SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feels like it’s time to post an update. Things are both interesting and quiet on the home front. For the most part, we’re pretty hard 180. We actually had a day last week where I softened and it looked like maybe we’d put D on pause. But I made it clear in that that what she had done as my final straw (the mechanic asshat) could never happen again, and she dug her heals in. She claimed the right to make "affordable mistakes". I just walked away from her.
Well, turns out she had actually been in contact with asshat mechanic this whole time, all the while saying she still hoped to R and asking a mutual friend to advocate on her behalf with me. For some reason my wife confided this in the friend, and the friend (being compulsively honest) insisted my wife tell me. Wife argued, blustered, all that bullshit we all know and love, and then cut off this friend when she held her ground. So my wife told me about this, referred to it as being "more familiar than I would want to as a married woman". Translation, probably tiddy pics. I honestly have no evidence of the content, but it doesn’t matter, just one more piece of confirmation of who she is.

The truly informative part to me is it didn’t hurt me at all. No trigger, no emotional funk. It felt like vindication, like my mental model of her is now accurate because I predicted this, which is why I initiated divorce. My heart is truly dead to her.

We’re sharing the house. I really enjoy it when she’s gone, feel mild anxiety when she’s around. We still haven’t told the kids yet, for various reasons, but it will come soon. I think a benefit of this time will be that I will be able to control my emotions when we tell them and be present for them. But I know they must be confused and they need to be told soon.

So that is my life. No grand puzzles to figure out, it’s kind of peaceful actually. Thanks to all of you who have helped me along my journey to get to this point.

Being Father’s Day weekend:

Shout out to all the father’s out here. Even though we all have less than ideal home lives based off the club we are in, we are still crucial to our children’s lives.

I have no idea why I'm stunned that your wife has maintained contact with asshat mechanic, but I am. The good news it is shows your decision is the right one.

I'm happy to hear of your sense of calm through this storm. You seem to have truly reached acceptance and it's providing you with clarity and some kind of peace. Good for you.

Happy Father's Day!

Good for you. You are navigating this well. I hope you find your peace.

The truly informative part to me is it didn’t hurt me at all.

You stepped outside of the game, you’ve grown. Awesome!

There’s that peace we speak of when you know you have made the best decision even when it is the last thing you ever wanted. I’m glad your head and heart have reached the same conclusion. As hard as this will be for the kids, it will explain all the things they have been experiencing and bring them the clarity they deserve.

Nice update, IH.

The telling sentence is when you stated you feel anxious around her. It means your entire body is picking up signals…and you are listening to them.
Have a great summer without her. I hope you have a blast.

I got a question. Do you ever go back and reread your old threads and say to yourself...'Yeah WBFA--turns out that fucker had some good points maybe just a little too sensitive and tactful though'

Just wondering. Anyway it is great to see yourself cutting yourself free. Good riddance to your STBX-WW! Onward and upward!

I got a question. Do you ever go back and reread your old threads and say to yourself...'Yeah WBFA--turns out that fucker had some good points maybe just a little too sensitive and tactful though'

Maybe, maybe not, sounds like you definitely do though

You know this thread title is a tribute to you, right? Just take that and stop your gloating. In all seriousness, I am genuinely grateful for your challenges and support thru this saga.

You know, the title of my autobiography is gonna be 'Yeah I was right wasn't I'. I'm not famous or anything but the book will still sell just on the title alone. It will either be that or 'I'm so vain I definitely think this song is about me'

Thanks for the kind words. I am just happy to hear that you are breaking free and moving on to better things, you deserve that!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:35 PM, Saturday, June 15th]

I’m sorry it came to this ink, but it’s good that you’re able to make a decision about what is best for you. Even if your STBX wasn’t sending pictures or whatever, the fact that she had the audacity to start any kind of one on one relationship with a guy, after a three year affair and then hems and haws about it is truly remarkable. At least you can see the truth and make a life without her.

I know that it’s hard though, and that it still is a really painful experience. Don’t forget to take care of yourself during this. It’s easy to get lost and overwhelmed even though you know it’s the right decision.

It’ll be ok. Once you reach true indifference towards her you will feel an incredible weight lifted off.

"Affordable mistakes!"

Just Googled it because it sounded like a weasel word, like ‘conscious uncoupling’.

It seems to be used in a few parenting blogs, to not helicopter parent and let your kid make mistakes and lean from them.

Fair enough, if you’re 14.

But:
1) Not 14;
2) not your Dad;
3) not ‘affordable’;
4) the whole idea is to experience the consequences.

I don’t get your wife.

Apologies, but she seems like a twit.

Nice update IH it is very telling that you feel peace when she is away and anxious around her. That peace is what you’ll have when she’s gone.

Her continued contact with the mechanic just keeps reinforcing why you are ending the M. Those kind of revelations help propel you towards D. I had lots of those with xWS and makes the decision a lot clearer and easier to move towards.

Hoping you have a great summer. In time your kids will understand. I’m sure you can cut the air with a knife.

Looking forward to hearing more about your progress and healing.

Even if your STBX wasn’t sending pictures or whatever, the fact that she had the audacity to start any kind of one on one relationship with a guy, after a three year affair and then hems and haws about it is truly remarkable. At least you can see the truth and make a life without her.

Yeah, truer words….

From where I’m at now, I wonder why redemption is just not meant for my life story. I wanted it with my father, never happened and he’s dead. I’ve wanted it with my wife, invested years and countless tears, and it’s not to be. I think for me one of the (many) great elements of SI is the redemption stories. I gravitated to those stories, they touched my heart strings easily. And for a person who is so open to forgiveness and reconciliation, it just feels ironic to me the failure I’ve had in that department. Even the level of remorse that you’ve described in your wife, HINHF (we need to find a better short hand for you), I just want to experience that. But I’ve just gotten betrayal, shame, and deception in a steady diet most of my life.

One thing I have never forgotten is ChamomileTea talking about how her husband’s character was (maybe still is?) flexible, infirm. I’ve always thought that was a great insight. And I still wonder how do you ever screen for something like that? There is a lot I’m going to have to put back together as I walk away from this pile of shit. I hope you guys will be up for talking a little more.

It seems to be used in a few parenting blogs, to not helicopter parent and let your kid make mistakes and lean from them.

I do believe that is the context she picked the phrase up from. I disagree with none of your analysis of its use in these circumstances.

I don’t get your wife.

Apologies, but she seems like a twit.

No need to apologize to me, friend.

Happy fathers day IH. Sounds like you're getting there. Tough times but I can tell how strong you are. 💪

Happy Fathers Day. It’s bitter sweet, but at least you know you chose the right path.

I am not the most wordy guy as evidenced by my post count but I have been around for your saga. I am also in the surprised category. I really thought she had at least seen the horror and painful consequences of this. Selfish and unwilling to put your needs and pain above hers. But I never thought she was dumb…. But she is playing it.

She claimed the right to make "affordable mistakes".

Funny how affordable things are when you’re not the one paying….

referred to it as being "more familiar than I would want to as a married woman".

So who was making her do it? She wouldn’t want to be that "familiar"? It’s just laughable at that point… you are not her gatekeeper. She would have to be and clearly doesn’t want to.

I am glad you rolled through the latest pile of 💩 without having to take too big a bite of that 🥪. I wish you the best in your path ahead.

It's funny that you say you want redemption in your life, my brother. That seems akin to asking God for patience knowing full well the path to get there. But I feel really confident that you will get those redemption stories as life continues and children grow up and those relationships break and regrow and break and regrow (something I'm experiencing in life right this moment in really clear ways). And hopefully your next relationship/marriage/whatever you choose will never require a redemption and forgiveness quite like this.

I am really thankful that you have clarity. You're out of limbo and moving forward, and in a lot of ways I'm very envious of that and happy for you. My IC said to me last week, "You know that by leaving, if anyone ever said you bailed too quickly or didn't give enough grace you could immediately write that person off as psychotic and go on about your life unbothered by their opinion". I think that advice applies to you as well. You did far above and beyond what is ordinary and expected to try to save this thing. I do have faith that it will all work together for good in some way I can't understand, but I'm hoping for you that it's something you see in this lifetime one day as you hold a faithful woman with whom you've built a happy life and have grown to trust fully and completely with your soul because she's proven to be worthy of that. I think it will be. I have to believe good things do happen for good people in the long run more often than not.

Sending you love my brother. You're so far down the path and I truly believe the path gets easier from here than what it has been over the past few years.

It’s unfortunate that she didn’t see the opportunity to show you something different while you were all under one roof. I think she still could have won you back. In the back of my mind, I thought maybe she would continue therapy and there would be some sort of break through precipitated by seeing she was really going to lose you.

But courage didn’t show up, and instead she looked to escape again, to someone who is a known cheater. I would never wish anyone to experience infidelity but if she winds up sticking around with him, she may learn better what this has been like. Hopefully she chooses someone else though, for your kids sake.

I am baffled by the words affordable mistakes. She blew a chance that she didn’t even see because she was distracted by said asshat. I don’t think she could afford any more mistakes, or as we call them bad decisions.

I was still rooting for her, the chump that I am. But maybe I just hoped you would get that happily ever after story you deserve. That’s okay, it’s just been put on pause for a woman who will come to you with stronger character.

In the meantime, enjoy Father’s Day. And at least you know without a doubt you tried your best.

Funny how affordable things are when you’re not the one paying….

Well said, great insight. I hope you share more like that, get that post count up a little