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By the way, I love the UK. I've been there 8 times. Crazy but I do like an full English Breakfast, a pint of Fullers, and Fish and Chips!

While you have some time with him away, REALLY focus on you. You said you don’t drive— can you take lessons and get your license? What other things can you do that will give you freedom and confidence, whether you stay with him or not?

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:33 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I haven’t replied. How hard is it to commit to a simple thing when the last time you got wasted you f***ed a 22 year old?

That is that selfish mentality , I am so sorry.

I would definitely make a list of your expectations, don't present them as " I would like for you to do these"
They need to be " If I am going to even consider giving you a second chance then this is what I need and expect from you and our relationship moving forward."

I couldn't imagine my H being far away doing shows and add drinking on top of it? No. Absolutely not.

I hope you find your strength before he gets home!

I know today will be hard for you , thinking of you user 4578!

He really doesn’t get it, does he? Telling you about the woman on the flight was cruel. You must start an abbreviated 180 for your sanity. Work on becoming unavailable. When he calls don’t answer. If he texts, ignore it. When he does contact you tell him your phone must have been off. Take the kids out for an ice cream or a swim. Get a babysitter and get your hair cut, colored, restyled. Make it very hard for him to get in touch. Clean out closets and donate to charity. Make sure it’s obvious to him you did it without saying so.
Be bright and cheery when he does contact you. I know, it’s hard but fake it till you make it. It gets easier.
This is not to play hard to get, it’s a way for you to regain your strength and take control over your life.

Begin journaling. It’s absolutely imperative you have a place to pour out your heart. Keep in touch with SI. We are all here for you.

Also, don’t text him, don’t call, nothing, Go dark. If he does get you on the phone and says anything about your desire for him not to drink let him know you have no control over his behavior nor the consequences of such actions. Don’t stay on the phone long. You should be the first to end the conversation.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:34 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

You are on the right track. Keep him in the dark. Kids only conversations.
Take time next week to take care of you. Don't give him any info. Be distracted. This is all to build up your courage and take back the power.
Good Luck.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:34 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I’m so sorry.
He should be doing everything right now to keep you and earn your trust back which will take YEARS, if ever. There is an article in the healing library I love I read with my H called "the lifeboat" and we both loved it.

I agree with crazy cat lady. I would 180 him.

You know Iwaywards say some really dumb shit after affairs.

User, I choked on my coffee when I read your WH had the nerve to say ‘Is there no trust at all’. Like WTF???

Like Groot said it will be a very very long time for there to be trust to be rebuilt.

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope you spoil yourself rotten when you get some time to yourself. And I agree it’s so draining to put on the ‘everything is fine’ face when all you want to do is scream and cry!

I don't know how so many people cope with their partner working away all the time?

I am home every night, have been almost our entire marriage with few exceptions. When my wife had her affair, I was literally at home every single night, made her coffee every single morning, and at least once was at home watching our 4 young kids when she was out "getting a break" (also known as meeting up to fuck the AP").

Opportunity is always there, more or less. It is what the spouse does with those opportunities that matter.

Yes, travel and certain occupations seem riskier, but I'm in one of those occupations where opportunity abounds (particularly when you are younger which I am no longer). The question for you and your partner, at this point, is what will he do in order to make himself a safe partner for you.

It might take giving up the occupation, it might not.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:34 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

User

How long ago was his ONS? I only ask because my H answered the same way in the first 4-5 months after the A, it took a minute for him

To build remorse and truly accept that he was acting like a piece of shit when he did what he did. The remorse grew each day. I look back and see each month the progress he made but unfortunately it took a lot of factors. IC , MC , articles, boundaries from me , seeing his family and kids cry and be affected.

9 months out he will randomly cry and call me crying because the weight of what he did to me and the kids literally eats at him and he hates what he was.. He will talk about how much he hates how selfish he was and how he realized his thought process was so warped.

But with that being said. In the early days though he had the same mindset as your partner. It wasn’t that big of a deal. He came home. He "chose" us. Looking back it makes us both sick.

ETA

I’m happy you’re writing things down and what you expect! Journaling really does give an outlet! Writing it all down and having something tangible is really helpful. I recently started too.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:29 PM, Saturday, July 27th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:35 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Early on I asked my WH if he truly wanted me, his response with was "I’m here, aren’t I." I was supposed to be thrilled he "chose me"

Now he looks at that and realizes his head was firmly up his ass. He should’ve been on his knees begging me to take HIM back. Your WH has no idea what he has done, what he is doing, and the effects of on everything he loves. He is in the fog. Until he can truly feel remorse…which means he is willing to do anything to save the marriage…he will continue to deflect and minimize.

Stay strong.

We are all here for you.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 7:05 PM, Saturday, July 27th]

I agree he is still in the fog and in the WS mindset.

Keep doing you, keep building yourself up, find hobbies and he will either come around and realize you and the kids are the best thing to ever happen to him or he won’t until ,like you said it’s way too late.

Like cat lady said. We are here for you!

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:35 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 7:35 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]