SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That’s it. We did not make it.

So I guess I’m part of the statistic now.

I am 31M, Ex wayward fiancé (6,5 year relationship) 29W.

Allow me to try and put this all together.

She had an affair with her married co-worker (2nd wife knows). Once I came behind it all she ended the relationship.

Reason for her was me neglecting her sexual needs, not working on myself, isolating myself.

My reason for this was that I was studying for my university approx. 10 hours every day, being tired afterwards and not having the energy for date nights or activities.

The truth lies in between probably. I probably neglected her, yes. She probably took the easy way out to cheat instead of working on herself while I’m busy finishing university.

Anyway. Short version.

She came back after 4 months affair. I took her back with no hesitation. She was a bit hot and cold until I put out boundaries. After that she was very engaged and positive. It actually felt like it’s happening in a positive way. We talked about so many things we never spoke about.

Then her sister died unexpectedly.

Starting a new time line from that tragedy, month 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 passed. All I have heard was that "nothings worth living for". I tried to tell her that I feel invisible when she says that. That although it happened, I need to know she’s with me because my trust has been demolished. I tried everything I can, to absorb her pain and help her.

She began to fall into old patterns. Smoking tons of pot we agreed on never doing it again. She became very unappreciative of our relationship. Mind you: she started her affair 2 weeks after my father passed away. I know how it feels to tank death. But even then, unbeknownst she’s head deep with another man, our bond was the only thing worth holding in to. I never made her feel like she’s not enough for me to enjoy life.

Anyway… one thing led to the other. One day my Ex behaved disrespectful towards me. I truly tried to communicate calm & clearly that she's treating me unfair. Then I got louder, because it's always the same: I try to communicate calm, and get ignored. I couldn’t contain it anymore and blew up. Then her mother came and within a minute both of them were on my neck, berating me that I'm not supposed to yell at her daughter. With this family it's always the opposite who did the false. They are incapable of saying "sorry" and are therefor incapable of looking inwards, self-reflecting their behavior.

I wasnt yelling because she was disrespectful. I was yelling because for almost 1.5 years now I know she's cheated on me, I did EVERYTHING to save this relationship, and in return have recieved the bare minimum for all this time. That was why I yelled.

You guys may think what is this guy yappin' about?

The issue is I legit do not know if I'm normal. If I am expecting too much. Her parents did not speak to me about ANYXTHING after I took her back. No "I appreciate you for sticking with her". No "I hope you will make it, if there's anything let us know". No "You must truly love our daughter, we hope you will find a way". Nothing. These people dont talk to nobody, not even each other. They all just hold each other on a pedestal but constantly treat each other in many bad ways.

I'm just wondering, IS THAT NORMAL? I basically grew up with inactive parents, and my father died last year, my mother years before. I can't tell anymore what is "normal" and what is "unrealistic standards".

Now it’s over. She ended it once again and I’m left here feeling absolutely ridiculous. After all the pain inflicted to me I am "incapable of forgiving" after one single out blow of emotions. I admit I called her bad names. Like, seriously rough stuff. Whore, betrayer, snake. All these words fell. In my rage I threw all her clothes out my closet and told her to leave. And thats where I cant tell if I'm normal. Is that normal for somebody who's been cheated on? Or am I too sensitive? Too emotional?

What's devouring me is my own behavior. Why did I blow up that bad... Why did I stonewall her for two weeks afterwards. Why couldn't I just relax, take a deep breath, and roll my eyes at her behavior. Nothing makes sense right now. Am I in the wrong for listening to my boundaries? Are my boundaries

If you have time, I’m open for any answers. I’m not the perfect guy. But I always loved her. This is not to wipe me clean, I’m sure her side of the story is interesting too.

But they can truly never understand the pain they punch us through.

Hi I'm very sorry you had to join us but it isn't so bad here ;) this might be for the best and you can finally get out from under this infidelity and leave it behind. Not all of us are made for R. I know I wasn't.

Honestly I think you have dodged a bullet. It sounds like she just wanted to sweep it all under the rug with no consequences. As for how you acted, all very normal (including the yelling). Something triggered you. It took me years to get my emotions balanced and in control. One trigger would set me off and I would back to badmouthing my xWS. Maybe she didn't put in the work to make you feel safe and it comes out in the ways you describe. I don't blame you when you are with a person who is not remorseful or accountable for their actions one little thing can set you off.

What you're going through sucks, I know. I also had a fiancée cheat on me and then later dump me right after a close relative tragically died. It rocks your whole world.

But you know what? My life with her would have been an absolute dumpster fire, and the woman I married has been the love of my life. I shudder thinking what I would have had to go through had we stayed together.

It's awful that she had to endure the death of her sister, and she will probably grow up some as a result of this awful tragedy. That doesn't mean she'd ever be safe for you. Plus, her parents are awful people. Good riddance.

You don't need to worry about what it typical or normal. You heal at your own pace and take care of yourself, and things will work out.

Grow from this and move on with your life, without her in it. You'll look back on this period in a few years and be thankful it worked out this way. Just don't take any shortcuts between now and then.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 9:57 PM, Monday, May 13th]

I threw all her clothes out my closet and told her to leave. And thats where I cant tell if I'm normal. Is that normal for somebody who's been cheated on?

Infidelity is trauma - betrayal trauma. The anger, yelling, getting her clothes and asking her to leave are usually a response to a trigger and normal. Well, normal in the abnormal situation.

You know, your body can't tell the difference between betrayal trauma and getting chased down & eaten by a tiger. You weren't able to take a deep breath to calm down because your body was telling you that you were about to be eaten by a tiger.

It doesn't sound like she was willing to work on becoming a safe partner. Not all capable of R. My XWH wasn't willing to do the work. Frankly, it's so much better with him and all of his drama llama stuff gone. Life is so much more peaceful now.

I admit I called her bad names. Like, seriously rough stuff. Whore, betrayer, snake. All these words fell. In my rage I threw all her clothes out my closet and told her to leave.

You are not going to like this response, but where were your boundaries? So to give you a simple answer--No, you don't call your WF vulgar names, and throw clothes out in a fit of rage 6+ months after discovery.

But, that was the simple answer. The deeper answer is that your WF is no where near reconciliation material. Her actions speak plain as day. And truthfully, she doesn't look like she is going to be a good candidate. That doesn't mean that you don't get to work on yourself, and be a better you. Be a good partner for someone else in the future. More importantly, do it for yourself.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 12:19 AM, Tuesday, May 14th]

You are not her punching bag. She doesn’t get to sh*t all over you and yoru relationship and then expect you not to react.
You reacted normally for an abnormal situation. You are in pain that she caused and she is not lifting a finger to help you. Instead she is getting her mom to gang up and kick you while you are down.

Look, the yelling and raging is unfortunate but within the range of normal. Infidelity is a trauma that fucks with your head. Your lizard brain has you on high alert because nothing feels safe. So yes, you lashed out verbally. Once. C’mon. That is okay. If you were doing that two years down the road on a continuous basis, then we’d say you are out of line. But from what you have described, totally normal.

And please do not accept any blame for this. You **may** have been focused on school. That happens- we have periods in all relationships where we have to focus on something else for a while. Like grief, illness, school, children, other major changes. You may not have been a lot of fun. So what? She had many options OTHER than cheating —- communicating with you, setting up some date nights, insisting on couples counseling, even separating. She CHOSE to cheat. It had nothing to do with you studying. It had to do with her and the gaping hole in her that she can’t fill.

I know this sucks and hurts terribly. But if she can’t handle crunch time at university or when your dad dies, then she is not going to be a good partner through the usual ups and downs life brings. Eventually you will see that she has given you a gift.

Finish up school, take some time to heal, and I think you will have a wonderful future ahead.

Give yourself some time to read here and on other sites. You will find there is no "normal". What you are feeling is grief, abandonment and fear. I am staying vague here but someone I know lost their very beloved person and literally lost their mind. A psychiatrist told their family they would always live in a facility for the mentally ill. Not so fast. They are married, have children, a great job and many friends. Grief disguises itself as illness, anger, depression, lethargy, sleepiness, nausea… In other words you are about as "normal" as they come.

Get out of the house. Take a walk. Run. Bike. Join a gym. Play poker. Take up tap dancing. Go to comedy clubs. Laughter really is medicine for the soul.

One of these days you will go through a whole day without one sad thought. It will happen.

I’m going to go with what you don’t want to hear right now but maybe you’ll come back to my post sometime soon.

You are YOUNG and it sounds child free. This is a blessing to find out now and not later when you have a house and two kids and a dog and financial burdens.

I know you don’t want to have to feel this pain and it seems easier to ease your pain by wanting her or making up. It seems a whole lot less crazy than starting again. But this needs understanding that short term pain will be long term gain. Take the time to heal. There are plenty of women in their 30s looking for a loyal man.

Is it normal for a couple to argue?
It is normal to raise your voice when arguing?
Is it normal to have relationship-issues after infidelity?
Do both need to work hard at reconciliation after infidelity and a 4-month break?
Answer to all the above is yes.

So I guess you are normal.

Look – We are all walking OUR path, wearing OUR shoes, but I once walked in a comparable path wearing similar shoes. I ended a 5-6 year relationship to my fiancé due to infidelity.
In retrospect she showed some of the behaviors you mention with your ex-fiancé. I realize now that she drank more than "normal" and have learned she dabbled with uppers and amphetamines. She was semi-controlling, but avoided confrontations (and would sulk if we argued). Her parents were a significant part of our lives – I realized later it was because they KNEW they couldn’t let go of her because she didn’t have the maturity to handle that freedom.
I walked in on her having sex with another man. A man she picked up randomly at a bar a few hours previously. Something I later learned she had done several times previously over our years together.

I loved her.
I had my weeks and months of pain and doubt.

Yet I realized that AT THAT TIME ending the relationship was the only sane and good option I had. This before we bought the house I think her parents were going to finance as our wedding present, before having kids (and me wondering why Bigger jr looked Latino...), before the largest financial cost of separation was losing my 80’s LP collection.

Best decision of my life. Second best being to chase and capture my present wife about 2 years later.

I have the luxury of time. It’s been a very long time since this happened. My ex dropped completely off my radar, and I didn’t hear of her for over 20 years. Last time she was mentioned to me was about 5-6 years ago when I ran into a former joint friend.
My ex cheated because she had her faults. She didn’t address those faults. Be it substance abuse, mental issues or whatever. When we were together she was the coowner of a successful beauty saloon and made over double what I did. The other owner was this joint ex-friend. She told me that about 2 years after we broke up my XF behavior was so erratic she had to buy her out of the saloon. She worked there for a few months before being fired, thereby ending their friendship. She battled with addiction and health issues, twice married in abusive alcoholic marriages and twice divorced, living in subsidized housing with two good-for-nothing teenage sons. I knew some of this because her dad had told me one of them was doing time for petty-crimes.
I won’t be so bold as to claim this destiny is karma or due to her not having me. Nor will I claim to have seen how this would go. But what it indicates to me is that infidelity is not "normal", nor is excessive pot-smoking/drinking. A WS and/or an addict can decide to deal with their issues, but if its not a conscious decision with definite actions... well... it won’t work. My ex neither acknowledged her issues – her blame in the affair or her growing substance reliance – and they progressed to a worse place. Something that might be happening with your ex.

I really want to stress that what happened to her brings me no verification or joy. I would have been totally happy to learn that she met a European millionaire and spent her time between their yacht and their homes in Manhattan and Italy. My happiness is in no way built or based on her unhappiness.

Bigger, thank you so much for that response. Great read. The dust is slowly settling... I know I wasn't in the wrong! I am constantly looking out for her. "Oh I shouldn't have been so rough". "I need to cut my temper".

No.

She fucked a married family man in our bed.

I was never prepared for this, so I can make mistakes and learn. If she cannot handle my rage she should not have cheated or chased me after her actions.