SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I just finish getting through a couple rough weeks of DDay anniversary and while being somewhat proud of the progress I’ve been making, I get a call yesterday from a fellow who would like my services as an excavating contractor. The guy said the company who had been doing most of the dirt work around their new house gave them what appeared to be an extremely high price to pay to install and bury their downspout drains. His father-in-law suggested he call me. (You know, I’m the nice guy who doesn’t charge an arm and a leg). Here’s the thing, the father-in-law was my WW’s AP! In what world is this a decent thing to do. This is actually the third time I’ve gotten a call from the couple in the last 3 years about work. I kindly found an excuse the previous 2 times but this time, right after DDay anniversary is like the title says, a real kick in the nads. Either the guy is a complete fucking moron who just can’t think of others or he’s doing it on purpose to pour salt in the wound. It takes great restrain to not go scorched earth on his world. I’m very close to letting his daughter and son-in-law know exactly why I don’t want to work for them.

Ok, venting complete. I just had to get that off my chest and I figured a lot of you here would understand how it feels like another knife was stuck in my back again.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:59 AM, Wednesday, April 10th]

He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been through it. He might think he’s doing you a favour trying to get you work. If you don’t want to do it just tell them why (your exWW had an affair) and you wouldn’t feel comfortable working for them.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 12:04 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

Coping my best. I have one better for you.Im a general contractor and my wife’s AP that she met at exercise class (I was totally in the dark and blind sided when it all came out and blew up)was wanting me to put a addition on he and his wife’s house .All the while WW and he were having a affair 🤷‍♂️. I never actually even got to go and look at the project,little did I I know what was going on he kept making excuses why he couldn’t meet with me.His wife found out 2weeks before my WW came clean and DD me. She caught them on home security camera talking on the phone.

Maybe the dumbass thinks he's making amends in some way by referring business to you? I get most of my business from referrals, and I can't imagine someone saying "[AP] sent me." That's just bizarre.

I agree, it sounds like someone with low emotional intelligence trying to make things "right" by sending you business. WTAF.

I'm sorry, but the AP re-opened the door. I would tell the couple that you don't do business with anyone affiliated with FIL due to his lack of character.

Thanks for the support friends. I was second guessing myself that I was overreacting. While I considered calling the SIL back and telling him the story, a close friend of mine who went through this hell at the same time as me and wound up getting D advised me that the time to spill all the beans was a couple years ago. At this point he suggested I simply tel them I can’t work for them due to his lack of past/current character and to ask to pass along the message that he refrain from ever sending work my way again. This seems like a much smarter path to take that I was missing due to the anger I was feeling.

This is truly wild. What a giant mindfuck. I'm sorry Coping.

Having thought about it a bit, I kind of doubt OM is fucking with you (who knows, I could obviously be wrong). The way I see it, OM probably wouldn't send someone he cares about to have work done by someone who he knows damn well has good reason to hate him or want to fuck him over. That just isn't logical - he's not going to want work on his daughter's property to be subpar. My guess is that the work likely isn't urgent and has needed to be done for a while, and the discussion/recommendation for your services either happened a while ago (perhaps when the A was still active). My guess that that for whatever reason (finances, availability of contractors, convenience, changes in the scope of work or motivation to get the work done, etc), the work has not yet been done and this is why the son-in-law has contacted you several times. Either that or OM is truly a clueless idiot - "oh, you need excavation work done? I actually know a guy who does that." My bet is that the guy contacting you has no idea the story of HOW the OM knows you (again, would you want work done at your house if by someone who actively hates a family member of yours - I doubt it). If it's been a while, the guy may not even remember where he got your name (I personally, keep a list of local contractors friends have recommended in my notes app of my phone in case I ever need someone). There is a good chance they didn't ever tell their adult children - or if they did, they didn't name names.

I do think you're well within your right to say something to this guy by now. This is your livelihood, so I assume you're not looking to burn bridges - especially if you live in a smaller community where word could get around. Maybe something to the effect of, "Hey man, I'm not going to be available to do this job for you. Not now, and not ever. Nothing against you personally, but if you're confused about why, I would encourage you to ask your FIL about it." I think that would probably be effective in getting you off their call list.

I bet emergent is right: I bet the referral happened during the A and not recently.

I don't think I'd say a word to anyone about why you're declining the job. I'd probably say something like "I'm sorry, I don't have the bandwidth to take on this job." It has the advantage of being vague, but also being true.

I'd also block the guy's number.

The AP and I were friends. He’s a funeral home owner who does house painting on the side. He works for a home builder that I also work for. The home builder was taught to build by my wife’s late father. The home builder walked my wife down the aisle at our wedding. The AP’s daughter and SIL began their house build a couple years ago. They asked me about putting in a culvert for their driveway. I declined, said I was likely closing down my business due to personal reasons (that almost wasn’t a lie, I considered it but accounting reasons prevented it). A couple months later a storm washed the culvert out, they contacted me again about fixing it. I again declined, said I was too busy. The house was built over the last year and now they need downspouts dug in. Regular contractor’s price is too high so I get recommended to ask for a quote. AP knows me well enough that I’m too fucking nice to turn down someone I think is getting screwed over. That is true. I don’t have a beef with this young couple. I’ve only ever heard good things about them. I possibly could separate them from Mr. Asshat. I do believe this is a recent suggestion by AP. He’s a serial cheater to his current wife, has been for many, many years. I think they are simply married on paper. He’s a very selfish man (I say this while biting my finger as he’s no man), who cares of no one else but himself. Knowing who he is, I’m on board with the whole "throw me some work as an apology for the screwing of a lifetime" analogy. Problem is, with each passing day, I become less of a nice guy.

You've shown remarkable restraint. He may be trying to make amends, but it could be he's doing this to try to assert his dominance a bit. i.e., this guy is still doing my bidding even after what I did to him. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously.
As you said, you should address it, if only to brush him off the plate. I think something along the lines of "I wish you the best, but I don't take referrals from XXX." You don't have to explain a thing. It would at least send him the message that you're not engaging with him, even indirectly.
Also, how would your WW react? Does she know he's doing this?

1994,

I told my wife that afternoon. She really didn't have much to say about it. When bedtime came about, she just hugged me and said "I'm sorry". That's it.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 8:20 AM, Thursday, April 11th]

Don’t know if this is infidelity recovery advice (where I’m simply using my experience) or business advice (where I’m using my experience AND my Masters...)
Thinking of closing but couldn’t for accounting reasons...
And:
I’m the nice guy who doesn’t charge an arm and a leg (in various versions a few times in the thread...)

Think there is a connection between those two? Think your accounting issues (in about 10 out of 10 cases that’s a nice way to say "broke") might be connected to you not charging enough?
Think ALL the competition is immoral and therefore overcharges, or is it possible the competition don’t have "accounting issues"?

I’m going to suggest you really look at your costs and your pricing. You can still be the fairest and best excavator who is called because his quotes are generally 3-5% lower than the competitors, but the MAIN deal is that he comes when he says he will come, does the work he says he will do, in the timeframe he says it will take, and leaves everything nice and tidied up.
Charge an arm, if that's what is needed. Leave them the leg.

Might lower turnover, but IMHO it’s better to sit at home watching reruns of Friends while losing money, rather than be wearing out equipment and getting a sweat while losing money. Turnover isn't the issue - it's what's left behind after time and cost that matters.

Ah! On the infidelity aspect?
If you can – for the RIGHT price – I would take the job. Separate the AP from this couple.
For the fun of it... just imagine all the time you are digging his grave.

Bigger, I worked my way into the business, 3rd generation, and in prior years, my parents and previous accountant weren't doing a very good job of handling the depreciation schedule. My accountant told me I had well over $500k in depreciated assets that would have to be recaptured if I closed down the business and I couldn't bring myself to just write a check to the IRS. I figured in 3 years I could get schedule cleaned up (which I have). No, not broke, just don't like paying uncle Sam any more than I have to. Working too cheap, nope, I'm in a niche where my experience (not so much excavating, but water and sewer plant repairs) have made me a rare guy who can figure out how to fix most anything. I don't advertise, my phone rings off the hook and I have more work than I can handle. My jobs have become rather profitable which has finally given me the ability to take time off for personal fun (lots of years to earn that ability). I make good profit while constantly being cheaper than everyone else. Mostly because I'm efficient and plan for contingencies which always happen. I have put myself in a position to make any choice to whatever path I'd like to take moving forward in life and know I will be fine. It's just that the choice I'm currently pursuing will require great work and strength. If in a bit more time things don't change for the better than I will switch tracks and move on down the road. Oh, and like one of my pipe sales reps told me the other day, because of my work schedule and need by municipalities, I can be very picky..........and I am.

If they know it is your company, I cannot believe it is not done on purpose, just to remind you they exist. Painful.

You respond professionally saying you are too busy. Bug it sucks! So sorry they have to open the wound more.

have contacted a couple contractors that I would trust to do a good job and give a fair price. While l've heard very nice words about you and Sarah, I unfortunately can't do your work. Mark and I are no longer friends as he has wronged me in a very serious way, details of which I cannot pass along.
Needless to say it has been quite traumatic for me the last couple years and your recent phone call to me caused quite a stressful relapse in my recovery.
This is nothing personal against you or Sarah, I wish I could help you, I truly do. I'll send you contact links to the two others who I think would you a fine job.
Again, I'm sorry.
If you could pass along a message to Mark I would appreciate it. Please tell him, as a courtesy to me, to no longer recommend me to anyone for future work. Thank you

.

This is the response I was thinking about sending. Is it still too much info or does it look about right?

That’s good to hear about the business. You wouldn’t believe the number of small business owners (and even mid-size) I have dealt with that don’t have a clue about whether they are making a profit from their work or not. Most think it’s fine as long as there is enough turnover, without ever considering what remains in your pocket after all costs.

Your message is fine. My only question is if you want to involve them in this or not, and the level of detail you want to pass on.

I unfortunately can't do your work. I'll send you contact links to two others who I think would do a fine job.

Since you don't have a personal relationship with these people, I wouldn't send anything more than that.

Unless you want to throw Mark under the karma bus, which I get...

I might change the message to just say that I’m no longer friends with his FIL and don’t feel comfortable working for his family but I’m going to keep the part in there to ask him to not send work my way anymore. The part needs to stay. A. It will let the you couple know that I’m no longer an option and B. It will let asshat know to quit trying to send me work.

I might change the message to just say that I’m no longer friends with his FIL and don’t feel comfortable working for his family but I’m going to keep the part in there to ask him to not send work my way anymore. The part needs to stay. A. It will let the you couple know that I’m no longer an option and B. It will let asshat know to quit trying to send me work.

I like the idea of short & sweet.

"FIL and I are no longer friends and I prefer to not do business with his associates. You may want to contact [these people] for quotes on your work. If you would ask FIL to stop referring work to me, I would appreciate that kindness. Thank you"

[This message edited by SadieMae at 3:26 PM, Friday, April 12th]

Loose the "kindness" though.