SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all.

This is my first post here.

I found out about my partner's long affair 7 months ago. We had been together for 5 years at that stage.

I had been so happy with the relationship on all sorts of fronts.

We are both divorced. She divorced as a result of the discovery of an affair she had back then (due to an abusive husband). I divorced due to my ex wife having an affair.

She (partner, not ex wife), unknown to me, continued this affair throughout our 5 year relationship.

I was obviously utterly devastated at this - not just because it was the second time to happen to me, but it had seemed so perfect, our relationship, and she knew how much pain I suffered with the discovery of the affair in my previous marriage.

She is exceptionally clever and, even though I was somewhat on heightened alert due to my previous experience, I didn't know or suspect a thing until right at the end.

A few months later we randomly got back in touch and she couldn't have appeared to be more contrite (I use this word carefully and deliberately). She very much wanted to get back together again, and to be honest I was missing the good times and exceptional camaraderie we had prior to the discovery. I agreed eventually, but cautiously. Obviously trust was utterly destroyed but In my mind I thought I'd give it a year and if the trust hadn't returned by then I'd throw in the towel.

Thing is, I'm no spring chicken and I fear I may be wasting precious time hanging around waiting for this - as I said she's very clever and savvy and I've no idea whether she really is this 'reformed character' she said she was. She could be still having this affair (we live in separate houses) for all know. She said 'all the right things' in the previous 5 years as to the affair that ended her marriage having ended and had me utterly convinced. She is saying the same 'right things' now.

Perhaps I should quit but I'm so hesitant as we just get on so damn well. It'd be close to perfect if it wasn't for this giant festering behemoth of the affair.

Am I mad to continue with this? I must admit to sometimes feeling a schmuck and a weakling for getting back together.

Pak21,

First and foremost, you are not a schmuck or weakling for getting back together. You're very loving and kind and hopeful that trust is real and she will learn from her poor decisions. It sounds like she has insecurity issues since she has first-hand experience with the pain and trauma caused by betrayal, yet she has chosen this path in her next relationship. Has she agreed to MC and IC? IC would be extremely beneficial as it will help her determine and understand the underlying issues so she is able to face them head on and then learn to make better choices.

Only you can decide if you want to stay and try to make it work or leave, but she has to do a lot of work to make this better and not fall back into her old ways. Hopefully she is willing and able to do so.

She divorced as a result of the discovery of an affair she had back then (due to an abusive husband).

I’m sorry you had to find us, glad to meet you. First things first, this statement is highly problematic. Nobody forced her to have an affair in her first marriage. If she was being abused, she should have left. The cheating is on her. This is important because if you are saying that, then that is clearly coming from her, which means she has never taken any responsibility for her actions then and never figured out her "why’s" for being unfaithful. Which of course led her to betray you from the very beginning.
I recommend asking her to take account of her actions all the way back to when this affair first started. If she balks at that, run away.

She divorced as a result of the discovery of an affair she had back then (due to an abusive husband)

Not saying this is not true, but it becomes more suspect that the cheating may not have been as a result of an abusive husband, but rather she is just a serial cheater. What is the reason she is giving you now that she cheated on you?

Just be alert that like her EX (again not saying it isn’t true) she may paint you with a similar brush and make you the bad guy.

With her history, and your concerns of wasting time, you can do better.

There are countless stories of "abuse" so I cheated. Some are probably true, I doubt a lot are. Anyway, she had many other decisions, she chose to cheat. Also, many here, myself included consider cheating abuse. So, she abused her abuser, then abused you as well and this is especially cruel because she knew about your previous experience with cheating as well.

Make any choice you want, but I would highly caution you. You never had a genuine relationship with her, it’s all smoke and mirrors. People can change sure. I wouldn’t take that bet with a history like hers.

My reco is to look very closely at and ask a lot of questions about what she has done to change from betrayer to good partner. She's cheated on 2 men with the same ap. Why isn't she with her ap?

I fear her ap dumped her for ow, and the next time he calls her, she'll run to him. I have no idea how realistic that fear is, though....

Welcome to SI and sorry for the pain you're going through. Infidelity sucks. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that are good reads for new members. The Healing Library is a link at the top of the page. It has other great resources and includes the list of acronyms we use. I would recommend you read the post about recovering before you try to reconcile.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they deal with infidelity. There is no excuse to cheat. That is a set of conscious decisions to betray your partner. I'll agree that it sounds like she didn't do any work to become a safe partner.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs because you don't want another little reminder from her A (affair). If you're having issues with anxiety, depression or sleep, ask your doctor for some meds. You don't have to be on them forever, but they can help through the early days.

She is saying the same 'right things' now.

Don't listen to her words. She's already proven that she will repeatedly lie to you for years. She is probably lying to keep you around because she doesn't want to change her lifestyle.

I've no idea whether she really is this 'reformed character' she said she was

You know she isn't reformed because this happened

continued this affair throughout our 5 year relationship.

If she were reformed, she wouldn't have continued the A.

Doing the work to change into a safe partner takes a lot of work and many waywards don't have it in them to do the work. There are some that do, so it isn't a total impossibility. It just doesn't happen very often.

The choice is yours, though. You'll get lots of advice. One of our sayings is take what you need and leave the rest. Take the advice that works for you and ignore the rest.

She started the affair before she was "with" you. You're kind of the other man.

Thank you all so much for the replies - there is much food for thought here.

If she were reformed, she wouldn't have continued the A.

This was after we split that, when we got back in touch, she said she was reformed but that doesn't detract from your spot-on observations.

She started the affair before she was "with" you. You're kind of the other man.

Yes, in a way - the AP knew about me, but I didn't know about him. He was married and wouldn't leave his wife and kids so consequently she was with me as well as him and, hmm, he was very restrained not to tell me I guess

The thing is, is she telling the truth, and can I live with what has happened.

This was after we split that, when we got back in touch, she said she was reformed

Ask her what her process of reformation was. If she went to IC, read a ton, maybe a 12 step program, and can clearly tell you what her path was from serial cheater to safe partner (and you believe it), maybe give her a listen. And if she says she feels bad about what she did and she promises she’ll never do it again, then run.

Nope would never try again with someone who has a history of cheating multiple times. You are the other man in this relationship.
She hasn't done the work. Unless she has been in intense therapy for a while (like a year or longer) and figured out her why's.

Do not allow fear of the unknown keep you from getting the happiness you deserve. Maybe be content to be alone for a while and see what happens while you heal your trauma.

Yes you would be mad to get involved with her again. She cheated your entire relationship, the whole thing was a lie.

I don’t know why you would want this mess anymore personally. It would be too much for me.

Yes, in a way - the AP knew about me, but I didn't know about him. He was married and wouldn't leave his wife

I don’t think you were the OM (or AP). She was already cheating again. Her AP was not having a legitimate relationship with her. The OM of an AP? That math doesn’t math for me.

Question: what would you have done if the moment she expressed interest in you, you found out she was currently cheating with a married man? Because at that moment she was completely aware of that fact.

[This message edited by Tobster1911 at 8:04 PM, Monday, April 22nd]

If we assume she was abused and cheated as a form of escape, then what is her excuse with you? What is she "escaping" from?
It seems she never dug in to her Whys from the first time she was a WS — she claimed she was a victim, not the instigator. But what this time?

She is not safe until she changes and understand why she did what she did TWICE. And for the duration of your whole relationship -even during those heady early days.

She needs to be more than contrite. She needs to be transparent, 100 honest, and really really dig into her issues. As they say, nothing changes until something changes. Words are cheap and are not change. She needs to do more than that.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Please read in the healing library and the posts in Just Found Out with the bullseyes.
Keep posting. We’re here and we understand.

Yes, in a way - the AP knew about me, but I didn't know about him. He was married and wouldn't leave his wife and kids so consequently she was with me as well as him and, hmm, he was very restrained not to tell me I guess

The thing is, is she telling the truth, and can I live with what has happened.

From what you describe she was using you as a beard. To help disguise her affair with AP more than being a full partner to you. You just filled in for him where he couldn't. I wouldn't invest anymore with her. Your ex was willing to accept scraps from AP. To be on the fringe of his life. To put your more complete relationship at risk for those scraps. What do you think happens if AP's wife gets hit by a bus tomorrow? Or once his kids are out on their own? Do yourself a favor and walk away. You deserve more than to be a placeholder until AP becomes available.

Yes, you are mad to do this!

Yes, in a way - the AP knew about me, but I didn't know about him. He was married and wouldn't leave his wife and kids so consequently she was with me as well as him and, hmm, he was very restrained not to tell me I guess

Think about this. It takes ZERO restraint for him not to tell you! He has nothing to gain and everything to lose. He has already told your "partner" (IMO, she never truly was) he wasn’t leaving his wife and kids. He wanted things EXACTLY as they were. She had proved over many years she was content being his side piece. If she had to trade her husband in for a new dupe (you), he isn’t going to mess up things to let you know. He tells you and he could lose his side piece and you could tell HIS wife and he loses his marriage too! Or he loses his marriage and his side piece wants to marry him (which he probably doesn’t want either). That guy had things just how he wants them.

As others have pointed out, "I was abused so I cheated" is just one of many reasons (excuses) cheaters use. She could have left. She ended up losing the marriage anyway. And the affair survived the marriage by many years.

I was also thinking you are kind of the “other man” too. Or a “beard”. Or the guy to “play relationship with” because the AP won’t. Whatever label you want (or don’t) to put on it, you were “Plan B” or “second fiddle”. You thought it was a great relationship. She probably did too. Cheaters love “cake” and you were there to keep her full when the AP couldn’t (or wouldn’t). For her, it sounds like the song title “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”.

If you DO decide you want to keep it going, ask for a full timeline of the affair, inclusive of how things ended (if they truly have) followed by a polygraph.

Good luck.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 9:39 PM, Monday, April 22nd]

Not such a great track record here.

I think sometimes there is a lot of perceived happiness with a ws because so many of us are people pleasing, conflict avoiders.

Reality is your lady likely hasn’t learned any lessons. I would ask did she go to therapy, what books has she read, what has she changed, and likely based on those answers - run very fast in the other direction.

The concept that you "got on so well" while you were being systematically lied to and used for the entire relationship is an oxymoron.

Any person this diablolical is not for having a relationship with. She is for lying down and avoiding at all costs. Think of yourself as a hunted animal here. You should not allow her within five miles of you.

This here was the best answer yet ^^^^^

Thank you all so much.

I have to admit I'm at a loss for words as I'm feeing like I'm going through a heavy grieving process. I still can't seem to get her out of my heart even though my mind says to run a mile.