SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The only thing insane here is what he did to you and is continuing to do. No, you’re not insane. That message sounds horrible actually.

I don’t have any insight to time zones. I’m in the US and I don’t have social media.

I’m sorry!

ETA I wish I wouldn’t have called my H out back in the day when I found messages between him and a girl in Vegas while we were dating. He changed his pw. I know it hurts. God I do.
Stay strong. Document it all get your ducks in a row and confront him when he is home.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 11:15 PM, Saturday, July 27th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:36 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I have nothing brilliant to say. Just wanted to say hang in there

If you search a questions like: "Do instagram time stamps show my time or poster’s time?" It appears to say that all Instagram times/dates are "Instagram" times and dates, and that the standard zone is PST. There are a fair number of threads asking questions like this. It confuses a lot of people apparently.

If you search, you should be able to establish what time the post was made. Searches also say that it’s easiest to check exact posting time from a laptop.

But the real question is: how does this all feel to you? Are you going to need to do this any time he’s away? And if so, is the stress and added trauma of constantly living in doubt worth it?

Wishing you peace and strength in figuring out what will best serve you.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:36 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

His mistress is music and all the vices that come with it. Stick with your gut, he has chosen a toxic life over everything good.
Unless he has a reckoning, I see him spiraling out of control.
I’m so sorry but know in the long run getting out of infidelity will be worth the pain.

IDK ... my job enabled having a family, and I guess I placed it above my family. I wish I had seen another way, though.

No abuse: he says he cheated because he was in a band, far from home, and he got himself drunk. No one in their right mind would see 'no drinking' as abuse of anyone who wants to change themself to keep their family, which they say they want. No one in their right mind would see a change in the WS's job as out of bounds - given the situation around the cheating, the job HAS to be reconsidered. No abuse (worth saying twice).

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:39 PM, Sunday, July 28th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:36 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

User

I won’t lie. Reading your posts hit me straight in the heart. I lived your life for so long and really up until a year ago. I have ALWAYS been the breadwinner. When my H and I met I was 24 making 70,000 a year. He was making $20,000. I married him anyway. Supported him, band after band, hobby after hobby , dream after dream and it has left me so empty. I quit that job to raise our first daughter and worked my way up in my new job and I manage making the same amount , when my H had his affair he was maybe pulling in $35k a year and his band never contributed to shit because that money always had to "go back into" the band.

When I read your posts my heart hurt for you. Eventually we all grow up, we realize what matters and we buck the hell up. I allowed my H to have 10 great years of my life I can’t get back , I will never ever let him have another second of my precious time or of my kids life, if he told me he was going to try to do the band again , have fun with four child support payments and a special needs child that we will have until she passes (hope it’s not for a long long time). She needs us and need a stable environment.

My message is to you is, I see you, I feel all of what you’re saying in the pit of my heart , stop enabling him, stop letting him take advantage of your kindness, what about your dreams? Your children’s dreams? He chose to be unfaithful, I don’t care if it was once , it shows his character. It shows his priorities, his integrity, his morals , something has to give and it shouldn’t come from you. Stop giving.

Groot is spot on. It’s time for him to become a big boy and put away his toys for a much greater purpose. His one night stand is just another symptom of his out of control narcissism. I am an enabler as well. I was the force behind so much of my FWH’s pursuits. Stupid me thought I was being a great wife but in truth, I was only spoiling an entitled brat. For the first 7 years of marriage I was a stay at home mom. It was a huge sacrifice and I’m glad I did it but we were so poor. Once I went to work and we started living easier I indulged him. I felt like I had been a burden. Unfortunately that mindset stayed with me even though I ended up making more than him.
A good cognitive therapist would tell you (and me) it’s the imbalance of the relationship which caused this. The only way to get back in balance is to take control over your life and be damned his needs, wants etc, in other words, he needs to grow the fuck up and you need to let him wither in the sun, like a vampire
Keep posting. Your instincts are excellent. Listen to them.

Early on I asked my WH if he truly wanted me, his response with was "I’m here, aren’t I." I was supposed to be thrilled he "chose me"

I recall my WH telling me I'd "won" because he stayed with me instead of leaving for the AP. In the beginning I guess I agreed as I said nothing. A few years later he said something similar and my response was an emphatic:

"No. I won nothing. YOU are the one that won, because I am still speaking to you and entertaining allowing you to be a part of my life after the choices you made. The sooner you grasp that the better off our relationship will be because the fact that you somehow still see yourself as the prize here is a bit concerning to me. The prize here is not you - it is me."

I did not say it meanly - I said it in a no-BS-this-is-the-truth way that was not up for negotiation. And I meant it. And I mean it in your situation too. If you WH does not actively make the connection noted above - that YOU are the prize here not him - you will keep treading water and playing his game.

My FWH now knows he was really the world’s biggest loser for his affair. I reminded him of his arrogant comment when I asked him if he loved me and why he chose me early in R and the response "I’m here, aren’t I" will live in infamy. In May the former swamp witch tried to contact him again. It brought back all the horror. He asked me if I hated him and I looked at him and said "I’m here, aren’t I" and he crumbled. I laughed and told him without my sense of humor I would’ve gone crazy. He didn’t laugh.

Not my circus, not my monkey.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 6:12 PM, Monday, July 29th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:37 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I think I've got it in my head now that this is how my life will be going forward, being alone. I think he'll leave. I think he might kick up a bit of a fuss first, but I think I know what his decision will be.

Your life can be whatever you want it to be. It is not up to him. Take the bull by the horns, instead of him feeling like he is going to do whatever he wants and your feelings be damned, start prepping for what your life could be without him. I don't think you will ever feel comfortable with this situation the way it is going. I know I wouldn't be. While my xWS was not in the music business he was in the Cannabis business and had a lot of clients in the porn industry and you can imagine where that led him. He was never home early and it wore me down eventually.In the end I had so much resentment built up there was no way I was coming back from it.

He should be doing everything possible to make you feel safe this includes no more out of town trips, drinking, talking to strange women and telling you about it. What he wants is you to go back to who you used to be, not questioning anything he does. That's exactly what my xWS wanted. he wanted me to bury my head in the sand. Unfortunately the genie cannot be put back in the bottle.

User 4578
The realization is utterly devastating that it’s more than likely over. You will get through this. Far sooner and in much better shape than him, believe it or not. I would not want to be in his place. You will have the love and loyalty of your children, the clear conscience, and self-respect. He will have his cover band.
That sounds like Hell. Actually, that IS hell.
We are here. Much love and respect from the colonies!

Your WH has indulged his dreams at your expense completely. You have supported him emotionally, physically, and financially at your own expense through the whole marriage. And once you had kids, he continued to indulge himself at everyone’s expense, including theirs. But everything is different now that he has cheated. He should be able to see that.

You say that you think everyone would feel that you were horrible and controlling if you made him give up his dream. Something tells me that most of them have probably seen how much you’ve sacrificed to let him stay a child in the relationship. You might be surprised how they will feel, but you can’t decide your future based on what they might think. They’re not in the middle of it., and they don’t have to live with the consequences.

Where are your dreams in this? I’d imagine that you dreamed of having a loving, faithful, supportive partner to help you raise your children. Maybe you even had some career dreams beyond working at an unrewarding but well-paying job. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he has never once said, Honey, I understand how important dreams are. I’ve pursued my own on everyone else’s time and dime for years now because my passions were so important. You must have things that you feel that way about that you haven’t had the chance to do yet, so it’s your turn and my turn to work to support the family.

No? Can you see how one-sided and unfair your marriage already was BEFORE his affair? Can you see how his affair was just an extension of all of the indulgence and selfishness that he (and you) were already allowing?

Everything. EVERYTHING changes after an affair. Any "deals" about how he gets to do whatever he wants are terminated by his own choices. If he can’t see that he has to think and act differently now, you have nothing to work with. You didn’t ruin it for him. HE DID. And sadly, he destroyed your and your kids security too.

Selfishness. Self-indulgence. Telling himself that his happiness is the most important thing to EVERYONE, above their own happiness, above the happiness of his children and family. Dishonesty with his spouse, but more importantly with himself. These are the things that set feet on the path to an affair LONG before they actually go there. And if a WH doesn’t immediately identify those traits in himself as part of the problem, he’s very likely to find the same path again down the road when he’s feeling misunderstood and mistreated—in spite of the fact that he’s indulging those feelings while you work to support him and worry about not denying him anything so he’ll stick around. It truly sucks to have a sad man-child victim sitting around moping about how you took his toys away, while you are literally holding everything together for him and your family.

He is the problem here, not you. Not your inability to tolerate his "dreams" which depend mightily on you being willing to sacrifice yourself and your own dreams to them.

You are clearly starting to see all of this. I’m sorry. It is both infuriating and horribly sad and painful, I know. I’m truly sorry that he’s not stepping up. The wayward who doggedly insists that nothing in his world should change even though he has changed everything for his spouse without her consent is just. . .the worst. I’ve been there.

It was really hard for me to accept that after destroying our family and every ounce of security I had in the world, my WH was still more concerned about his own comfort and needs and fears than anything or anyone else. That’s when I knew that we were done. When he couldn’t muster an ounce of empathy or a whisper of understanding that he needed to change how he had always behaved and thought about the world and himself. I had changed too much—by force of his decisions—to live with his disrespect and disregard anymore as his spouse.

Be patient with yourself. Do what you need for you and your kids. You’ve given enough. Give your kids and yourself all the care and compassion now. He’s a grown man, not a child, at least he should be. Time for him to step up or step away.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:37 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

NowWhat106 , that was brilliant summation. User4578, this is what Ive been trying to say but NowWhat106 said it much better than me.
He's a man child and the gig is up. No turning back.
You can admit your problems in the marriage but the affair is all on him. Don't own his shit anymore. It's hard since we are the types that want to be good partners but he is showing you the only person he cares about is him. A modified 180 will help.

user4578,

It's easy to identify with your spiralling and uncomfortable feelings with your situation. I'd like to point out what you (and your WS, believe it or not) are doing that is healthy and will benefit you both in the long run. This is, of course, in my opinion and with 8 years of hindsight. It is based on what I did then and maybe now see the weaknesses of that approach. I can't exactly say I wish I had a different path, because I just can't see me personally choosing a different way. Still, there is strength in your path and continuing that path.

You are both stating your desires, and investigating which are needs or wants or priorities. Neither are forcing or over-promising. He is telling you which parts of him are important and maybe non-negotiable. You are both saying what you will consider and spending time thinking about it. You are considering who you are and what matters to you. That is healthy. That is open communication.

At the same time, you are seeing inequality in the marriage and evaluating. There's a power in stating and asking for what you want and simply observing. I didn't do that much after the affair. I did it before the affair. I immediately told my WS to make a choice. Now I don't know if he wished to do that sincerely or did it to save his marriage and family. And I am left to wonder how important that family and his marriage is to him. Enough to save it, but will I ever hear his truth? Will he tell me? Because now, after the affair, I will tell him if he doesn't accept the arrangement, leave. Just leave.

I'm not a tyrant, but I do believe in a new marriage. He broke the old one. I will only accept a new one with better terms that I see as an acceptable risk/reward proposition.

I don't know if I'm happy in my marriage. I mostly think I am. I'm confident there's no infidelity. I'm confident I'll move on ok if there is. There's a taint for sure. But there was before the infidelity. In many ways, but not the same as your marriage, he was selfish. Mainly he put other things and people ahead of me and his child. I wouldn't have married if my husband didn't agree with my outlook on my career being important. I was willing to sacrifice in other ways. Yet he was the one who changed it all with an affair.

It sounds like you are beginning to feel that the marriage is not enough of a partnership. That's understandable. But he still is who he is. Right now, he is telling you what he feels. I'm sure that's incredibly painful to hear. I couldn't bear it and basically shut it down. But if you keep an open dialog, you will always know what he thinks and feels.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:38 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]