SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by Colorado5280 at 8:03 PM, Saturday, June 8th]

So, I did something I shouldn't have and I looked on her computer

Do not feel guilty for this. It’s not your fault that your wayward wife is not a good enough liar to cover for her sketchy behavior.

Either way, I think I'm going to sign up for counseling.

Try to find a therapist who treats trauma, betrayal trauma if it’s available in your area.

I'm pretty sure my marriage is done

Consult a lawyer or three to get an idea of what divorce would look like for you.

Also start digging for information about her affair partner. If he’s married his wife deserves to know.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. Please read the posts pinned to the top of the forum, and the ones with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is another great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they also have specialization in infidelity. This is trauma and it can affect you for some time. If you're having problems with depression, anxiety, sleeping, please see your doctor for meds. Eat, even if that means you can only sip a protein shake. Stay hydrated and rest when you can.

If they had an opportunity to meet up, they probably have had sex. In that case, please also get tested for STDs/STIs. If they are far away, then it may be less of an issue.

When you do confront your WW (wayward wife), expect her to lie and minimize. It's very rare for a spouse to come clean the first time around. (It happens, just not often.)

Again, sorry you're here.

It's weird because she still brings up stuff like fixing things in the backyard and moving to a bigger house. I don't get it. Maybe she's just stringing me along while she figures out how to leave me.

People live double lives all the time. One person at work, another at home, still another with the old friend. Too common.

If you are going to divorce, then go ahead and start the process. See a lawyer, get papers, be ready to serve her, then do it at the right time. Don’t tell you are going to do it, just do it.

You’ll find if you change your mind that this is also the best path to staying together, oddly enough. Ambiguity is bad, clarity of intent is good.

Sounds like she has a plan you might want to get one too.

Counseling isn't a plan, neither is your head in the sand.

Sorry you are here. Your wife may be planning to exit the marriage but there is a very good chance she is fantasizing with this guy and does not actually want to leave. You won't know until you confront her. It appears to be much more common that affairs are fantasies rather than exit plans based upon years of reading people's experiences here at SI.

That doesn't mean this isn't serious or you should not consider D as an option. But half your life together, kids etc is probably worth also considering if R is possible.

Can you keep this in through your trip? Or will bottling it up ruin the trip anyway?

Honestly confront now. Why in the heck would you wait until August??

Are you going to sit there and smile while she texts the dude at dinner in Vegas?

I don't get how this is not important enough to be priority number 1 over everything else.

This website is a great source of information to help you deal with your situation. There are many here who want to help you get out of infidelity... Yes, your wife is guilty of Infidelity. Whether or not they have had sex yet she is still guilty.

One article on this site is at the top of the Just Found Out forum. It is titled the Tactical Primer:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/235051/tactical-primer/

You will find The Healing Library on this site. There are many great articles there to guide you in your journey out of infidelity. Under the Articles section is a section called Discovery/Confrontation. Articles there will help you in your Confrontation, especially this article.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/getting-the-truth/

Here is another excellent article for those who have just found out they have been betrayed.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

One thing you did not mention is where her ex-boyfriend lives. Is he in fairly close proximity to you guys? If so, they may have already taken this affair to the next level.

Some of the advice you will receive here might seem overly harsh, however, we all want to provide you with as much help as we can. You certainly did not sign up for this... especially at this stage of your life. At your age, 54, you have probably been thinking about and saving for retirement with your wife, etc. Then this happens. It is horrible, but you will get through this and come out strong on the other side... providing you want to do so.

Good luck to you.

I am really sorry for your situation. It takes time and courage to confront your spouse but be prepared for lies.

BEFORE CONFRONTING YOUR WIFE COLLECT AND SAVE THE EVIDENCE. BECAUSE SHE WILL LIE AND AFTER YOU SPEAK TO HER SHE WILL DELETE EVERYTHING AND WILL BE MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE. Don’t tell her you save it but do it because it will be needed to confront her AND/OR in case of divorce.

I am in menopause and for a long time I did not enjoy sex when I had many hemorrhages but after we discussed his betrayal and I had eventually gone into menopause, I can assure you my sex drive came back and it is such a pleasure to enjoy sex without the worry to get pregnant!

You really need to talk to her ASAP. Do mot procastinate.

My WH had years of declarations of love and all kinds of plans to be together and leave me etc. Ultimately the AP and her OBS divorced - yet she and my WS did not end up together. So much of their A was just pure ego-boosting fantasy it's amazing to me - but I think they partially believed it at the time, as based in non-reality as it was.

Make a plan for yourself so that you have one IF you end up separating and/or divorcing NOT because you know what you will do. Honestly, your mind will likely change on some issues going forward. But having a sound plan for yourself that does not include your WS is just a good idea all around..

Welcome to this club nobody wants to be in.

Your story is quite revealing...
I have this theory that infidelity is 99% due to low self-worth. It’s a form of validation.
We all need validation, but most of us get it through "normal" feeds. Like praise at work, a promotion, our kids wanting our help, friends wanting our company, lowering our golf-handicap, landing a prize fish, adding a mile to our run...
Your wife needed validation and found it via the OM.

It’s not healthy validation, it’s not acceptable validation and frankly – it’s not YOUR role to validate her.

This could be good. Could be positive. If this was truly the "love of my life" and all that... why hasn’t she left? Why isn’t he with her? Why hasn’t he filed (assuming he’s married)?
Well... that’s because she’s after the validation and not the relationship per se.

Frankly I encourage you to confront her as soon as possible.
Look – you are going to have to fake it anyways at the LV visit, and I would hate your Greece trip to be tainted with you wondering if she really would prefer being with him, if she’s now sharing how terrible it is to be with you and all that. I’m more of a pull the band aid off in one go sort of guy.

I also encourage you to really think what would be the worst outcome of your situation. Do so and hopefully you realize the absolute worst outcome would NOT be that this ends in divorce. If she’s THAT far gone then maybe D is inevitable, and better pull the band aid now... I venture that the absolute worst outcome would be to have a romantic meal in some Greek coastal town, walk along the beach holding hands and thinking everything is fine, only to discover that once at the hotel she texted him telling him how repulsed she was and was only thinking of him... I venture that SHARING your wife beats losing her.

So... this is what I would do... It’s a plan I have outlined numerous times here and those that follow it tend to get out of infidelity – very often with their spouses. Tell your wife something like:

"Wife. I love you and envisioned growing old with you. However I love you too much to hold back your happiness. I know abut OM and I know how you two profess your love for each other and want to be together. I don’t want to be the one holding you back from your happiness. Plus... I have one basic rule in life: I don’t share my wife. Right now that’s the best you are offering me – that I share you with another man. I don’t do that.

I’m setting you free from all and any marital obligation. You can date, see, be with, visit with... OM as much as you want. You can let our kids know of your happiness. Heck... You can even pay for a change-of-name for the trip to Greece and bring him along. I am certain the kids will be thrilled that you are happy. I will talk to them and give that although this isn’t what I envisioned us, then your happiness is paramount.

I do ask that you show me the respect not to talk about him or with him in my presence, nor have him in our home. This is short-term, because part of the process of not seeing us as "married" is the formal termination of our marriage.

I will contact an attorney and ask for a fair settlement in accordance to law. Neither of us should or will get a short-stick out of this deal. No rush, no need to make this worse than it needs be. We can strive to be civil while this is going through.

I am getting out of infidelity. If what you shared with this man is true you should welcome your new freedom. I’m not happy, but this beats sharing you. The further along I go out of infidelity the more content I am with my decision. If you want me or the marriage there is a very short and small gap for you to clearly and unequivocally let me know. That would require some unavoidable actions such as total accountable NC with OM, a timeline, the complete verifiable truth and a commitment to IC and later on IC. But unless you make your wish for this marriage to have a future very clear I am simply assuming you have chosen OM over me.

And then you go make a sandwich or mow the lawn or whatever. No more relationship talk or divorce talk. If she asks how the D will go: "I am too connected to our marriage to want to take this discussion. I will talk to my attorney and he will handle it in as fair a way as possible. Can you hand me the mustard..."
She starts saying how you ignored her/ refused her affection or whatever: "I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then this is definitely something we should look into with MC, but since you are committed to OM and I don’t share there isn’t any need to go there...."

That’s it. Step aside and gather your strength for the next step.
The above should NEVER be used to make her turn back to the marriage. But I venture that in 8 out of 10 it has precisely THAT result. If it was so unlikely that she really wants the OM then it’s 8/10 that he won’t be as willing to leave his wife.

Bigger is straight on with his above post^^^^^. Everything he says will help you more than you know.

You should print out the speech he advises you use. Read, re-read, and then memorize it. Tell her just like he says. No need to get into a discussion. Like Bigger says, tell her that you refuse to share her with another man. Therefore, because her happiness is important to you, and since she is not happy with you, that you will not stand in her way... that you are setting her free to pursue her happiness in whatever form or fashion she sees fit.

Please read those articles that I posted the links above in my prior post.

Again, good luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

CO5280

I think there is a lot of good advice above. One thing I would encourage you to consider before you confront her. What boundaries do you have that can't be crossed. You sound doubtful that your marriage can continue BUT if you are thinking about reconciliation as a possibility deciding whether a PA is something you could live with needs to come first. If her having a PA verse an EA matters then you need to remain silent and investigate whether a PA is occurring. Once you confront it will be difficult to find out new details. You know she is involved in an EA and that might be enough to end the marriage. But you need to be sure in your own mind. Some people can come back from an EA. Some can come back from a PA too, some not. Think through were you stand, get the information you need then confront based on what you know about yourself and the situation as others have advised.

I used to think this old hs sweetheart trope was rare. Facebook changed that and now there are so many ways to keep the secret romance going it is sickening. The number of BS I have come across in real life and the gazillion of them online tell me that youngsters often imprint on each other and then hit middle age and blindside their unsuspecting spouses.

I think your ducks need to be lined up. Asap.

Economics is the most prevelant reason WW's stay with hubby and screw around. They know where the butter goes on the bread and know that if they have to move out the "Casual F-cker" is more than likey to ditch them. Especially if the AP has a family. We had a couple killed camping out in Victoria last year. They had been having an affair for 15 years. She divorced her BH and AP kept his dirty little secret. Now they are both dead. His wife had no idea, yet her pain is now being played out in the murder case and is very public. AP made statements like"I'm happy as a pig in shit". I bet his wife spits on his grave.

I hope you won’t be a single-post member here...

One of the major hurdles we that try to offer advice face is the balance of offering hope and a solution without offering some magic-pill, no-pain solution.
I think many that post – maybe more so us men – are hoping that there is some magic, simple solution that makes the WW end the affair, want us and we can somehow dictate the return we might reluctantly agree to while shaming the OM. Some romantic- and gloriouslike, desperate marital Banzai charge.
Well... That does’t exist...

Ahead of you are months – and even years – of pain and hard work.
There is no short-cut or easy way out. It’s plain old hard work.

What we can share with you is experience. We can share what we sometimes refer to as the Cheaters Handbook...
There are patterns, behaviors and reactions we have seen repeatedly on this site. When you share, we might spot them. Then we can suggest how best to avoid the pitfalls. Things we suggest – like my insistence you decide to leave infidelity – might at first read as your marriage has no chance. But I truly think that deciding to leave infidelity while offering your spouse to come along too is your best shot. Even if it might lead to her deciding to remain behind.

I encourage you to stay, and to share more.

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[This message edited by Colorado5280 at 8:03 PM, Saturday, June 8th]

That's rough OP

Frankly you wife is so full of crap her teeth are floating. Show her some consequences. Discussing divorce and then going out on the town together is going to get you nowhere but back to square one.

Sorry, but your wife has zero respect for you. She is cake eating. Close the Bakery

It’s good that the two of you are communicating and working on your M. But what is she doing to work on her brokenness and moral blindspot. What is she doing to try and rebuild your trust? Is she in IC? She had an EA at a minimum and told another man she loved him. You deserve a faithful partner who understands that she vowed to be faithful during your M, whether she felt disconnected, ignored, or unloved. No matter her unhappiness with you or the M, that is never an excuse for infidelity. Do not rugsweep her propensity to be unfaithful in your earnest efforts to make a better M. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:08 AM, Friday, June 7th]

I'm actually in a pretty good place personally due to my recent changes with working on my own issues, meditating regularly, etc.

What are doing, specifically? Curious…