarantee.

We know you love him. That is what you are meant to do but you can’t fix him. He is the only one who can.

No one judges you for hoping. We judge him for making you so sad.