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So many of us seem to struggle with the lack of empathy from our partners. For over 10 years I have been working with my WH and trying to get him to own his shit and give me some understanding and empathy.

He's incapable.

He has started working with a new counselor. I think he is taking it seriously, but who really knows, right?

He believes there is "something wrong" with him. And he says he is unable of empathy for anybody or anyone or anything.

I don't even know what that means...

He's incapable.

You have your answer. It's been 10 years. If he hasn't owned his shit by now, I don't know what could magically change his mind now.

He believes there is "something wrong" with him. And he says he is unable of empathy for anybody or anyone or anything.

Maybe he is disordered. Maybe this is pathological - there are various personality types where this is a legitimate deficit. I'm no expert. At this point though, does it matter what the cause is? From your perspective, he's not a safe partner and never has been. He's telling you that.

You know how people use the metaphor of put your own oxygen mask first before you help someone else? With your WH he is saying he will put on his mask and then try to find a parachute and escape, saving only himself.

In way, at least he’s being upfront and saying he doesn’t have empathy. Most try to pretend or mimic it.

I would also suggest he most likely is disordered. That's of course no excuse for his behavior. It's also not a reason you should endure any further abuse. Which he almost certainly will continue with if he genuinely lacks empathy. You are not any different to him than a toy, car, or any other object. He only "cares" about you if you happen to be fun to play with at the moment. He will pick you up and set you down at his leisure.

Given such a confession, I would have to assume he believes he will benefit from such a confession, or else he wouldn't confess.

Thank you for the replies.

I wondered if others had spouses who were completely and self-proclaimed empathy indifferent.

I wonder if there is a board for those who live in limbo?

My WH told me he felt no emotions for anyone following the death of his mother 9 years ago. I see less and less ability to empathize from him aa the years go by. What I do see, I feel is likely a show. He is a salesman and can persuade very well. So yes, in my case that lack of empathy is definitely there in my husband. Was he always like that and I missed it? Maybe. Someone here recently said that maybe I love who I thought he was, and that appears to be spot on.

Thank you for the replies.

I wondered if others had spouses who were completely and self-proclaimed empathy indifferent.

I wonder if there is a board for those who live in limbo?

"Reconciliation" usually. :)

My signature used to be "I'm gonna do the limbo rock all around the limbo clock".

My WW lacks empathy too. My IC and I have discussed this at length and my IC thinks that it is highly likely that she is incapable. She believes she has suffered trauma from the loss of her mother at age 10 and then the loss of her father at 22. Shortly after her mother passed, her older sister graduated high school and left for college and never came back. So based on a lot of that my IC sees someone who has been abandoned and learned to keep to herself. Something is blocking her from engaging, but to get out of this place, she likely will need 6 months to a year of intensive therapy. Still no guarantee it would help her as she doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with her. 🤷🏼‍♂️

I wondered if others had spouses who were completely and self-proclaimed empathy indifferent.

Mine was empathy deficient and also self-proclaimed but tried to dress it up with more word-salad my xWS described his lack of empathy as "I can only feel with the skills that I have." Whatever dude.

I wonder if there is a board for those who live in limbo?

Don't do it, Limbo that is. I tried it and paid dearly for it. Wouldn't ever suggest this as a healthy, maintainable option. You will also suffer in silence it's a prison of it's own.

My EXWW lacked empathy for me. I fact,she la ked the ability to feel for people. Ithink it's a combination of her FOO issues and the fact that she is most likely o the spectrum. Here's some examples. When I had food poisoning and was vomiting g all over the bathroom,she told me to stop being so dramatic. When my mother died a d I was heart broken, she couldn't identify with my grief, so walked away and did something else. When I was suicidal, she dropped me off in front of the ER and drove away. She refused to accompany me to my surgery and then laughed at me as I I hobbled out of the hospital. When I Complained that her A put my health and life at risk, she told me to stop being dramatic because no one dies of AIDS anymore.

I could go on...

Some people are just broken. In my case, my EXWW is just a shit human being. You can manage but never fix a disorder.

In a rare moment of honesty, she did admit that she didn't really know what love was. For her, everything was transactional.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:04 PM, Tuesday, July 16th]