SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My greatest issues with infidelity are the injustice of it all and victim-blaming. It's not a crime, so there are no true consequences that can help you heal. And movies and books romanticize infidelity, like Jack and Rose running around the Titanic to escape her big, bad fiance who's just rightfully mad that she's cheating on him with a teenager.

I realize people will initially be shocked, angry, sorry for you, but that dissipates quickly, and then they expect you to move on. Those who haven't experienced meaningful infidelity (i.e., not someone they dated when they were young and had no significant life investment in) don't get it. They sit there and say, no one died, get over it. I feel the heat rise in my face when I see social media comments saying people cheat all the time, who cares?? Or worse, they'll say, "my high school boyfriend cheated on me and I got over it!"

I guess I've just had trouble accepting that people will poo-poo or even blame you for possibly the greatest, most life-altering trauma you will ever experience. It's not just your relationship; it's your entire life. Your family, your children, your house, your livelihood, your lifestyle, your orbit, your self-esteem, your confidence in your ability to judge others, your everything. And there's no good outlet for dealing with it.

I'm glad I chose to R for many reasons, but now looking back, if we had separated immediately, I would have been so vocal and outraged that I know people would have made me feel worse or even petty for my valid feelings and reactions. When BSes speak out, people roll their eyes or--worse--attack. You have to be the perfect victim of infidelity (i.e., demure, silent, strongly carry on) to not be seen as less than.

At least now I've done enough healing that if my H came to me tomorrow and told me he's leaving me for his mistress, I would know how to react to get to support--which is to say: don't be angry or sad. Avoid being human. It's unfortunately the only way.

This epiphany came when I read about how Mary Jo Eustace's son publicly scorned her for being vocal about the infidelity regarding his father and stepmother, Tori Spelling. He blamed her for making him feel guilty for loving his other family and seemingly trying to wreck their dynamic. Initially, I thought, "this poor woman gets cheated on and left for a celebrity when she had young kids, including a 3 week old, the father all but abandons his son to start a new family with Tori, Mary raises her kids essentially solo, and her son still sides with the cheating ex/absent father and awful mistress??"

But that's how it is, because children have a biological need to be loved by their parents, no matter how terrible they may be. The son desperately wanted to be a part of his dad's new family and feel comfortable and stable and experience the two-parent/multi-sibling lifestyle. So, sadly, Mary should have just swallowed her feelings in order to not look like a bitter, scorned woman and not get rejected by her own son in favor of the cheater.

People would never treat someone this way if their H were killed or if some other life-altering accident befell them. I think it's because they assume they're too amazing or too good at judging their partner's character to get cheated on, and it would never happen to them. But everyone knows a loved one could die or other terrible things could happen to them, so it's a relatable fear they have sympathy for.

I guess this is a rant but also a celebration of finally coming to terms with the reality that I can't complain about infidelity or explain its layers of trauma to anyone other than a therapist or internet strangers on this forum, because they will just make me feel worse for it. And I guess if you're new to infidelity and have young kids, this is advice on how to proceed in the best way to avoid your children one day hating you for your WS's actions.

[This message edited by Revenger at 11:19 PM, Thursday, May 9th]

You've been heard.

I think the idea that fish are the last ones to be aware of water applies in my case. My father was a serial philanderer, and this was just the way it was in my family. I looked at other families and unconsciously put up emotional walls when I went with friends to their two-parent households devoid of weekend swaps and two half-assed holidays in two different homes and desperately hoping that neither parent starts grilling me about the other. I just got used to the pity in the eyes of my friends' families when they knew about my own dynamic.

Step parents and girlfriends and assiduously avoiding the "elephant in the room" when some "aunt" just wanted to get to know me. I literally didn't know any different.

Later, when my fiancée cheated on me, my only instinct was to cheat right back because that's what you do, right? We were even then...and now we could move on, but that failed spectacularly. I ultimately married a good woman that I still struggle to trust fully...for no reason...30+ years into our marriage.

Now, well into my middle age, am I just realizing how wet I am (to stretch the analogy).

Infidelity is cruel and devastating to everyone it touches, and no one can really appreciate it until it happens to them.

You've been heard.

[This message edited by 1994 at 2:10 AM, Friday, May 10th]

Revenger, I hear you.

My counsellor the other day suggest WH and I try MC, to "work on your issues" - she actually said "well because when someone does this in a marriage, it is never for no reason, it takes two". This woman is also a MC!

The unmet needs theory yet again. Even after explaining how even my WH has never once blamed me, he feels I could not have met his needs more, but that unfortunately he had issues with himself and he never truly appreciated anything he had (even his career it seems), she still didn't seem to comprehend that the A was a him problem.

Even after explaining how if anyone had unmet needs it was me - years of looking up to him on his pedestal, feeling lonely, trying to tell him I felt our emotional connection was lacking, feeling like I loved him that much more then he loved me. Nope, nothing. She didn't get it.

EVEN when I laid out all the options he had, rather then cheat. Talking, marriage counselling, trial separation, even divorce. That if his core value was to have integrity and morals, that I alone did not have the power to make him set aside his own values and indulge in hurting his children, his career (oh and me of course!)...and yet she STILL did not understand.

Luckily she is not my counsellor anymore.

Even my father in law text me soon after DDay - "marriage is hard" he said. Well yeah, when your husband is off out screwing and whispering sweet nothings to some 20-year-old girl, then yeah, it kind of complicates things.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and yet I feel like I can't "keep going on about it". The world makes no sense to me anymore 😔

Oh, and other people who think they are just too special, or know their spouse so much more, that they KNOW they would never cheat on them - yep. With bells 🔔 on.

My WH hurt his own children. His darling daughters, who he absolutely doted on. He left them for a girl he had known for a few weeks. He listened to his daughter sob and say how she wishes she was dead, when he said he was leaving (completely out of the blue). An hour or two later I sat opposite him whilst he was grinning like a school boy, texting his new love.

This is behaviour I never could have imagined from anyone, apart from the lowest dregs of society. Let alone the person who seemingly would go to the ends of the earth for his girls.

Revenger, the only bonus is that our eyes are wide open now.

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 8:04 PM, Thursday, May 9th]

You might need better friends. Mine were very supportive of my through my tribulations with infidelity. Lent an ear, effort, time to help.

EDIT: Sorry, I'm not trying to be flippant or brag. I am trying to be a little bit critical about the situation you have found yourself in. Many people in real life do have sympathy and empathy in appropriate proportion to the devastation of infidelity.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:09 PM, Thursday, May 9th]

I have to admit to being clueless until it happened at our house. Had I known, I don’t think I would have done it.

I knew it was wrong. But I didn’t know about the trauma that was about to descend really on both of us. My husband is the victim, not me, but I still traumatized myself in the process. Different trauma when you chose the situation, but definitely still the lowest time in my life.

Making anyone feel bad about feeling hurt is a cruel thing to do and someone like that should be reconsidered regarding worthiness as a friend. We don't have to understand someone's pain to acknowledge it and show compassion, so there's really no excuse for those who dismiss the pain of infidelity.

I cut out most of my friends that I felt I could lean on when this happened, because the replies ranged from "I don't want to be involved in this" to "well what was your role in her cheating" and I realized these were not people on whom I could lean for any kind of support. Haven't really made any new friends, or new friends I felt I could trust with my hurts. I think a lot of that is just being an aging guy. We don't really make new friends much anyway.

Hope you feel better soon. Sorry you are hurting. You're not alone here.

It’s a class 4 misdemeanor in the state of Virginia …. And grounds for divorce

I have not wavered from the idea that infidelity is a ‘good enough’ reason for D. I took a lot of comfort from realising that (in some countries at least) it is a valid ground for D, and (although I’m not particularly religious) major world religions that allow D have infidelity as a valid ground too.

Now, that’s not to say there is not a lot of ridiculousness out there. Members of my own family urged me to ‘suck it up’ for the sake of the children. (Ironically, one of my reasons for going ahead with D was to show my children that it was not acceptable.) We see celebrities and politicians and royals parade their infidelities in front of the world, and we as watchers are urged to put their behaviour aside as ‘not relevant’ to eg the job at hand. Which has always struck me as odd when integrity is (should be) such a core value in so many things. Friends react to the pain of the BS with fear, telling themselves that this could never happen to them.

I have to say that the very close friends that I called after we separated to inform of the impending D and why, were largely supportive, I will never forgot one very close mutual friend admitting that he didn’t think he would be able to cope with such a betrayal. It doesn’t mean that these mutual friends stop seeing my XWH (although a few certainly have and I appreciate the validation) - different people react in different ways and that is more about them and their life circumstances than about whether infidelity is acceptable. It probably does mean that they have a little question mark in their minds about XWH - ‘a nice guy, but….’

I do think the children are a special case. Everyone wants to love their parents. Every child wants to be ‘normal’ and have a ‘normal’ family. At the end of the day, they are traumatised too. Maybe the only way they can cope (at least without significant therapy) is to compartmentalise - good parent, bad partner. Personally I doubt that someone is a being a good parent while in infidelity, but I get it as a coping mechanism.

I’m not scared to call out victim-blaming when I see it now. Just like society has realised that what a woman wears is not ‘asking for’ sexual harassment, maybe over time we will all become more vocal against the idea that it is somehow the fault of the BS that a spouse cheats. Let’s hope anyway.

1994 and StillGoing, thank you for the acknowledgment and validation!

Whiskey, we seem to have had identical experiences with our first MCs, who apparently have no clue what infidelity is. Mine admonished me more than she did my WH. It didn't last long! I'm sure your H was lapping up the professional validation, as mine did. But we made the mistake of starting right after DDay, when he was still lying about everything. We didn't try MC again until a few years later when we were in a much better place and my H had been in therapy for a long time. Now it's actually productive. But yeah... people are terribly callous! (My in-laws also flat out said it was my fault. We're estranged now.)

This Is Fine, I wasn't referring to my friends or personal experiences. Other than my pure evil in-laws, who DID say these things to me, the friends I told were mostly supportive (except for one telling me to jump to D immediately. But she eventually came around after seeing my H's growth and is his biggest cheerleader). Very few know since we R'd, and it's certainly not public knowledge.

What I was talking about was people's attitude in general. If I see anyone be vocal about the pain and trauma of infidelity in real life or online, or if there's a celebrity or reality star (read: Scandoval) on the betrayed end who speaks about their pain, a backlash is certain to follow. It's extremely disheartening, and frankly, disturbing.

Hikingout, yup... you know it's bad but you have no idea how bad until you walk through the fire.

Satya, I wish it were a felony! But I do appreciate at least one body of government supporting the betrayed.

Perdita, I admit that infidelity was not a dealbreaker for me in terms of being friends with someone before DDay. I would voice my disapproval, but I still stayed friends with them, so I must admit I get it. Now it's a dealbreaker.

[This message edited by Revenger at 4:17 AM, Friday, May 10th]

You have been heard. I have to admit that I knew cheating would be hard - and saw a couple casual friends go through it - but I had NO IDEA how devastating and traumatizing it is. I think it is one that only those who have walked a mile in these shoes understand fully. My own family was amazingly supportive yet all thought I should have gotten over it sooner. My friends were much more supportive of the time it took to heal. It embarrasses me that I didn’t offer better support to the people I knew who went through it.

And yes, it is portrayed as no big deal in entertainment. Very annoying and I don’t watch much TV or movies because of it. When it happens to a celebrity, I can’t imagine going through all this in the public eye.

Cheating is just the worst.

Bearly Breathing, it's the worst! I hear my own parents (who don't know about my H's past) snicker over learning about other people's infidelity and have to stifle every urge to not overreact. I've gotten close to overreacting, and my mom even said to me, "oh, you have nothing to worry about, your H loves you so much!"

It's so easy to be dismissive when you think you're untouchable.

(PS this is not to bash my parents, who I feel are generally kind and compassionate people. But if you don't get it... you don't get it.)

No one gets it unless they go through it. I’ve had every insult added to my injury. Apparently women don’t cheat unless something is wrong with the relationship. It was news to me something was wrong. And it doesn’t quite add up as she cheated with a married man so what about his wife? I’ve also been smeared by implication that I was abusive, again more BS.

I hope that one day society recognises that infidelity is abuse and is punished as such. It might not seem likely now but look how coercive control laws have come into focus.

Revenge, why aren’t you able to accept reality?

That’s not a "What’s wrong with you" question. It’s the deepest possible question. The reality is, people who haven’t been there just don’t know. They don’t. As surely as the sun rises in the east.

The problem is, you don’t want to accept the sun rises in the east.

Ponder that…

I understand where you are coming from. I truly do.

House of Plane, that was the opposite of what my post was about. It was even the opposite of what the title was about. Reading comprehension.

It was even the opposite of what the title was about.

I didn't get a lot of acceptance in your post, frankly. The tone. Your title...the idea that no one cares about infidelity...really? No one? It felt like you wanted to write that you've accepted that everyone sucks.

I get it, I've BTDT. I saw similar with my wife's miscarriages and people's response to it, and also a cancer diagnosis. I've seen it with the death of loved ones. They don't know what to say or how to react, so they do it poorly. They fail at it. I guess nobody cares about cancer?

It's the crooked timber of humanity out there.

But I didn’t know about the trauma that was about to descend really on both of us.

Hikingout I believe you. I believe a cheater does not even think of the emotional consequences on the BS. I strongly believe cheating is such a self-centred thing that imagining another person’s pain is just not a thing. Everything that counts is yourselves and whatever you can greedily get, be it complicity, sex, high emotions. It just seems with betrayal all people see is their own selfish bubble world.

Revenger,
You are not alone . My Dday was almost 3 years ago although the pain still feels fresh .

Only two people know about the A. One is my therapist and the other is a mutual friend .
My WH tries to be remorseful but his face looks blank lately, whenever I mentioned about the A or repeat a question … He wants to reconcile without wanting to wait for my healing . He never says it, but his attitude or body language is saying … can’t we just move on ?
Our mutual friend started to push me to reconcile and tells me from the spiritual side that it doesn’t matter whether my husband was the unfaithful and I was the betrayed , we need to reconcile to heal. I thought I need to heal first before we reconcile ?

The only person that is patient and understanding is my therapist . She suggests that I do the self healing first and not to wait for my WH to support me.

No worries how long you feel the pain and seek comfort or only need to vent instead of advice. This SI is the place. The only place where people never say , get over it !

This forum with so many understanding online strangers , BS or WS, are basically my family . Like you , I totally agree that besides my therapist , here is the only one group that gives me advice , empathy and support . I count my blessings to be able to find this site.

Hikingout I believe you. I believe a cheater does not even think of the emotional consequences on the BS. I strongly believe cheating is such a self-centred thing that imagining another person’s pain is just not a thing. Everything that counts is yourselves and whatever you can greedily get, be it complicity, sex, high emotions. It just seems with betrayal all people see is their own selfish bubble world.

I think so too.

When I found out my husband cheated, a lot of people here said "how can he do this when he knows what this feels like? After experiencing that trauma himself… he knew and must have wanted revenge"

I don’t see it that way at all. He told himself the same thing I told my self. "She doesn’t love me because ____" he didn’t want revenge he sought relief from his pain in a place you will be ever find it, and just like no one understand the experience of infidelity, until you have done it you may not realize what you are about to do to yourself in the process.

He had himself convinced that it wouldn’t hurt me the same. And to a certain extent maybe it didn’t. I was at least not blindsided that he was unhappy. Hard to say, pain is so subjective and this is really not about who hurt who less. It’s just to say that people who cheat will make believe to fit their narratives and not be all that conscious about it.

It was shocking to me when I recently realized that I had de-humanized my WH after his affair years ago. I told myself he couldn't possibly be as hurt as I was or he would not have been unfaithful. I told myself he did not have the capability of the depth of feelings that I had. Dehumanizing. It was a coping mechanism to allow myself to act in my own best interest and not consider my WS. I told myself if I had an affair, it would not hurt my WS nearly as much. Something about hikingout's posts made me see that. In a way, I behaved as my WH did. It was protectionism. I did not feel myself capable of that. I thought myself better than that.

Other people react with coping mechanisms to infidelity that work for them if they are not directly impacted. Reactions that are distancing like, my spouse could never. Or victim-blaming like, well I don't do x, so my spouse would have an affair. Or this person should have...

I do agree with HouseOfPlane. It's accepting that is at heart, and accepting another point of view with empathy too. HouseOfPlane, I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriages. Yet I recall trying to get pregnant in my late 30s, and it was taking a while. It was mostly work travel. Yet, close friends of my husband's when they found out I was pregnant telling him not to get hopeful for several months. I found that cruel and insensitive. I wasn't fully aware of all of their struggles with miscarriages though. We don't always know what others are dealing with.