SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my 4th time finding out. Some of you may remember are from before. We were going to divorce and then...we didnt. I couldnt tell you why. It just never happened and we fell back into old habits. Well the last 6m-1yr ive noticed red flags. Even brought it up to him. And of course he said I was crazy, that we will never be able to move on in our marriage if I dont trust him. Well Friday I saw a text on my lap top. His messages still go to my MacBook. I never really check them but I did that day. The number was AP#1 and it was a very quick comment about work (they work at different locations for the same company). She had a straightforward response. He then messaged her again a few hours later that made no sense to the other tow and then again that night he messaged her at midnight a meme of a nerdy guy say "psst come here". SO I knew something was up. But no texts had shown up so then I assumed there was a burner phone or emails at work. The reason why is because then he sent that 3rd message that mad no sense in regards to the first two, he had picked our son up form school and ran up to work to "check on things" so I assumed communication was happening at work. Well just so happened that today I had the 3yos carseat and needed to bring it tom him before I went in to work. He was at a "meeting" (which I saw them refer to a "date" later so im not Sure if there really was a meeting) so I went into his office and check his emails. Eventually I found a link in his deleted emails folder that let you restore old deleted emails. There they all were. I was shaking and sick. And then husband calls me and realizes im at his desk and gets weird. Tries to joke about me "snooping" but I just said I was looking at houses and showed him the screen for Zillow. We hang up and he calls back almost immediately and finds ways to keep me on the phone for 15 minutes until he pulls up to his work. I took pics of two emails and forwarded one to me. I didnt get or see as much as I would have liked bc there was a lot to clean up after restoring and opening just a few. I actually didnt delete one of them so he may look and realize I saw something. Or not. Regardless it's done. Im not doing this again. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Im hoping OW husband actually gives a shit this time. Last time he was like "oh she jus has guys friends" blah blah blah but this time she had told my husband that she was going to block him after the midnight text so hopefully that means her husband actually will care this time.
I guess this time im here for advice. Now that I know whats going on, and I have my mind made up on how this is over, I need guidance on how to be intentional with my next few steps. I want it to be very planned out so I can do what I need to do and there's no question about whats going on. I want to let her husband know. I want to make sure I dont get looked at as the issue in the marriage this time. Now dont get me wrong, Im not trying to take out a billboard, but I would like how thoughtfully planned my exit is, leaves no doubt that he wronged me.

IIRC, you needed to have a safe word,because he went into rages around the kids.

Don't confront. It will just give him time to get his ducks lined up. Fuck that. See an attorney. File. Ask for exclusive use of the family home, so hopefully he will have to leave. Don't ask him a damn thing. He will only lie. Or try to manipulate. After he's been served contact her husband. Hopefully the emails you sent to your phone will leave little wiggle room,and her husband will know this is an affair.

He's never been remorseful. He's abusive. He treats you,and the kids, terribly.

Try to look at this new found info as a gift. You are free to walk away knowing you did all you could..and that HE is the problem. Let him try to have a legitimate relationship with ow. He will eventually cheat on her as well. He's a serial cheater. It's who he is.

Don't confront. Be pleasant. Polite. 180. Get tested for stds immediately. And don't have sex with him. Invent "female issues."

I'm sorry he did this..again.

Hey Hellfire,
You do remember correctly. Thats my plan. Ive acted normal since I saw him. I have no intentions of outing myself early this time. Thats alway been a mistake ive made in the past. I would like to wait a few weeks to do anything simply because the kids will be done with school in a few weeks. My daughter is doing state testing right now. I need time to get organized. I have no money to really pay for a divorce though so im not sure where to start. I tried going though the pro bono divorce people here but they denied me, understandably, bc hes not physically abusive and Florida isn't an at fault state so the reason "why" for the divorce doesnt seem to matter. One of the red flags I saw in him that makes it difficult is that he checks my location ALL THE TIME now and im never anywhere but home, work, or dropping kids off and picking them up. So going somewhere will be difficult. I maybe need to post in the divorce forum but I wasnt sure if that was for planning divorce or just feelings about it.

Turn your location off when you're seeing an attorney, or making your plans. Act surprised when he mentions it,then Turn it back on. Turn off as needed. Tell him it must be some kind of glitch.

He's tracking you so he knows where you are,and how long he has before you're back home,or if you're coming to his office. He is tracking you,so he doesn't get caught.

Oh im aware. a week or so ago he was coming home from work and stopped to get his car washed. It took him an hour to get home and his location was off. He said the same thing. Must have been a glitch and Im acting crazy. We have a family friend that does family law that I may be able to get in touch with over the phone without having to go in. I'll reach out to them. Im so mad at myself for being here again. I should have left the first time. 2018 seems so long ago now but we've literally come full circle. Same girl. Same shit.

As far as seeing an attorney you can ask your work about an EAP program to get into see someone for an attorney.
Also I would leave my phone at work when I see the attorney so he doesn't alert that your location is off.
See your Dr. Get STD testing and let them know you are fearful. They are state mandated reporters fir potential abuse, regardless of type. This gets a record going that he needs to be away from you due to his abusive nature.
Use female troubles as the excuse for not having sex and going to the dr.

Does he have a phone with two sims and has he accidentally sent the texts from the ‘wrong’ sim?

Not that it matters as you are divorcing him.

Hide all your special or precious items at a friends so he can’t damage them. Leave your phone at home when you visit the lawyer?

All the best. I hope you find happiness and peace.

Leaving my phone is an option but it would definitely look very suspicious to him. I dont think he can switch a SIM on an iPhone and hes really not that tech savvy (he left his computer unlocked for goodness sake) so even if it were a thing I dont think he could. From the looks of it, they talk and coordinate at work. He wasnt at work that day and had too much to drink that night and just messed up. The texts were all deleted from his phone but stayed on my MacBook.

If you need to see an attorney in person, can you park somewhere that won't arouse suspicion and then leave your phone in the car while you see the attorney??

Possibly. It would just depend on where the attorney is. I never go anywhere or do anything so being somewhere different always triggers him. And he almost always facetime me now.

The way he tracks you and expects to be able to FaceTime at will is very controlling.

Are you safe if you see an attorney? Are you safe if you file?

Do you need to make a plan to just get away safely and then worry about filing?

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 10:50 PM, Tuesday, May 7th]

So sorry OP. You’ve had good advice already. Make yourself a secret exit plan and then execute it.

Well my plan went out the window. I texted my best friend to let her know and WH saw them. They synced to my sons iPad (he cant read so its all good there lol) which is weird bc I definitely had that turned off when I set it up bc I didnt wan try texts etc going to his iPad. Regardless, he knows. I feel relieved at least. I didnt try and scream and fight and yell. I had nothing else to say that hasn't been said in 5 years of the first instance. I wanted him out tonight but he said hes staying until the weekend so thats going to be a fun mothers day. I really want to let OW husband know but hes a corrections officer and doesnt have Facebook. Part of me just wants to put a post on Facebook to tell people to let him know but I cant bc I use it for my travel agent stuff and its just not in my nature to air my dirty laundry that way.

He turned the sync back on to spy on you. High alert, sister. Yes, he has been tracking to cover his own ass, but he’s also been surveilling you in some concerning ways.

Can you stay away from the house as much as possible or even better, invite someone to stay with you for a few days? He will be safer with witnesses.

Sending you strength.

My mom is here and I’ll be working and coaching volleyball every night this week so staying away won’t be hard. The hard part will be figuring out the logistics of everything now with kids. He likes to always say o can’t do anything without him, which in a marriage is semi accurate. We rely on our spouses to do things we can’t. And now I won’t have that. I think I’ll hav to love to part time at work but I have a remote job I should be starting any day now so that should help.

Glad to hear your mom is there. Ignore him. Take care of your kids. Lean on your mom. You’ve got this.

Whatever you do, try not to engage with him. And shut down his ways to surveil you. All of them.

Yes don’t send anymore texts in case he sees them , just call people when he’s not around. Find the OBS and call him or see him in person and present the evidence. Lawyer up and talk your exit plan through with your mom or friends. Good luck OP you can do this.

I an so sorry you are here again. It is devastating and they are so disgraceful that is incredible how false and babyish they can be.

With regards to your GPS position I believe you have two options:
1. Meet your lawyer online. I have just sold a home completely online so I don’t see why you couldn’t do that online. It is 2024 and lots of businesses operate solely online.

2. Leave your phone at home so your position is detectable and play the card "Oh, I thought I had my phone with me. When I realised I didn’t have it, it was too late to go back hone to get it." He may not even know you ever left your home, or if he finds out where you were, is that building only for lawyers? Isn’t there a cafeteria nearby and you can fake you were there? I know it is possible to download a software that hides the real the GPS position btw. It is a dirty game so be prepared to "play by the rules".

He's spying on you. He may even be reading your posts here.

Send a registered letter to OBS job, one that requires his signature. Tell him what you've discovered, and send a copy of the emails. Give your phone number if he has any questions. Since he's a CO, I'd also add you are informing him because you believe it is the right,moral thing to do. You will answer any questions he has,but you will not tolerate being harassed by him, or his wife. And,if that happens, there will be legal action. He won't want that,considering his job.

In the meantime, go to the bank. Take half of the money from all accounts,and open a new account, in your name only.Do this today. Immediately. You can bet he's getting his ducks lined up. Do not speak to him. Don't engage. He's an abusive ass. Nothing good will come from it. Hard 180.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:09 PM, Wednesday, May 8th]

Im having such a hard Tim with this. I thought I was prepared. I knew something was up for a very long time. But seeing him explain it to other people is killing me. "It was a long time coming" "I told her my concerns and she didnt change".....that last one gets me. He told me his concerns about being shut off. I told him it was bc I felt like something was going on. Thats why I didnt change. Bc I couldnt. I know it makes no sense to me bc im not that person. I know it doesnt matter and I'll never understand. I guess Im just having a hard time processing everything bc I thought I was more prepared. I guess I hoped it was nothing. Or at the very least he stopped once I voiced my concerns and told him WHY I couldnt do what he was asking.