SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve decided, but have not yet gotten to the bone.

Geez…I really felt that. 🥲

I’m sorry, Ink. Some parts just really really really really suck more than others.

Onward.

You're not stuck under the boulder though InkHulk. You only *think* you are and have gotten all too used to just sitting there as if you were stuck. The way out involves some scrambling up some dirt and rocks, but you certainly don't have to gnaw off your arm (even if you think otherwise).

And once you are out there are some pretty meadows!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:03 AM, Friday, June 21st]

Nah, dude. If you believe that, then you have never understood me at all.

I’ve decided, but have not yet gotten to the bone

.

I hear you on this, and I respect it. I have told you in the past and I will say it again, it takes what it takes for people. There is a lot of strength in being able to sit in the unknowing and to still try in all the ways you have to try and preserve your family unit. Whatever anyone choses to do with their chances is not within your control. What you have done is try to do everything that was within your control. And honestly, that’s more than many would do and speaks to your character in a very positive light in my book.

I find it troubling when people seem to want to rush people who come here through things, because they seem to know what’s better. There is a lot of collective wisdom here, but even so, this forum exists kind of in a 2D way. We all project our experience onto each other to varying extents, not just former ws, but all of us. Why? Because we have much more data about our own experience than anyone else’s and that leaves a lot of fill in the blanks. I am always cognizant of that. It’s the double edged sword - you get a lot of hats to try on but you will always be the only one here one to know if it’s fits. And that can be lonely sometimes, even as we recognize that the well intentions of strangers is a lifeline that we can rely on.

And I have to say, ink, I think you have always remained true to yourself as you could as you tried on the hats. And honestly, I think you are done analyzing because you have landed on as clear of a picture as you likely will ever get because there is so much firsthand experience. It makes sense to me that now that’s happened there would be some regrouping as you get your energy built back up. This shit is exhausting.

They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and I don’t think it’s just for couples that reconcile, and I think it includes both people in the marriage. You have been doing way better in all this than you think you have, it’s just hard to see when blinded by so much pain at the same time. You really should be proud of that when the smoke clears. It’s just not here yet because right now it’s hard to congratulate yourself on doing something you never wanted to see happen.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:01 AM, Friday, June 21st]

I agree with absolutely every word of hiking’s post above.

And I have to say, ink, I think you have always remained true to yourself as you could as you tried on the hats.

The Cheater’s Handbook thread was something I’ll likely never forget in my life. It represented many things to me: a soul scream, my mind desperately thrashing with everything it had (I’m crying writing that). I was also feeling this community out to see if I could trust you to advise me in the deeper channels. And I think I came away from that both with increased trust of the community but maybe even more so, I found I trusted myself. That I could argue and listen, push and pull, take and leave in this awful content and not loss myself to an internet rabbit hole. I have stayed true to myself, even been able to rebuild and rediscover myself, but all of it has been in the context of this caring, passionate, wise community. SI is my safe space and my wrestling ring. I love it.

And honestly, I think you are done analyzing because you have landed on as clear of a picture as you likely will ever get because there is so much firsthand experience.

I agree. There is clearly more to know about her. But as the saying goes, all models are wrong, some are useful. My model is incomplete but still useful in that as negative as it has become that is all I need to know to conclude that I don’t want to be married to her any longer.

It makes sense to me that now that’s happened there would be some regrouping as you get your energy built back up. This shit is exhausting.

It is. The plan is to tell the kids this weekend. That, to me, will represent getting into the bone.

They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and I don’t think it’s just for couples that reconcile, and I think it includes both people in the marriage. You have been doing way better in all this than you think you have, it’s just hard to see when blinded by so much pain at the same time. You really should be proud of that when the smoke clears. It’s just not here yet because right now it’s hard to congratulate yourself on doing something you never wanted to see happen.

I’m actually aware that I’m doing pretty well in my personal healing. It’s hard to quantify obviously, but yeah, I’m at two years this week, so I’m officially in the window!

Nah, dude. If you believe that, then you have never understood me at all.

Alright then I'll try again. You are tethered to this huge ball-n-chain, and it is taking a while for you to break one of the links with the rock you are using.

I stand by the gist of my post, in that I want you to challenge whatever in you that won't accept that you are much MUCH better off being free from your STBX-WW.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:01 PM, Friday, June 21st]

Or you could accept that my analogy fits well for my life. And if I had a choice in front of me to have a healthy marriage with a healthy version of the woman I married, keeping the stable home for my children, I would literally accept losing my arm for that. And if that doesn’t make sense to you, maybe sit this one out.

Yes that does make sense to me. I know how badly you wanted R, or at least it has been extremely clear to everyone on SI from all of your threads up until end of January 2024. Even to the point where you were willing to put up with "good enough". That the marriage you have been in, is ending, despite giving it your all to save it, is indeed something you have to grieve. There is also extreme concern on your part about how your kids' lives will be affected moving forward.

With that said, you have had all these unmistakable glaring signs that your STBX-WW is downright toxic. You can feel the way expressed in the paragraph above, while just wanting to get the hell away from her, no? And recognizing that D will help you heal.

When you ARE D, you certainly will NOT be stuck being less than whole and never being able to be whole again though.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:16 PM, Friday, June 21st]

with a healthy version of the woman I married

Just curious, does this mean you think she was healthy/moral/upstanding/faithful/empathetic at the start of your marriage and then became sick/immoral/unfaithful/callous at a later time?

Or is it possible she was always those things you see now, but circumstances hid it from you, causing you to create a wildly-incorrect model of her?

I think I’m like the hiker who got his arm caught under a falling boulder, had exhausted all reasonable hope for rescue and has decided to self amputate. I’ve decided, but have not yet gotten to the bone.

I can certainly identify with this. My fear of ending the M was overwhelming. It was what had me stuck in limbo for 5 more years after False R (when I really knew I needed to end the M). For some of us it does feel this way. I have always said that Leaving my M was to save my own life.

Also what those who are not on this side, the facing a D, do not realize is not only do you have to grieve the infidelity, but also the grieving you have to do once you are set on that path to D. The transition to being single and being on your own again takes time as well.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:28 PM, Friday, June 21st]

With that said, you have had all these unmistakable glaring signs that your STBX-WW is downright toxic. You can feel the way expressed in the paragraph above, while just wanting to get the hell away from her, no? And recognizing that D will help you heal.

Again, I’m going to copy content I wrote in this other thread I was responding to last week because it answers this question.

***********

My wife is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

But even with the affair, it didn’t have to be that way. We could have been a beautiful story of redemption, I know my heart was open to it. But she never pulled her head out of the orifice that you (the OP in that thread) are currently struggling with and I am currently in the process of divorcing her.

Loss of half the time with my kids. Worth it.

Loss of half of my hard earned money. Worth it.

Loss of my house. Worth it.

I’ve learned to look forward to a life with all that loss just so I can get the hell away from a betraying wife who couldn’t see the light.

************

I feel both ways at the same time. It tears the heart apart to feel such intense dissonance. And I’ve only been left with one viable way to resolve it. But it doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 6:36 PM, Friday, June 21st]

When you ARE D, you certainly will NOT be stuck being less than whole and never being able to be whole again though.

I know you mean well in saying this, but with all respect, you are out of your experience base here. I am cleaving off my partner of 20 years. What God has joined, man is about to separate. I will be scarred. Something core will remain, but don’t try to cheer people up at a funeral. It’s not time for that yet.

Just curious, does this mean you think she was healthy/moral/upstanding/faithful/empathetic at the start of your marriage and then became sick/immoral/unfaithful/callous at a later time?

Or is it possible she was always those things you see now, but circumstances hid it from you, causing you to create a wildly-incorrect model of her?

My mental model monologue was in response to this question almost verbatim.

I’ll say that I think it’s possible she could walk a journey to healing, starting today. I in no way think she is irredeemable.

Given what I now know about her life history, I believe I vastly misunderstood her when we met, and that is primarily because she hid so much from me. And then she kept hiding things from me as a practice over our whole marriage. So I really don’t understand her well, I can only make guesses on how she evolved over time, and I don’t want to keep my mind spinning on that puzzle.

And I’m asking myself now how it’s possible that I married someone I didn’t know well. I’ve already said I was distracted by the physical relationship. But bigger than that, it just never occurred to me that someone wouldn’t share. I projected myself, my motives, my intentions, and I was completely blind to what she was really doing. That was an incredibly wrong and un-useful model.

Fair enough. InkHulk I didn't mean to tell you what you should be feeling. I do entreat you though, to be careful of your words. See not only do your words reflect your inner state but they also INFLUENCE it. Smarter people than myself discovered this but it does make all the sense in the world. If you describe divorcing your STBX-WW as knawing off your arm, well that will likely make it that much harder to do what you need to do.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:37 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

See not only do your words reflect your inner state but they also INFLUENCE it.

Another one of those good points.

If you describe divorcing your STBX-WW as knawing off your arm, well that will likely make it that much harder to do what you need to do.

And of course, your words betray a preconceived notion of what I "need" to do. I will do as I do, thank you very much.

I hear you on this, this is valid. But pretty meadows and pick myself up and dust myself off are not going to help me. There has to be SOME level of congruence between our inner state, our deep held beliefs, and our message to ourselves. Yours is a Taylor Swift fan showing up at a Metallica concert.

#doesntfit

Till death do us part

Two become one

What God has joined let no man separate.

These are the things that I am unraveling. And I for one fucking meant them.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 12:59 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Actually no you are not unravelling any of them. You did everything you could do to hold your marriage together. Your STBX-WW was the one who unravelled everything by not even anywhere near sufficient effort.

Do not call me a 'Swifty' ever again!

ETA: Could you imagine James Hatfield--lead singer for Metallica--putting up w your STBX-WW's nonsense for nearly so long. No? Neither can I.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:26 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Actually no you are not unravelling any of them. You did everything you could do to hold your marriage together. Your STBX-WW was the one who unravelled everything by not even anywhere near sufficient effort.

That’s fair enough, but I’m still the one left to make the final call. I will consider your point here, of not being over dramatic in how I think about this and make it harder for myself than I need to. I appreciate that advice.

Do not call me a 'Swifty' ever again!

After all this time, have I finally found your soft spot?

"Gotta love those Starbucks lovers..." thanks to you now that damn song is running thru my head!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:29 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]