SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My H left on Saturday after assaulting me. I thought I was mainly keeping calm. But this morning, I felt so angry and adrift.
I took all the his personal possessions and photos of him and stacked them in his office.
And it was only as I pulled his darts out of the board to shut the cabinet, I absolutely broke down.
I'm ignoring his msgs again. He txt yesterday to ask how I went at the psychiatrist, was I ok? Etc
I told him I was on antidepressants again and he responded "that's terrible, you must feel awful"
I said it doesn't help that my shoulder still hurts.
"That's no good" was the reply and I lost it.
All the times I've covered up his vile behaviour. Like when I had to stop specialist historic Child SA counselling because I mentioned his pornography and she started asking a lot of questions. Said she'd have to report to her supervisor if I thought anything was illegal.
I never went back out of fear. Nine years ago.
Because you don't EVER know if the girls on the screen are underage, do you?? Which I screamed at him multiple times over the years.
Until he fooled me that he'd stopped.
I'm so ashamed of myself.
It clearly didnt even faze him.
Not a pause for thought that I couldn't have my counselling.
I said in my txt last night: Do you remember that? And now I'm covering up for you again aren't I? I've only bought over the counter pain meds and not reported you.
His response "I know. Thankyou "
I've told him not to contact me again.
I have a D lawyer appointment next week.
So why am i sobbing and wishing he were here? He's been in my life since I was 19.
How did everyone else cope with the early shock??

You’re missing what you thought you had, not the reality. And, despite him not deserving it, you loved him. No matter how awful you were treated. It still hurts and that’s ok. It’s ok to mourn the loss, whatever it was or wasn’t. Believe me, if anyone understands I do.

It’s ok to miss him, even if it’s not really him you are missing, but the image you thought. You will doubt yourself, you will want to take him back. You don’t really, but he is the devil that you know and you have comfort in that. You will be ok. You are strong, and you deserve peace and comfort. You will never have that with an abuser.

Stay strong, stay no contact. Once he gets out of your system you will wonder what the hell you were doing, but that will take time.

You are among friend here and many of us understand. I myself haven’t gotten there yet, but instead of talking to your stbx, rant and rave about him on the stay NC forum that is in divorce/separation.

I am so sorry he has done this to you. I agree with HNHF as hard as it is you must stay NC. This is not your fault and you will love the fresh air of freedom when this passes.

Thankyou so much hellsnothalfull and Tanner
I really neeed all the encouragement I can get.
I see him for who he is now.
My heart has to catch up with my brain

Friend

I read your older posts...
You don’t have to like separation. It’s like a bitter, foul-smelling medical potion that really doesn’t taste great and might initially make you all queasy and leave a bad taste in your mouth. But... it cures whatever is ailing you.

I noticed some key-points: You had a previous marriage/relationship with domestic violence. He has had a porn addiction for years (seemingly most of the marriage). He is viewing porn focused on teens – like your daughter(!!!!). He has been mentally abusive. He has been physically abusive.

You need this separation. You need the distance. You probably need the divorce too.

I have some (basic) past experience in dealing with domestic abuse. It’s been several decades, but I don’t think behaviors change that much, so I think it still applies.
People from abusive relationships (be it from family of origin or partners) tend to seek out abusive partners. I guess it’s connected to a level of self-blame, and you are always trying to make amends – to "heal" someone. At your cost. In the strongest of words I encourage you to get some professional help for YOU. Like therapy, individual counseling, group-support via abuse victims groups... Heal yourself – something you can’t fully do while in an abusive relationship.

There is a realistic risk that his abuse progresses to sexual abuse within the family... Yes... your teenage daughter. It might not be a high risk – but are you willing to take that risk? For your daughters sake a separation – a sip of that vile tonic – is necessary.

Can he change? Well... research at that time (over 20 years ago...) did show that with intense therapy abusive men could change. But... the odds of a relapse were greater if they continued within the former abusive relationship. In other words: If he were to acknowledge his issues, seek help and do intensive therapy he could become a safe partner for someone else. You two already have a pattern, a form. Chances are you two will slip back into that pattern, where his resentment grows and eventually snaps.

So yes. I trully get the pain. I get the aversion to what you are facing. But the realization that this is your path to your brighter future could fuel you on.

Finally – Please get help. Call a domestic abuse hotline and see what resources they can offer. I am willing to put money on that you can join a group of women in comparable shoes that are helping each other with recovery.

How did everyone else cope with the early shock??

What helped me were daily meditations, exercise, therapy and spending quality times with my kids friends and family. I wrote a list of all the cons and why I left and looked at it every time I questioned myself. The more time that passes the more the cognitive dissonance passes and the trauma bond is weakened, but it takes time.

Grieve as long as you need to, it was a long M. I left a long M as well and your feelings do not get sorted overnight. While I didn't miss my xWS per say I missed an intact family, the M I didn't end up getting and financial stability.

Bigger thankyou. I'm have a meditation app. Exercise has gone out the window. I'm just so depressed, I barely go out, realise I have been for months. I started an antidepressant 3 days ago so praying that will help me find motivation.
Crazyblindsided
Thankyou for that thoughtful response. Daughters are 25 and 28 and long out of home.
His "addiction" I now know has gone on since his late childhood. I had no idea and he promised time and again he'd stopped. I only married him on this promise, as I'd already found it beforehand.
My early marriage 17 to 24 yrs - was a shitshow of abuse. I was forced into it by my mother who signed the consent for me to be married under 18. To my teacher who was 39 and impregnated me.
In those days I just left my education and it was hushed up.
I had 3 babies by him and soomething clicked. I found the courage to flee with them and just what I could carry.
I was a badass then..
And ,no surprise, this was the mother who abused me such that I still have a couple of physical scars at age 51.
So yes, your analysis of my acceptance of DV is absolutely correct.
My youngest two kids are by current H.
I've been in therapy for a while because I was trying to deal with my son's death before this blew up. Another thing I hate H for as this completely stopped my therapy around my son when he threw the biggest grenade yet into the marriage and sent me into this trauma.
My therapist has been so supportive and trying to help me find my own agency to make my own decision.
But yesterday I told her some more stuff and she bluntly said "he's a creep. You're suffering moral trauma because he goes against everything you believe is right yet you still love him. He's always been punching above his weight with you and now he's lost control because the usual gaslighting and manipulation won't work any more"
I'd encountered so much overt abuse but he was a sleazy wolf in sheep's clothing. I fell for him as he was so charming and gentle and it was the frog in boiling water analogy i guess.
He doesn't have the emotional intelligence or integrity to change.
I know that deep down.