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(((InkHulk))) sending hugs and strength to you and your kids. None of this is easy on anyone. It will take time like everything else that dreaded word. Even though my kids both knew the situation between my ex and I was extremely toxic the D was still very hard on them, but they have acclimated in these last 4 years. They see how much better the situation is for everyone now (even though my ex seems to be having the most difficult time with moving on).

But this one is just too parallel to my own experience as a kid. I can’t get that moment out of my head, I remember it so vividly when my parents told me. And it wasn’t out of the blue. It caused me to question whether I even belonged in the universe.

Hmmm, might be some gold in them thar hills. 🤔😉

Hmmm, might be some gold in them thar hills.

Indeed

I feel that I have worked thru that for myself pretty well. It just kills me that my children are going to have to experience something that sent me to such a place, that is my point here.

Another line of Perel struck me. It was more an answer to a question rather than one of her more crafted maxims. She replied that absent addiction or abuse, Kids will usually prefer their parents to stay together, because it's ‘their story’.

With your kids - Remain committed, attentive, observant, involved, respectful, patient, consistent.

Eventually the locus of their family will shift, and it’s out of that day to day stuff that they will re-discover a sense of place and goodness.

And it will be a little different for each of them. I find that an oddity when I look at and compare my brother, sister and I.

[This message edited by straightup at 9:33 PM, Monday, June 24th]

Another line of Perel struck me.

I love that you know that I’ll know exactly what the first Perel reference was.

Thank you for the wisdom. It’s going to take years to decades to tend to this wound in them, with the best nursing I can do being what you described.

I don’t doubt the best case scenario to any kid is for their parents to stay together. Nor do I doubt there will be pain, transition, adjustment, etc. I just think they will feel better being able to know where it is and be able to openly discuss it rather than it being the elephant in the room. Right now they have to draw their own conclusions and probably feel powerless to speak on it. Giving them the truth and empowerment to say all they think and feel will still be a better scenario.

But I also don’t doubt that given the circumstances of who handled telling you and how they worked with you in the aftermath will be very different for them.

I am a step parent, and I know that for a long time our kids would have ideally had them stay together or get back together. However, as they got into adulthood they totally understand why it would never work and they also appreciated that they did have more people loving them, supporting them, and different perspectives to draw from. Of course our kids were too young to remember their parents even being together so I think their issues with it were different.

Also their mom has a mental illness or perhaps a personality disorder and they are in much more limited contact with her now. I think that sealed for them that there wasn’t a lot of choice if she was unwilling to address her issues.

I feel that while their preference would be natural, they will have good leadership in you. And I expect regardless of all else that has happened, their mom will be there for them too. I will pray for them.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:27 PM, Monday, June 24th]

It is usually one of the fundamental reasons why many of us try to R-to not break up our families. It just goes against instinct. So it is always with profound sadness when we are forced to do so because the marriage is untenable. I will say this, as my now Ex and I became further apart both in terms of the emotional bonds and later geography, starting with my Ex out of the house, it became more and more obvious who was the primary, loving, responsible, emotionally engaged, empathic and authentic parent. Spoiler alert: it's not my Ex husband.

Despite this change in your family, which is nothing short of earth shattering, you will continue to provide the emotional ballast for your children and this will come as something of a relief to all of you. It's going to be okay. Your children have you. And hopefully many therapists on speed dial.

Big hug Ink. I know exactly how hard this is.

I agree HikingOut.

My parents served up two very different versions of mostly bad.

My father was all enthusiasm for Brady bunch new adventures with AP and her kids. No one bought what they were selling.

My Mum was an alcoholic mess and still is much of the time, 40 years later.

It’s from this that I draw a clear understanding that there is always a better way, that it matters, and there is no time to start like the present.

I have trust that Ink will do well and hope that his WW will also find a path.

I will say this, as my now Ex and I became further apart both in terms of the emotional bonds and later geography, starting with my Ex out of the house, it became more and more obvious who was the primary, loving, responsible, emotionally engaged, empathic and authentic parent. Spoiler alert: it's not my Ex husband.

This is complex in my story. Isn’t everything? She was a SAHM, she is close to them, and I’m glad she is. We’ve had difference in parenting philosophy, I’ve talked before about her openly challenging my parenting in front of the kids. It was a huge problem before d-day, and the disrespect that exhibited was untenable after d-day. I view her as overly permissive and have wanted to hold my kids accountable for things she wouldn’t. My kids have learned to just go to her for many things and with her not backing me, I’ve gotten the rap as the "mean" parent. My kids know that I love them, but I also believe that I need to train these kids with some tough love. I do feel that my wife has interfered with my relationship with my kids. I am looking forward to getting her out of the picture and relating to them without that interference. I’m nervous, but I’m hopeful.

My kids know that I love them, but I also believe that I need to train these kids with some tough love. I do feel that my wife has interfered with my relationship with my kids. I am looking forward to getting her out of the picture and relating to them without that interference. I’m nervous, but I’m hopeful.

In the long run, they will respect you more for that. Especially after they have kids on their own. But in the interim, yes they will continue to leverage your wife's weakness to the determent of your relationship with them. It's also likely to get worse now that they will know of the divorce. She will try even harder to buy their love.
I'm praying for you and your kids as you walk this road.

It just kills me that my children are going to have to experience something that sent me to such a place, that is my point here.

Without any intention at all of dismissing your very valid concerns and fears, or minimizing the gravity of any of this, please remember that your kids' experience will not be the same as yours. Unlike you, they have at least one supportive, healthy parent who knows exactly what a big deal this and will support them and their inevitable feelings and reactions through this trauma. You will do better for them than was done for you, and that is the part that matters most.

Good luck friend. Thinking of you and those kids. I know this has been something you've long been dreading.

Good luck. Saying prayers for you.