SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not saying I will do this, but I think about it a lot. I met WH in college and he’s the only one I’ve been with. I was always ok with that and never cheated when I had opportunities. WH had several partners during the time he was cheating on me and I’m struggling with the injustice of it. I often wonder if having an affair will make it hurt less. I’m 16 months out.

BS’s - if you had a revenge affair did it help lessen your pain? Or did you feel worse because you gave up your integrity?

WS’s - if your BS had a revenge affair, did you feel less guilty about your cheating?

If the infidelity hadn't come to light early on in my baby-making window, I would have gone out of my way to have my own A--except I would tell my WH upfront to ensure I wasn't actually cheating, because I'm no cheater.

I'm intrigued to see if anyone has ever had a positive experience with revenge affairs, because I know the SI party line is that they do not help anyone and just make the situation worse all the way around (which I'm sure is the truth, but I still enjoy hearing other perspectives).

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:07 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

The thought of a one night stand has crossed my mind more times than I like to admit. To just make him feel some of what I feel!!!!

I often threaten to him that if an opportunity arises I may not say no, like I have many times in the past. Can’t lie - I like to see the hurt on his face when I say it. And TBH we have discussed opening up our marriage now but he always says ‘he wouldn’t like that’. Funny how the thought of me fucking someone else is so bad yet seemed fine to him.

If my BW had a RA, I would have dropped her in a hot minute. But that is just me. I am territorial.

I haven’t.

But…. In the office lift last week there were two women I don’t know saying they couldn’t believe a guy in their office was 49 because her didn’t look nearly that old.

As the only other person in the lift I said ‘be nice, I’m 50’. They then said ‘Oh my God, you’re joking!, no way, it must be a guy thing. You look fabulous’. They then said they were 43.

I said ‘well thanks, you’ve made my day’ and went off to get some lunch.

As I was going back to the office, the lift door was closing, and those same two were outside looking in and said ‘there goes our guy’.

Later, at home, I related the anecdote to my wife.

She took it in good humor but I think she has been a bit more attentive.

Not an affair story, but a ‘I guess I’ve still got it’ story. I don’t get hit on much.

I think it’s a terrible idea because it would never hurt the other partner as much as their initial betrayal. You also leave yourself open to them thinking we’re even now but it’s false equivalence.

I am almost 3 years out and feel pretty much the same. I really struggle with the injustice of it all. My WH is the only one I have been with and I was the only one for him, before he went of the rails. Now, I am one of many . And I thought about a RA affair a lot, especially in the first two years. Not exactly to even the score, which I don't think would even be possible, but to somehow lessen the injustice and to make him experience first hand how much this betrayal hurts. And in a way to test if he would be willing to go through such pain for me, as I did, or at least as I am trying, for him. I don't think anymore that a potential affair on my part should really jeopardize our relationship. And if it does, does he really love me as much as I love him, if he is not willing to accept something way less gruesome than what he did, if he is not willing to suffer through far less than what I suffer because of him. He had his fun for 9 years, with multiple women, so I would find it really hypocritical if he left me for having sex with another guy. And if he did, I don't think it would really be a great loss, because obviously in that case he doesn't value and love me as much as I value and love him and I would not want to live in such a disbalanced relationship.

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, at least for him, I am not really interested in casual sex. I have no desire to fuck random strangers, so I would have to find a nice guy, single since I would never want to cause this pain to any other woman, hang out with him long enough to see if I find him attractive as a whole, not just physically, tell him in advance what is my goal, because I wouldn't want to string him along, so I don' think this is ever going to happen. But, if it did, like Revenger, I would tell WH about it upfront, so technically whould it even be an affair?

What is it you want? Even the score or actual revenge?

For context I am a BH who has only been with my WW, and up until dday2 I had never even considered anyone else as a possibility. After dday 2, I struggled deeply.

What helped me, is that I allowed myself to be more open to some very obvious signals with some women. I just needed to know that I wasn’t the problem and the very light/casual flirting solved that. I don’t do that anymore, just in the bloody aftermath of DDay. Then I made a condition of R is that if I wanted a hall pass I could. To me though, I wanted to know if WW would actually not be a hypocrite and be able to move forward with what she is asking from me. I have no interest or desire to actually use it, but I needed to know she would.

Revenge Affairs are still affairs and will not fix anything. Most likely it will make things absolutely worse. As atomic mess Has demonstrated, even though he felt it was perfectly fine for him to cheat, if his BW did the same he wouldn’t accept it. If you read his previous statements it’s because of his ego/pride. This is very common with cheaters. Don’t waste your time with how unfair or unjust this is, cheaters are selfish.

I’d recommend you ask yourself what it is you want to accomplish by a RA? Is it for you to reestablish how you feel about yourself? Or is it to make WH suffer the way you have? RA=using someone and allowing yourself to be used. Unless you lie to potential AP and tell them you’re not married or whatever, then that is you not only using someone but being incredibly deceptive and manipulative. Is that who you want to become? Is WH worth sacrificing that side of your moral compass? Ask any of the WW here, especially the madhatters, they all say how much worse their A made them feel in the end.

If it’s something that you absolutely have to have in order to R, then the best way is just honestly. Tell WH you want to be with someone else as a condition of R. RA is only going to make it worse.

I will caution, from my experience, even hall pass that all parties know and agree too almost always lead to affairs. A lot of people who claim to be able to have casual sex are lying and often catch feelings that makes it so much worse.

I'm intrigued to see if anyone has ever had a positive experience with revenge affairs,

I remember my husband told me I should experience an affair to see how much it gets you involved, how addictive it is and how hard it is to leg go.

I told him I will never do that because it really goes beyond my moral values but sometimes I am curious to know how it really affects you. I know that transgression itself moves such big emotions that if you are an adrenaline seeker, it gets you happy.

But as Hippo16 says "If you are looking for adrenaline, try bungee jumping and if you want more adrenaline, try it without an anchor point!" So maybe I am not fir that type of emotions but I can imagine that once you give yourself the permission to do it, it becomes hard to give uo those big emotions.

In my case the word revenge in general has no room. I am not a vindicative person and I would never do something that I know causes a TRAUMA.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 2:36 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

it. And TBH we have discussed opening up our marriage now but he always says ‘he wouldn’t like that’. Funny how the thought of me fucking someone else is so bad yet seemed fine to him.

I honestly believe people who lack empathy (and obviously cheaters do!) would only understand some of the pain we suffered if they were in the same shoes.

If you truly believe that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that justifies an affair, then why would a revenge affair be on the agenda?

I get it, I went there too, my thoughts went so far as in plotting to make him feel safe and then "bam" revenge affair! That should have happened… right about now as I believe he’s feeling safe enough not to think that I may cheat on him. I have the opportunity and I could do it pretty easily.

But I truly don’t get how using my body to punish someone else with pain and trauma would make me feel any better. I always believed that affairs are about character deficiency rather than "just physical", even if the WS says "it was just sex" the question still remains: why the deceit? Why not discussing it? Why not proposing new sexual activities or opening the marriage in the first place. Or divorcing. There are several solutions to sexual frustration. But… character and all that.

In all honesty, if I’d still consider a revenge affair now, I’d rather divorce. I never wished to be the abuser in life and I do believe affairs are abusive behaviour. Hurt people hurt people and all that. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than witness the pain of betrayal and know that I’ve generated that.

My husband had a subsequent affair. I don’t refer to it as a revenge affair because I don’t feel the primary motivation was to get revenge on me or to punish me. Sure there were thoughts of "maybe she will see what it’s like" but he did it more as a life raft to escape his pain just like any other ws.

It may have helped in some ways, I can’t discount that entirely. But just like any other affair it hurt far more than it helped.

-I had a harder time believing fidelity was a value to him. If he felt what I did was so wrong then he would not have done it.

-it still didn’t impact me the way it did him. I cheated in what was mostly described as a happy marriage. He cheated in a broken marriage.

-it pushed us much closer to divorce. Not because I couldn’t take what I dished out but by this point the marriage felt like a dumpster fire with nothing to salvage.

-it didn’t end up making him happier. Just like any other affair, it was a temporary high that by betraying his values and creating deeper complications just put us in the hole for longer.

-he now had requirements on him. I can take accountability for the conditions of the marriage but I can’t take accountability for his affair. The reason he did it was a lot of the same reasons I did it. He felt entitled, he was in pain and wanted to escape, it felt good, etc. I needed for him to do work on himself so I could rebuild trust.

-His affair was worse in many ways. It was 18 months versus my two, it was with someone I knew, it impacted our business, it was in our house, etc. once you start an affair you will justify your behavior just like any ws, and you take the risk of not being able to stop.

It’s a fantasy, just like any other ws fantasy.

The major takeaway he learned is that you lose your sense of self, integrity, and take yourself to the deepest depths of shame. Not all ws experience that but many do. He saw the climbing out of it to be a lot harder to navigate than what he judged my situation to be so he believes I feel pain about my affair. I personally think he could have learned that without doing it, but I don’t have room to talk on that.

Affairs are damaging to both spouses involved if they are people with a conscience. The damage is just different in that one could have prevented it, and the other is the one betrayed and innocent in it. I can’t say I felt innocent in it, but I definitely still felt blindsided.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:22 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

I wanted to add one more thing about RAs, or even hall pass. I’d ask Mods for assistance with this. There was a WW who posted about two years ago I think, she agreed for her BH to have a relationship with another woman. Her thoughts were it would help him and all that. I think they even did a threesome at a point, but o could be wrong. Well it turned into an affair. Instead of focusing on the marriage and doing the work, they went that route and pretty much killed any chance.

I apologize I can’t remember her username at all, and I believe it was posted in the R forum. It’s a good cautionary tale about the unforeseen consequences of getting someone else involved even willingly. Rarely does it ever work out.

I know one guy personally who had his own A after his DDay and his WW refused to give up AP. His RA shook her out of the fog and have been successfully working on R. That seems to be one of the few occasions where it gave some benefit.

I had a RA after my xWS's first A. At the time I did not have this place (SI) to talk me down nor a counselor. I was running on bad coping skills. I did threaten to have a RA to my WS I told him it would be with one of his friends, ended up being my co-worker. I can't say that I felt bad after I did it. I did feel like I had achieved some sort of (sick) justice. What I did not enjoy was the lying and sneaking around. When I told my xWS what had happened he was hurt but later carried on to have more A's. I never repeated my behavior again. Having gone through the experience I would not cheat on a partner again.

The RA wasn't thrilling, exciting, or loving. I did receive attention and an ego boost from it. What I did not like was being compared to my xWS as I still think to this day his A's compared to my one RA are like comparing apples to oranges.

I would never recommend a RA. You do lose your integrity and can no longer say that you have never cheated.

Best revenge would have been to D from the get go.

This is something I’ve thought about/contemplated pretty much since day 1 of discovery and by the sounds of it, it is a completely normal thought. When I’m experiencing more calm moments I tell myself how stupid it would be to wash away my morals and integrity for brief moments of satisfaction, HOWEVER, when I’m angry (this is more often then not at 7 months out) I can see myself doing it and not feeling an ounce of guilt or remorse.

I wouldn’t want to have a RA per se, but a ONS (filled with all the "unthinkables") hell yeah! There was a post about this topic not too long ago, and while I forget the poster who said it, they essentially said they would rather carry out a ONS just to no longer feel "owned" by their WS. This very feeling right here, is something I can resonate with - carrying out sexually with someone else to no longer have that sense of being owned vs. that of revenge.

Honestly, being betrayed in this way has changed me profusely. Never in a million years have I ever thought to hurt my husband this way, nor did I ever think he would be capable to do that to me. I sit now with the thoughts and feelings that anything is possible 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hikingout...

I want to ask you a question (or 2)...

My husband had a subsequent affair. I don’t refer to it as a revenge affair because I don’t feel the primary motivation was to get revenge on me or to punish me. Sure there were thoughts of "maybe she will see what it’s like" but he did it more as a life raft to escape his pain just like any other ws.

Do you think your husband would have had an affair if you hadn't? Like the pre A version of your husband, did you see him as someone who would do this OR was he so broken by your affair that he BECAME able to have an affair?

And did your feelings guilt about your affair lend some understanding of how your H went there, and influence your R or D decision?

Do you think your husband would have had an affair if you hadn't? Like the pre A version of your husband, did you see him as someone who would do this OR was he so broken by your affair that he BECAME able to have an affair?

So, I will put it this way, I don’t believe he would have had an affair under circumstance where he didn’t feel our marriage was irretrievably broken. It’s hard to explain, but we had some adventurous times before we were married where we were with other couples. And I don’t want to get to into it, but I say it to frame it as it’s not as much monogamy that he clings to, it’s honesty. Transparency. If I had wanted to have sex with another man I think he would have agreed as long as he could be present. (That’s not really what I wanted. I wanted the romantic attention along with it which would have been a no)

He knew he wasn’t being honest or transparent, he knew it was wrong, he just didn’t care. He didn’t feel he owed me anything when his affair started. But just because he was mad and changed the rules doesn’t mean that wasn’t abusive or a betrayal to me. He understands that.

He says he could see that I was trying as hard as I could and he just didn’t think he could take it anymore. He started confiding in her because she came by the house to bring things or get things, she was our priority manager. And I think the relief of having a close friend who he trusted became a stark contract to a wife he didn’t trust.

Could there be another circumstance it would have happened? Maybe? But I don’t think so.

And did your feelings guilt about your affair lend some understanding of how your H went there, and influence your R or D decision?

It’s complicated. So there were many things about his affair that I don’t relate to. They are just different than things you might not relate to with your wife.

His affair took the hope out of me. I didn’t think we should keep going. How could I believe we will reconcile when that’s what I thought we were doing already. His affair was long and I had no idea, 18 months of cluelessness. My affair was 2 months and I was crazier than batshit and he in no way thought everything was okay. He just didn’t guess it was an affair.

It happened in our home. I knew her. I came home as she was leaving so many times.

I am not saying what I experience was worse than what he did. I am saying that I couldn’t really compare our affairs. They were different, and how he could do certain things was outside of my understanding.

My decision to reconcile was purely because I can’t see myself doing life with anyone but him. He is who I want to be with. I don’t think either of us is going to tolerate any non-sense moving forward but we are here otherwise.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:27 AM, Thursday, May 16th]

My view on RAs is that they only make matters messier. Two factors here: One you never get to balance the equation. They cheated first without cause. No matter their claimed excuses. In the back of the WS mind there will always be that realization that they caused this. A BS doesn't have that. That you decide to cheat in light of that is always the lesser offense. So do you need two RA's to balance the scales.

The other is now you have both cheated. What keeps this from escalating? If you have that 2nd RA, does the WS balance that by cheating again? Does one or the other feel safer to cheat, since it only takes another RA to wipe the slate clean.

You do you. But an RA isn't going to be the answer you are looking for. Don't join your WS in the mud. He's happier there then you ever will be.

Hikingout...

Thanks for your response. Yours are insights that this board needs...gained through a lot of pain and introspection.

I am fascinated by the concept of revenge affairs and affairs in general.

I am amazed how hurt people actually are by them, myself included.

People who love each other truly destroying each other seems insane but is actually quite common.

I guess broken people, break people.