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Yesterday I asked my husband to use his phone to take videos of the kids (my phone was connected to our speaker outside). I decided when I was done I would go and look at his photos during the time of the A and see if he deleted everything as I asked. I didn’t see anything that stood out but I did see a photo of a handwritten lyrics…. In his handwriting. My H is a musician and when I read these lyrics my heart sank to the bottom of my feet bc they were love lyrics and I know it wasn’t about me.
I stormed inside where my H was finishing up his work report and asked him what the hell it was. At first he said it was just a song, then said it was about me and then after seeing my face told me he did write it about her but he had forgotten about it or he would have deleted it.
I was so mad that he lied and I lost it. He told me that he was sorry and that when I came raging in he felt like a child backed in the corner and he got anxiety and he resorted back to his old ways.

These words are words he never wrote to me and they were deep. Talking about saving her and paradise and blah blah trashy blah.

My D came up the stairs and he finally told her while crying what he did in an age appropriate way and she cried. We told her we loved her and that nothing was her fault and we were both trying to heal/change , she seemed to be happy we told her bc things made more sense to her after that.

I was up all night we cried all night and I didn’t go to work today.
The lyrics were written a few days before I caught him and after she was dropping him. He swore they meant nothing and that it was just another thing he had to do to keep her coming back. Lyrics speak to me and instruments speak to him so this really really really hurt me deep. He cried again this morning promising me he hated that he wrote it and doesn’t even remember what it said because she meant nothing to him but he needed her coming back for his high.

I have never seen any communication between them , I know a lot of people here have and now I can’t unsee it. I feel like d day is all over again. I feel like you vent write that to someone and not love them… he lied to me out of fear of hurting me , I see that but he still lied. Do I think he forgot it was there? Yes but that doesn’t make anything better. I told him if he doesn’t figure out the lying (which he’s in IC for I’m gone).
He has came a long way and and he’s told me the truth about a lot of other stuff but then he lied… I can’t keep getting hurt or I will never heal.

I called off work and I feel like my mental health is in the trash.
People that have read words between their ws qnw AP how the hell do you recover?
I feel so damn sick that I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

The worst part is when they try to minimize it. Like we’re stupid. "Yes I wrote that but I didn’t mean it."
Bullshit. They meant it, at the time they did. I don’t understand why they can’t have to respect to at least admit they felt that way when it was written. Otherwise, how can you know if everything they write you or say right now isn’t also just a bunch of made up bullshit to keep you around?

This is a complete and total gut punch, I’m so sorry for you Groot.

I personally can’t imagine writing a love song or love letter to someone I don’t actually love, that just seems incredibly disingenuous for him to say he didn’t mean it.

Your reaction is understandable. Do the things you know help, even if you don’t want to. Exercise, punch things, avoid alcohol, find a friend, those kind of good things. This will pass, like it has before. Better days are ahead.

I was able to access all email communication between my WH and his AP, so I had an open window into what would never have been so bluntly acknowledged to me.

To this day it is seared into my brain, and no disavowal from him would be plausible.

I just can’t wrap my head around it.
He broke down and told me he was selfish and used many people through the years to get ego boosts , admitted to me he was in the band for all of the wrong reasons , he was the center of attention, he got this high and when that high didn’t happen as often he found her…. I don’t know what is worse? That at that time he in his messed up brain who didn’t know her , her kids, her family, nothing truly thought he loved her? Or that he really did string her along because he was so broken and insecure he thought he needed it. Either way the answers suck.

He has quit music and has no desire to play and hasn’t since d Day. He told me that it reminds him of a time when he was someone he didn’t want to be , I watch him face himself and who he was and it is like watching a train wreck. Each day , he grows into someone different someone more aware of himself. It is some days painful to watch and to hear because for 10 years I was married to a stranger who only cared about himself.

In my mind all that matrers to me is regardless of why he wrote it, he did. It came from his hand and it was beyond hurtful and he’s never wrote about me or the kids. When I brought it up he said he wrote it for her bc he was getting something in return and he knew it would reel her back in ….

I am not sure if this is at helpful, but I will tell you a bit about ws mindset.

So, when in the affair, the ws projects a lot of things onto the ap that isn’t actually there. AP’s don’t tend to know each other well or deeply. Instead what tends to happen is you project into them all these qualities in a way to validate yourself.

I would get these glimpses of reality from the ap and gloss right over them. Because he was my audience in playing out the validation of this person I was trying to be. I subconsciously needed him to be this specific person that I think I kind of turned him into in my mind.

Why was I trying to be this terrible lesser version of myself? Well I wasn’t trying for that. I wanted to be interesting, sexier, younger, more vibrant and carefree. His validation of that really only worked under the construct of exaggerating his goodness.

Anything I said to him or did for him, those were all for a figment of my imagination.

So it’s not that I didn’t mean those things. It was more those things likely were undeserved or didn’t really fit him.

My husband has a lot of wonderful qualities that I didn’t appreciate. When I say I love him it’s with knowing who he is, like deeply. He isn’t a figment of my imagination.

It would be easy to spew poetry or music towards someone who is a figment of your imagination. Not the flawed and gross person you actually had an affair with.

I hope there is something in there that helps you, even though you have every right to feel every single thing you feel about this situation. I didn’t write that to get him off the hook, moreso I wrote it because I want you to understand that you do not have to compete with a figment of your husbands imagination. Someone he generated and then used an actual flawed human to get his needs met. This is not who you aspire to be, and the writing of those lyrics was based on a whole lotta bullshit.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:23 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]

I had access to way too much of their texts and messages. I had read them for weeks and weeks, knowing they were my WH's words and thoughts. I knew they skyped, I knew they talked on the phone... I knew all of these things. But one day it hit me that he actually verbalized the words, I love you, it killed me. I had seen him write it a million times, so it wasn't new information, but realizing that he actually spoke the words to her hit me like it was completely new.

I share this to say, be kind to yourself. Finding actual, physical evidence hits differently.

On another note, one of the messages I read between my WH and his AP went something like this:

"It's amazing how much you have influenced my life, from the shows I watch to the gum I chew, you are a part of my everything."

Yes. Really. The shows the he watched because I suggested them. The gum I bought him and put in his stocking for Christmas. But it was her influence and it was a symbol of how close they were.

APs are so fucking stupid. LOL

Hiking out I always appreciate your view on things having been on both sides it’s so helpful.

My H says the same thing he calls the lyrics garbage or just bullshit but they still cut so deep.
I gave him four beautiful children and supported him through so much bullshit and I shouldn’t have. He admitted to me that none of that meant anything at the time because he only cares about chasing this dream and filling a void. He wrote her this bullshit because it was built on fantasy and lies…. He told me he would write me while album when we were both healed and I told him to shove it. I don’t want shit now.

He’s recognizing that his kids and his family mean so much more than he thought because he had to wake up and face what he’s done, I know his depression is hitting and mine is escalating. Together we take turns crying in bed and I just feel like this is all just so traumatic.

It will take me a long time to process how he could do what he did. What you say makes sense because my husband says the same things but it hurts like hell.

I understand.

I think what’s important is that YOU aren’t comparing yourself. At least not in a negative way.

You are the prize. You are what he gave up his best chances to because he didn’t know how to cope with his own stuff.

And of course it hurts. But see yourself through your real lens not his circus maze of mirrors.

I could wax poetic bout Dave Grohl. I love him and think he is an awesome person. But I have never raised kids with him, taken care of him while he was sick, listened to his incessant drumming all over the house, etc. it’s the same with the ap. They could have been anyone and we put a whole set of attributes we had no proof of.

Again, this is not to say it shouldn’t hurt, or that you shouldn’t feel the things. Just don’t think that there is something you are missing for him or anyone else. Fuck the altered perceptions, fuck fantasy land, fuck him, fuck her. Straighten your crown because you are amazing.

I am on my phone by the pool with the kiddos so copying and quoting is hard on this damn iPhone.

I appreciate the words and I am trying my damn hardest to not compare myself… there is nothing to compare really. She was physically unattractive, broke, valueless, and down right dumb.
She just offered my H what he wanted at the time a whole bunch of sex (porn addiction) and I have to tell myself that he had / has problems that don’t have anything to do with me.
Im a very old soul and he is slap stick humor, we just don’t jive very well but at the same time our opposites is what brought us together at one point.

I will straighten my crown when I can find the strength to stand again, right now I’m in the pit and I have to find the strength to crawl the fuck out again.

He told me last night he was would have rather ran over someone he didn’t know on purpose than do this to me … I don’t know how to take that. He said he wished he told her what a piece of shit she was and all I kept telling him is you’re the piece of shit, look inside , he is struggling to accept he could have done this and I know I shouldn’t be but I’m worried. This is all hitting him really hard too.

Fuck him and fuck her.

(((Groot1988))) Oh my heart hurts for you it is brutal what reading these things can do to you. I don't think this is something we get over and unfortunately is burned into memory. I can still remember all the texts I recovered between my xWS and the MOW. Things that were said to each other and also said about me. I just hope that he learned how lying about it only makes things worse.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:46 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]

Thank you all for reading and I just feel

Like 11 years were robbed from me by someone I should have just said no to.

Something drew me to him and we’ve always had this connection.

Facing that my last 11 years has been a lie is something I feel like I should be committed for. I just don’t know how to cope? I did this to my kids and one of my kids is mentally disabled and she would never understand if we were to split. If her her family were to be altered she would suffer and she would regress and this house we put 50k in to make it our dream home and I just don’t know what to do. Our special
Needs daughter is beautiful. She is truly a miracle and her syndrome makes her love Walter and her side effect? Thick beautiful hair. She is just stunning. To imagine having strangers around her to take advantage or to hurt her. What the actual fuck was he thinking? I would never ever let any tramp around her. I would have died first.

Just having summer break makes my special needs child lose sleep for week bc she is thrown off her rhythm. He knew this. He took her to all of her pt sessions once a week . She didn’t walk till 3, how can you see such a miracle and not hate yourself for what you did? I just hate it all today and I’m sorry for going so deep because we all are suffering but it’s so hard to feel responsible for little ones.

I should have ran.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:33 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]

((Groot))

I'm so sorry. This stuff, it really does make your heart physically hurt, doesn't it. Reading communications between them, is a special sort of hell. Be kind to yourself, feel your feelings. I know you're in the pit right now. It's okay to wallow there a while. Please know, that eventually this wont hurt as much as it does right now.

Big picture though, and please don't even think of any of this until you've given yourself some space and some grace, but...... when you're ready, I think you have two problems. (1) He's still lying as a protective mechanism. Even though he came clean eventually, it's like a knee jerk for him. OF COURSE the lyrics meant something to him then, that's why he wrote them, of course. It may be that they make him cringe now, the same way one of my 12th grade diary posts might make me cringe now - but that doesn't mean that they weren't real to me then. He would do better to own his shit in the long term than to tie himself into knots trying to explain it now. I assume at least part of it is that he's worried about your reactions....which ... I get... Don't get me wrong, you're entitled to react and to have feelings about this, of course, but I wonder if you might have a role to play in helping to create an environment where he feels safe to be honest. Is that something you've touched on at all in IC/MC? I remember feeling incredibly indignant and wounded when our MC suggested something similar to us. It felt incredibly victim-blamey like somehow she was saying it was MY FAULT for him being defensive (or a liar), and that wasn't what she was saying at all (and I'm not saying that either). But my husband grew up in a household where he had good reason to avoid conflict and so his avoidance/defensiveness had been adaptive growing up and was a hard habit for him to break, particularly when his fight/flight was engaged (which my yelling absolutely did). If I wanted him to react to me the way I needed him to, I needed to come to him (with conflict) more calmly - particularly in those early days when it was new for him and he was still getting his footing. This kind of leads me to .....(2) Gently, I know you have 4 kids and you probably don't get a lot of private time alone and all of this feels incredibly immediate and urgent, but.... (and please know I say this with absolutely ZERO judgment at all)..... it's not fair or healthy for your kids to be a party to all of this drama. I know some of it is unavoidable, but I really would encourage you both to work on strategies where they are kept out of it. They already know that things are difficult but they don't need to be looped in on every twist and turn of the emotional roller-coaster you are on right now. Depending on their ages, some age-appropriate high-level stuff is appropriate, but they absolutely don't need to know the details about their father's song lyrics about another woman. They just don't.

Just wanted to say I relate to your posts so much. I see so many similarities between your WH and mine. He also panicked so many times and lied while I was still discovering more a year after d day. He Also had issues with porn, wanting validation and acting like a teenager to get it.
I am also an old soul that ran the house and raised our kids and put up with his moods and lack of support running a household for so many years. In hindsight I see so much selfishness. But I loved him and I think I romanticized our relationship. He was always very physically affectionate which now means less than nothing to me. You are still so early in this process. I am two years from initial d day and things are better but our relationship is very different. He is patient, thoughtful and so engaged with the kids and household now. The last year I have seen a huge shift in him. I am trying to be grateful but can’t help but think why have you not been doing this the last twenty years. And now you’ve destroyed the romantic part of our relationship possibly forever.
His affairs were mostly one night stands and the last one was more of a friendship with sex when they saw each other which was only at conferences. Thankfully all of this was done in other cities very far from where we lived. But I think that was intentional because he never intended for it to spill over into the privileges he had being married. So he got the thrill of being with new people with the comforts of marriage. It pisses me off beyond belief. One of the things that hurt the most was knowing him and AP discussed their relationship. I asked him point blank if they did and by then he was being radically honest so he told me. They both said they did not want to leave their partners/marriage but the fact that it was discussed hurt more than the one night stands in a really big way for me. I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep taking care of yourself and give yourself time to process and grieve.

I am sure that hurts and I am in no way excusing this, but your husband may have been honest when saying he didn’t mean/feel it. How did he act upon D day and the ending of the affair? If it was immediate with no yearning for the AP I’d chalk it up to more of the Bull-caca of escapism and fantasy. It could have been just a part of the fantasy story his imagination was escaping to. If he dropped the AP happily and quickly there was no love or truth to the song. How could there have been if he dropped her immediately (assuming he did)? You don’t walk away easily from "love" 🙄I mean, I’ve never cheated but have fantasized about a certain singer and what an alternative life would be like. One where I controlled it all and created every aspect of it and deleted any stressors. I think some affairs are like that. Some are not. 🤷‍♀️Both hurt, but I think often the BS assesses a situation the way they’d have felt, behaved, or reacted, but the non cheaters clearly have a very different (IMO more authentic and mature) emotional makeup.

Emergent.

I absolutely love your posts when you are able to respond to my threads. Thank you.

You’re absolutely right. My delivery is less than approachable and it has been brought up im MC and IC. When I find something I see red. I don’t wait for the correct time to bring it up I just unleash and he was deep in thought writing a report for work and he said he was "blindsided" he did tell me he had no reason to lie but he was afraid from FOO issues it’s hard for him to tell the truth when he knows he did the wrong throng.

My daughter knew nothing of the lyrics and she knows no details. Just that daddy stepped away from his family last summer because he had issues. She put two and two together and asked if he had an affair and we told her yes. But that nothing he he did was because of her or her siblings.

He told me and still swears the lyrics were to keep her on the line. He said he did care about her but only because she gave him what he needed at the time. He swears he didn’t love her at the time but knew what she liked and what would keep her.

He’s so selfish it’s hard to not believe that … he does what is good for him. Maybe I have to just accept he was a huge user.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 11:56 PM, Wednesday, June 5th]

Other side of hell

Well dday was officially 10-6 and on that day after I threw all his shit out in the front yard and kicked his ass (literally)
He dropped AP. Blocked her number called off for a few days and then turned in his notice at work. She was a former coworker. He never had contact with her again. I did find the messages between them late Sept but he used the "we just crossed the line as friends" he saw her once between then and d day. He didn’t seem to miss her and he immediately saw what he lost so maybe he truly didn’t mean what he wrote?

He swears to me it was an escape from reality that he didn’t feel like he was enough for us and when he was with her he did. He felt like he was living a double life where he could be the hero in the story.

Hero of the story! Yep, heard that too and had therapists explain it to me. Low self-esteem and here is this woman convinced he’s the end all and doesn’t know him well enough to know his shit stinks too. Fantasy land where you get to be Superman and then go home and live your real life. That’s not love. It’s Disneyland. Fun to visit, but we all know it’s not real life and no one wants to live there. My husband said it was like writing a book where you’re the heroic main character. He said it seemed so ridiculous he often felt he wasn’t really cheating like many men do, because he knew it was just escapism. She, however, did not and was crushed. 🙄

Oh. I get that too.
H told me that when he told her that he loved me and his FOUR CHILDREN she balled her eyes out….
I guess she said "I was so dumb".
Yeah…. Allowing him to be the worst version of himself , helping him ruin his family, possibly his children’s futures , and his marriage, she really thought it was going to make them end up together? I don’t get how someone can be so freaking dumb.

TF did she think really? He saw her for a few hours a week and went home to us, never met her kids (didn’t want to) and never would let her come to this side of town. Told her "I will contact you when I can. Don’t contact me".

Oh yeah. That is real love for sure.

Agree, some really really dumb people out there. First to think someone unwilling to leave their spouse, goes home to said spouse, pools finances, buys homes, plans a future, etc really wants to be with them instead? And second, being so stupid as to think they’re so special and the one person the cheating spouse will be faithful to? 🙄 they literally could have been anyone. I know a few do leave for the AP, but studies show it’s rare and happens very early on in the affair when it does. Get a clue people. AP’s are never anything special and neither is the cheating spouse. Two broken people blowing smoke up each other’s backside.