SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Figured this was the place to put this since it is not affair related. I guess it's just a vent because I don't know what to do with this at this point.

WH and I were having a conversation about birth. I have 5 children and all were natural births. I was venting about the practice of the "husband stitch". I began to say, "I've always wondered if I had one because..." to which my WH interrupted and said yes, I've had one. That at one of my births afterwards, the doctor told him that he had added one. Neither of us knew what it was at that time, and he didn't tell me, but he said that it was weird, because the doctor acted like he had done him a favor. As in a wink and a nod.

And I was furious! How dare he! How dare he mutilate me! Haw dare he violate me! When I was in such a vulnerable state! Why is it OK for anyone to think they have the right to do that?! So the man has more pleasure? what about the woman? Because what I was going to say was that sex had become painful at one point, which is why I wondered if it had happened. But that's OK right? Nobody cares about the woman's pleasure, or how she feels about sex anyway. What does a man give a shit about how his wife feels as long as he's getting his right?

I just don't know where to put this anger. I don't feel anger about this towards my WH because like I said, neither of us knew what that even meant. He just shrugged it off at the time as something weird. Assuming it was part of giving birth, though it did make him feel odd. We were both in our early 20's and still learning about things.

I want to rage! The violation is incredible! To know a man I trusted, a doctor I trusted, to take care of me and do the best he could with my health care, violated me in such a way. And for what? He didn't ask me if I wanted that! He didn't ask my WH if he wanted that! (not that that would be any better). And I was never told after the fact either! I might have asked questions about it if I had been. Though as young as I was, and as vulnerable as I was back then, I probably would have done nothing about it. Too scared to make waves. But still, the audacity! And the cruelty! That doctor affected my enjoyment of sex, made it more difficult and painful, which affected the overall intimacy in our M. And I thought it was just me! TBH, I didn't tell my WH that it was painful because I thought that that was just the way it was. Women endured!

And here is yet one more thing that I have to work through because for some reason, women are second class citizens who don't deserve a voice in what is done to their own bodies!

I understand your feelings completely.

I had the same experience after my first born, where I had a fourth degree tear. 50+ stitches (as the doctor told me) to then have him turn and nudge my husband and jokingly say he had put a few extras in for him.

It’s almost 34 years later and I still have not forgotten the feeling of that violation. On SO MANY levels.

I get it.
And I’m very sorry.
At best, it’s incredibly disrespectful.

WHAT THE HELL? That is a massive violation of your body. Your anger is justified.

I have heard similar feelings regarding circumcision, a thing that is becoming less common. Hopefully medical folks are changing these old practices and respecting a person’s body and choice.

Thank you both for the validation. I don't think WH understands the devestation of what occured to me. There really was no empathy there, but, I'm used to that at this point.

Still, I feel impotent in my rage! There really is no direction for it! Sadly, my therapist is gone for the month of June and I don't have an appointment until July! ugh!

truthsetmefree

How do you handle the anger over this? Or how do you work through it?

How do you handle the anger over this? Or how do you work through it?

In a nutshell, by recognizing that anyone who has this perspective - embedded deeply enough that they will even voice it aloud - is usually too stupid to understand what I would try to explain to them anyway. Hard for me to believe that path has never been forged before so it’s unlikely that’s it "fixable". 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s not meant to sound flippant…I’ve just given up on teaching pigs how to sing.

❤️

I certainly agree that you should have been informed/consulted/asked about this. I find it hard to believe your husband didn't know what he meant, though.

I'm not a mom, so I'm not going to say much more but you should have autonomy over your own body. I don't want to excuse it as "that's just what used to happen" although I kind of think that's how it was. It brings to mind a young woman friend I had who didn't want to have children but her male doctor patted her hand and told her she didn't know her own mind, she'd change it later, so no, he wouldn't let her have a hysterectomy or whatever it was that she wanted. Just another instance of a man knowing what's better for us. Grrrr.

Um I'd like to know the years this occurred to you all.
Because my entire career they only stitch you back up of there is a tear and that is 100% needed to help heal and prevent infection. I don't know if you have ever injured yourself and opted not to get stitches when you should but it takes much longer to heal and often leaves a jagged scar as opposed to a few stitches to pull it back together. I could definitely see drs in the 70s and even the 80s doing a wink wink chuckle chuckle but if the skin isn't torn those sutures will do nothing whereas with them you heal up more quickly.
I did tear with #1 and got 3 sutures thank God. With kis 2 no tear. No sutures.

I am beyond sorry this happened to you.

I am also in the minority who believes in allowing infants I birth or raise to choose any body modification once they get to the age of consent.

This angers me. You are not a piece of meat. You are not property. It’s your body 100%. If I were you, I would find that doctor even if retired and give him hell. Maybe even report this to your state med licensing or whatever.

[This message edited by deena04 at 1:54 AM, Monday, June 24th]

Thank you all for the comments. This happened in the very early 90's. I was WH and I were both 21, I do believe him when he said that he didn't know what the Dr. meant. We both were not very worldly at the time.

Not It was 30 years ago at this point, not sure making waves would matter now. Pretty shitty that the practice is still done. So many stories out there about it happening.

It literally makes me feel like I wasn't even a human being to this Dr.!

I didn't have this exact experience, but I was young when I had my first kid, and my OB/GYN was incredibly pushy, dismissive, and made some really inappropriate comments -- like telling me he doesn't understand why so many women wait to have babies (I was 22 at the time), because their bodies don't bounce back and look as good as mine did or when I was out of the room telling my husband that he shouldn't get up with the baby at night because he would spoil ME. WTF.

Oh, and like the time my husband cheated on me and I was worried about STDs, so I went to go get tested and explained the situation, and he told me, before he even examined me, that I think too much, and should try to stop it.

Anyways, I was talking to a family member who was a nurse, and had been for decades, and she told me she was sorry that happened, and that in her experience, a shocking number of male OB/GYNs that she had encountered were blatantly misogynists. I've thought about what she's said many times since.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:27 AM, Wednesday, June 26th]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Between my two kids I've had over 50 stitches, as well. My youngest was 10 pounds 2 ounces and I remember the doctor instructing my midwife that "oh no, that bit goes there" as she was sewing me up.

Honestly, a husband stitch wouldn't have made any difference, but would have been a violation for sure. As it is, the ridge of scar tissue makes sex uncomfortable on most days and very painful on others.

The things they don't tell you before the babies...