SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Honestly, no one really knows how long it takes to heal, what really matters is that you learn to focus in each day. And this is why I always say, one day at a time because that is all any of us have.

But you could focus on each step that you plan to take. Reach out to a lawyer and learn your rights, take care of yours and your kids needs, etc. I know right now that it is very difficult to do, but focusing on how long it is going to take to heal doesn't serve you well at all.

I was in a very dark place at one point in my marriage... my world and marriage AS I KNEW IT fell apart because of my WH ways. But the truth and reality was that it had already fallen apart. I just didn't know it. It fell apart years ago but my WH neglected to tell me that it did. And how I was viewing my marriage was only a figment of my own imagination. The reality of who my WH really was and my imagination of who he was didn't line up. And he blamed me too because of the choices that he made, just like yours is doing to you now.

I know this is all just a mess right now. You are going through some deep trauma, and the most important things you can do is to reach out to others IRL, besides SI for help. I found that the more people I could lean into the better off I was. But if you aren't quite ready for that there are other options as well. These days you have lots of options to choose from, fb groups that deal exactly with what you are going through, women meet ups infidelity groups, etc. I found that to be helpful too.

Just like the others have said, set a goal to take care of your needs. Drink water, exercise, drink protein shakes if you find that you are having a hard time eating. I lost a bunch of weight when I first started going through the nightmare. I completely understand what you are going through and I am sorry.

BTW, I'm a few years out now and just like you, I also had dreams of this beautiful fairytale life. But I found that the fairytale life wasn't real. It still blows me away when I think back how I thought my life was supposed to look like compared to how it is today. And I will say that I much prefer and appreciate living in reality and my authentic life, rather than trusting and believing in someone who was lying and cheating on me throughout our whole marriage, and then covering it up so that he could continue living in his lust filled, drinking ways. Who wants that? I would much rather live my reality verses living with someone who is presenting themselves to be someone they are not.

***Correction- cheating, drinking, lieing, lustful ways.

I would much rather live in my truth and my reality of today then to go back into that nightmare and have to become less of who I am and to bury my head in the sand just to keep things "right?"

What I went through... I would never have imagined I would have made it out alive, but here I am!

You will get there too.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 5:21 PM, Monday, June 10th]

Because infidelity is so unbelievably painful and horrible and cruel sometimes people make jokes to try to help them get rid of a little of the pain. So we often use a term called the Cheater’s Handbook. There is no such thing, but one thing all the old timers on here will tell you is there’s a garden variety cheater and your husband fits right in on page one. He’s no different. You are not responsible in anyway for his bad behavior. He is, but he does not want to feel guilty or responsible. So he dumps it on you. Does that sound like a nice guy? I don’t think so either.

My husband isn’t being very honest with me and I don’t even know if he wants to stay with me or be with his girlfriend. I don’t see how either option will ever be good for me

I am so sorry your H has done this to you. Everyone in this thread is giving you great advice and after reading your circumstances, two things came to mind. Maybe these are things you would not think of, but I just want to put this out there.

In my experience and opinion, the wayward has already decided whether to stay with you, leave you, or see if he/she can continue the affair underground.

I do not believe there is anything you can do to change their minds. They know what they want; if they can't, won't, or don't lay it out for you, that is your answer. Don't blame yourself that if you would have been nicer, sweeter, more accomodating, they would have stayed. How ever you treat your WH matters little. He already knows what he wants and what he's going to do. Give him hell if you want, see a shark attorney, bake a gourmet dinner for him every day, do whatever you need to do, it may put off the future, but will not change his mind. He's going to do what he wants to do. IMO.

The other thing that came to mind is a "fact" I read in an old infidelity book years ago and I believe it. I read that the OW gets "antsy" after about two years of an affair. They're afraid their partner won't commit and that's why they need to spill the beans to the BW to get her to dump her WH for them.

Having said that, I believe that even WH tend to put their faithful wives and the mother of their children on a pedestal. I don't know if it's guilt about the children that kept him from leaving so far or if it's the knowledge that his GF is a cheater. They know in their guts that an OW is a cheater, and is just not wife material. They know if she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.

There are loads of stories in forums about newly single waywards wanting to check out the dating pool and not being tied to the old tired cheater they left their innocent spouse for. If she called you, she is desperate.

If the OW is married, call the other BS and do not let your WH know you've done so. That's the first most important thing to do right now.

I wish all the best for you.

Sounds like your M is more than ten years which is the trigger for permanent alimony in CA. Be aware of this as you think about your D option. You 100% need to make peace with the D option or R will not be genuine. You are merely forced into it by circumstances you are unwilling to accept. "You have to be willing to lose the M to save it".

I'm not recommending for or against D here. Just telling you that this is one of the key conditions you need to work through whether you want to R or D.

The two quotes I hope I have correct are:
Be someone’s choice, not their option
If he can’t decide tell him to choose her because he already did by cheating with her.

I know you are terrified of finances. Can you stay and get some/more training to improve your income?

We all wish we could help.

Be smart. Get an attorney and use your state laws to help you

Hello Friend,
This reply isn’t going to be elegant and will probably have typos because I am just spiraling down from a huge pitty party that I threw myself tonight.
We are probably in pretty similar situations in a lot of ways / so much of what you said I can relate to. Please PM me any time ❤️

I was on this site ten years ago when my first husband cheated. This time around, I wanted to immediately share something that could be helpful to you - if you think you are going to move with the kids, do it before divorce filing please! Once those are in place you will be very limited geographically and that could be a problem for your cost of living and for the support you will need from your family(if you want that). Also, it’s far better to change the lives of kids at the ages yours are than when they get to be tweens and teens - the sooner the better for them.
Also, there is something called a post nuptial agreement- please get a lawyer and look into one- it may be information for you if he refuses to sign it. The lawyers are great at framing it as a kind of pre divorce opportunity so if he is on the fence, a) he will be more agreeable to giving you more assets and b) you won’t fight about custody later if it comes to it and c) if he refuses to sign, that might tell you that he plans to divorce you anyway and is going to be a shit about it. Also ask your lawyer what you can do with your joint assets right now - as in tomorrow. Because they are joint, maybe you would want to do something like pay off your student loans, or buy yourself a really reliable, long lasting car, or enroll in and pay ahead for more schooling, or get a boob job. (Speaking from personal experience here and boy my pity party is starting to slip away as I type this out and it ain’t the pain meds, my new car, my less debt or my new grad degree 😆) I’m trying to be light hearted - not flippant. I wouldn’t trade a million times over all of the pain I am experiencing for anything I have done since Dday, so I hope it doesn’t sound that way. FYI, I do want to attempt recovering my marriage and we are BOTH trying really hard. My wise woman told me to "in a desert, trust god, but still tether your horse", so I hope I am giving you ideas about how to tether your horse, too. Sending hugs.

Sorry - one more thing to add just in terms of custody is that to remember if you end up giving up time with the kids and it sets any kind of prescient, a judge will most likely make that the ruling for the the arranged custody agreement post divorce. In other words, if you leave the house for any amount of time for a separation without the kids, that could be used against you. I would also start taking notes of his involvement with the kids if that ever has been an issue (does he go to their games and recitals? If he leaves for business does he call to talk to them?). It sounds petty now, but if it comes to it in court, you will be glad you have this documented. I’m so sorry - I sound like I am pushing you in that way which is not my intention at all. My intention is to share my experience in hopes that you have the best outcome for you and your kids.

R is what I want.

Marie82 – I have sometimes been chastised on this (and other) site for being "pro" reconciliation. For many, the only requirement to get that label is simply believing reconciliation is possible. And I do think it’s possible...
However, ONLY if BOTH partners want it and work at it, and if that work is based on a firm base of TRUTH.

Based on your posts here and on other threads...
You don’t have what is needed to reconcile. At best your husband wants to rug-sweep. He doesn’t seem to realize that the ONLY cause and ONLY reason for his affair is/are HIS issues and HIS decisions.
He doesn’t seem open to IC, accountability, show remorse or whatever.

Friend – there is NO WAY you can reconcile.
Maybe – like MAYBE – if you make major concessions on your expectations to marriage – the two of you can have a seemingly "normal" relationship. But this will always be left untreated, and will be like a never-healing cut that at best gathers a swollen scab.
Not to mention that statistically he’s extremely likely to cheat again – if he doesn’t realize and understand his accountability.

I want to clarify one issue – even though others have mentioned it.
There is no automatic correlation between a worse life for kids with divorced parents. The key work you use is "broken home". The old adage of it being better to be from a broken home rather than live in one holds true. You can create a good, stable home for you and your kids without their dad. Just like he can create a good, stable home for them without you. The key being that both parents are focused on being the best coparents. In fact – remaining in what is basically an abusive relationship will do more damage than you can imaging to your kids.

I’m going to suggest the following action plan:
I’m guessing the OW isn’t married – seeing as how she reached out – so the classic tell her husband won’t apply. But if I’m wrong – then do so.

Share your burden. Talk to a sibling, a friend... anyone that can support you and ease the load.
If you don’t have access to that support, call a domestic abuse hotline and they will guide you to a good counselor. Don’t worry – a) its not only battered women and b) it’s 100% confidential.
Research divorce in your area. Get a realistic picture of what to expect. Its not what you want, but if your husband doesn’t get off his high-horse then that’s possibly your only path out.

Give yourself a timeline for the above. Like maybe 2 weeks.

At the end of that period... be prepared to confront him.
Tell him that you have come to the realization that although ending the marriage and splitting the family terrifies you and is the second least thing you want to do there is ONE thing even worse.
That is sharing him and being disrespected and abused by him.
Since he isn’t willing to do what is needed to reconcile – accountability, therapy, counseling etc – you have realized that if you remain, it will continue to develop into an emotionally abusive relationship.
Tell him that you absolve him of your expectations as husband, and that he is free to go be with OW.
Tell him that you have contacted an attorney and will file, and that you expect as amicable a divorce as possible. That the state outlines the process, and if you two work together you can both get the freedom – the freedom he wants and the freedom you need.

You can end with the statement that this isn’t what you really want, but nor did you want him to cheat. That this is a process and takes time, and that if he wants the marriage he has a window of opportunity to show you – with actions – and you can slow the process down.

Marie

Sorry you are here. I chose to stay in a loveless marriage, but keep it peaceful. The decision has come with many challenges and consequences for me, but my kids are doing well and I see them all the time. The things my WW has told me are lies, insane and the most humiliating and hurtful truths. I don’t even ask anymore, just work, kids and dogs. She really wants to fix us, but I am too exhausted to invest anymore into her. I regret my decision to marry her and miss trusting anyone, but I will regain self respect and hopefully find love before I am 60 so I can die with some happiness in my memories.

In the end- It can be done, but requires steadfast commitment and dedication to your kids plus a belief they will benefit from and appreciate the sacrifice someday. I do question if it is worth it, wasting all my good years in this relationship. Other times I am so happy that my kids have a family, even if I know it will only be for 5 more years. I wish I could give you a definitive thumbs up, but I have trouble recommending my life choices to anyone.

One more thing- be thankful that your wayward is not a SAHx. D for me means alimony AND child support, so I have no legal recourse available only obligation to pay for the life of a cheater. A good lawyer may give you the opportunity to deliver a little bit of consequences, if you so choose. I would be living in a van down by the river if I chose to leave given what the lawyers have told me to expect.

Hi!

I am so sorry you are here. I am sending you a virtual hug for all the pain you are enduring.

Please do not let ANYONE say it was partially your fault. NOPE! It was solely your husband’s choice to make it happen thanks to the mistress who couldn’t care less if he was married or not.

I am a survival after a 4 and a half years affair. We did reconcile and it has taken us a long time because he kept in touch with the ex AP. So after the years of lies and deceit in which he was also horrible to me, he’s had a long time in which he was a completely different and much better person BUT he kept making the wrong choices by not letting go of the FB. They didn’t meet anymore but there was a thread they were both hanging from.

Everything was about each other’s ego, there was no love for her but I have to accept he was incapable of loving me as well.

Too much selfishness. I hope things will improve if you really want R but remember, he must put his work in or it won’t work at all

Reconciliation is extremely difficult even if both are all in, your husband is not. Be prepared. Interview several attorneys and pick one, protect you and your children.

Your husband has problems, you can't help him, you can't change him.

Find IC for you and at some point your children may need counseling too.

Take care of yourself.

A number of people have mentioned the 2-5 years thing. It is my experience that while you may be able to recover from infidelity and continue the marriage, once you are betrayed in such a manner, the trust never fully returns. It's been nearly 8 years since my DDay and while I can say that things have appeared to be decent for the most part since then, there have been times when I've seen things that suggest something's not right (triggers?), and it makes me question everything all over again. Trust is paramount to a marriage. Without trust there is literally nothing but an empty husk.

Oh man….I am sorry you are here :( My advice:

1. See a Dr.

2. Get a therapist.

3. At some point if you are working towards reconciliation- which you are not if he says he is unsure, then you must implement a no contact policy. If he’s on the fence- YOU focus on YOU and the KIDS….not on HIM. Don’t try and win him back. Give the space…..and you do basics of self care- drink water, go for walks, eat healthy and pls get support. If your husband decides that he wants to rebuild then that is later…..he must first get into therapy and figure out why/how this happened. It’s not time for reconciliation.

4. Pls speak to a lawyer so you understand your rights and that you do not half to do it all alone. He will have to pay child support and very possibly alimony….

My Ws and I were able to reconcile but he was immediately remorseful, never wavered from that out wanting to rebuild our family and marriage. BUT I did go to a lawyer and had a plan B- that gave me some sense of peace that no matter what I’d be ok.

Sending comfort- it all sucks.