SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Your value isn’t something granted or approved by him. You are divinely loved and inherently worthy, and you have much to offer to someone who is worthy of you one day"

This ^^^

My good people, thank you for reminding me there's kindness in this world. I'm not really looking for advice, I know there's not much you can say, that I haven't heard before. Some of you asked for my story. It feels impossible and unnecessary to write it down. Words will diminish it, just like they do the pain. I was betrayed, deceived, TT'd to death. That's enough to say for those who know. No amount of words or details will make it more understandable to those who don't know. The story is always with me, like an ambient noise that you really don't want to focus on, as then that will be the only thing you hear. I no longer experience triggers. It's more like this is the default state, and random stuff might make me think I'm happy for a day or two. Then Mrs. Reality kicks in to make sure that I don't drift off too far. I had a few very tough years, and bad news just keep coming. It starts to feel like I'm a test subject in a bizarre psychology experiment. I imagine an alien scientist causing all those bad things, just to see how much I can handle before I go nuts. Almost there, Mr. Scientist! However, I don't think I'll go nuts. It's more likely I will just give up. When someone/something hits you every time when you try to get up, you learn it's best to cover you head and stay down. I don't feel like trying anymore, it's not worth it.

Thank you, my friends, for giving me a safe space to write what's in my head, no matter how it is and how it sounds. No one made a big deal out of my 40th birthday. After everything I've done. That hurts. Perhaps it's childish and insignificant, but it still hurts. I didn't even blow candles. No wish for me this year! It doesn't matter, they don't come true anyway. What hurts more is that I made my wishes clear. I wanted a nice, milestone-type present, and a celebration. A long time ago, he waited until midnight to sent her a Happy B-Day message. You know, so that she sees how great of a guy he is. Perhaps I ask for too much.

@whatisloveanyway thank you for your pity party, it hits very close to home. I, too, know my worth, but I so much wish I mattered just a little bit more...

Hannah, I'm at year 22 of this existence because much like you, I weighed my options and thought for ages that if I patiently hung in, waited for some change in the self-centered person I live with, then a slice of happiness might return to my life for more than a day or two, as you so very well described. I know exactly what you mean. Same here.

So gently, would encourage you now to consider that your life story doesn't have to be hopeless! The secret is that you will have to give up this bond that is holding you to this selfish person, and believe that life could be sweeter if this man wasn't dishing out his constant daily diet of dog-doo. To be blunt.

I'm on the verge of having to admit defeat, then mourn the lost years I threw at trying to repair what I didn't know was broken. Sounds like you are approaching the same realization. Please let go of this jerk, you so deserve better.

Hannah. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I’m so sorry of the pain you are feeling. I understand the sadness. It can be devastating and crushing. I have been told to limit my exposure to this site as it may keep me stuck.. but I believe it is so important to read what others in my situation are experiencing and know that I’m not alone. I’m not sure there is much I can offer to make you feel any better. But you have been heard. You have made me ponder and reflect today.

Please know you are not defined by your spouse or his affair. There is so much more to you dear Hannah. Choose you. Always choose you.

I believe there is a good and right function of a community like this to just scream our pain into the void and have the echos reach ears that understand us. Thanks for trusting us to hear you.

I also think there is a valid place in a community like this to prompt and encourage that life can be good and beautiful again. I mean, I’m nowhere near that so it isn’t going to be me Don’t give up, please. Take the heart/soul/mind that just communicated so eloquently and use it to grab life and light.

I'm not really looking for advice

Just know that we give you advice, we are also giving it to the 1000s of people who lurk at this site. And to myself, usually.

So thanks for posting your story, it is a huge help to everyone, and I’m glad you’re being heard. You deserve it, and so much more.

One of the hardest things for me to do was to learn to prioritize myself. I always viewed it as selfish. I was supposed to sacrifice for my wife and family right? Give up on things I want so they can have more? Look what that got me….

No wish for me this year! It doesn't matter, they don't come true anyway

The harsh lesson I learned through this is to not depend on anyone else… if I really want it, I make my own wish come true. If someone else helps it is just that much better. But my happiness and future doesn’t depend on them anymore. There is a sadness to that as it requires giving up on how I imagined life would be….

Tobster… I agree with everything you said. You learn to depend on yourself and be a little more selfish… and 100% you can not put the key to your happiness in anyone else’s pocket. You learn to protect that more than ever after discovery.

It’s not how I was built .. at all. It’s something I’ve had to l retrain myself to do. Be a bit more selfish and make my needs a priority

It's in the nature of some wishes that they depend on others. Quite often, it's not even about the wish, but the gesture and the effort that someone is willing to put into you, to make you feel just a little bit better. In this concrete example, yes, if I want a birthday celebration, I can organize it myself – that's what I did last year. If I want a nice, milestone-type present, I can get it for myself – and that's what I did. I got myself a beautiful piece of jewelry. I like to wear it, and I absolutely enjoy how it sparkles in the sun. It makes me happy. I can find joy in the little things, and in the world that surrounds me. Even the stars, that were ruined in a very cruel way during one instance of the betrayal, can still overwhelm me with their beauty. It hurts to look at them, but the way they look back at me makes it worth it. A long time ago, in one of my threads here, it was suggested to me that I might be too dependent. I took that seriously, got some books, but I couldn't recognize myself in anything that was written there. I guess it's those damn words that can't quite explain what's going on.

I look at what has become of my life, my marriage, and myself, and it makes me so sad. He destroyed our relationship, and then he deceived me into thinking he will fix it. Not only that he didn't fix it, but he also managed to break me in the process. It didn't need to be this way. He could've left me. I believe he stayed with me for the wrong reasons, and I got the memo too late. I don't know why I'm even writing this here. Perhaps it's an act of desperation, like a shout for help from a person trapped under earthquake rubble, who has just realized she's going to die there, and the only thing that can save her is a miracle. I feel embarrassed for this comparison, like I don't have a right to feel that way. After all, I have choices, like people wrote, and like I wrote to many BSs here. It doesn't matter those choices are of a "lesser evil" type. Would you rather lose your right leg or your left leg? Realizations hit hard. It truly feels I can only hope for a miracle.

H47, I love this from your signature…

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."

She whispers back, "I am the storm."

(((Hannah47))) my heart breaks for you. There is happiness and peace on the other side of this. I had to cut the cancer (xWS) out of my life in order to regain a new outlook. I felt very much like you for YEARS and it never got better and I never felt ok. I was depressed, suicidal, disconnected, you name it. My xWS and the aftermath of his affairs broke me. There was no more love for my xWS, I couldn't stand him near the end. My respect for him was zilch. I felt like I was living in a nightmare... until I left. Truly I hope you can find the strength to do the same.

Hannah, I just want to say I felt every word of this. I don't really have many words to add here, but you are felt

Dear Hannah,
First of all, I am sorry if it sounds imposing from my part .

Hannah is the name you were thinking to give your baby if ever you decided to have one ..

Gently , since you are going to start thinking only of your happiness , how about just do it, make the baby ! You can still do it and don’t think of him when you decide but think of the baby you’re going to have !! Maybe consider him just to be a sperm donor ?

This reminds me of Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise . She is totally happy to be a single mom and life seems to be a bliss even without Tom ..

Please at least give this some consideration ..
((Hugs)) and good luck !

Hey Hannah47, I don't know if uou have seen my thread, I like you are 6 years out from dday. For me the pain has never healed, it just hid away from time to time. The realisation that I can't stay has hit home for me over the past few years and in particular the past number of months. I'm not angry anymore just very placid about it all to the extent when I'm WW starts an argument I don't retaliate as they can't hurt me no more.
I am on the process of the logistics of leaving, it will break my kids, my inlaws and my WW and me to some extent but it's a jump I now have to take.
My thoughts are with you.